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Recovery is a spiritual healing and maturing program
Hi You guys

Thank you for your honest replies.

Firstly it saddens me that all of my postings have been removed from this web site.

Our honesty is far more beyond about the money and gambling.

The money was just the fuel for my addiction and the gambling was just one way of me ewscaping how I felt with in myself.

That hurt inner child is healing today and is able to be honest and expose him self to all who want to get to know him in a healthy way.

Sadly the people in recovery get confused by the wording of the recovery programs.

I had sadly become a very unhealthy person who did or said things to escape how i felt with in myself.

Recovery for me a healing and maturing process.

Exchanging unhealthy habits for halthy habits was an important part of my growth.

It was then and is today far beyond just abstaining.

In order to love and care about other people I needed to learn to love care and also protect myself.

Protecting myself is certainly not about living every day in fear.

In fact the opposite.

The recovery rooms should be a way of nurturing and encouraging people twoards healthy habits and healthy living.

For recovery to take effect people should be free of all fears and be comfortable with them self.

Sadly there will be people who try and manipulate and control other people that indicates how inept insecure they are with in them self.

Just because I abstained first of all did not mean I was healthy in t many ways.

Once you move towards healthy actions with healthy consequences and it is a conscious decision on your part every one needs to take full responsability and feel proud in your self.

Rewards for our own healthy spiritual actions is pride in ones self.

Pride is a very healthy spirtual feeling.

I am still work in progress.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
Hello Dave

There's a difference between abstinance and recovery and not all members have arrived at that conclusion but it is true. Although I haven't gambled for many years I reckon that I have only been in recovery for just over half of that period.

First thing to learn is that the first step of the recovery program is the most important. We can together do something about our problems that individually we can not.

Secondly is to understand that gambling was the cause of my problems not the solution.

Third thing is that we are sick people trying to get better not bad people trying to become good.

Lastly the steps of recovery are a program for life not just until we feel a bit better and we must give it away to keep it.

Take care

Hi Dave.

Just want to say that your posts on this forum has helped me so much in my recovery.

I am very grateful to you.

With warmth!
Thank you guys for being there for me.

Yes even at one time I questioned if I was eveil bad dumb stupid and felt so weak and vulnerable and could not articulate my emotions and feelings.

People will say that they have bad feelings.

I now understand that before recovery i did not have a choice and over time understand that I was an accident self destructive destuctive person looking for some where to happen.

Recovery has humbled me to to improve my self worth, humiliating people is not recovery is all about it is about encouraging and nurturing people to be helathy once more.

Once I saw myself as an equal to all people in recovery I understood that if they could do some thing in their recovery I could the same.

Once we make that conscious decision to move away from unhealthy habits we become responsible to our self.

The recovery program healps us help our self.

We can achieve that success with or with out any religious beliefs.

Sadly when I was young the religious people who were suppose to protect and nurture me were often teh people who hurt me the most.

That reaction I use to have to religion was my resentments towards those very unhealthy religious hypocrits.

Hence it is important in recovery that your words match your actions.

"Just for today" is about living in the moment.

To not live in the pain fears or frustrations of our past.

Yet to not live in fear (depression worry anxiety stress panic for em all fear based issues) of our tomorrows.

Sadly some people will not grasp that recovery is beyond abstaining.

Yet by us deomonstrtating healthy spiritual actions in doing step 12 that is another persons step two.

It is by us demonstrating spiritual values that peiople come to beleive that recovery will work for them.

How many people can honestly say that when they walke din to recovery they were spiritually healthy people and that they were very mature people.

When I became open minded because on arrival I felt very inept weak and insecure in myself I then was able identify my weaknesses and then was willing to help myself.

No matter how many times you read the books or listen to the sponsors once you act up on it it then becomes our own responsability.

Blame work boths ways that all other people were responsible for me being unhealthy, and then recovery kicks in and then you blame other people for your recovery.

Hence being accountable to our self is important part of our maturity.

Each day did I do or say some thing that was unhealthy to another person?

How can I improve myself and my realtionships with other people?

Each day did I do or say some thing that was healthy to any another person?

Will I give my self approval and validate myself as a healthy person today and allow myself to feel quietly proud about myself.

As each of us post and open up our self in healthy ways we gain strength confidence and ambition in our self.

There was a time when I feared living and fear dying.

That was a very unhealthy way to feel and stagnate.

I would not be who I am if it were not the very persons to admit to them self tat they were unhealthy and wanted more from their life.

AA NA etc etc are other programs yet once we get in to steps seriously and work on our therapies we understand we all want the same goals.

Once we abstain from one addiction there is often the drift to another addiction or obsession.

Often people will abstain from addiction and remain focused on money or often lack of money.

Steps are all about spiritual growth, and sadly spiritual growth is not explained in enough details.

We do we need to be honest, why are we afraid to be honest and open up.

Why do we need to be free of all fears in able to open up and grow?

With our fears do we honestly ask our self what is the very worst thing that can happen?

Are we willing to do the healthy actions and accept the very worst thing that can happen?

