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How could I possibly think that gambling controlled me
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!

The most puzzling question why did I feel that the gambling controlled me, from my recovery today the only thing I can say that will make things clearer is that gambling was a form of escape from life people and how I felt within myself.

Is gambling fear based, yes very much so, yet the very first feeling were excitement and anticipation, then the fear grew in me as the gambling risk got higher and higher.

Yet I was a risk taker long before my first bet, yet now understand that people once they abstain from one form of addiction or obsession will escape in other ways.

The addictions and obsessions were an indicator for me that I had deep seated emotional issues, in time I would recognize each of my emotional triggers, pains fear frustrations loneliness sand boredom.

Often I would say to myself oh who cares any way, in that instant I was saying to myself I do not care about myself or the consequences of my unhealthy actions.

My unhealthy rage was an indicator and very evident of pains of my past were not resolved or healed.

I am having some medical test recently and will deal with in time in turn and will take and listen to good advice of people I put my trust and faith in today.

By being in recovery I am able to learn and do things for myself, I view it as being self sufficient, people often ask to help me do strenuous tasks but I often feel I want to get things done at my own pace.

As meetings grow in strength the honesty grows, and over time relationships flourish and people get to know each other more and more.

One issue is often reading body language incorrectly, often when I heard sighs at me being honest about that bet that day I took those sighs as being disappointment and that I felt those people down.

That was not so, their sighs were them feeling my pains and understanding how I had hurt myself, I had not let those people down by having my last bet I let myself down and hurt myself.

Did people feel emotionally vulnerable each time I broke out gambling, yes for sure but once you gain strength and confidence in your self you understand your recovery is helped by other people yet once they have a slip does not affect my recovery.

The good thing I am able to feel their pains, yet not take them on board as my failing or my responsibility.

Spiritual growth was very slow for me and was very much baby steps, and not listening to healthy advice was due to my own inadequacy insecurity and control issues.

Today I have not gambled, yet what is important do I have any resentments today, was I angry today, was I nurturing and encouraging towards other people today, did I in any way try to avoid responsibility for my actions or words.

Did I treat myself and other people with respect today, was I patient and tolerant with myself and other people today, did I take up a new challenge today, did I do anything reluctantly today, did I drive safely and within legal speed limits today.

I needed a metal plate and found it difficult to find a place that sold a thickness gauge size and gauge of steel that I needed, by asking for help I was directed to a place that was well hidden away.

I asked and after a few moments a person found the steel that suited me, I was only too willing to pay for it yet my money was refused, that for me was very powerful.

Some years ago I had a craftsman do some work for us, on the second day of him working for us I asked him if he was a 12 stepper, his jaw dropped and he was both embarressed and puzzled by my question.

He asked me if someone had put a card on his back as a joke, I told him that he by far more healthier, more respectful and more caring than normal people.

He laughed and said his partner would not believe me picking him out as a 12 stepper.

By being dedicated in my recovery program I am feeling the best I have felt in all of my life even before starting in my recovery, I am at peace with myself, I am at peace with who I am, I am at peace with where I am today, and I am at peace with what I have today.

Everyone has an idea as what they think success is all about, there was a time I thought that success was all down to money and material things in my life, I even thought that things would make me happy.

Today I rate my success in my life as being my relationship with myself and other people, that I am able to give of myself unconditionally in whatever I do.

There was a time I would seek approval from other people, why was that so, why was I not able to give approval and tell myself I did a good job, why was it that I was also picking faults with whatever I did.

Why was I so hard on myself and so hard other people, at what point in my recovery would that change.

Who is to say what is healthy or unhealthy by our actions or by our words today.

That choice is up to me because I am the one that will live with the guilt and shame of what I have said or done and the unhealthy consequences of my actions and unhealthy words, in understanding healthy today I do not want to go against spiritual values or go against my own conscience.

In the old days I would justify my unhealthy actions and justify transferring my pains fears and frustrations on to other people in the thinking I as caused pain so therefore I was willing to hurt other people the way I was hurting.

I use to say it was justice I wanted but in fact it was vengeance I was performing and today that kind of conduct is not acceptable.

In the old family ways they used painful punishments towards other people in thinking they would program them in to doing something they wanted them to do.

Guilt tripping was also one of those unhealthy habits, bringing up to past unhealthy actions so that you can get some to do something you want them to do.

Guilt tripping is very counterproductive and for me is not a healthy thing to do.

Bullying does not work either and often bullies are people who will transfer their pains fears and frustrations on to other people and sadly those kind of actions are not very healthy either.

Step two and step twelve are very much linked to each other, by us demonstrating spiritual values and people are a witness to our new healthy habits we help people see recovery work by demonstrating new healthy spiritual actions.

