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new fool
#3
Thank you for your reply Martin xxx

I'm sat here now wishing i was playing, i don't know if its the gamblings and wins that spur me on you know. i just cant decide, to me it always feels like im apart of something.

I'm so lonely here and to be cheering each other on and playing a game that everyone else is apart of i just love, i'm not dumb i'm aware im in a chat room on those sites full of people lying to themselves and to others under an alias and its partially just not real. But i miss it.

I went on the site today, i cannot deposit at all as my card is frozen i even went into town and handed it personally to the clerk to cut up as my son wasnt at school and the other was away on a trip i had the oppotunity to leave the rural domain that is my prison.

I had a lovely day with my boy and then when the day was over and the tea and baths were done im alone again, sat wishing for something. So i went online and watched as ppl declared their winnings and losses and talked and i felt so sad.

I even found myself mindlessly goodling ways to deposit without a bankcard and i stopped and clicked the X on the screen i wasnt even aware of what i was doing, silly fool. i dont even want to gamble really. I know i've not the means to continue and i have fear inside when i did deposit before and when it started to lose i knew in my heart i didnt want to carry on endlessly spinning and silly slots and for what?

I personally believe part of it is to do with my mum, not a blame shift. But shes very cold and she's always kind of made us compete for her love, and when i found she played on these sites and so i joined we kind of bonded and it became our thing, for once we had something in common and was ours and the competition side of it, hitting those winning spins it and seeing the WTG and WD! was like approval and self worth in some ways.

I think her addiction far exceeds my own, but she would never admit it. I found out recently that my sister is being taken to court for her tv license. She was at my grandma's and told her she was being taken to court. when she looked ill stricken.

My sister asked her what was wrong and she was physically shaking, and replied "Your mother came to me tearful at xmas looking for a way to help you pay your tv license and get you out of trouble, i gave her the money" she took out her bank book and showed her the withdrawal. Well my sister never recieved this money and is going to court.

My mum told me she won a load of money playing online over xmas but not to tell anyone, i think she has used this to play bingo and slots.Shes also taken from me to play and owes me money that i know i will never see.

But she would never stop and it sickens me to think she did this to my sister, i never want to become this. I dont know why she is the way she is but its been hard growing up without a father who loves or cares about you and is a million miles away and a mother as cold as this.

I'm a better mum, but i'm a lonely one and the gambling only makes me feel horrible about myself. I pray for something good everyday other than us all being safe and well. only to still feel that isolation and worthlessness. It's sad i know but i'm working on it.

I'm complimented all the time by people, how i look, how i raise my children, how i present myself, how i care for others and yet i cant let it in, instead i put myself down and remember what a horrible secret i contain of my hidden gamblers life and how i've come close to not being able to pay bills and when the ice cream man turns up i tell my kids no. because i havent the spare funds i pay the bills n the rest is in playing slots.

That in it's self it a shameful way to be, but i have made up for it by next time i shop online ive bought the smart price neopolitain icecream and cones and made their own. ok it's the cheaper option but i always try and redeem my failings.

But there is no redeem button for gambling is there, only a dire bank account a twitch to play and a head full of emotion screaming for help. I will be fine, i know me very well, once its out of my system thats it for me i move on fast and i dont look back i'm really strong, and ive taken the steps so i cannot gamble. But in the mean time this urge to play is going to drive me mad <!-- sBig Grin --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_biggrin.gif" alt="Big Grin" title="Very Happy" /><!-- sBig Grin --> but once its subsided i will just crack on with life. and i have a new baby on the way so god knows where would have the time to gamble eh <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

ok i've waffled long enough if you ever read this then its a miracle and well done to you, i think it helps me just to get it out some place.

Thanks for listening, i'm so glad your situations improved. what have we done with ourselves eh, but onward and upwards and heres to a stoopid free life <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink --> xxx
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Messages In This Thread
new fool - by Thomasagor - 11-07-2011, 03:46 PM
Re: new fool - by jmgstamps - 12-07-2011, 03:17 PM
Re: new fool - by Thomasagor - 13-07-2011, 12:26 AM
Re: new fool - by barrieexgambler - 15-07-2011, 12:38 PM
Re: new fool - by ownworstenemy - 22-07-2011, 06:05 PM

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