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Spiritual recovery and healing means giving up unhealthy hab
#1
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! I am becoming a healthy spiritual person each day, yet I am not a religion person.
The old question which came first the chicken or the egg, the same with pain and fears, for me every painful emotional traumatized unresolved or unhealed event left me with fears as an adult which I did not fully understand.

Do you need to face a person place or time who has caused you pain to heal your pains or over come your fears. For me it is possible to heal my pains without physically seeing the perpetrator to heal your pains.

Every action in my life has consequences, every word in my life has consequences, every healthy action and healthy expression of my words has healthy consequences in how I feel within myself.

Every unhealthy action and unhealthy expression of my words has unhealthy consequences in how I feel about and within myself, when I am unhealthy I feel guilty for having said or done something unhealthy those things, yet I can also feel guilty for having not said or done something which was healthy for people around me.

In the spiritual recovery I would learn to exchange those unhealthy habits in to nurturing and encouraging ways to improve the relationship I Have with myself and with other people.

Questioning step two come to believe for me was very much fear based questions first of all, today I do not need to question step two I know it works if I dedicate myself with time attending the spiritual recovery meetings and put that learning in to practice in my everyday life and with my relationships with other people.

Often I heard the wording that people were selfish in their addictions and obsessions and in not having consideration for other people, now I understand that I did not respect myself love myself or care about myself while being consumed by my addictions and obsessions, so how could I possibly have love or respect for other people when I did not even love or respect myself.

Whilst I was consumed by my addictions and obsessions I was in self destruction mode, I was declining in several ways, once I was able to abstain from unhealthy habits I was able to set up boundaries about starting to value myself.

The unhealthy addictions and unhealthy obsessions were just simple indicators I could not cope with life and people, I found that I could only feel comfortable with other people after I had a few drinks. That was a flag that I would recognize till much later in my life.

The sharing at my last meeting were very powerful and very little was mentioned about money or the addictions, actions and consequences was an eye opener for me.

Every unhealthy action or unhealthy word has unhealthy consequences, it took me a long time to understand that by sitting on my hands doing nothing but abstain was and is today not enough for me. By sitting on my hands doing nothing I was white knuckling recovery and making it hard for myself.

Today was a very productive day, wants and needs were fulfilled, yet my goals were also talked about, Shirley talked about her wants and needs regarding us celebrating 40 years of marriage to each other in less than two weeks time.

Shirley talked about the fact she wanted us to spend time at home together. I am willing to listen to her and agree completely with her wishes and respect her today more than ever before in my life.

I walked in to the spiritual recovery program with no faith or hope in myself, I walked in to the spiritual recovery program emotionally traumatized by the pain I caused myself.

Like many people I really thought that gambling was the best love of my life, that my cruel gambling mistress took everything and all it gave me was pain.

Today I understand that gambling had nothing to do about love what so ever, that gambling was a way that I avoided facing myself or facing other people.

Each time I went back to gambling I did not want to go back to GA it was very painful telling the people in the GA room I had let them down, yet I did not let them down I had given up on myself.

No matter how long in GA no matter how long since my last bet or last argument I am equal to the person who had their last bet a few moments ago.

GA wants to see people who are in pain gambling in the GA room, it is not your money that GA want to see, they want you to give GA a chance, for you to give yourself a life without pain without hurting yourself and without hurting other people.

Come to believe is it possible for person to become healthy without having religious based belief, yes for sure, every has their own belief system, every has their own opinion, becoming healthy is what the spiritual recovery program is all about.

There is no way I could become healthy without relating to others peoples painful and unhealthy experiences both during and after entering the spiritual recovery program.

Over the next few days I am going I am going to decide on where and when I have my Canada official GA 22 year birthday, I suppose buying a birthday cake is a very cheap price to pay for people helping me each week to find a healthier path in my life today.

In the UK I found a knife that was used to cut open my right thumb open and it required six stitches to close the wound up, it works fine and at that time I did not have a clue how unsafe the situation was that I placed myself in.

