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I am a non religious person and found a healthy recovery
#1
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
I did not have a clue how lonely and isolated I was before my spiritual recovery, I could admit simple things like I was frightened of the post man, I was frightened of the telephone ringing and I was frightened of strangers coming to our home.
I use to chew my thumb nails down till they bled, my legs use to twitch from being so stressed out uptight and nervous all the time, yet from my thinking I thought that everyone else lived liked that. As I opened up more I become slightly more comfortable with going in to meetings, yet felt uncomfortable about some
When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I did not have a choice if I Gambled or not I just did.
I now understand for me that my addictions and obsessions were just a way of me escaping how I felt within myself.
I was not stupid evil bad or dumb I was just a very unhealthy person who when I felt emotionally vulnerable would escape in any way possible for me.
I did not understand that I felt very vulnerable, I even married another not person not knowing that deep down emotionally I was a very immature vulnerable child who had not healed from the pains of my past.
Before I was seven years of age I had suffered emotional abuse physical abuse and felt very vulnerable within myself I Had even by this time already started to suppress and bury things I could not cope with emotionally.
After I was eight years of age I suffered emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse and felt even more vulnerable and again could not admit it to myself.
Did I suppress my anger and my resentments or did I internalize those pains and felt that I was responsible for all the things that happened to me and started to doubt myself.
For sure I was a victim from a very early age and yet understanding how painful it was from my own experience I did and said unhealthy things to people that were close to me, I was doing the same things that were done to me, I was transferring my pains fears and frustrations on to other people.
On walking in to the spiritual recovery program did I truly understand how unhealthy I had become, did I understand how immature I was, did I understand how inept I felt, did I understand how insecure I was, did I understand how scared of being honest I was.
I like many people think that if I did not gamble I would be happy, it did not happen that way, if I had loads of money I would be happy, not true, if I had loads of money I would not worry not true.
Money was never going to resolve my emotional issues.
I started to understand that I would find recovery without taking up religious beliefs.
That all religions educate people with spiritual values, yet why did I go against my own conscience and against spiritual values why was I willing to cause myself and other people pain due to my deceptions and lies.
One thing caused me a lot of pain from a very early age was my unreasonable expectations of life and other people,
One can question if all of my wants and needs were fulfilled from an early age and I know for sure that was not the case, not because would not fulfilled my wants and my needs, they were unable to.
In recovery I learned to have empathy for myself and over time empathy for other people it is of no importance when people had their last bet or last unhealthy habit, it is important to encourage people to stay with their recovery no matter what happens.
Sadly people will think and feel that if they break out after some time of abstaining that time is lost no clean time is not lost, is not correct if one gambles after time they have not lost clean time.
If I were to gamble tomorrow does that mean I have no value to the rooms of the spiritual recovery program, even my last break out does that mean they cannot learn from my emotional vulnerability or my emotional triggers and what to watch out for.
For me there is no such thing as failure once a person is in the spiritual recovery program, there is a gradual learning curve which seems so slow at the beginning.
How many people give up one addiction and another kind escape in another addiction or obsession, for me escape was television I would get angry if someone disturbed my watching television, now only use television to relax and chill out, I can take it or leave I would plan my life around television I am not that sick.
Some people think that they can only be happy if there team wins if the teams fail they feel they have failed, how can that in any way be healthy.
My reacting in my anger and in my resentments is my responsibility today, I needed to understand my emotional triggers and then once I recognized my emotional triggers do something about them.
I have a great fear to aggression and confrontation which was a result of many spiritually unhealthy adults transferring their pains fear and frustrations on to me.
For certain people abused me in several physical ways and for sure I was a victim yet not only did they physical me with it came their emotional abuse which I internalized on many occasions.
It took me over two years of doing Karate to understand that I feared aggression and confrontation through people transferring their pains fears and frustrations on to me time and time again.
By doing Karate I found I enjoyed fighting and physical contact, and doing Karate help build my contact with other people.
