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Spiritual recovery program helps us heal, helps us grow
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom and I live a much healthier spiritual life today, I am healthier and stronger in myself than ever before in my life simply JUST one day at a time.
The wording in red book step three “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is important to understand that anyone can find help with healing and the spiritual recovery without having any kind of religious beliefs what so ever, this fact is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.
Anyone or anything that tries to make me go against my conscience or spiritual values is unhealthy.
Anyone or anything that tries to undermine my needs wants or goals is unhealthy.
Long before my excessive unhealthy gambling my life was unmanageable emotionally.
Do I interact with people in a healthy today or do I react from pain fear or frustrations, do I resent anyone or anything today, am I content within myself, am I patient and tolerant with myself.
My conscience is not my worst enemy today I do not have a desire to live in the memory and pains of my unhealthy actions and words today.
Did I hurt myself or other people before my recovery yes for sure I did, I am not willing to blame other people for my unhealthy actions or words today.
When I was approached by someone to do a work shop the first time in my life I certainly lost all anal retentions. Now one would question why did I feel fear in that instant, was it lack of confidence, was it a lack of faith and confidence in myself.
Was it a fear of being a failure, more so a fear of being a failure in front of other people in the recovery program.
In this last week a person told a parent that they loved that parent, in that instant of that person talking I was feeling for that persons experience.
To not fear a parent any more, to become less and less fear filled of other people any more.
Why should anyone really believe in anything that I have to say, after all I am a self confessed liar, I stole, I lied, I hurt and betrayed the very people that loved me.
I have been in prison I have attempted to strangle a person with their own tie and was not willing to cut that person free.
So how can I honesty expect anyone in their right mind to believe in any thing I have to say, how could I expect anyone to have confidence or faith in me when I lacked faith and confidence in myself for so long in my past unhealthy life.
So how can I honesty expect anyone to believe that I have stayed with the spiritual recovery program for over 44 years, would I be going to meetings if it did not work for me.
As people expose more and more of them self I see and feel myself in their experiences and over my healing time the past is no longer important, I do not want sympathy or pity I tell my story so that people know that the spiritual recovery works if you truly work it.
Sitting on my hands and just abstaining on its own was not enough for me to grow and mature, you only get out of recovery what you put in.
In understanding how I tick is very important to me each day.
For me the spiritual recovery program gave me choices to live a healthy life without lying stealing deceiving putting on a face or put a facade.
I now understand now how vulnerable I used to feel at the beginning of my recovery, in the old days before recovery I did not have a choice, I understand also that my parents did not have a choice and understand how vulnerable and how ignorant they were.
In being accountable taking responsibility and been mature could only happen if I was willing to become a healthy person day by day.
If a person some years ago after hearing my therapy came up and had a chat with me, he explained that living with walls of fear around me protected me from being hurt, sadly walls built on fear also stopped me from having healthy relationships with other people.
That person knew me from hearing one therapy from me, very powerful.
That was the first time I saw that person and I have not seen that person since, how was he able to identify that I was living in fear, I now understand that he saw in me how he used to be.
That was the beginning of me understanding my basic feelings, and over time I would recognize each fear which limited me from living my life to the full.
Spiritual values which my conscience is built upon are important for me to live a healthy interactive life, without any limitations with other people, no matter my past experiences, no matter how much I mistrusted people in the past I would learn to forgive and let go.
Each one of the steps serves me a purpose, and at the beginning I did not understand those purposes and how important character building was part of the recovery program.
My reaction to life and people was not about the money or the gambling or even the drink, my reaction was due to unhealthy childhood programming.
I would learn that every fear I had was due to and the consequences of some painful event in my life, and over time I would recognize that I needed to relearn how to heal and nurture my emotional pain, to face my fears willingly, and to understand the limitations of myself and to no longer have expectations of other people.
If there is no doubt in my mind that I was a victim and that I felt that I had no choice and that people gambling and situations controlled me and determined how I felt within myself.
Only by giving therapies could I expose myself and understand how I ticked, and over time I would realize that my reaction to life and people was not healthy.
