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Where do I start?
#1
Well what can I say!!
This is my first time on here and maybe I just want to air my views, maybe I need help and maybe Im just angry-I don't know anymore.

I used to be happy, have a good job, lots of friends and a wife I adore. Well I still have the wife but for how long I don't know.

It all started a while ago, maybe 5 years ago when I was involved with another lady before my wife. I was constantly trying to impress her. She was relatively well off and I, although had a good job was struggling all the time so I took out loans and when I couldn't get any more loans I started playing poker. I thought I was good but then I found online roulette. The instant buzz it gave me when I won was amazing. I remember one night winning enough to pay my my credit card off. I went to sleep very happy-although I never did pay that card off did I? I carried on and won and won, then lost a bit and then won again. I could splash the cash, buy new things and treat my lady well. Then it all went sour, as you do, I went on a bit of a losing run-losing thousands. Still, another loan and I could get it back. Again and again I got out loans, frantically trying to get back to where I started-then i would stop I told myself. Anyway now Ive left work, my house will be repossessed and I never go out. Even now I don't have any money but I'll always try and find a way to gamble. I don't know how to stop. I need money and all i can do is gamble to get it and I will carry on til I've got no more. Fortunately my wife is away and has been for a while so she can not see me the way I am. What do i do?
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#2
Hi dj and thank you for sharing with us all.

I understand if you are in a lot of pain and confusion right now. I know what it is like to keep chasing, not being able to stop until everything is gone. The desperation within in the chase sometimes made me want to loose it all. Because in that dark whole of misery, it still felt somehow better than the desperate chase. Some tilted feeling of peace, even if it truly was just quieteness and inner death.

For me there is no easy way with gambling, but being able to admit complete defeat, means for a new beginning. Admitting complete defeat, is not about having lost it all, even if many times you will have to have lost it all to get there. To me admitting complete defeat is planting the seed towards inner awakening.

For me it doesn´t help thinking about the monetary winnings and losses, because they don´t truly matter in the big picture. I am not saying per se that gambling is a bad thing, but to me being a compulsive gambler, gambling is about everything BUT living. And no money in the world, or lack of money, is worth giving up my soul and my life!

When I was gambling I hid and lied about everything. Not only my gambling but the smallest silliest things. In my way to recovery it is important for me to stay honest. Through trying to stay open and honest, even if this doesn´t come natural for me and I have to think and stop from myself from falling into old habits, I am opening up for change.

To be a compulsive gambler to me is an illness. This doesn´t mean I am free from responsibilities. But it means that I find a way to handle all my guilt and shame, and it means that I am responsible for doing everything in my power to handle my illness to keep it under control. Control I had none on my own. But through GA and feeling connected with something higher and spiritually awanening I am receiving openings to make new choices in my life. On a daily basis. Sometimes on an hourly basis.

For me reading around on this forum, twenty questions, a day at a time, posts from members at different stages of recovery, the chatroom, and going to my meetings do something for me that I can´t really put into words. I know that if you want it, if you need it, you will find this something too.

Wish you all the best!
<3
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