Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Did the spiritual recoveryr program work & how healthy am I
#1
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
I now understand that no one could stop me gambling or being unhealthy, that had to be my choice, no one could stop me taking the easy option all of the time, that had to be my choice, no one could stop me being angry again that had to be my choice.
Me expecting something for nothing was me cheating myself, in talking to sponsors you start to understand often we know what we need to do but are unable to or not willing to.
Do we lack confidence and self esteem, do we think that someone or something is going to fix us and heal us, it was never going to happen that way.
How could it take me over 23 years to understand step one, it is one single paragraph, was I not willing to listen, or unable to.
What is important for my recovery to understand that the gambling and drink and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally unhealthy long before my addictions and obsessions.
It is important for my recovery understanding step one for me complete acceptance surrender and understanding my life was emotionally unmanageable long before my addictions and obsessions.
My emotional triggers were my pains my fears my frustrations my loneliness and my boredom.
After having my last bet I needed to understand which emotional trigger that caused me to go back to gamble once more. It could have been just one single trigger or several triggers.
The hardest emotional triggers to understand were my frustrations due to my expectations of other people and life.
Today I have no expectations of other people, today however I have high expectations of myself, courage to change the things I can. Wow that is me. How simpler can it get.
If I am not willing to write things down I am cheating myself, if I am not willing or able to work my recovery program then I am not able to blame other people for my failings.
By not having expectations of other people by doing things unconditionally I am free of frustrations and the pain I caused myself.
I use to blame everyone else for my stress and my anger, today understand I am responsible for my anger, I am responsible for my happiness, I am responsible for my unhealthy reaction to people and life.
I am responsible for my stress which is fear based.
Controlling people are fear based issues, yet is it possible to face those fears and accept serenity, is control and strength the same thing, is our courage based up on us doing spiritual actions and saying spiritual words.
Me trying to control people means I am not accepting or understanding the power of my own serenity.
Do you need to practice small baby steps to reach a point where you will face procrastination as being unhealthy.
I am no longer happy reacting in an unhealthy way of any sort or reacting to fear to everyone and everything.
Am I productive today in my actions, do I fill my needs today, is cleaning the home about cleaning the home, no it is about me being proud about myself and caring about myself.
Is going to the dentist about the dentist, no it is about me being proud about myself and caring about myself.
Is eating properly about food, no it is about me caring about myself.
Is giving up smoking about the smoking, no it is about me being more caring and respectful about myself.
Is giving up drinking too much alcohol about the alcohol, no it is about me being more caring and respectful about myself.
Is giving up gambling about the gambling, no it is about me being more caring and respectful about myself.
I no longer want to hurt myself abuse myself or hurt other people today.
By attending spiritual recovery meetings I am learning how to cope with the tests of life and people around me.
Gambling was an addiction and places where I use to go to escape how I use to feel within myself, in the gambling establishments I could pretend that I had no emotional problems in my life, in the gambling establishments I did not care about myself or other people.
I use to think that life was unmanageable because of gambling and the lack of money, that was not true my life became unmanageable when I was abused in my child hood before I was even seven years of age.
I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, which had a very serious impact on my growing up to be an emotional healthy person.
In the recovery I was going to set up boundaries for myself, to say to myself just for today I will not gamble, it has nothing to do about gambling or money.
As we grow our thinking changes from just for today I will not to just for today I will that is when we become productive with our time and our energy.
When I went to gamble establishments I was giving up all faith and hope in myself, when I went to gamble establishments I was saying that I did not deserve a nice holiday nice cloths healthy eating.
Yet gambling was not the only form of abuse I caused myself, smoking was a statement that said I did not care about my health it was another form of self abuse, getting drunk which affected my brain was a statement that said I did not care about my health, speeding recklessly was a statement that said I did not care about my health or my well being.
In time I gave up abusing myself in every form and started to slow down my life style, driving with consideration and respect of other people indicated that I was considerate and respectful of myself.
When I am being intolerant and impatient with other people and life was an indicator I was being intolerant and impatient with myself.
I got in to the habit of arriving early for appointments, arriving early for meetings, arriving early at airports, even having bags packed day before we were leaving on flights because I was more relaxed.
I now understand that other people did not stress me out, the truth was I stressed myself out, I also understand that stress is fear based.