I think the easy way to explain recovery is to relate it to mountain climbers and they gain confidence and learn safe practices in how to progress and learn new skills.
I now understand that I could not do spiritual recovery on my own, it is like expecting a defective computer to repair itself.
That mountain climbers use the rope of hope and faith which is our honesty to stay safely connected with spiritually healthy growing people for the feeling of safety and to share our safe healthy wisdom and helps people progressing without fear holding us all back from progressing? The strength or our rope is our honesty wisdom and our trust and our healthy sharing?
Sadly people want quick fixes and to be healed and resolved over night, sadly it took me many many decades to become unhealthy and take up unhealthy habits and it was and is going to take time to exchange those unhealthy habits in to unhealthy habits.
The number of people is not a measure of the strength of our recovery or our progress; it is our honesty which is strength and the quality of our progress? Our honesty is the best policy?
Our honesty is an indicator of how healthy my relationships are with other people and with myself.
Often as we move through recovery helping each other it is important to stay tied to spiritual healthy confident people and with strong groups so that our progress is both healthy and steady.
Even the slowest person moves with the healthy group that are all tied together in their recovery and their honesty.
Today as I get much healthier spiritually and physically I am feeling far less guilt and shame in my life, there is nothing healthy by living in guilt and shame today.
Every action has consequences, in my recovery every healthy spiritual action has healthy consequences, by doing nothing and being bored sitting on my hands abstaining only I do not progress.
Over time I have reduced the number of things which would be classed as forms of self abuse, not because of what people think of me but because of how much I value myself.
Yesterday was a healthy full day 7 hours of sorting out my family pictures and information sorting it in to individual piles, then met with Uncle did a choir had a meal, then played pool for several hours then had a burger and returned back home.
I am feeling more proud of myself, as I become more productive there is less regret in my life, as I become more focused on healthy living I reduce the odds of me going back to unhealthy living again. Abstaining on its own was and is not enough for me today.
Am I becoming more and more grateful for who I am and where I am each day, I do not want or need to escape each day.
I keep asking if it is by luck that we are tested more and more as we get healthy or is it just by chance or luck.
Well in the past I was a believer that everything was about luck, who you knew where you were etc. Now for me spiritual recovery has nothing to do about luck.
Spiritual recovery is about going regulary to meetings and doing work on me, spiritual recovery is about me being more accountable to myself and to my family.
I was never stupid just ignorant I did not know that I could help myself to become a much healthier person just day at a time.
For me spiritual recovery is learning to have relationships without any fear holding me back in any way or form, I did not know that I feared emotional intimacy with people.
Does my fear hold be back in any way from being healthy and productive and to become more amture, do I do the best I can do at anything I do.
If at any time I am pushing my beliefs on to other people it is an indicator of how insecure I am within myself, am I in any way trying to control other people today.
When I use the words “I have to” implies obsessive thinking and that I am doing things reluctantly without desire.
In taking inventory at the end of each day have my words or actions adversely affected another person, how can I improve my relationship with other people and with myself, sadly people think that buying pains and suppressing pains is healing pain, that is not so if we still fear people we have not healed our self.
If we react to people in an unhealthy way we have not healed our self. If we avoid people we are not facing our self. I do think sometimes people are so unhealthy we need to sever our relationship with them.
That action is not fear based but a boundary we set for our self. A boundary is not for other people a boundary is saying we value our self and are going to protect our self.
Often people will use offensive language and often it is due to the fact they are not able to articulate their feelings in a healthy way.
Being over sensitive and getting angry quickly was a good indication that the pains of my past were not healed and nurtured away. How can I tell if I Have healed my pains in a healthy way, well for me all my pains caused me many fears, and if I am able to feel sadness for a painful event in my life it is healed.
For me the wording of the spiritual recovery program should be it is highly recommended that you do or do not do certain in your best interest.
I am organizing lots of my mother and family history and ancestry, the number of files and pictures is so over powering and hard to believe.
I saw and spoke to Shirley today we talked about experiences and how much we are looking forward to be being back with each other once more and how important our home is to both of us.
I also saw our grand children they are cute lovely children, I do not get to spend enough time with them which is sad, I am not going to get upset about it though.