I do not like taking risks today, I do not like tail gating other people today, that was a good indicator that I was frustrated due to my unreasonable expectations of other people.

Tail gating was a very good indicator that I was impatient and intolerant with myself and other people, and that I was hard on myself, tail gating was a good indicator that I did not respect myself or other people.

In recovery the questions came up, did I fear the law or respect the law, did I fear my parents or did I respect my parents, did I fear the opposite sex or did I respect the opposite sex, how could I possible change my fears around.

One of the reasons I feared the opposite sex was that when I use to talk to the opposite sex they use to giggle, today I now understand that the opposite sex by talking too much and giggling was they were feeling nervous and scared.

They were not laughing at me at all, yet I internalized a lot of things about other people in those days.

What people think of me is none of my business today. They can fear hate or love me that is their choice today.

Some of my old friends I have known for over 50 years, that makes me sound old, yet if I was in actions and self destructing myself would I have those friends today, most of my old friends I have told them my story about my addictions obsessions and even about the emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse.

I am a survivor today, today as I talked about my letter from my deceased mother written to me saying if I was reading that letter meant that she was dead and all she asked of me was to think kindly of her, nothing else was asked of me, very touching indeed, I know today she did the very best she could do, that is very powerful.

That is all I ask of myself today, to do the very best I can do each day, to give everything my best effort at being healthy today.

At my last meeting there was a lot of pains demonstrated, yet I would also say that there was a lot of people laughing at them self, for me I understand that people laughing at them self they have forgiven them self. That is very powerful.

Thursday night I attended the meeting which was very healthy for me, topics forgiving love and intimacy, I talked about my tears for my mothers loss. Even though I was suffering from jet lag I felt at home with those people.

When I walked in to the spiritual recovery program I was emotionally traumatized.

In my life time people have transferred their pains fears and frustrations on to me through their aggression and confrontations due to the fact they had unresolved issues in their life.

Even knowing how painful it felt being the victim I did unto other those things that were done to me, I would justify my unhealthy actions and words.

Living in fear was limiting me from living a healthy life, fear of mixing with people, fear of being honest, fear of trusting other people or their actions or words. Fear of opening up and letting people see the real vulnerable me. Fear of emotional intimacy. Fear of change. Fear of growing up and becoming mature. Fear of living and fear of dying there was no way I could succeed in my life and be healthy.

What was my main focus in life that would make me feel whole and complete as a healthy person.

Step twelve is about demonstrating spiritual growth not talking about it, if we are working our recovery we should be on a progressive rise in our healthy spiritual values in life.

In the spiritual recovery program I would become aware that before entering the spiritual recovery program I really did not have a choice but to escape in different ways in how I felt within myself.

Just because we abstain from one addiction or obsession does not mean we will not try to escape in our fear in other ways due to our emotional triggers.

I often use to question if I was stupid or dumb, now I understand that I was very ignorant, that I did not know, being ignorant meant I did not know, I did not know how unhealthy I was, I did not know that my addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was a very unhealthy emotionally person.

Feeling and being inadequate I was lacking so many skills in my life, in time I would be able to identify things about myself which would reduce the self doubt and low self worth I had within myself.

The funny thing the wiser we get the more we understand how truly ignorant I am even today, that with wisdom and healthy experiences comes more questions than answers.

How inept do I feel within myself today, are there things I am unable to do, yes for sure yet fear is not inhibiting me today, only be doing new things and taking on new challenges we grow from with in outwards.

In effect we come out of protective shell built on a life time of fears and we become teh healthy people we should have been all along.

The powerful question I was once asked, can we become as fearless as we were born and at what percentage would I put on it today.

If we truly heal all pains both conscious and unconscious I feel we can be about 95% fearless once more, that being a spiritual person is living without fear holding us back in any way today in what we do or what we say today that is healthy for us and everyone around us.

