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I need help
My name is Jane, 38 years old, and I am a compulsive gambler. I am powerless over gambling and my life have become unmanageable. That part i have down. I have been evicted once, luckily only once, and I have lost everything three times in ten years. I know that I am powerless. However I am struggling with step two. Feels embarrassing to admit since it seems to be an easy enough step: "I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to a normal way of thinking and living". And of course my struggle also reflects on number three: "I decide to turn my will and my life over over to the care of this Power of my understanding". Why is this so difficult for me to embrace? It still feels like I am the one who has to fight my addiction, that I am the one who alone has to be strong, AND since I sincerly distrust myself this leaves me with feelings of hopelessness, lonelyness and disbelief that I will ever recover. I am a selfdestructive and selfloathing person and perhaps I will never be able to allow myself to be happy. But why?! To surrender myself to a higher Power is frightening but also a very positive image that fills me with tears, tears of relief. But I dont know how to accomplish this....?

I can´t go on living like this. I know its not about the money. Since even if I at the time I have no immediate moneyproblems I still can´t resist to gamble. And even if I for now only play freerolls the effect it has on my emotional wellbeing is detrimental. AND I KNOW ITS JUST A MATTER OF TIME TIL I FALL AGAIN. And I don´t know how many times I will have the strength to pull myself back up again... If anyone of you would like to write and talk about how you were able to embrace the second and third step I would really appreciate it.

The best regards to all of u!
Hi Paula,
I want to quote what you said in your post
And even if I for now only play freerolls the effect it has on my emotional wellbeing is detrimental. AND I KNOW ITS JUST A MATTER OF TIME TIL I FALL AGAIN.

Free rolls are a trigger to gambling DONT DO IT........................they stop you from finding your higher power. If you believe the GA recovery programme can work for you it will, without belief in the programme you will fail, you can defeat your demons and find your higher power following the programme Paula.

Stay away from the freebies, and delete all emails that come from these sites, use a gambling blocker that can help stop you going on sites that offer freebies that are a trigger to gambling can google a good one online.

Paula I found my higher power and its GA................only because i want it to work, you have to want it to work.
GL and may the GA force be with you xxxxx
Hello again.

I do believe in the GA program. And even if it perhaps sounds contradictory to what I wrote before about selfdestructiveness and selfloathing: I do believe in life itself and that it is possible to build another future for myself and my family, without gambling. The idea of a higher power still is illusive to me. Sometimes, very rarely, I can vageuly sense it, but most of the time I feel empty.

I have been struggling for the last six months, trying to get control. And I have made good progress, considering I have made payment plans that eventually will make me deptfree. Which is kind of surreal in itself for me.

Mo and Smartie, your answers made me realise that I am going about my problems in the wrong way. I can continue playing poker in small amounts or only freerolls, just waiting for the next time I loose control. That is not really the keypoint though is it? The keypoint is: even if I don´t even consider the controlissue, still keeping up the game keeps my emotional innerworld tuned out. And that way I will never be open to true change. I will only cement the feelings of restlessness, anxiety, emptyness. And that way I will never be able to come closer to step 2 and 3. I will have to quit completely to give myself a fair chance.

The deceiving thoughts about being bored and want to waste time by playing a tournament, and the even more deceiving thoughts coming from pride and unwillingness to accept final defeat, about control, has made it hard to let the game go completely. Even if I on a rational level do know that I am powerless. Poker has been my comfort and way to turn off life for such a long time.

Your answers made me realise that I am still trying to hide, for myself and everyone else. I have to get real.

Yesterday I removed all my clientels and I have installed a gambling blocker. One minute I regret it, the other minute I feel relief. I realise this is just the first temporary solution, but it is a huge step forward for me.

I have downloaded some of the litterature from this site and I am checking out the possibilities of attending meetings or perhaps starting a new GA group. The nearest GA meeting is 200 kilometers away. I don´t reside in the UK but I hope I still am welcome on your site.

I am so grateful to all of you who put in your time and energy and make the existence of GA possible.

Love to all!

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