For me nervous talking is nervousness and is fear based, anxiety is fear based, procrastination is fear based, depression is fear based, yet how long to face and deal with my fears.
I have found out recently that my oxygen levels have dropped from 97% to being about 90% which is not healthy at all.
Shirley finds it hard to understand why I do not get angry at the things that at one time use to drive me crazy with anger, yet I feel more at peace with myself today.
Things that use to drive me crazy with anger now make me laugh.
People in the rooms use to make me feel very uncomfortable at early stages of my recovery, I use to get very frustrated with people who could not or would not let go of their past and talk about them self today.
Every time a person processes a situation in a healthy way I learn from their experiences wisdom and maturity.
It is very important to ask for help, it is very important to ask someone to sponsor you, it is very important to ask questions about every stage of our recovery and to understand why we do steps in certain sequence.
It is very important to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, as we do we are able to listen to our own conscience and follow spiritual values and behave in a much healthier spiritual way.
Our healthy conscience tells us deep down we are good people, yet why do we go against our own conscience and go against spiritual values, fear is the reason we would do and say such unhealthy things.
A beaten dog does not have a choice but to react in fear and shake with fear, we have learned to hide and not admit our fears, in time once we open up more we live in less fear and become comfortable being our true self.
The spiritual program does not tell us you have to, the spiritual program really means to say to people it is highly recommended for your own benefit that you do or do not do certain things, that for your own benefit that you do the recovery program in certain sequences.
Our spiritual actions and words demonstrate what recovery is all about, our fearless spiritual actions and words demonstrate what recovery is all about, our honesty demonstrate what recovery is all about, our feelings comfortable in our self demonstrate what recovery is all about.
Only once I understood my unhealthy reaction in anger is not healthy for me I could do something about it, anger is an unhealthy reaction to my pains I am unable to heal and nurture.
Anger can also be an unhealthy reaction to my fears I am unable to or not willing to face.
Anger can also be an unhealthy reaction to my unhealthy frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people, that my unreasonable expectations of life and people caused me pains from a very early age.
Any form of addiction obsessive behavior escape or deviating my feelings and life is an unhealthy action for me.
Yet at one time I use to think that abstaining on its own was recovery, that abstaining on its own would make me happy, that once I paid back all of my debts would make me happy, once I paid back all of my debts I would no longer feel or guilty or ashamed about myself.
Yes it was hard to admit t myself and other how much money I had lost even hard to admit how many lies I told and even harder to admit to the fact how many times I made my family hide from me.
Then the point comes where you move on from war stories and talking about money and start to talk about the confusion in my head, where does recovery truly start, when do you start to understand yourself and the way you react to life and other people.
I was emotionally traumatized on walking in to recovery, due to pain caused to me by others and pains I caused myself I had no choice but to live in so many unidentified fears.
When it came to making amends I did it first time because I needed to and was very scared, then I made amends again because I wanted to and because I wanted to repair the damage I had caused other people and myself.
It is very important to take full responsibility for our unhealthy actions and for our unhealthy words, no justifications, no excuses because if we do not take full responsibility we are cheating our self.
I understand in the old days I really did not have a choice but to turn towards one form of addiction or obsession, you cannot go through so much emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse with it affecting our self and our spiritual values.
For me any form of addiction or obsession causes a decline in my spiritual interactions with other people, any form of addiction or obsession was an indicator that there was still some pains and fears lingering within me.
I think that when we are born we have certain spiritual values and are certainly innocent in so many ways, we are completely fearless, we are able to be completely honest, we are able to give of our self unconditionally, we are to be unconditionally trusting of every one, and then we grow up those spiritual values decline.
For me many kinds of pain causes many different kinds of fears in us, how important is it for us to face those fears, how important is it for us to heal and nurture our pains, surely recovery is about is all about healing.
Sadly people can go through their whole life living in fear of family and parents is that in any way healthy.
Dysfunctional people escape responsibility, dysfunctional people do not like recovery because it will ask us to be accountable to our self, dysfunctional people will often use guilt to control other people, dysfunctional people are unhealthy people.
Just because we understand more about spiritual recovery it will not swing or change other dysfunctional people in changing their childhood programming or their unhealthy belief system.
I so much wanted to be normal on arriving in the spiritual recovery program, now I understand what is classed as normal is not very healthy, what is classed to be normal today is not very healthy.
What normal people do and say to each other is not very spiritually healthy, and sadly normal people will justify their unhealthy actions and words and say they want justice when in fact they are being vengeful bitter and twisted.