For me 95% of teh time the very worst thing never happen?

Yet I would live in fear.

For me fear stunted my spiritual growth and stopped me living my life to the full.

I was asked to do a workshop some years ago, needless to say I immediatley lost all anal retention.

Even to this day now I am nervous when chairing meetings.

Recently I have been asking people of meetings to give topics and then only take one topic at a time.

Some found it more comfortable and felt less stress.

I often ask people to pick soem thing of theri own choice and to question or to give their point of vew about it.

I encourage people to think and question every thing about recovery so there is no misunderstanding about the recovery program.

Sadly soem people might think or feel they question their authority,

I understand that today no matter how many times I read or how many meetings I have attended there is still lots I do not know or understand, yet I will admit my ignorance.

I use to parrot recovery I now understand words with out actions was not healthy for me.

Thank you for your sharing.

If you want to contact me in person please do so.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
Maverick. Wrote:Hi gadaveuk

Thanks for sharing mate.

We are all the same but I do understand we are all different.

Wish you well in your recovery and life.

Take care



Hi Maverick

"Just for today" helps me deal one thing at atime and one day at atime.

It has been 19 years since my last bet do I expect any one to believe that fact, no because I have difficulty in believing it myself.

For a third of my life I was a very unhealthy person one way or another.

When I was a teenager I tried to take my own life.

Yet because my life was so painful I got in to the habit of burying and suppressing my feelings.

That attempt of suicide was for real,

I took what was needed to end my life and went to bed like nothing was wrong with me.

The next morning I woke up I felt a complete failure.

Today my honesty is not just from my thinking but more about my base feelings.

I expose my true feelings as I cry more I laugh more.

That inner child is able to come out to play and have fun and be excited by life.

When in my addictions and obsessions was I really living my life in ehalthy way?

Not at all the spiritual recovery program her enightened me to be honest with myself and the with other people.

Do I want to live isolated living in fear and self doubt for teh rest of my life?

Not today thank you very much.

Can I say that I will never gamble again?

No that would imply that I control my gambling.

Am I putting more effort in to my recovery than I put in to my addictions today?

"Just for today" for me is about slow baby steps towards spiritual strength no more justifying my actions which I know goes against my own conscience.,

No more easy options, no more lying, every thing I feel today is real.

No more roller coaster rides just nice calm steady spiritual growth.

When I walked in to recovery I did not think I needed or wanted recovery.

Today I both need or want more of recovery than ever before.

For me Recovery and spirtual values became my belief system when I had lost all faith and hope in myself and others.

When I said to myself who cares any way I lost all faith and hope in myself and did not care about myself.

Yes we are all the same in that we have done unhealthy things to our selves and others.

Yet once you fully grasp the spiritual recovery program you never want to let go of it again.

I was emotionally vulnerable and had triggers long before my first bet or my first drink.

What am I willing to do to improve the quality of my life today?

How could I be honest with other people when I could not even be honest with myself?

Those promises I use to make were useless and worthless in those days.

Love and peace to everyone Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

PS Shame tehy removed the main part of understanding what step one and step two were all about to me.
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.

The recovery porogram asked me to look in to myseld and choose a healthier way of living.

I moved on from talking war stories and exposed more and more of my emotional being through honest deep seated therpaies from the heart.

I made that conscious decision that the life I use to live was painful and a complete waste of time.

The money was the fuel, any addiction or obsessive way was just the symptom of my emotional vulnerability and indicator I had certain emotional triggers.

Is recovery about who is right or worng who is control or is it about all of us taking back slowly control of our lives.

For me the spiritual recovery program gave me choices to live a healthy life without lying stealing deceiving putting on a face or putting a facade on that hi the real vulnerable me.

If in 1969 when I first walked into the spiritual recovery program I did not think that I wanted or needed the recovery program.

If I could not admit that I feared a telephone I feared the post arriving I also feared ringing our front door or people coming to our home, sadly I thought that by admitting my fears it was a sign of my inner weakness.

In those days I really believed that if I abstained from gambling I would be happy, it took over 20 years, I could say over 30% of my life to be able to learn and listen.

It took time for me to be honest with myself and admit that while I was consumed and obsessed with addictions I was a very unhealthy person.

Deep down I knew that I was going against my conscience and going against spiritual values but could not help myself.

It was a long before my addictions that I was living in fear, that I felt inept inadequate an insecure in many aspects of my life.

Yet it would take a long time to learn to be accountable and responsible to myself first of all, sadly fear inhibited me from being mature and accountable because I feared being honest.

The old saying that honesty is the best policy seemed very strange to me the most of my life, I now understand that honesty a sign of a healthy person with healthy relationships.

While I was in the grips of my addiction I was filled with fear and felt that the adrenaline rush was happiness, because the adrenaline was coupled with excitement I assumed incorrectly again that was happiness.

The truth was I escaped to my addictions and my obsessions due to the fact I could not cope with my emotional triggers, which were pain fear frustrations loneliness and boredom.