Feeling a victim has nothing to do about your sex weight build birthplace or your skin color, feeling a victim for me was not being able to speak up for myself, to protect myself, or able to put into words how unhealthy people's actions adversely affected me and the consequences of their actions.
For me being obsessive or involved with an addiction was just an indicator of how vulnerable I felt in terms of dealing with pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.
Today I am not willing to give up faith or hope in myself, I am learning to be kind caring gentle patient and tolerant with myself, I am willing to protect myself.
The spiritual recovery program is about us being honest with our self and with other people and to say I'm no longer willing to do unhealthy actions towards myself or other people.
If every action has consequences, unhealthy actions have healthy consequences, healthy actions have healthy consequences and no actions at all on not healthy for me, it is important for me to grow and progress each and every day.
It was not nice to recognize that I had become a hypocrite, that my actions did not match my words; in effect I was living a lie to myself.
And the sad fact is that I know the truth about myself, I know what I need to do, and sometimes am reluctant to do it.
Again I needed to learn to be patient and tolerant with other people and understand my physical well being will be resolved sooner or later.
At one time I used to wish my life away, I wanted the weekend to come quickly, I wanted to pay days to come quickly and so for most of my life I wished my Time &Life away.
Today by living one day at a time in respect of everything in my life I both enjoy and value time and relationships.
Life is so much simpler by taking it a small bit at a time, there were times that I felt I could not live just for the day, often it was fear based, fear of failure, fear of uncertainty, and a fear that people might think that I was weak, when in fact I was not weak I just felt very vulnerable.
I used to fear asking for anything because I felt asking indicated I was stupid or I was weak, I now understand our asking demonstrates strength and confidence, and also indicates a willingness to interact with other people.
Is the spiritual recovery program about money, no the money and the gambling would just the symptoms, the sooner I learned those facts the simpler recovery would be for me.
The more I learn the more aware of how ignorant I was and how unhealthy used to be and how ignorant I can be even today, but acknowledging my ignorance is a healthy thing.
If all I did was abstained from unhealthy habits I would be cheating myself and my family, the spiritual healing recovery program is about growth and healthier interaction with other people and with myself.
If I do not feel guilty today for my actions today for my actions yesterday or for the previous actions in my life, I have forgiven myself and I have forgiven or most people who have hurt the betrayed me and let me down.
By living in resentments vengeance hatred lies and deceptions guilt or shame I am cheating and hurting myself, I'm not willing to live that unhealthy way anymore.
Do I practice and understand today the deeper reasons behind each one of the spiritual values today, that each spiritual value embraced is important in to my character building such as healthy unconditional loving unconditional giving forgiving apologizing caring trusting trust worthy patience tolerance humility sincere honest faithful loyalty optimistic self assured and well self balanced punctual courteous respectful considerate grateful content productive creative constructive nurturing sharing encouraging optimistic cooperative aware content stable humble open minded self confident calm proud love and serene.
For me if any person religious or political causes what tries to incite hatred control manipulation or causes pain shame offends or hurts another person is unhealthy.
Once I was willing the spiritual recovery program helped me help myself to become a more caring trusting loving respectful considerate patient and tolerant person.
I now understand before recovery I did not have a choice, it is easy for me to see and feel that any addiction or obsession was unhealthy for me and unhealthy for people around me.
If each time I went back to my addictions or obsessions indicated I did not care about myself and that I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.
Every time I went back to my addiction I had no choice but to lie to myself, and no choice but to lie to people around me.
With every lie I told my fears grew and grew out of all reason till I reached a point where pure panic would take over and I could even think clearly.
If every time I went to my addictions I made things and relationships in my life worse never better.
Long before my recovery I did not know what I was missing from life and from relationships with people around me, due to unhealthy actions I was cheating myself a spiritual interaction with myself and with all other people.
If it is my choice on a regular basis to listen to my conscience, to take account of my actions each day, to recognize and identify how I can improve my relationship with myself and with all of the people.
If I used to blame if the world and other people for how I felt, if I used to think that other people controlled how I felt about myself.
Today I understand my reaction to other people is my responsibility, my anger is my responsibility, my happiness is my responsibility, and that happiness does not come about due to material things and money.
