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I do not want or need to gamble today
#1
My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I am becoming healthier in a spiritual way. Yet I am not a religious person.

Sadly when I walked in to the recovery program I did not fully appreciate how unhealthy I was.

I even thought that the spirtual recovery program was a short term resolve.

Like many people I thought that once I was able to abstain from my addictive obsessive ways I would be happy and content with in myself.

I even thught that once I paid off money owing I would be happy and content with in myself.

The spirtual recovery program was going to help me be accountable to myself with out giving myself a hard time.

My fear of being accountable was going to reduce over time.

The serenity prayer was going to help me understand that living in the pains of my past due to guilt and shame has no benefit what so ever to myself.

My fear of being honest was going to fade and being honest was going to be an every day thing.

Today I am able to honest with out being cruel, my nature now is more about being more nuturing and encouraging to myself and other people.

Last night I mentioned at a meeting last night about sponsrship and ho wimportant it is for our getting spirtually healthy once more.

Before entering the spirtual recovery program I did not have a choice but to escape in many ways.

By keeping going to the spirtual recovery program meetings I am proof that I am a suvivor.

The more self enlightened I am able understand more and grasp what I need to do to become a more calm healthier person.

It took me far to long to learn and understand my emotional triggers, my pains I was unable to heal, my fears I was unable to face, my frsutrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life.

Due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life caused myself a lot of pain.

My loneliness was very much due to abandonment issues from my child bood.

My fears of emotional intimacy caused me to isolate myself from other people at any kind of deep level connections.

My boredom was due to me limiting myself as to how much I could with my life an dmy time.

At one time gambling was every thing to me, today I feel like I am emoitonlly detached from all kinds of gambling and risk taking.

My health and well being today is more important than money today.

Am I at peace with my past today, is that hurt little cild in me at peace with imself today.

The opportunity to gets thing done in my life is important to me today.

It is important to get things done but to also enjoy doing them.

If I do things out of anger and resentment I am cheating myself, If I do things conditionally or have expectations I am cheating myself.

How long in my recovery before I did things for myself.

I am a very selfish person today, my recovery comes frist, me becoming a more sirtual person comes first.

There was a time when I focused on the text or spelling before I understood that the message of healing and recovering was the important thing for me.

Now that my mothers possesions are gone from her home Shirley and I have felt mums home is no longer the same.

In some ways mothers home feels more like our home today.

I was with my mother before and during her death.

I was very confident that in order for both my mother and I were to have peace over her death that I would need to face my fears and do and ay things that were essential for us to both have closure on her death.

There fore I was more honest and exposed myself to her and told her my feelings, expressed my gratitude towards every during our life we did and said some very unhealthy things and that the past was so longer important to our realtionship today.

That the most important things for us were that minute in knowing no matter what happened in our past that our relationship and our love for each other was what ciunted that day.

My step fathers stamp collection is missing or has been stolen.

I have ACCEPTED certain things and know that worrying about it will not change its dissapearence so in accepting sernity prayer I have let go of its loss.

Money and material things are only lent to us, money and material things were only temary things in ou rlife.

Money on it own gives us more choices, oney never resolved any emotional issues.

Getting organized and dispensing with most of my families antiques gives me closure in my life.

There were things that were well over 60 years of age taken from my mothers home.

Some of the items were over 100 years old and the thing that made it easier was the fact I understand that I can be a hoarder.

By letting tham leaving my home was also a rust issue that no matter how much money they fetch I trust the comaony to be fair and honest with us.

Letting go of the past was a slow learning curve.

Last year before my mother died I asked myself, have I said every thing I need to say to have closure with my mother.

What is important to my life today, the most important thing is having healthy realtionships with peiple that love me.

Secondly I will not allow money issues to adversely affect my healthy realtions.

I use to be a jackal and hyde personailtiy, hot and cold laugh one minute anger the next.

The rage and anger that use to rush out at times was that immature angry hurt child that never healed from his past.

I have time scales and spread sheets that clearly lay out my needs my wants and my goals.

Do I do the very best I can do each day, is my time full ad productive.

My sleep is very unsettled at this time, lots on my mind and no enough time to get every thing done.

I will be attending Exter GA meetings for just two more weeks.

Then I move on to London and surrey and then attend 50th Birthday of GA in the UK from 5th to 7th September 2014.

It took me along time to identify that I was a very unhealthy person.

I use to be so over sentive getting angry and upset at every one and every thing.

Sadly I had got in to teh unhealthy habits of burying and suporessing pains of my life.

The recovery program is a low healing process.

You are not able to heal your pains if you are not willing to admit to your self you are in pain.

Every fear I had as an adult as due to unresolved pains of my past.

During my gambling days the only time I felt sucessful was when I got easy money.

Every time I take the easy option of avoiding doing things or facing people I am cheating myself.

There are just not enough hours in the day for me.

My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fear I was no willing or able to face, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, my loneliness due to my fear of emotional intimacy with other people, and my feelings of boredom.

I am stimulated by doing new things today, that hurt inner child wants to do and touch every thing.

