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It's messing with my mind
Having not gambled since February, I have relapsed again and this time I believe I have ruined it. This time hurts more than ever.

Last month, I borrowed money from my mum to purchase a new car and promised to pay her back in instalments each month when I get paid.

Fridays are my days off. It was around 3pm and I was bored and the thought of playing slots entered into my mind. I work full time and lost my wages for the month where I was only paid a few days ago. Remarkably, I made all the money back the next day whilst playing online poker and withdrew all the money.

Yesterday I got home from work and had nothing to do. I had a few hours to spare and I was in my room as opposed to watching TV like I usually do on Sundays. Instead, I went on my computer – still high on the day before. I had the urge to gamble, I watched a few hands being played and decided to reverse the withdrawal I made yesterday.

Needless to say, I lost all the money. Now I can’t afford to pay my mum back and I am so angry. Several times I managed to get my money back. I got greedy and didn’t know when to stop. When I was losing, I kept chasing the losses and found it impossible to leave without losing all my money and wanted to make my money back which made me go all in several times. I am angrier than ever as I really can’t afford to gamble and I have already amassed a large debt.

Beside losing money that I really cannot afford, I needed to take it out on someone and came up with reasons on why I lost regardless of how remote the ideas were. I was fuming and wanted to beat up my daughter to release that anger. She had done nothing wrong, doesn’t know of my addition but I wanted to take it out on someone that would be easy to take out on.

I know that in my mind I’m messed up and I want to stop thinking this way. I’m really fed up with having no money and feel that I’m too stubborn to have money as I feel the need to spend it all and I have no understanding of saving.
Hi Ricahard,

I have read your post and know EXACTLY what road your going down, I have been there too many times. For some reason the last time stuck and something turned me. I don't know exactly what but what I do know is no matter how much I won or was winning I carried on for more. The last time I gambled I realised its not about the money and I have a serious problem. Which was when I found GA, I have been to one meeting and not gambled for seven day's. As a result of this I feel a much better and stronger person. It is horrible the way this illness grabs hold and at times can seem like the only way out is to gamble more to win but I personally have found this makes matters ten times worse.

I wish you all the best.
My name is Dave and I am a compulsive gambler.
I'm in the same situaion I can face a meeting <!-- sSad --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_sad.gif" alt="Sad" title="Sad" /><!-- sSad -->
Hi Richard,
Firstly and I will begin firstly GA (gamblers Anonymous) is a Anonymous place. The reason It is anonymous is because most of us say "that was us before" we can only do this by joining the GA programme.

I stated this because of your Log in name...Not very anonymous but none the less.

For me it was not about borrowing or money lost, wow I did that weekly, not monthly.

The Car was on HP and I missed every payment, I think generally they were paid twice nearly 8 times a year, once for the missed payment and once for the correct payment.

Anyway That was then, that was just another most men and women that have changed or "seen the light"

Simple for me "i simply cannot gamble" I "must live just for today" however....

I know that when we go back to gambling as I have done this before we go so hard at this we dont realise till we hit a bottom again, a predicament.

You are me...I am you...we are CGs and my first step towards finding a cure was not only admission but realisation.

Go to a meeting, live just for today and pick your head up.


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