Hi EzzyEsdale,
I'm going to share my story with you, hoping that it will speak to you about something that might help. I joined Gamblers Anonymous many years ago, and it's really changed my life through the years.
Hello All GA members and visitors:
Iâve taken an ID that should tell you where Iâm from but Iâll leave the second part of it for another time. My GA Birthday (abstinence-wise) is October 8, 1980, and Iâm one of the walking miracles of our fellowship. Had I not found my first meeting, back in July, 1978, after giving almost a year of excuses to my wife (of that time) and then refusing to admit that I had a problem that I COULDNâT SOLVE MYSELF! What an absurd thought, I felt â that thereâs something that Superman here couldnât do? Impossible.
Nonetheless, having answered yes to 7 of the 20 questions, and unable to relate to all the SICK people in the room that July afternoon, because I hadnât done some of the things they owned up to YET, I wished them well, and thought, Thanks, but No Thanks. I can do this on my own.
So for worse than two years, I came through the ârevolving door,â as we call it. There were only 3 meetings in town at that time, and Iâd go to the Saturday night meeting, listen, and keep my mouth shut, or share very briefly, but felt jealous about the fact that they were laughing and joking with each other, and I didnât see anything funny in life. But as time went by, and I could see things getting worse in my life, I was determined that I would stop ON MY OWN. But, I couldnât do it. I was chasing my losses, and adding more losses to them, but it wasnât about the money. I never missed paying a bill, but the real losses were to my self-esteem, my relationship with my wife, my poor performance at work, and my overall feeling of worthlessness. What it was about was creating a bigger problem in the process, instead of facing the ones already in front of me.
Iâm the son of a family in which alcohol played a large part, a mother who was an adult child of an alcoholic father, and a father who was the son of an immigrant who came to our U.S. of A. to set up a still and make moonshine in West Virginia. Dad died when I was 15, and mom, in her depression, took her own life a year later. So, I know depression when I see it, and I saw it every time I looked in the mirror, while I continued to get worse, so when the last straw broke â a bonus check that came from out of the blue, and disappeared at the single-deck 21 table that same night, I knew this thing was bigger than me, and I had to quit lying to myself, because now I had to admit the gambling was bigger than me. Still, I hadnât found my bottom. Not more than a week later a buddy came into town to go to the Ali â Spinks fight, Oct 4, 1980, and I picked him up at the airport and took him to the Convention Center to see the fight. Needless to say, I didnât have a ticket â couldnât afford one, but I agreed to join up with him and a couple of friends at a joint after the fight, which I did, with no money in my pocket, knowing that if I took any, Iâd bet it, as I was sure theyâd be gambling, which they were. So, after he bought me a beer, and I watched for no more than a few minutes, I finally asked him to lend me $20, which he did, and naturally, I was in action again, and winning! Paid him back and took home my score, but that was Friday Oct 4 and I was out again with them, Saturday, and Sunday I took him to the airport, but I couldnât stop. Monday night I gave back everything Iâd won, and some more, and Tuesday, Oct 8 was my first day without a bet, and my first meeting where I was willing to do anything NOT to make another bet.
Iâd heard a guy speak several times, as I was passing through the revolving door, and he made a lot of sense, and he knew the program and worked it. Tuesday night meetings, which were Step meetings, were chaired by Fred J. and when I shared that night what had been going on with me, they all welcomed me, told me to follow the suggestions on page 17, and to keep coming back. Sounds easy, but when I asked Fred to sponsor me, and he said he would, he told me, âAirman,â Fred was a retired Staff Sgt. In the Air Force, âIâll sponsor you, and Iâm going make it really easy for you, âcause Iâm just going to ask you to do one thing.â I said OK, and I asked what that was, and he answered, âEverything I say!â He said it slowly, and he said it forcefully, and he said it staring into my face very carefully, and then he laughed, though he was quite serious. He said that page 17 has something on it thatâs very difficult for a man to do; namely, to call a name on a list when thereâs danger of making a bet. He said, âItâs not a guy thing, airman, so I want you to call me, not every day, and not only when youâre in danger of making a bet, but often, and if I donât answer, leave me a message, and Iâll call you back. OK?â And I agreed, and I started calling Fred, and it became easier.
