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What is healing spiritual recovery and growth to me today
#1
My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I am becoming spirtual healthier on a daily basis. Yet I am not a religious person.

I am at my mothers place and am trying to get things done.

Every day there is lists of thing that I want and need to do.

Time is limited yet I do have time scales I want thngs completed by.

Staying focused yet not obsessed is my life today.

No guilt no fear just the simple fact that I no longer want or need to abuse myself in any kind of way.

In 1969 on first entering the spiritual recovery program thought that those people who were laughing and shaking each othr hands were liars and thy were not compulsive gamblers the way I was.

I doubted and mistrusted every one because I doubted and mistrusted myself.

Trust issues are fear based, fear issues are pain based, the question which came first the chicken or the egg.

For me I was born free of all fears, because of emotional abuse, and because of physical abuse, and because of physical abuse I learned to live in fear long before my addictions and obsessions.

I tried to take my life as a teenager.

I cried myself to sleep in prison.

I wet my bed till I was eleven years of age long before my addictions and obsessions took hold of my life.

No one questioned why I was such a naughty child, why I was so reluctnt to open up in any way.

Why fear of being honest, simple fact as a child I was punished and caused physical and emotional pain for being honest.

In time I learned for myself that being in the spiritual recovery program was not painful at all that when I was honest it was empowering to me.

Theere is no doubt in my mind that I was sure a victim, I was sure a perpetrator, then once in the spiritual recovery program I thought was a rescuer.

The simple fact playing any such part is not healthy for me or any one around me.

The spiritual recovery program is just a manual, you learn to help your self over time.

The excessive self abuse I did to myself was just a symptom that I could not cope with life and people in an emotional way.

Each time I gambled I put my family at risk.

Each time I gambled and lied caused fears to grow in me and my ability to interact with other people were reduced.

At what point would that hurt little child heal from his past.

At what point in my life would that hurt little child be free of living in fear any more.

Just to abstain from gambling was not enough for me, there was a lot of healing to do for myself.

I learned to heal my pains, I learned to face my fears, I learned to be a very selfish person in my recovery.

I could not help any one else unless I helped myself first of all.

It took me 4 - 5 meetings a week just to abstain, 23 years to understand step one was indeed a very slow pace on my part.

My fourty years in the spirtual recovery program was for sure a very healthy sound investment for myself and my family.

Can I say that the spirtual recovery program works for me, can I say that I feel healthier in myself than any other time in my life.

Am I less scared, less stressout than before entering GA, can I ask for help and advice, can I compliment other people.

Can I be honest and be myself today. Do I know what be loving is all about.

Just for today I WILL is all about my commitment to becoming more and more healthy.

The spirtual recovery program is all about my progress to get healthier each day.

The spirtual recovery program is about me becoming more mature.

My fears of aggression and confrontation started from a very early age.

Sadly my parents transfered their pains fear and frustrations through their aggression and confrontation on to each other.

I went to karate for two years then understood I enjoyed fighting it was the aggression and confrontation that I deeply feared.

As a young child I felt responsible for my parents pains fear and frustrations.

Do people use aggression and confrontation to manipulate other people in to doing things they do not want to do.

Is bullying of any sort an indicator of how insecure and cowardly people trully are below the surface.

Have I learned to be nurturing and encouraging in a healthy way towards all other people today.

Have I fully accepted the serenity prayer in every avenue of my life today,

I would like to think that other people were responsible for my recovery today, yet that was not true.

Other people in the spirtual recovery program helped me to help myself, if I was not willing it was not going to work.

When I failed in my recovery it had nothing to do about the spirtual recovery program or other people, I was failing to put enough time and effort in to my recovery.

Having lists of wants and needs and goals is still very important for my spirtual growth.

Having lists keeps me focused on one simple thing at a time.

I use to blame life and people for how I use to feel.

Being accountable today I understand that my anger is fully my responsability, that my happiness is fully my responsability, that my contentment and my honesty is fully my responsability today.

Blaming and escaping responsability is all part of being dysfuctional.

Do I in any way transfer my pains fear frustrations on to other people today.

When people put their hand out in freindship do I instantly feel suspicious about there act of kindness.

Do I any way have diificulty in accepting a compliment today.

There are often times when people are not willing or able to healthy advice.

Even though I am in a completely strange location in a place I have never been before I am able to be mysef with feeling nervous or uncomfortable.

I do not need to drink alchol to be myself.

Loneliness was one of my emotional triigers and also not feeling worthy of feeling proud or good about myself.

As I lose body weight I am having more energy and feel much more psotive about myself.

Healthy action and healthy words generate pride and self worth in myself.

The wording escape was often used in the spirtual recovery program.

Once understanding wording escape was an indicator of deep feaar based issues.

In making lists on regular basis out of ten how much emoitonal pain am I living in today.

Out of ten how much fear am I living in today.

Out of ten how much frustration am I living in today.

