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new fool
#1
hey all,

im a single mum of 2 and one on the way... ive found myself in a stupid situation, addicted to online gambling.
it started as im very bored and have nothing for me. i live in a really rural area,no where to go, i dont drive or work since begining of this year and basically im isolated.

i work hard as a mum 24/7 no breaks and on my own. so i found an online website and got chatting to peeps and had a play on bingo...7 months on and ive spent every spare penny that hasnt gone on bills to gamble. i struggle to find money for other things and if school want money from me i panic.

i managed to get financial help and got my account in credit to start again but i sat and gambled it away i was so shocked at what i had spent thousands in 1 and a half weeks!!!! i completely shocked myself and now my account is dire than ever.

today i made the desicion to stop... i called up my bank and made it a bills only account money goes in bills go out but anything spare i cant touch and ive told the kids dad what ive been doing and hes offered to help me out if need things for school etc and to sell anything spare to reclaim some money back... just stuff i dont use nothing that will be missed.

Ive got a chance now at sorting it out.... but it doesnt cure my boredom. its easy for peeps to say to you, get out get a hobby. but now i have no cash im literally stuck on my own in this rural area with nothing around for miles or family and there isnt anything to do. i do 4 school runs a day so im not free to get anywhere if wanted to so all i do is homemake.

ive always loved playing games, i love computer games etc but once youve completed em all whats left. i havent let this gambling interfere with my kids and home im still a good mum doing everything i can, but when theyre all tucked up and im alone its dull. ive read every book i own, completed every game seen every dull soap, ive even exercised done knitting etc and nothing makes me happy.

The only thing that has done this is gambling, but now i havent the oppotunity to do this, i feel im going to drive myself insane for a while, a bit like when waiting to go into an important meeting or results back im going to be on edge wanting something that gives me that boost and there isnt going to be anything once the kids are in bed and its just me again.

anybody in the same boat??
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#2
I am sorry for your situation, we all are in a mess because of gambling , me too got into that mess I have lost every thing that I had money property mean the house that I was living, I lie to myself and others all the time only to get money to gamble, my life was in tatters, I lie to my family, they are very angry with me, Now I have change for the last 3 months I have not gamble, things are not easy my money income is very good but the money was going like water on a big hole the sooner I got money in my hands was going on gambling < I have turn my life around 3 months is not that long but has made a difference now I am a better person I think
I have made changes in my life style, go to meetings G A meet other people with the same problems than myself and listen all the time to impruve and take strength with all the menbers
I try not to take money with me
I will advise you to block all sites that you gamble on and talk to other people like myself that will help lot you can also need not to take my advise and make a mess of your live like I have done before
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#3
Thank you for your reply Martin xxx

I'm sat here now wishing i was playing, i don't know if its the gamblings and wins that spur me on you know. i just cant decide, to me it always feels like im apart of something.

I'm so lonely here and to be cheering each other on and playing a game that everyone else is apart of i just love, i'm not dumb i'm aware im in a chat room on those sites full of people lying to themselves and to others under an alias and its partially just not real. But i miss it.

I went on the site today, i cannot deposit at all as my card is frozen i even went into town and handed it personally to the clerk to cut up as my son wasnt at school and the other was away on a trip i had the oppotunity to leave the rural domain that is my prison.

I had a lovely day with my boy and then when the day was over and the tea and baths were done im alone again, sat wishing for something. So i went online and watched as ppl declared their winnings and losses and talked and i felt so sad.

I even found myself mindlessly goodling ways to deposit without a bankcard and i stopped and clicked the X on the screen i wasnt even aware of what i was doing, silly fool. i dont even want to gamble really. I know i've not the means to continue and i have fear inside when i did deposit before and when it started to lose i knew in my heart i didnt want to carry on endlessly spinning and silly slots and for what?