The word spiritual on arrival in to the spiritual recovery I assumed it was religious, every religion has spiritual guidance, the ten commandments is all spiritual guidance, yet what characteristics demonstrate spiritual values.

Spiritual values stand alone from all religion and politics. Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.

I did not have a clue how the spiritual recovery program worked, I questioned everyone and everything because

Am I a talker or walker today, am I a hypocrite in any way today.

I understand for me that the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I could not emotionally with certain emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fears I could not face or deal with, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and other people, my emotional triggers were due to my feelings of loneliness and boredom.

In my spiritual recovery and I am not a religious person I would start to understand that I could not help myself, yet once in the spiritual recovery program I could learn to be healthy once more.

To understand and ask myself each day what level of pain am I living in today, am I able to heal the pains of my past or just bury them once more.

To understand and ask myself each day what level of fear do I live in today, that living in fear made me unlovable.

To understand and ask myself each day what level of frustrations do I have within myself today, did I learn that having frustrations I was causing myself far too much pain.

The spiritual recovery program gives me the choice to live a healthy life.
To no longer be a victim, to no longer be the perpetrator, to no longer be the rescuer.

I like many people questioned everything about spiritual recovery first of all because of my lack of faith fear and trust issues, now I would not have invested over 44 years in to the recovery program if it did not work for me, sorry I had not worked the recovery program sooner, that was my loss.

My questioning the recovery program today is not out of doubt or mistrust but because I want to fully understand every aspect of the spiritual recovery program and how it works for me today.

I am often asked surely if you have not gambled for such a long time do you need to go to meetings, well today abstaining is not enough for me, because of my relationships with people in the rooms it is like having a very healthy second family you can talk to about any subject.

It is rare to hear people talk war stories or talk about money, the therapies I hear have helped me see myself in other people, even a new member has something to offer me, and often a new member has more strength than me that day.

The big question why do I need to escape to gambling or any other addiction or obsession, well for me the addiction or obsession was just a symptom that I could not cope emotionally with life and people and my emotional triggers were my pains my fear my frustrations my loneliness and my feelings or boredom.

My hurt inner child had learned to live in fear to protect himself from a very early age, over time as I peeled back the onion that hurt child would come out and as I exposed more of myself I would be free to cry and to even laugh.

Being on the unhealthy emotional rollercoaster one can confuse the adrenaline rush which was fear based as fun excitement and happiness, over time I would learn that I was not in love with gambling but it was an obsession.

Then of course if you think you know what love is by saying you love gambling and material things did I truly know or understand what healthy love was all about.

Today I understand that fear made me unlovable, yet over time I would also understand that I feared emotional intimacy, how could that be, well first of all as we talk out and expose more and more of our self we start to feel more comfortable in the meetings.

Eventually that honesty in the spiritual rooms becomes a way with our family and with even strangers in your everyday life.

The point of talking about setting up boundaries enabled me to value myself, just for today I will not gamble is a boundary saying we value our self today.

Yet with a boundary with unhealthy people at that point we stop being the victim of other people unhealthy words or actions, we in no way control or regulate other people yet we do say that if you do or say something that is threatening or offensive you will walk away from those unhealthy people.

With regards guilt tripping us that is a way that people bully and control other people, it is an indicator those people are unable to heal their pains and are stuck in the past and cannot move on.

I do not approve of wording that unhealthy people have negative attitudes, sadly they are unable to heal from the pains of their past and just keep dumping their pains fears and frustrations on to people around them through aggression and confrontation. Such actions are forms of bullying.

I am preparing for another testing journey in my life which is going to take some time, I am doing it willingly, decisions need to be made and I feel I am up to it.

I use to wish my life away for so long, now I wake up with such stimulation that I am willing to put great effort in to anything I do.

I was asked a question recently what will I do once yard work is completed, I am likely to turn to my life story or do work on patent in mind.