Out of ten how much frustration am I living in today.

Out of ten how lonely and isolated am I feeling today.

Out of ten how bored am I feeling today.

In comparing those feeling as to how I use to feel where do I need to work on today to improve how I feel in myself.

Am I nurturing and encouraging towards myself today.

This morning there is no test of my steel I am at a very stable state of mind and feel very comfortable with in myself.

No matter when people had their last bet that is not important in GA every person has some thing to give me about their expereinces.

Even though I had no money the meetings told me they wantd to see me there with out any money.

GA is like a second family to me, the expereinces the humor the healty banter there were time I laughed in meetings when I felt I was not able to laugh.

The days here have been very full, very productive, now I take spirtual recovery seriously today.

I was not selfish on walking in the spirtual recovery program, I was how ever very self destructive which is completely different.

I have been in recovery since 1969, during those years in recovery I know that the spirtual recovery program works.

More healthy interactions than unhealthy reactions to life and people.

My anger use to be an unhealthy reaction to my pains I could not heal, to my fears I was able to face, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectation of life and people.

Life being unmanagable step one was all due to my emotonal triggers to my feelings of pains I could not heal, to my feelings of fears I was able to face, my feelings of frustrations due to my unreasonable expectation of life and people, my feelings of loneliness and my feelings of boredom.

I use to take the easy opton in so many ways, in the old days the only way I felt sucessful was by winning money or getting easy money.

Today I feel sucessful today due to my productive healthy actions and I feel sucessful today due to my healthy words and healthy interactions with other people.

My gratitude is an indicator of how much my values have changed today, my gratitude is an indicator of how many spiritual values are in my life today.

On walking in the spiritual recovery I did not understand how unhealthy I was, today I am maturing and growing in so many ways,

Understanding that my reaction to life and other people is my responsibility, it took me over 23 years to grasp an understanding life being unmanageable was due to my emotional triggers.

My unhealthy reaction to life and other people is about life being unmanageable due to my pains my fears my frustrations my loneliness and my boredom.

If I remained feeling like a victim tells me I am not healing my pains in a healthy way, if I am being resentful I am not healing my pains in a healthy way, if I am taking other peoples unhealthy actions and words personally I am not healing my pains in a healthy way.

Understanding panic was due to the high levels of fear I was living in for a large part of my life.

Panic caused me to do or say unhealthy things, panic caused me to doubt myself and every one else, panic was due to the fact I felt like I was out of control in my life.

My sulking was due to my expectations and an indicator that I had not matured and grown up.

My sulking was an indicator that I was not happy with the way things were going.

My sulking was an indicator that I was not accepting the limitations of life or other people and that my expectations were unreasonable about other people and life.

There are not enough hours in the day for me these days.

Having daily lists of things to do helps me stay very focused on today.

Fear caused me to doubt myself and fear caused me to doubt people around me.

As I cross things off my want and need to do list I am building the confidence in myself, as I cross things off my want and need to do list I am improving the pride I have in myself.

Each healthy action I do is saying that I value myself today.

Just for today I will is about me setting my mind to do things that are healthy for me and people around me.

Setting boundaries is about how much I value myself today.

I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.

I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.

My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.

With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.

No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them.

I am able to be far more accountable to myself today.

I understand most aspects of the spiritual recovery program.

My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.

I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.

I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very weak vulnerable unhealthy person.

I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.

I do not want or need to gamble today.

The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.

Fear was a way of me protecting myself

I no longer want to live in fear any more.

I do not fear the gambling establishments today.

I use to say that I wanted to be normal.

Today I want to be healthier than normal.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave Of Beckenham
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#2
Hello dave

Once again I want to thank you for your shares and honesty...Great to hear from you...

Smartie xx
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#3
Great reminder to me there is hope...

#Hope in GA

Smartie xx
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#4
shared by dave...

My name is Dave of Beckenham

You could say that by being in the spirtual recovery program I have been empowered in mny healthy ways.

I understand that my life was emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and obsessions.

Once I started attending meeting I got to know the sad war stories and got frustrated that I needed to learn new skiils.

I decided one day at Blandford to talk a therapy, talking about my fear, talking about my pains, and talking about my frustrations.

I learned that I was not the only person that feared emotional intimacy with other people.

I learned that I was unable to talk to strangers but was not willing or able to expose more of myself.

Over time I could expose more of myslf yet found it hard to open up to my family.

Today I understand that I was emotionally traumatized long before my addcitions and obsessions.

Some people find it hard to listen the times I was a victim.

No matter how many times Shirley tolme it was the lies that hurt our realtionship I still thought resolve from my past would be from having great finances.

I am being tested at this time, it is all the part on my internal growth and also my emotional coping skills.

The gambling obsessions risk taking adrenaline rush were jut the symptoms that I was emotionally vlunerable long before the signs were there for me.

Love and best wishes

Dave of Beckenham
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