I personally believe part of it is to do with my mum, not a blame shift. But shes very cold and she's always kind of made us compete for her love, and when i found she played on these sites and so i joined we kind of bonded and it became our thing, for once we had something in common and was ours and the competition side of it, hitting those winning spins it and seeing the WTG and WD! was like approval and self worth in some ways.

I think her addiction far exceeds my own, but she would never admit it. I found out recently that my sister is being taken to court for her tv license. She was at my grandma's and told her she was being taken to court. when she looked ill stricken.

My sister asked her what was wrong and she was physically shaking, and replied "Your mother came to me tearful at xmas looking for a way to help you pay your tv license and get you out of trouble, i gave her the money" she took out her bank book and showed her the withdrawal. Well my sister never recieved this money and is going to court.

My mum told me she won a load of money playing online over xmas but not to tell anyone, i think she has used this to play bingo and slots.Shes also taken from me to play and owes me money that i know i will never see.

But she would never stop and it sickens me to think she did this to my sister, i never want to become this. I dont know why she is the way she is but its been hard growing up without a father who loves or cares about you and is a million miles away and a mother as cold as this.

I'm a better mum, but i'm a lonely one and the gambling only makes me feel horrible about myself. I pray for something good everyday other than us all being safe and well. only to still feel that isolation and worthlessness. It's sad i know but i'm working on it.

I'm complimented all the time by people, how i look, how i raise my children, how i present myself, how i care for others and yet i cant let it in, instead i put myself down and remember what a horrible secret i contain of my hidden gamblers life and how i've come close to not being able to pay bills and when the ice cream man turns up i tell my kids no. because i havent the spare funds i pay the bills n the rest is in playing slots.

That in it's self it a shameful way to be, but i have made up for it by next time i shop online ive bought the smart price neopolitain icecream and cones and made their own. ok it's the cheaper option but i always try and redeem my failings.

But there is no redeem button for gambling is there, only a dire bank account a twitch to play and a head full of emotion screaming for help. I will be fine, i know me very well, once its out of my system thats it for me i move on fast and i dont look back i'm really strong, and ive taken the steps so i cannot gamble. But in the mean time this urge to play is going to drive me mad <!-- sBig Grin --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt="Big Grin" title="Very Happy" /><!-- sBig Grin --> but once its subsided i will just crack on with life. and i have a new baby on the way so god knows where would have the time to gamble eh <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

ok i've waffled long enough if you ever read this then its a miracle and well done to you, i think it helps me just to get it out some place.

Thanks for listening, i'm so glad your situations improved. what have we done with ourselves eh, but onward and upwards and heres to a stoopid free life <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> xxx
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#4
Hey,
I read your post and it was a lot of mumbling...but I know I have mumbled my way through life myself at many times. I still do to some degree, mumble that is, life is hard.

Today I write this as I contemplate having an accountant go through my books to try to find traces of an emloyee swindling me...

But that all aside today I just concentrated on me...yeah me...that person that is me.

Today I didnt share blame about my gambling strife with anyone..because that is history,....today and just for today I did not gamble...

Today is a day when I may not reach the top of the mountain...but I will take a step up the mountain without coming falling back down...

God and only go granted me the serenity to accept that.

GA showed me the path...it can show you.

Get on the programme...

B
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#5
hey,
i really understand that,
i was put out of work on disability and my gambling went mad then
boredom, depression, easiest thing to do was go on online slots or bingo,
i too have spent thousands not in weeks though in days!
i seem to have this compulsion that as soon as i turn pc on even just to check emails or facebook i end up gambling even though i dont want too i just cant stop!
i joined this a couple of days ago and am hoping to go to ga meeting next week,
iv been self excluded from most sites going and had gam lock on but still a sneaky site gets through it and i join
im at the end of my tether and really understand the sickening feeling guilt and anger afterwards
my family dont know because im ashamed and embarrassed, my partner does know but he is away and can only support me as much as he possibly can by phone and letters, he gets so mad with me, i keep letting him and myself down....

fingers crossed for our speedy recovery.......<!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->take care x
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