I do not react in an unhealthy way to aggression and confrontation the same way I use react in an unhealthy way due to my parents aggression and confrontation when I was less than seven years of age.
I have been told that my father use to beat me with the buckle end of his belt when I was less than seven years of age, I have no scares to my body so found it hard to believe, yet there was pains and fears towards my father in my adult years.
Then one day I faced him and told him that if he did something again that was unhealthy he would not see me again, I expected to get beaten up by my own father yet he just agreed to my new found boundaries.
There was still pains in my body that came to surface after he died, I went to his burial place and I said I love you Ernie, there was a stabbing pain in my through like a knife cutting in to me.
I repeatedly said I love you Ernie until there was no pain any more, now I feel empathy towards that poor unhealthy man who never found his spiritual values once more before he died, he did unto to me those things that were done to me.
Sadly because of the abuse in my child hood I assumed it was something not quite right with me.
Then the light came on certain people will pick on the most vulnerable people who are unable to defend them self because of their own internal unhealthy insecurity issues.
Bullies are in fact very weak inadequate insecure unhealthy people who take advantage of vulnerable people or weak people.
For me to no longer remain a victim I needed first of all to be able to articulate my feelings express myself in a healthy way, to not be aggressive or confrontational, to talk from a place of peace.
It took me two years of doing karate to learn that simple fact that my fears of aggression and confrontation came from my parents aggression and confrontation towards each other and towards me when I was less than seven years of age.
Each person talks about peace of mind yet what is it, is it being completely free of all fears, is it being completely content with in yourself, peace of mind is it about no longer being angry or aggression with yourself or others.
Peace of mind is it being completely content with who you are and what you are today, peace of mind can you find it all the time you are living in pains and fears.
Peace of mind can it be that you are living your life to the full today in an emotional way in a physical way and in a sexual way.
Where do we start dealing with our own insecurities, confidence comes with practicing healthy spiritual actions and spiritual words, pride comes with practicing healthy spiritual actions and spiritual words.
Where do we start in our spiritual growth, my mind use to be so mixed up and confused I did not know where to begin to peel back the onion and expose that hurt little child.
Surely we need to understand the reasons behind each of those spiritual values, we also need to understand why we became so unhealthy spiritually.
Some people even get confused in to thinking that being fearless means you are a non caring person, that is not true, being fearless means you will try anything and understand that every experience you go through and you give your best effort is a learning and growing curve.
There is no such thing as failure in doing spiritual recovery, one day without an unhealthy addiction or unhealthy obsession is healthier day clean days cannot be lost, healthy days are never lost we have lived them and experienced them.
I use to fear computers, I use to fear putting my hand out, I use to fear people being nice and kind to me, I use to fear talking to my family honestly.
Sadly people who are not into recovery will adversely react in an unhealthy way to our new found recovery, some people will feel jealous and envious, some people will try to undermine us by saying that is a complete waste of time, some people will think it is about blaming other people for our actions, some people will try and tempt us back in to unhealthy habits by trying to wind us up.
It is important to not allow other people to undermine or unsettle us in putting every effort in to our recovery.
Some people will think that recovery is all about religion yet that is not so it is a spiritual recovery program which helps us heal and live a healthy life with or without any religious beliefs what so ever.
Our unity and our honesty is our strength, yes people will lie and not put enough time and energy in to their recovery and will blame other people for their failings.
Step four is not about who is right or wrong but more about what are healthy or unhealthy habits for us today.
Once any society takes withdraws religious education they cheat their society of spiritual guidance, spiritual guidance is what true recovery is all about.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave of Beckenham
aka Dave L
Reply
#2
thanks as ever Dave for your insightful and honest shares
in unity
Smartie xx
Reply
#3
. I have spent some time reading and rereading . I have tried GA over the last 10 years without actually understanding the spiritual aspect. I feel this time I am I have taken this on board, I have read spirituality to be humanity and putting faith in that we are all innately good people. I have never really considered how powerful the words unity and serenity are. I have so much more to learn and put into practice, thank you for taking the time to post .
Rovit
Reply
#4
Hi Rovit

Thank you for your response

The spiritual recovery program is all about our healthy interactions with life and people.

I use to react in an unhealthy way long before my addictions and obsessions.

Each fear I had was due to unresolved pains from my past.

The recovery program has enabled me to live with out fear today.

And to be myself how ever wicked that is today LOL.

My fears made me unlovable.

Love Dave
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)