Deep down I did not know that I was a survivor, one counselor asked me if I understood how far I had healed and nurtured from my traumatic pain filled childhood.

Sadly some people would go through the same painful experiences as I did and were no longer able to function as healthy human beings again.

If I suffered emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse and was even cheated of my emotional wants and needs of feeling wanted cared for nurtured and protected and did what I needed to do to survive which was to build a very high thick wall of fear around me.

Because of the therapies and the honesty from people's hearts I was able to be open and honest and expose the very depths of myself with out feeling fear and been able to learn to trust people once more.

If that kind of therapies I hear these days off very powerful strong and help me in so many ways that I can heal even more and be the very best person I can be simply day at a time.

Last night a member of our group came to collected me took me to the meeting and even returned me back home which was very caring considerate and respectful of him and his actions meant so much to me.

I am very fortunate in that I am a member of very strong meetings which are so honest sometimes we can even laugh at our ourselves, and when we can laugh at ourselves it indicates we have given ourselves.

In being fearless does not mean I do not care, in being fearless if I am able to be myself, in being fearless what people think of me is no longer important, if people love or hate me that is their choice.

I had been in recovery a long time if and came to understand that people not being able to trust me was their choice, even though my actions that changed it did not mean that people I had hurt had processed the emotional scars that I had caused them.

If in time I learned that sex on its own was not love, that sex can be used to express love and that sex only represented 5% of a relationship.

For me in time I started to understand that stress anxiety worry nervousness feeling uncomfortable were all fear based issues.

If the recovery program is only a Manual if learning the words parrot fashion was not going to change how I felt within myself, only once I was able to put the wisdom into my actions would I be able to say that I was in recovery and that I was healing from my past.

On arriving into the spiritual recovery program I had lost and faith in myself, low self esteem no confidence and it felt like I was lost confused and had lost all direction in my life.

If the best way I can describe it is that my brain was like the largest puzzle in the world and it was all jumbled up, ove time as the edge of clarity came to me it appeared that I understood what recovery is and was all about.

This week I was asked if in August which birthday was I celebrating, I had to think and then realized it was going to be 19 years in August since I last gambled.

I now understand that being in the spiritual recovery program is more about healthy living and healthy relationships then when I last had my gamble.

In recovery I learned for me that recovery could only happen once I was able to abstain from all unhealthy actions both addictions and obsessions.

I was an adrenaline junkie long before my first drink or my first bet, yet when in action I really believed gambling make me happy, if I now understand that the adrenaline rush is not happiness and is not contentment and that in fact the adrenaline rush was put in myself and others at risk.

I walked into recovery resentful bitter twisted resentful vengeful and very unhealthy it did not know it and could not admit it to myself

Each day I have more and more healthy choices and I enjoy that privilege. Sometimes people can take serenity and happiness for granted.

Money was never going to buy me happiness serenity or peace with myself or my past, money was never going to repair damage relationships with myself and other people.

The reason I could not be honest in the past was the fact I feared rejection abandonment and the appearance that I was stupid waek and useless.

I am not ignorant to why I turned towards addictions and obsessions today, once I understood my emotional triggers and recognize them I could do something about them.

Pain and fear was never going to be away to learn healthy habits, in the recovery program I was able to heal and nurture my pain, face my fears, and understood my own limitations regards people and life and also understand that having unreasonable expectations of others I was always going to be disappointed.

In time I would be able to do things unconditionally and give ofmyself unconditionally and enjoy doing it.

The spiritual recovery program would help me understand how I can help myself each day, it helped me understand that healthy relationships are based upon honesty mutual respect and accepting people for who they are at that moment of time.

I doubt that there is a person in our rooms who do not know I have been to prison twice, and they understand that when I was in prison I did not feel responsible for my actions, when I got a speeding ticket I did not think I was responsible for my actions.

In being accountable and responsible I now understand that my unhealthy actions had unhealthy consequences and I no longer want to hurt myself or other people ever again.

The gambling was just the symptoms of an emotional vulnerability, the spiritual recovery program is character building and takes me towards having healthy spiritual relationships with myself and other people.

The spiritual recovery program has ruined gambling for me now and I no longer want to escape to those unhealthy places today.

Even know with all my experience and time in recovery I can never say I will never gambling again, I now understand if I were to say to myself that I was never going to gamble again it would imply that I now have control over gambling and my reaction to wanting to escape from myself and life, if I were to feel and think that I would be fooling myself.

I understand now how vulnerable I used to feel, in the old days before recovery I did not have a choice, I understand also that my parents did not have a choice and understand how vulnerable and how ignorant they were.

The wording in red book step three “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is important to understand that anyone can find healing spiritual recovery without having any kind of religious beliefs what so ever, this fact is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
(27-11-2011, 08:19 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Hi Dave.

Just want to say that your posts on this forum has helped me so much in my recovery.

I am very grateful to you.

With warmth!

Hi Paula

I do hope that you had a peaceful relaxed time over Christmas.


Dave L

AKA  Dave of Beckenham

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