So what is required for a new member on entering the spiritual recovery program well I was filled with fear and self doubt, putting the spot light on me was not a healthy action.

I had lots of fears that I could not admit to myself, yet to overcome fear and learn to trust I needed to feel comfortable and less afraid, and for people to be honest with me yet not be hurtful.

I use to think the worst I could lose was all of money, then in recovery I learned to most costly bet I could lose was the love of my family, yet how could I overcome the idea that money was the most important thing to me.

Money gives you choices yet money on its own will not give you happiness or make you content within myself.

So in spiritual recovery program I learned I could be more open and honest at the beginning it was all about the money and the gambling, then I learned that the addiction and obsessions were just the symptoms of my emotional vulnerability and my emotional triggers.

How was I going to learn healthier emotional coping skills the spiritual recovery program would help me face myself in different ways and over time be more honest about how I feel within myself.

I would improve how much I values myself and I would become all selfish about becoming more spiritual and more healthy within myself.

Just because I had abstained from my addiction did not mean the emotional rollercoaster rides would stop over night.

Then I started to understand my emotional vulnerabilities were pains fears and frustrations loneliness and boredom and each time I went back to gambling I would ask myself which feelings were making me feel vulnerable.

More so how can I learn from my past and not feel so vulnerable again.

The spiritual recovery program and speaking to sponsors would help me heal and nurture my pains.

The spiritual recovery program and speaking to sponsors would help me face all of my fears.

The spiritual recovery program and speaking to sponsors would help me understand that my frustrations were due to my unreasonsable expectations of other people and life.

The spiritual recovery program and speaking to sponsors would help me spiritually interconnect with other healthy people and overcome my loneliness.

The spiritual recovery program and speaking to sponsors would help me become very productive with my time also become better balanced with my time and leave not time to be bored.

Understanding our emotional triggers was overcoming our life being unmanageable emotionally and being enlightened to our own unhealthy child hood programming.

Now I understand that my life was emotionally unmanageable for the first 10% of my life I suffered emotional and physical abuse.

I understand that my life was emotionally unmanageable for the next 10% period of my life I suffered sexual emotional and physical abuse.

I now understand that I was born free of all fears as a new born child and had some very healthy spiritual values.

The consequence of pain is fear and lack of trust so that every fear I had from the age of 20 years of age caused fears to inhibit me from living my life to the full.

So it was the simple thing to do talk about the money and the addictions, it took time to dig deeper and talk from the heart.

I am sure that there will be people in recovery who think they will never heal their inner child and may never be able to cry or express their feeling both male and females people.

I spent most of my life feeling like a victim of unhealthy people, Today I am not willing to live in my silence I need and want to speak up for myself in every healthy way possible.

The spiritual recovery works when we work spiritual values in to our life.

In the old days I use to say “I have to” that was obsessive thinking and talking.

Today I need to understand what are my wants and needs financially physically emotionally spiritually and sexually.

I now understand that sex is not love, I now understand that being humble is not being weak in fact the exact opposite is true.

Being humble is not allowing unhealthy people to have an adverse effect on us.

I now understand that being honest is very healthy and that I can be honest without hurting or offending people.

Yet I needed to be honest with myself first of all.

To be honest with myself I needed to recognize my fears and face my fears.

The list of fears is quite long and it took me a large part of my life to overcome those fears.

I spent most of my early life nervous anxious stressed out resentful and did not understand why. I was very nervous of the opposite sex and did not understand why.

I had low self esteem and a low self sense of self worth long before my addictions and obsessions I might even say I felt that I felt the way I felt was mainly due to outside extremes.

It took me many years to understand that I really feared aggression and confrontation and that was very much tied up to the anger that existed between my parents.

Yet one would question understanding how painful it was living with such aggression and confrontation I then turned out to be that very same kind of person.

How could it be that I feared aggression and confrontation yet was the main cause of aggression and confrontation with in my own family.

I started to understand that my aggression and confrontation was about trying to push my will and beliefs on to other people, I use to feel clever in myself by regulating other people.

Yet now understand it was all a cover up to hide the fact I felt so over sensitive vulnerable immature inadequate inept not only as a person and as an adult but felt very vulnerable as a man.

For me to understand strength I needed to understand healthy spiritual interactions which was lacking in people around me in my child hood, often I would see but not understand that people were false to them self not only by their words but by their actions.

I now understand that there were spiritual people in my life for a reason, some I would understand till much later in my life, yet some people might see and feel that spiritual people are weak people.

How wrong can they be, humble and spiritual people are healthy strong people who do not have an adverse effect on other people and are often people who encourage and nurture the best out of other people.