And as the days passed, slowly and painfully at first, but one at a time, as the Blue Book reminds us with its title, and I got to 30 of them, I couldnât believe it, but it was true. Then, somewhere in the next week or so, I told him something that really began to change my life. I told Fred that it didnât matter whether I was riding my bicycle to work, or mowing the lawn, or driving down the street, my mind would suddenly go to my card-counting system, with a question: What should I do if the count is -7, and the dealer is showing a 4? It was really bothering me that I couldnât get my head away from the game Iâd become addicted to.
Fred told me on the phone that day something that has stayed with me: something to the effect that, where the mind goes, the body will likely follow, sooner or later. You need to get those thoughts out of your head as quickly as possible, he urged me, and you can do it by saying the Serenity Prayer every time you find yourself thinking about gambling of any kind. And soon I realized that it was 20-30 and more times in a day that gambling thoughts jumped into my head, and thatâs how often I started saying the Serenity Prayer â every time I found a gambling thought in there.
Well, it took some time, for the frequency of those thoughts to reduce, but eventually they did, and today itâs rare that my mind goes there. Thank God for Fred J, for this program, and for the chance to share with you what has happened in my life since the miracle occurred. To any newcomers, donât walk away until the miracle of a new beginning happens in your life.
We tell the newcomers where Iâm from that there are now more than 100 meetings a week, and thereâs no reason one canât get to at least one each day, and if they can get to 90 meetings in their first 90 days, and theyâre still not satisfied, that weâll gladly refund their misery by letting them walk back out the door to their addiction.
Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for making the Thursday night meeting a reality online. Iâm in a town and country with no 12 step meetings of any kind, and Iâm glad to be able to join you on Thursdays, though my time zone isnât quite in sync with yours, but my schedule lets me sleep in a bit on Fridays, so Iâll plan to join you as often as possible. When I told members in different meetings I got to before heading here, several suggested that I look online, and Iâm glad they did.
Iâve been able to travel quitea bit, thanks to our program and the way it gave me my life back. Itâs taught me my money does me more good when I can spend it doing something I enjoy, rather than losing it to something Iâm addicted to. Long story short (no, I guess itâs too late to say that, at the bottom of the second page, isnât it?) It works if you work it, and itâs like anything you learn. The last step in learning (Step 12) is that you have to teach it to someone else, i.e. You have to give it away to keep it.
Final thought: I answered yes to 7 questions at my first meeting, and after two years going through the revolving door, I answered yes to 18. Given my momâs demise, that thought entered my mind at times, but I never seriously considered It (#20), because of what it had done to my self-worth when she chose to take her life. And I never gambled until my last dollar was gone (#9). As I mentioned above, I never missed paying a bill.
It was a progressive evil, and I didnât need to wait until I answered yes to the last 2. I have seen people on all three of the bottom rungs of the ladder: prison, insanity, and death. I knew that was what was waiting for me, if I continued, but I wanted a better life, so I grabbed on with both hands, and I have thousands of one-day-at-a-time days behind me, Thank you, God.
I also have 2 teenage daughters whoâve never seen me in that misery, and I was able to retire early and devote myself to my favorite pastime â Iâm a decent tennis player, and Iâve tried several different ventures, including this one, which have really been fun. We tell newcomers, âLet us love you until you can love yourself.â I remember how hard that lost self-love was in regaining, and Iâm thrilled that I was able to turn that corner when I finished working the 12 Steps the first time. I work the maintenance steps daily, and my Higher Power is deeply rooted in them. Thanks for letting me share, and keep coming back, because I sure will. God Bless you all, Steve D.
