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I am in spiritual recovery and healing and becoming healthy
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person, yet I am not a religion person.

With regards my anger and resentments I did not understand those unhealthy reactions started from an early age for me.

Only once I was over 50 years of age did I learn that anger is an unhealthy reaction to pain fear and frustrations, sadly not one of my teachers in child hood knew that simple fact.

I use to blame and the world for my stress that was fear based, and even though it is very twisted thinking I use to fee responsible for how other felt and if they were angry or hurt I felt responsible for how they felt, that was an unhealthy habit from my child hood years.

I have been angry twice this week and understand it was unhealthy and understand why I was angry, yet it was for a very brief period of time.

My emotional triggers were pains fear frustrations loneliness and boredom, sadly I use to think before the spiritual recovery growth that gambling was the most exciting thing in my life and everything else was boring.

Did the spiritual recovery program brain wash me, did the spiritual recovery program make me religious, what was it that the spiritual recovery program did to me to change

The spiritual recovery program helped me learn to help myself it helped me to understand that any form of self abuse is not healthy and it gave me the new unbelievable choices to become more confident than at any other time in my life.

When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I was scared of facing myself and facing other people.

When I apologize to someone it is not about the money or who is right or wrong it is about healing damaged relationships.

I use to think that the world was responsible for me not feeling loved, it was my fears that made me unlovable it was my fears that stopped me from having any kind of emotional intimacy with other people.

I have dropped down to two meetings per week, the meetings I go to have given me so much help in learning how to face the world and more so to face myself.

My honesty extends for more than being a broken record keeping about the money I lost, the fearless spiritual recovery program rooms has given me such honesty is goes down to my very being, how I feel how I think and how I process life and situations.

I use to react to everyone and everything, yet in those I did not think I had any choice but to react in anger and hurt myself time and time again.

The spiritual recovery program rooms were going to give me place to identify firstly a day at a time to say to myself just for today I WILL NOT, then once you understand serenity prayer, courage to change the things I can.

The topic of birthdays came up today, who are the birthdays for, I use to think it was all about me the GA birthdays, sadly GA birthdays are for me to show my appreciation to the people that helped me help myself.

There is no doubt in my mind that every one therapies from the heart helped me gain faith and hope in myself, every therapy helped me deal with my stresses my fears and my tensions in a much healthier way.

For me there is end to how much more healthier I can be, each meetings helps recovery open up even more to me.

Today I did not want or need to gamble, yet if all I did was sit on my hands doing nothing today but abstain from gambling abstain from getting drunk or abstain from smoking then I know I was not working my recovery.

Do I any way try to control or regulate other people today, do I any way another person of fear being honest with other people today.

It is our own conscious decision is what counts to be dedicated to recovery, to spend more effort and time in and sharing recovery than I gave to my addictions and obsessions.

Are our actions today about nurturing and helping other people learn to fulfill their own wants and needs and encouraging another person to come out of them self and have a healthy relationship today only when they are ready for it.

Money was never going to resolve relationships; it was by me making amends and to make sure that people no longer need to fear me in any way.

I was working for the gambling establishments for nothing; I was taking my holidays cloths cars and giving them to the gambling establishments saying I do not deserve the nice things in life.

Why was I so reluctant to put to a spread sheet how much money I had lost over a long period of time, three decades of avoiding facing responsibility for my unhealthy actions and words.

Self enlightenment is a very powerful tool, to not feel intimidated and feeling willing to see and feel yourself in other people and not feel scared any more.

Step twelve is very important so that when new people come to the rooms you are able to help them understand how you felt before recovery and that you they the same way they do on their first day from day one and now my pains fear and frustrations do not adversely affect me the way they use to.

Anxiety procrastination nervousness stress confusion were just a small indicator of how fear I was in from day one of my recovery, in time as I faced my fears asking myself what is the worst that can happen if I say that or do that, only once I am willing to accept the worst that can happen do my fears reduce as I do the actions required of me.

Balance is an important part of my life today, I do not always get it right, and I understand that for me to be healthy I need to be more mature and accountable to myself.

My own healthy actions and healthy words build up my own confidence and pride in myself. Pride is the reward I give myself for my healthy actions and for my healthy words I use in my life today. The more I learn, the more I am able to share of myself with other people.

Every lie I told made me weaker and weaker, every lie I told caused me to live in more fear, and I was for certain an adrenaline junkie long before my addictions and obsessions.

In my addiction and my obsessions I was deceiving myself in thinking to myself that somehow I would find success happiness and emotional resolve through my addictions. That was never going to be the case.

Do I react to life and people today or do I interact with life and people today, do I feel connected or am I still isolating myself from other people today.

In the earlier part of my life I was having difficulty in having trust of other people and having emotional intimacy with other people, I had difficulty in learning and taking healthy advice, from my perspective I was feeling that any advice was other people trying to control me.

Today I understand that controlling other people is fear based, nervousness anxiety worry stress the base feeling is fear, now on would think that my fears started when I took up my addictions and obsessions.

I questioned at what time in my life I started feeling like a victim, at what time did fears over whelm and made me feel that nothing I would say or do would stop me feeling like a victim.

If people still want to blame me for how they feel today that is the fact they are unable to heal from their past, there is nothing I can say or do to change how other people feel about me.

I think that me being in my addictions and obsessions I was my own worst enemy, I was in emotional decline I was unable to value myself or care about myself.

