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Step one understanding our emotional triggers.
#1
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!

Understanding step one was the most important thing I needed to understand and learn.

My life was emotionally unmanageable long before my addictions and obsession, when I was trying to take my own life as a teenager I could not heal my pains, I could not ask for help or talk to any one.

My life was emotionally unmanageable when people were dumping on me physically and emotionally, my life was emotionally unmanageable when as a child my wants and needs were not fulfilled.

Who in my life was going to demonstrate to me nurturing and encouraging skills, who was going to help me understand that every time I lied my fears grew and grew.

I understand that I lived in fear because I felt it was a way of me protecting myself, yet living in fear became an everyday event in my life until my recovery.

I learned to feel comfortable in myself by attending the spiritual rooms of recovery.

Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed.

My fears are willingly being faced.

My frustrations are reduced and resolved by understanding my frustrations were causing me great pains due to my unreasonable of other people and life.

I am now accepting the understanding of the serenity wisdom letting go of my unhealthy expectations of other people and life today.

For me being honest and accountable to myself is not about who is right or wrong but more about being healthy spiritually.

Every healthy relationship I have today is based up on my honesty, every healthy memory and precious moment I have had in my life has been based up on honesty and sincerety.

I like many people walked in to the spiritual recovery program lost confused and even traumatized with so many unhealed pains of my past, I have been traumatized both physically and emotionally on more than a few occasions in my life.

Yet how is trauma best described, simply it is pain which has an adverse effect on us is so many ways physically and emotionally.

If you see children play and there is an accident and one child gets hurt another child will often go up and give that child a hug and a smile and they will both feel resolve and get back to playing one more.

So what happens to us if the pain we feel is far beyond our physical limits or far beyond our emotional limits, well we close down feeling those pains.

We can argue if we are all wired the same way yet being angry and resentful is leaving us feeling unhealthy, on certain occasions the pain was so great I could not feel pains any more.

Being beaten up by 4 or 5 people did it very well ,being hit and run by a car driver, having my thumb being cut open with a knife worked very well indeed, just a few incidents and examples.

Doctors asked me what pain I was feeling I laughed and said I am fine.

I have said that line more than few occasions in my life.

So for me suppressing emotional pains how did that come about, well when I was trying to commit suicide at my grandmothers cottage when I was a teenager I could not heal the pains I was experiencing.

Often people will refer to healing pain as forgetting emotional pains as being the healthy thing to do.

Well for me that was not healthy at all, in time I would move from talking logic and talk from my heart, I would cry for myself, I would learn to cry for people in movies I would learn to feel pain once more and move on from it.

In playing it forward at the end I cried and I questioned as I often do who was I crying for, was I crying for myself and my hurt child, understanding who I was crying for was important.

I cried in prison like a child when I was locked up at nights, in that instant I reverted back to that abandoned child that felt his emotional wants and needs were not fulfilled and that he was not responsible for how he felt.

Even though I committed the crime and was caught red handed by the police I did not feel I was responsible for my actions.

I did not feel I was responsible for me being in prison.

Even when my own mother came to court to help me I denied that she was my mother, that is how angry I felt within myself, that is how much over whelming fear I felt within myself, that is how much pain and resentments I felt towards other people in my life that I felt within myself.

Is reacting in anger healthy for me today, no form of reaction is anger healthy for me.

Do I heal and nurture my pains or suppress them today.

When things go wrong or are painful do I laugh at the things that test my steel or do I evade people and hide away once more.

Did I find that watching television for long periods of time was just another way of escaping how I felt within myself.

Do I try to control other people today, do I feel I am responsible for how other people feel today, do I feel I need to person please other people today or can I be myself who ever that is every day.

I am willing and needing to look after myself more these days.

With all the physical pains and the health issues I am still happier than any other time in my life and know for sure that if it was not for the spiritual recovery program I would never have found out how unhealthy spiritually I truly was.

Am I able to say today Just for today I will not gamble yes for sure and am confident that I will not want or need to gamble today.

But I know for sure that is if all I did was just abstain I know I would be very much cheating myself because I know today I can do more than just abstain from unhealthy habits.

Like most people I would like to be able to live my life without worrying about money or lack of money, yet understand that money enables me to live a more productive life in every avenue of my life.

Some people might find me a boring old fart and I can understand that very well. Yet I am changing and growing each and every week and day.

Yet it is by my own actions that things change that I change and grow, the books of spiritual recovery program is only a manual, reading the text on its own is just not enough on its own.

I found it very confusing in the spiritual recovery program that references to pride was a big down fall.