Progress and goal setting is my responsibility, I can no longer blame other people for my lack of relationships with them, all relationships in my life are partially my responsibility.
Healthy relationships are based on honesty, if I'm not able to be honest with myself then I'm not able to be honest with other people.
Why did I used to laugh when it was suggested that when I was in the wrong that I promptly admitted it, did that laughter indicate I thought if me taking responsibility was going to be very painful and a bit of a laugh and a joke.
The reason I laughed was because in my mind I thought that taking responsibility and apologizing was going to be painful, I now understand that taking responsibility being accountable and apologizing is a sign of maturity and strength.
That fearing taking responsibility and apologizing was due to childhood programming, each time I took responsibility and was honest as a child I was punished for it, either physically or emotionally or both.
In being honest in the spiritual recovery program I was encouraged and complimented for my honesty, in fact a lot of people would let me know I could relate to me my feelings and to my past experiences.
Being honest in recovery started by talking about the money the addiction and the obsessions, over time I would talk about my feelings and emotions, but triggers them when I felt vulnerable, understanding that I could not cope emotionally well with pain fear frustrations loneliness or boredom.
If I used to feel that there was a hole in me was something was missing from my character, I now understand that I felt that way because my emotional wants and needs were not fulfilled in my child.
I was born was certain spiritual values that were very precious, I was born completely fearless, if I could give of myself unconditionally, I was unconditionally trusting, and I was completely honest and open.
I was for sure if taken advantage of as a child, in those days often pain was used one way or another to try and make children do as they were told.
Most teachers in my experience used pain and fear on the children, in fact sometimes as they physically beat me they would tell me that I would learn to respect them.
In my childhood it was said the only girls and babies that cried, so from a very early age I learned to bury and suppress my pains.
People will think and feel that is the only way of self preservation, and later in my life I would overcome that unhealthy programming.
People will not look at their anger and hatred and try to understand why they feel that way, people will even justify having unhealthy thoughts towards other people.
For me spiritual recovery is never ending it is an ongoing growing progressive state of mind and character building.
If I do not fear the gambling establishments as they are only moneymaking businesses, the gambling establishments never made me do anything I did not want to do.
The gambling establishments never lied to my family I did, the gambling establishments never stole from my family I did, and once I was honest to myself I could no longer blame the gambling establishments for how I felt.
In helping our self is about progress, and progress is all about spiritual growth, and spiritual values standalone from all religions from all beliefs and from all politics.
Spiritual values are all about healthy interaction between all people, no matter what their beliefs or religions are.
I have choices today which far extend beyond not gambling and not been obsessed about anything anyone all been obsessed and consumed with worry anxiety stress guilt shame or fears
It is kind of sad that people throughout the world will try to generate hatred and bias to cause a rift and splits people having healthy relationships with themselves and other people, those people taint other people because they are tainted in themselves and are very unhealthy people.
If I blame other people for how I feel today I am not healing my pains today I am not facing my fears today and not accepting serenity today.
Welcome to those lurkers and new people in time you will be able to open up and feel less fear.
And learn to feel pride in yourself and your actions once more.
Sadly before recovery I did not even know what pride was.
So when people told me it was pride that stopped me growing I knew they did not know what was going on in me.
Recovery is one step at a time, baby steps, recovery is character building, and recovery is about healing and putting value on myself so I am not willing to give up faith or hope in myself again.
My father died unable to say he loved me; he was unable to show his true feelings because of his past experiences.
All the time I spiritually grow and progress and gain pride in myself I am not willing to go back to that hell I use to think was fun and exciting.
I do not fear gambling establishments today, they are just a money making business. I am very sure they can manage without any of my money any more.
Am I going to allow unhealthy people to take me down with them in or out of the spiritual recovery rooms?
Sadly I have seen many people in over forty years of being in the rooms of recovery who are not able to or not willing to move on from war stories yet.
Those people are not able to give therapies from the heart and that is their loss.
Sadly for some people they will think and feel that abstaining is all that recovery is all about.
If I react to another person’s unhealthy attitude or their pain fear or frustrations I will only be hurting and cheating myself?
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham

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