Most people in my life were unhealthy and had an unhealthy influence on me yet the spiritual people helped me understand that there were good healthy people in the world yet they were few and far apart.

It was in recovery that by peeling back the onion I recalled that as a teen ager I wanted to end my life and took things that I was told would kill me, I took those items and went to bed without telling anyone and was willing to exit the world and end my pains.

At that time of my life pain was so great I wanted my life to end, how sad is that.

How could I lose sight of what was healthy and unhealthy in my life.

I was sure an adrenaline junkie from an early age thinking and feeling that risk taking made me feel alive with in myself, often wishing my life away and not feeling I was accomplishing much with my life.

Because of low self worth and lack of confidence I had secretly become a person pleaser and use to worry about what people thought about me and use to think that the way other people felt was my responsibility.

Today I understand that by being a more spiritual person I am no longer responsible for how people feel about me, that if they love me or hate me it is not my responsibility and is their problem not mine.

Do I dress because of what people think of me today.

Or do I dress because I am pleasing myself.

Do I have balance in my life today.

Am I able to be honest with other people without offending or hurting other people.

Am I learning to be more nurturing and encouraging towards people who are trying to heal them self in their recovery.

By my actions and words am I helping other people understand that abstaining on its own is not recovery, that there is no longer reason to change towards healthy spiritual lives.

Am I as confused lost and inadequate and insecure as the day I walked in to the rooms of spiritual recovery, by me exposing more of myself does that prove that my past experiences no longer hold me back from living my life to the full today.

For me now my gambling life was a complete waste of time and effort and during those times I use to cheat myself of so much more so being able to interact with people in a healthy way.

Healthy relationships are based up on our honesty, and because during my addiction days deep down I knew what I was doing and saying was unhealthy towards other and unhealthy towards my own well being.

Once I saw myself as the rat in the wheel going faster and faster getting nowhere fast wasting so much time and by being obsessed I was avoiding healthy spiritual interactions with my family and friends.

It is very obvious to me today that in those old days I was a very unhealthy person, yet it took time to overcome my fear of change and make great effort in to changing unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

It is so exciting doing plans for future events, by not being unhealthy I am able to achieve so much with my life and I will be able to mix in depth with so many people family and friends.

By being spiritually healthy I have so many choices in my life now.

One of the symptoms of being unhealthy is escaping responsibility and blaming others, this was a very unhealthy habit and sadly people think because I talk about my child hood I am blaming others.

No it is a fact that children who suffer extreme emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse are adversely affected in adult hood.

It is the choice of each person to face our hurt inner child cry heal and move on with our life.

Burying and suppressing pains of or past made me feel very over sensitive and use to get angry very quickly and react in a very unhealthy way to my expectations of other people and the world.

The spiritual recovery program was going to help me cope with life people and events in a much healthier way and to become more mature.

Do I have strength of character today, am I able to speak out for myself, am I able to take what I want and need today and leave the unhealthy stuff behind me.

As I grow in the spiritual recovery program I am aware of so much stuff, those things were there all the time I was in action yet today I am able to appreciate all the very simple things in life because I value things and people more today.

Money lost is gone and nothing I do or say will change that, yet the money lost did not hurt the people I love it was the lies that hurt the ones I loved, or so I thought I loved them.

I use to think and feel that I loved the gambling that was not true, it was just another obsession where I would deviate from facing myself and my deepest feelings and my vulnerabilities.

I now understand that I was not evil dumb stupid or a bad person, I was a very unhealthy person who had not been able to heal my pains or face my fears or understand most pains I felt were due to my unreasonable expectations of other people or from life.

I am ambitious about my future I do not fear my future any more, the more I fulfill my wants and needs the healthier I become, I am able to do for myself those things parents were not able to do for me in my early years.

I do not conflict with other peoples beliefs yet feel saddened when people imply that the only path to recovery and healthy spiritual living in through religion, religions are spiritual value based, yet spiritual growth comes from healthy interaction with all people.

That is not true. Any non religious person can find spiritual recovery by healthy living and through spiritual guidance.

Often people have lost so much faith and hope in themselves they think they are not able to do it on their own, by staring with a sponsor at some depth we do know what we need to do but lack confidence.

Having a sponsor often confirms to us what we do need to do for our self to get healthy, by sharing spiritual guidance and opening up we understand more about spiritual values and how they impact our everyday life.

Feeling a part of life makes me feel in contact with all people, that abandoned child is not longer alone and is able to live life today with our fear holding me back.

The wording in red book step three “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.

Love and peace to everyone

thanks Dave....I enjoyed that...

Smartie xx

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