For me on walking in to the spiritual recovery program I had no pride in any way, in fact to think that I had any kind pride in myself or in my very unhealthy actions and words of any kind was completely ludicrous.

Fear was certainly over whelming for me before turning towards unhealthy habits and even during my addictions was very much adrenaline based issues.

So how do we define what pride in our self is, for me pride is the reward I give myself for doing spiritual healthy actions and saying healthy spiritual words and doing things spiritual unconditionally and only for myself.

So by doing healthy spiritual baby steps and building confidence and self esteem in myself I became healthy by my own actions and my healthy words.

There is no way I could have found healthy spiritual living without attending and living the healthy spiritual program.

One thing I found is that in being healthy spiritually by more and more growth that times goes by very quickly and now I understand that when I am happy and having fun passes by very quickly.

There is no quick fix or easy option in healthy spiritual recovery, no one is going to fix me, no one is going to do my writing for me, no one is going to be honest for me, no one is going to wave a magic wand and all the pains of my past will melt away.

I do not want or need to gamble today, I do not want or need to smoke today, I do not want or need to get drunk today, I do not want or need to lie or deceive today, I do not want or need to be a different person in different situations today, I do want and need to be the healthiest I can be today.

If people are agnostic or atheist they need to understand recovery will work for them without being preached to, they need to understand with or without religious belief they can find a healthier spiritual life today.

That anyone can exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

The spiritual recovery program has helped me understand what values are important for us to live healthy interactive lives with other peoples and life.

Sadly because people are not able to or not willing to heal their pains they will remain resentful till the last seasons of their life and will die not having being at peace with them self.

People often question everything and every aspect about the spiritual recovery program and I admire them, now the reason they question is of no importance the fact the question is important so they understand why we do the things we do and how the spiritual healing takes effect and how we find peace with in our self irrespective of how ever painful our past was.

The truth is if we heal pains of our past in a very healthy way those pains healed become our strength today.

And our gained strength today sees us through events and testing times that in the past we would cause to panic fat to easily in the past, to the point we laugh at things that go wrong in our life today.

Each test that comes in to our life for a reason and comes at a time when we are ready for it.

No owing, no debts, no guilts, no shames, no expectations, no conditions, just one caring person giving to another caring person unconditionally. How powerful is that.

Before finding spiritual recovery there were loads of unhealthy things and feelings about me, jealousy envy, intolerance impatience, comparing, cruel sarcastic back biting, undermining and belittling, how could I not see and feel how unhealthy I had become, yet I would justify going against my own conscience and against spiritual values.

People who use to talk about me being more loving and caring towards myself were a bit of a joke, I thought it was all a lot of mumbo jumbo.

And as being able to accept a compliment and allow people to be my friends are you joking, why they are being nice to me what is their hidden motives was an instant reaction.

As more often I put pen to paper the more I found out about myself, it became more often I was ready to write on fist waking up in the morning, I found more depth to my writing and more understanding.

Do I react in an unhealthy way today or do I interact with people today.

All my fears of my past were associated with unhealed and unnurtured pains from my painful life time experiences, the consequences of pains in my life were fears and lack of trust.

Am I filled with hatred today, do I understand my wants and my needs and am I fulfilling my wants my needs and my goals.

Are my goals achievable and do I plan for my future do I have clarity in my thinking today, am I focused on healthy things in my life and do I value peoples love peoples loyalty and peoples friendship.

Do I value myself today, how much do my actions demonstrate how much I care respect and love myself today?

How do I know if I am healthy spiritually today, do I lie in any way today in words or by my actions or deceptions? Do I hide any part of whom or what I am today? Do I hide how I feel today?

Am I completely accountable to myself today and am I responsible for how I feel today.

Am I fearless today in my action and words?

Is my life in balance and do I understand my wants and needs today?

In my actions today do I have any expectations of my actions or are my actions completely unconditional today.

Spiritual Values stand alone from every religion and are what our own conscience is and was based up on from birth.

They say that honesty is the best policy why did people find it hard to be honest, could it be that by being honest people feared being caused pain or being abandoned rejected unloved hurt or ridiculed.

It is possible to be honest without being cruel and not have an adverse effect on another person.

When we have healthy spiritual interactions with people it makes those moments very special and those moments can be the high lights of our life.

Do I have courage faith hope and confidence in my actions and my words today, and I am sure that many people have different opinions as to how courage relates to them.

Do I need courage to do the healthy and right things in my life? Do I need courage to be honest and no longer live in fear?

For most of my life I had given up faith and hope in myself and in my actions.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave of Beckenham
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