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I was a rat in a wheel going faster & faster getting nowhere
#1
My Name is Dave of Beckenham. I Am becoming healthier in a spiritual way. Yet I am not a religious person.

Am I talker or a walker today. Do my actions and words have a healthy impact on other people today.

Am I a hypocrite in any way today.

I was like a rat in the wheel going fatsr and fater getting no where.

Wasting time and money yet kidding myself in to thinking that gambling was exciting and was fun, I even use to think that I loved gambling.

Yet it was only when I was able to see myself in other people could I identfy that I was that rat in the wheel going fatsr and fater getting no where.

I had become a compleete waste of time and space.

At what time did I start to listen and not fear facing myself any more.

The spiritual recovery was not going to stop me gambling, only I could do that.

The spiritual recovery was going to help me help myself do healthy things with my time and money.

My imapteince and intolerance was an indocator that I was being hard imapteint and intolerany on myself

The last fews days have been hard work, yet only in a physical painful way.

I am doing things that I have not done before it is another learning curve for me to learn from.

It was only I admitted to myself how inept and iandequate and insecure tht I use to feel with in myself.

The spiritual recovery was going to give me healthier choices each day to move from obsessions and addictions and take healthier paths each day.

I use to fear the spiritual recovery because I thought it was going to control my life.

The spiritual recovery program was going to give me healthier choices and decisions to make for myself

There were going to be people who would help me make healthier choices on a daily basis.

Over time my fear of emotional intimacy was going to help me blossom as a person with healthy realtionships.

The spiritual recovery was going to help me learn that being honest is not painful any more.

That each time I gambled I had the same value in the rooms of recovery.

Each time a person breaks out and returns to the spiritual recovery program indicates more strength.

I am a very selfish person today, it is important for me to place spirtual recovery is my very fist prioroty.

The spirtual recovery is a healing process for me.

Sadly if I was not wiling or able to be honest to mysef as to how unhealthy I was I could no do any thing about it.

Just for today I will not gamble is a healthy boundary I set for myself, that was going to be a healthy conscious decison on my part.

I am being tested both physically and emotonally, and it is some times hard to get all things in order even today

Yet no matter what happens I am determined to remain focused and not let fears cause me to go in to panic mode.

Step one for me was about understanding my emotional triggers.

My unhealed pains use to cause me to be angry.

My fears use to cause me to be angry.

My frustrations use to cause me to be angry.

My loneliness use to cause me to feel very vulnerable.

Me not having a healthy full life caused me to feel bored and unchanged.

Gratitude was some thing that was missing from my life at one time.

For me today as I became healthier my values changed.

All the time I was focused on status money and material items.

Today my relationships with people are what is important to me.

Over time I recognized that I felt isolated and lonely and then recognized my fears and also my fear of intimacy with people.

I certainly lived a large period of my life unable to heal and nurture my pains.

Every traumatic unresolved painful periods of my life left me with unrecognizable fears in my adult hood.

One of the most inhibiting fears was that of rejection and abandonment.

I am able to live a healthy life today and my values change as I mature.

Some people think that you have to be religious to be a spiritual person, That is not so.

Our conscience is very much spiritual based.

When we hurt other people in any way we hurt our self.

Yesterday we were very productive as a team. I am more useful these days.

There was a time when I wished my life away, I was afraid of living and afraid of dying.

I use to think and feel that I loved gambling, the llusion of love was because it gave me excitement and such an adreline rush.

Today I am stable and realxed and not living on the edge of my nerves.

Usually I caused myself a lot of pain due to my unreasonable expectations of life and of other people.

When people were angry or upset I took their issues on board.

My resentments and being over sensitive told me that I was not able to or not able to heal my pains.

What do we class as being successful, money material thing, or is it bout being more spirtaul and content with who we are where we are an knowing we do teh very best we can do in any thing we try our hand at.

In the old days the only time I felt successful was when I got easy money or some thing for nothing.

Once in my journey of recovery there was more success and less failure.

In fact my theory is that every thing in our life is a test of our steel.

How we deal with lifes tests is a meassure of our recovery.

Shirley & I are both working hard to get things done in our time.

I did not have a clue how important the spiritual recovery program was going to have on me.

I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, not able to see any thing clearly.

My questions were due to my insecurity I had learned to live my life on the edge of my nerves.

With each lie came more fear, in time I was able to get honest with myself.

No matter when a person had their last bet, I am an equal to them.

I am able to be more accountable to myself today.

I understand most aspects of the recovery program.

My motives for doing things are not resentful, I do things willingly.

I am not torn a part with rage and anger, I am content with myself today.

I was not stupid bad or evil, I was just a very weak vulnerable unhealthy person.

I am doing well and trying to have full healthy productive days yet while respecting my physical limits.

I do not want or need to gamble today.

The obsessions and addictions were an indicator that I had poor resolve in how I felt with in myself.

Fear was a way of me protecting myself

I no longer want to live in fear any more.

I do not fear the gambling establishments today.

I use to say that I wanted to be normal.

Today I want to be healthier than normal.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave Of Beckenham
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#2
Sadly few understand how bad this addiction can get. Many think they might have reached rock bottom and if they have I am so happy for them...but for me as an addict I accept this addiction could always get worse but recovery is working for me today and its a good day because of that...

Thanks for sharing...In unity smartie xx
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#3
Hi John

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptom that I could not cope emotional with life and people in certain situations.

It is important for me to understand when I feel emotionally vulnerable and when fear causes me to escape in any form or way.

Each of us often question if we are evil bad dumb or just stupid, that is not the case for me.

There were several ways I use to want to escape often people will abstain or stop one addiction or obsession and simply deviate and escape in other ways.

Feeling emotionally vulnerable can feel like we are weak in some ways or inept.

Yet once we commit our self to more time and energy in to working the steps things start to change.

The wording we are selfish is not true how can self destruction be being selfish.

It is very important to become very selfish about putting time with like minded people who are working they 12 step recovery program.

Each time I gambled was a lesson if I was willing to learn from that vulnerable time.

Regards Dave
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