I use to react to everyone and everything, my impatience and intolerance was an indicator that I was impatient and intolerant with myself I was being cruel to myself by calling myself names when I did not things right.

The spiritual recovery program helps us ask for help, the spiritual recovery program helps me help myself; the spiritual recovery program is not going to fix me, I am going to do that myself.

Going to counseling indicated to me that I was willing and able to overcome my fears and expose that hurt child in me, it was going to take time and eleven counsel to peel back that onion and let that inner cry once more.

I am often admire people who are able to and willing to articulate how they feel so that other people can relate to their experiences in life, I am still learning how to articulate my feelings in anon threatening way.

Child hood pains and emotional trauma were going to have a devastating impact on my growth and my maturing in to adult hood.

Often with every physical pain with intent from other people in my earlier life people were transferring their pains fears and frustrations on to me.

So how do we talk about how we feel without other people threatened by us exposing our past, do I want pity and sympathy today, did I really want to remain feeling like a victim for the rest of my life.

It was strange that I recognized that other people were willing to forgive long before I was able to forgive myself.

It was also strange that other people had more faith in me that I had in myself; they all knew I could do recovery before I did.

It was very painful going back to the rooms saying I had gambled once more, as I was able to feel more emotions for myself it became difficult to admit that I had hurt myself once more.

People think and feel that once you break out gambling that you have lost all of your recovery time just because of one day gambling, that is not so.

At one time I use to think that life was boring because I was not stimulated by the healthy experiences of other peoples growth, I am worth far more today than when I walked in to the recovery.

Every time I gambled I was giving away a little part of myself and losing my family with each bet.

Before entering the spiritual recovery rooms I did not have a choice, today that is not so, I have no doubts in myself or other people today.

My needs are to be more respectful caring tolerant and loving towards each day, on a growing curve.

Step one took me over twenty years to grasp, surrender was easy and simple enough that by my addiction I was in spiritual decline and getting more and unhealthier.

That every time I gambled I was in decline going in to more and more self inflicted pains, I made relationships in my life more unhealthy, that I was completely beaten, that gambling was a form of self destruction. Slow painful decline for myself and everyone around me.

I could not win a healthy happy spiritual life by gambling.

Money was never going to give me happiness.

Every time I lied was an indicator of how much fear I was living in, and with each lie came more fear until I went in to panic mode and could not think things out straight or clearly.

Step one life being unmanageable was understanding all about my emotional triggers, my emotional triggers were pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom.

I being over sensitive and getting angry and resentful quickly over simple every day things was an indicator that there were pains and unresolved and unhealed trauma and pains of my past.

I was born completely fearless as a child and due to unhealthy pains and trauma they caused me to live in more and more fears.

Being born completely fearless was a spiritual value which I lost and by living in so many fears I became afraid of emotional intimacy with all people in my life.

For me today love is a healthy emotional intimate relationship with other people or with animals.

To learn to be lovable I started to understand that I needed to become more fearless, and to accept that by being loving I am willing to give of myself unconditionally.

It took me a long time to understand my frustrations, my frustrations were due to my unhealthy unreasonable expectations of people and life, and this was also tied to the fact that my actions towards other people were conditional that if I did something I expected something in return.

Lonely issues were due to abandonment issues from a very early child hood, when people left me I felt both physical and emotional abandonment, sadly when adults in my life were filled with suppressed with a lot of pain fear or frustrations they put walls of fear around them self and then I felt very painful emotional abandonment.

Sadly as a child I internalized so much of what unhealthy people did to me, I felt it was all about me.

So to do step one was about understanding my emotional triggers, to talk to a person before I gambled and best deal with my emotions before I hurt myself.

Abstaining was important before my thinking changed to today I WILL and overcome all methods of escape, once that was done I became more productive, fulfilling my needs wants and goals.

I was in an unhealthy state of self destruction before recovery taking my loved ones with me; everything in my life was going in to decline.

I now know for sure that I was completely ignorant as to how unhealthy I was spiritually long before my spiritual recovery, or did I have any clue how to make healthy changes in my life, in recovery I moved away from having unhealthy addictions and obsessions.

Unhealthy actions have unhealthy consequences,

Healthy actions have healthy consequences, no actions on my part is I remain stuck being unhealthy and not improving my life and how I feel.

For me to be healthy I understand I need to fulfill my wants needs and goals, physically and emotionally.

That is part of what being a healthy adult is all about maturing and growing and being accountable in a healthy way.

To understand completely and in whole the serenity prayer.

Gratitude is about healthy spiritual values.

I do not need to be religious to be a healthy spiritual people.

No one could stop me gambling, no one could stop me smoking, no one could stop me escaping in another form of addiction or obsession that was going to be my own conscious decision to want to become healthy and give up my unhealthy life of my past.

I am not a victim today I do not want pity or sympathy, I do not want people to do things for me that I can do for myself, I do not want to hear war stories or people go on about money and the gambling.

Each time I broke out was an important lesson if I was willing to learn from it, what was my emotional trigger was it pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.

To be fearless and spiritual is very healthy.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave of Beckenham
loving the spiritual recovery
in unity
Smartie <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

Thank you for your comments.

If we can relate to each other then we are working our recovery program.

Given enough time I was going to learn to become the healthiest person I can be each day.

For me change was very much very slow baby steps on a daily basis.

Best regards Dave

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