I was so scared and limited in my life when walking in to recovery yet was not able to or willing to admit my fears to myself, I was afraid of my family leaving me, I was afraid of the telephone ringing, I was afraid of the post man, I was afraid of people coming to our front door.
The spiritual program was going to help me help myself over long period of time. Sadly most of us want to have the quick fix, recovery and healing does not work that way.
I was so focused on the money issue that I did not understand that every time I was gambling I was not only losing money I was going to
Every time I took the easy option in life I was cheating myself, every time I took the easy option I was getting weaker.
Each time I lied I went against spiritual values, each time I lied I went against my own conscience I caused myself pain due to the guilt and shame I was feeling.
Just because I stopped gambling did not mean I became healthy over night, just because I stopped obsessions did not mean I respected myself and that I did not like myself or that my anger would fade away over night.
By burying and suppressing my pains I was not healing them, at what time in my life would I cry for that little hurt child in me, at what time in my life would I start to respect like love and care for myself.
My honesty demonstrates how healthy my relationships are with other people and with myself, my honesty demonstrates that I am not afraid to be open about who I am and what I am today.
Welcome to new comers to this web site in time we learn to relate to other people and are able to recognise what is healthy and unhealthy about our self and how we can improve the quality of our life by our own actions.
I used to be like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere, and could see or feel that what I was doing all the time and energy was a complete waste of time and energy it was very unhealthy activity in my addictions and obsessions.
I was in fact working for the gambling establishments for nothing, giving them all my holidays my cars and houses and also depriving my family of the things they deserved from life.
By gambling whatever was not healthy with my life simply made things much worse than they were previously.
By gambling and my obsessions I was getting weaker and weaker and yet could not admit it to myself.
Once you overcome your fears you start to feel comfortable going to meetings, and feeling comfortable you move on from reading words and understanding that it is by our healthy actions we become healthy spiritually by sharing in our therapies.
I am glad that I am a compulsive gambler because without the spiritual recovery I would never found out how much I was missing from life and my relationships with other people and how unhealthy I had become.
Being dysfunctional was so unhealthy for me, being dysfunctional indicated that I was unable to be spiritual and healthy with other people.
Being dysfunctional was about blaming other people for my failings, being dysfunctional was living in the pains fears and frustrations of my past, being dysfunctional was not feeling proud in myself unable to give myself any kind of credit or approval, being dysfunctional was being unable to have the confidence to do the healthy thins at the correct time.
The facade I lived was built on fear and that is all.
So confidence pride and respect come about due to my healthy actions and healthy words, a decline in our self is due to the fact we go against spiritual values and go against our own conscience which causes us to feel pain time and time again.
Anger and resentments were a huge part of life for me before recovery, I could not admit to myself or the rooms that inside I was all bitter bent and twisted up with the pains of my past.
Feelings of anger and resentments were a very good indicator that I was not able to heal my pains and was not able to forgive people who had intentionally or adversely affected me in some way.
My anger and resentments started very much from my child hood as I tried to take my own life as a teenager I could resolve or heal my own pains and I was going to bury and suppress painful things in my life for a very long time.
As you peel back the onion that little hurt child in me starts to come out and play and he does so the pains of the past come to surface once I was able to deal with them.
Sponsorship is a very important part of peoples recovery, it is an opportunity for people to come out of their fears and talk about deep seated issues they have never talked about before, it is a very slow process and it is very much the birth of a very close relations and friendships.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
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#2
Hi Dave

Thanks for the share. It has been a while since you posted here, I have missed reading your posts, they are certainly appreciated.

Big Dave (Eastcote/Uxbridge)
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#3
Hello Dave

Thank you for your share. Full of hope and honesty...
In unity
Smartie xx
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#4
Hey Marius,

Your first post in a couple of years, how's recovery going?
Would be good to hear

Smartie xx
Reply
#5
(26-01-2014, 01:00 AM)BigDave Wrote: Hi Dave

Thanks for the share. It has been a while since you posted here, I have missed reading your posts, they are certainly appreciated.

Big Dave (Eastcote/Uxbridge)

Hi

Thank you for your comments.

Dave L
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