Am I a talker or a walker today.

Do I give myself appproval for doing a good job today, recovery is about progress not perfection.

In all seriousness would I be attending meetings after over 44 years if recovery program did not work for me.

I use to spend so much time worrying about things that I stunted from growth and getting things done.

Am I ignorant about certain things today, yes for sure yet that does not make me stupid.

Is there much more I can do with my life today, yes for sure yet I am still learning by slo steady baby steps.

On arriving in the spirtual recovery program money and gambling were my main focus.

If you asked me what was it that important that I lost on my last bet I would have told you a certain amount of money lost.

Today I understand that each time I gambled I put the love of my family at rsik.

The most costly bet would have been losing the love of my family.

Did I think that the spirtual recovery program was all about religion, yes for sure, did I think that the spirtual recovery program was going to control me, yes for sure

Today for me I understand that the spirtual recovery program was going to help me take control of my life, the spirtual recovery program was going to help me help myself become a healthier person.

The spirtual recovery program was going to help me understand that being honest is not painful, that becoming mature benefits every one including myself.

I will be attending the UK 50th GA birthday on 5th Sept 2014 in Basildon Essex.

I am looking forward to it and understanding that very few people I knew back in 1969 will be as dediciated to the sirtual recovery program as I have hav been over 44 years.

Sadly because I have been going so long does not make me an expert in any sense of the word.

I want to see more people in the spirtual recovery program, if they have no maney that is not important, them being there is far more importnt thhan their money.

People do to have to give therapy unless they want to.

The spirtual recovery program should change with its peoole, the wording should be updated, pride never hindered my recovery, fear did inhibted me.
I am able to travel now and do not take my worst enemy with me, myself.

I was often given good advice yet did not understand it, engage brain opening my mouth, the consequences of things I use to say.

Every action has consequences, healthy actions and healthy words have healthy consequences, unhealthy actions and unhealthy words have unhealthy consequences.

One thing I know for sure living in the pains of my past is not healthy, living in the pains of my past is detrimental to my spirtual growth.

I am in no way special or unique on my own, my healthy spirtual interaction and spirtual growth has enabled me to live a life I only dreamed of.

The dream world being consumed by my addictions and obsessions was a very self destruction path.

As each person in a recovery room gets healthier the room itself gets much healthier.

The spirtual recovery program has enabled me to embrace it as my second family, the spirtual recovery program has empowered me in so many ways.

People will give therapy when they are ready for it.

The last few days have been very productive.

My body is certainly complaining about me doing so much garden wrk.

It took me over 23 years to learn an understand step one.

Step one is simple broken in to 3 parts, Surrender acceptance and understanding my emotional triggers.

I was like a rat in the wheel going faster and faster getting no where fast.

I coulld not or would not acknowledge that each time I gambled I was in self destruction mode.

No matter when my last bet was all the time I am in my recovery I was an equal to all people.

In the rooms of recovery I would understand and start to heal my pains and heal from my past.

Recovery is all about healing maturing in an emotional way.

In my life time I have suffered physical abuse, I have suffered emotonal abuse, and I have suffered sexual abuse.

I have felt for some considerable time a victim, in being in my recovery I have been the perpetrator, and at one time I thought I could rescue people.

I learned that no matter when my last bet being in my recovery was my only hope of becoming healthy once more.

I learned to listen and also learned to understand that every one has their own beleifs and that while in recovery we learn to get along with all people.

Being in the sirtual recovery program unselttles peoples that knew me.

Life being unmanagable was about my emotional triggers, my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness and my boredom.

Christmas use to be a big emotional trigger, peoples agression towards me, a big emotional trigger, Saturday mornings were once big emotional triggers.

Do I fear emotional intimacy today, do I fear exposing my feelings towards other people today.

It is strange that more ladies seem to be able to relate to me than most men, it is strange that ladies seem to want me to sponsor tham, yet most do not understand that asking for sponsor is very important to them.

Ladies often find it difficult to ask for help, sponsorship is a two way street.

I did not have a choice before entering the spirtual recovery program.

I was unhealthy and did not know it.

Just for today I will not gamble is a boundary that says I value myself today.

Then just for today became I will now become more healthy and more productive in many healthy ways.

As I got more healthy my time is more productive.

My unhealthy reaction is anger was an indicator that I had not healed from the pains of my past, in time I would understand that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains and an unhealthy reaction to my fears, and an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people.

In time I was going to appreciate the serenity prayer even though I am not a religious person.

I am not able to change another person the only person I can change is myself.

People including myself use to blame other people for how they felt, today if people are angry do I automatically think their anger is my responsibility.

At what time in my life did I start to bury and suppress my pains, at what time in my life did I start to live in fear and not be able to speak out for myself.

Can I say in any way I am healthy today.

Do I try to justify my actions today.

Do I think it is important to prove I am right in any way.

Is being right more important than my relationships with other people.

Do I take it personally if other people beliefs do not agree with mine.

People pushing their beliefs on to other people is an indicator of how insecure they are with in them self.