I often hear how busy people become once they take recovery program very seriously, some even question how they found the time to gamble now their life is so full.

I use to think that money was the most costly thing I lost during my unhealthy days, sadly I now understand that every time I betrayed my family and abandoned them either emotionally or physically I heading towards losing my family completely.

Now today the most costly bet would have lost the love of my family, it has taken a long time for them to trust me and not fear me anymore, I use to be that Jackal and Hyde personality, never knowing what state of mind I would be from minute to minute.

The spiritual recovery program asked for us to change and grow I think that the spiritual recovery program should change with its membership so that people do not get confused in any way what recovery and healing is all about.

Every person in the spiritual rooms of recovery is an equal to me, we are in effect all at different levels of being healthy, a persons ability to be honest is exceptional, a persons ability to be fearless once more is very powerful.

When a person exposes the most painful rawest parts of their life I thank those people for their strength and honesty, as we grow we have one thing in common a trust and honesty that us all leads in to healthy relationships.

Sadly there will be people who will take advantage of vulnerable people which is very unsettling, hence often it is recommended that people sponsor people of the same sex.

When I am asked by ladies to sponsor them there are certain rules which are there for both people concerned, a sponsorship should be anonymous, if lady is married or with some one that person needs to know of it.

The most important though is that once things are talked out that the person asks advice from more than once source and once that person acts up advice given they take full responsibility for healthy ctions.

It is very unhealthy for a person to say another person that their success is due to the sponsor, that is not true, for people to get healthy they need to be in the spiritual rooms of recovery.

The spiritual recovery program is only a guide, yes it is true I most certainly do it on my own that was already proven many times, yet my recovery is my responsibility, healing my pains is my responsibility, facing my fears is my responsibility, my loneliness being resolved is my responsibility, asking for a sponsor was my responsibility.

My contentment my inner peace is my responsibility, me not reacting in anger is my responsibility, the serenity prayer already makes it very clear, I cannot change or regulate other people or life, I can find the courage to change my unhealthy reaction to life and unhealthy people.

My wanting to control other people was very much fear based issues, my fear of letting of my finances was again fear based and control based issues.

Some people even think that being successful is all about being wealthy, in time I learned that healthy people are people are successful in what they do, the reward for being successful is money.

How many people in life think that money will give them happiness and will repair relationships that were severely damaged a long time ago.

Money and gambling were my main focus for a very long time, it took me over 23 years to understand step one, three simple things surrender acceptance and life being unmanageable due to my emotional triggers.

My emotional triggers were pains I could not heal, fears I could not or would not face, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life, my feelings of loneliness due to abandonment issues from my child hood and my feelings or boredom due to the fact I was not very productive in times outside of my work.

Anger was an unhealthy reaction to my pains I could not heal, my anger could also be an unhealthy reaction to my fears I could not face, my anger could also be an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people.

My frustrations were also due to my actions being conditional, because I could not give of myself freely and unconditionally.

In time I would work on my needs wants and goals, the goals were only going to happen once I let go of my past and focused on today and my tomorrows.

Before I entered the spiritual recovery program I did not have a choice, I am not avoiding taking responsibility, being a victim I was destined to escape one way or another from life and people.

Often people will abstain from an unhealthy habit only to switch to another unhealthy habit, it is important that every one watches out for that other kind of escaping, sponsor will often get people to sit down and write down their commitment and long term goals.

It is how ever important to not talk about long term goals with an unhealthy person, they will often say that it is waste of time and their underline questioning will unsettle peoples recovery.

Unhealthy people will feel very unsettled by our changes and new habits, people will often feel they are being abandoned unlovable and feel left behind.

I walked in to the spiritual recovery program weak inadequate insecure yet did not understand at that time I was emotionally traumatized due to emotional pain I could not heal or resolve.

I wanted to blame everyone and everything for how I felt, yet in time I would learn that I am responsible for my feelings.

Did I interact with people or react in an unhealthy way, was I able to be honest, at what point in my recovery would I recognize my fears.