Do I need to prove a point to any one today.

In understanding spiritual values do I practice those values in my life today.

I use to feel that my feelings were controlled by other peole and life.

Today I am not willing to let fear inhibit me from getting the very best from life.

My addictions a d obsessions were just a very celar indicator that I could not cope with life and people.

My purpose today is t be very selfish and for me to become the healthiest I can be.

There is nothing I can do or say to change my past.

Pain I did to myself and others is done now let me get on with my life.

I am very selfish in my recovery, my recovery is the most important thing in my life today.

Taking the easy escape option is not my way today.

I wished far to much of my time away before recovery.

I am able to listen and learn today, I am able to ask for help today, I am able to admit my ignorance today.

My resentments were an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.

My vengeful thoughts were an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.

My hatred was an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.

My feeling the victim was an indicator that I was unable to heal my pains.

My not feeling loved was an indicator that I was filled with fears.

How much do I value myself today.

I am still eager to get things done yet the rain still delays me getting things done.

Accepting the serenity prayer helps me in so many ways.

In being in the spirtual recovery program I am able to understand other people being unhealthy because I see myself as I was in the past.

Before entering the spirtual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to trun unhealthy habits.

My unhealthy reaction to life an dpeople started from a very early aage.

I was for sure a victim from a very early age.

Yet over time I became teh perpetrator in so many ways.

Being a vcitim has nothing to do about physical size or sex.

Being a vcitim was me not being able to speak up for myself.

I am able to be a healthier peerson today because of the things I have learned being in my recovery.

I do not and did have to take up reigion to become healthy.

Yet over time I would grow to learn spirtual values.

In the spirtual recovery program we are all equals.

It is a simple fact that I was very ignorant as to how the spirtual recovery would work for me.

I have invested a great deal of time and energy keeping at my revoverry and in the healing process.

I felt like a victim for so long in my life living in the pains of my past.

Reacting in such unhealty ways, now I am able to interact with people and life a healthy whole some life.

Being so over sensitive and getting angry was an indicator I was aunable to heal my pains.

Shirley & I have been so busy in getting things done in time allowed.

I do not hav a desire to gamble which is strange because I use to feel I had no choice but to gamble before recovery.

Step one for me was about understanding my emotional triggers.

My unhealed pains use to cause me to be angry.

My fears use to cause me to be angry.

My frustrations use to cause me to be angry.

My loneliness use to cause me to feel very vulnerable.

Me not having a healthy full life caused me to feel bored and unchanged.

Gratitude was some thing that was missing from my life at one time.

For me today as I became healthier my values changed.

All the time I was focused on status money and material items.

Today my relationships with people are what is important to me.

Over time I recognized that I felt isolated and lonely and then recognized my fears and also my fear of intimacy with people.

I certainly lived a large period of my life unable to heal and nurture my pains.

Every traumatic unresolved painful periods of my life left me with unrecognizable fears in my adult hood.

One of the most inhibiting fears was that of rejection and abandonment.

I am able to live a healthy life today and my values change as I mature.

Some people think that you have to be religious to be a spiritual person, That is not so.

Our conscience is very much spiritual based.

When we hurt other people in any way we hurt our self.

Yesterday we were very productive as a team. I am more useful these days.

There was a time when I wished my life away, I was afraid of living and afraid of dying.

I use to think and feel that I loved gambling, the llusion of love was because it gave me excitement and such an adreline rush.

Today I am stable and realxed and not living on the edge of my nerves.

Usually I caused myself a lot of pain due to my unreasonable expectations of life and of other people.

When people were angry or upset I took their issues on board.

My resentments and being over sensitive told me that I was not able to or not able to heal my pains.

Tomorrow we sign the final papers regards my mums passsing on.

It has been a year since her death and yet I now feel more at peace with her than ever before in my life.

There are three records of her father playing vaudeville I want to transfer.

I hope that I am able to do that soon.

What do we class as being successful, money material thing, or is it bout being more spirtaul and content with who we are where we are an knowing we do teh very best we can do in any thing we try our hand at.

Once in my journey of recovery there was more success and less failure.

In fact my theory is that every thing in ou rlife is a test of our steel.

How we deal with lifes tests is a meassure of our recovery.

Shirley & I are both working hard to get things done in our time.

Rain stops play of course that is time to relax and enjoy what we have and who we are today.

I am looking forward to being at the 50th Celebration of GA in the UK at Basildon Essex.

I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.

I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.

My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.

With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.

No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them.

I am able to be more accountable to myself today.

I understand most aspects of the recovery program.

My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.

I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.

I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very weak vulnerable unhealthy person.

I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.

I do not want or need to gamble today.

The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.

Fear was a way of me protecting myself

I no longer want to live in fear any more.

I do not fear the gambling establishments today.

I use to say that I wanted to be normal.

Today I want to be healthier than normal.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave Of Beckenham
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#2
Hello Dave
Quite similar to the last one bless...
I do enjoy reading them though...
thanks for your continuing honesty...

In unity
Smartie xx
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