Some people will tell you that pride gets in the way of your recovery, there was not one thing I was proud about in any way on walking in to the recovery program.

In time as I got honest more yeses to the twenty questions, also talked at some depth with people I started to feel comfortable unloading all the unhealthy ways I use to feel.

Only once I acknowledged my fears could I face them, in time I would recognize that all of my fears were due to painful events in my life that were not healed or resolved.

By me being over sensitive and getting angry at the silliest of things was an indicator that there were loads of suppressed pains that were not healed, I use to get angry at the old lady counting out pennies at the supermarket till, I use to get angry at the cinema line.

I am not the angry person I use to be, I am more content with life and people, I do not focus on what I do not have but focus on what I do have.

I am a willing soul to recovery now, no more doubts, no more wondering how it works, over time in talking in some depth I now understand how program works, it is a sequence of changes within each person as they grow healthy committed and more mature.

Reading text is the start of self discovery, yet once we cross that line and talk therapies another door opens to therapies and self discovery.

Do I in any way expect every person that attends meetings will be honest and healthy from day one, do I in any way expect every person that attends meetings will try to avoid transferring their pains fears and frustration on to other people.

Is another person lies does mean that every aspect of recovery is a lie, not at all not everyone is willing or able to be that honest.

A question often asked of me if one person knows that someone lying saying that have not gambled when one person knows it is a lie do we confront that person, which is the healthiest thing to do for the meeting.

If I was able to explain my recovery to myself over 44 years ago would I understand what it was all about, I very much doubt it, in me explaining my growth and becoming healthy will people want or understand what true recovery is all about.

The moment I said to myself just for today I will not gamble was my healthy boundary, just for today I will not smoke was another healthy boundary, then just for today I will not lie was even harder, just for today I will exchange an unhealthy habit in to a healthy habit was all about big changes for me.

Each time I gambled was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it, my emotional triggers were my pains my fear my frustrations my loneliness and my feelings of boredom.

I am a person that gives himself approval for doing the best he can do each day.

Once I see and feel a person achieve another goal where they have taken a new healthier path I see myself.

Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it,

The money was just the fuel which enabled me to escape to my addiction and obsessions which was my way of escaping in fear, from life and people.

Being motivated in a healthy spiritual recovery program helps me understand that every healthy action or healthy word has healthy consequences, it changes how I feel about myself.

For me the spiritual program has nothing to do about religion, even though I am a more spiritual person, I learned soon enough by going back to gambling that my recovery is down to me, yet I know now that I could not do it on my own.
Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson if i was willing to learn from it.

The spiritual recovery program is a second family to me, it is also a place where there is loads of wisdom and experience and even though people belief systems vary their healthy out come in the essential goal.

Spiritual Values are what our conscience is based up on.

Each time I went against my own conscience I hurt myself in so many ways, yet why did I lie, why did I try to escape life and people, could it simply be unresolved pain and fear based issues.
It was fear that made me unlovable and my inability to put greater unconditional effort in to my relationships with other people.
Step one was something I needed to grasp and understand fully.
Life being unmanageable
Was all about my emotional triggers, my pains I could not or would not heal, I just got in the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains not healing them.
Fears I was not able to identify or willing to face and over come.
Frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people. My unreasonable expectations caused me a lot of pain from a very early age.
Loneliness due to two things abandonment issues from my child hood and fears that caused me to isolate myself and I was able to have emotional intimacy with other people.
Boredom due to the fact I was not able to put all my effort in to things outside of my work life, I had in fact become a stunted with regards not taking on new challenges in my life.
Recovery is all about healthy progress not perfection each and every day.
Love and peace to everyone
Dave of Beckenham.
AKA Dave L
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#2
Hello Dave
Everything I read from you reminds me that GA is a recovery from not a recovered program... and I say that as a compliment...
Keep up the vigilance...

Smartie xx
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