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I felt so lost confused that I wanted my pain to stop
#1
My name is Dave of Beckenham.

I am a compulsive Gambler!

On entering the spiritual recovery program all of my questions were fear based, just a simple indicator of how nervous inadequate insecure and inept I felt within myself, my questions today are based up on my wanting and needing to understand every aspect of the spiritual recovery, (non religious for me), and how I can use it to improve myself my life and my relationships today.

How did recovery help me make changes in my life today, in a comparison way, how can people relate to the changes in how I feel today in comparison.

I use to go in to fear based panic mode very quickly before the beginning of my recovery, now there is calmness and clarity in my life today. I was trying to juggle to many fear based balls in my head all of the time.

I use to fear being honest and could explain my deepest fears of being honest, in being in the recovery for so long being honest and accountable is so easy for me today.

I understand my previous unhealthy reactions to life and people today, today I tend to interact rather than react in an unhealthy way to people and life.

Rage and anger were an everyday occurrence for me both expressively and also suppressive in those very unhealthy days.

My sulking was a very good indicator that I had not matured in a healthy way, and I was still reacting to my pains of my child hood.

Rain stopped play in the yard over the last few days, it was meant to be, yet I have been busy doing other things with my time.

Before my recovery I did work well during my work hours, yet sadly was not very productive in my family life and with having healthy relationships with other people.

My fear of emotional intimacy showed up in so many ways yet it would take time for me to recognize those fears and resolve them.

Am I nurturing and encouraging today, do I use any unhealthy mind games to get my own way, do I use guilt trips to control other people today, do I blame other people for my failings today.

Do I blame other people for how I feel today, do I blame other people for my path in my life today.

How accountable am I to myself today, how much inventory do I take of myself each day.

Meetings and other people and serenity prayer helped me reduce my frustrations and our expectations, the thing is that frustration were due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people, and for me those frustration started from an early age.

I was shipped off to several unhealthy abusive boarding schools from a very early, the same thing that was done to my mother by her mother.

In those days school years many adults and parents use to transfer their pains fear and frustrations on to vulnerable children, they use to bully and humiliate children in a very unhealthy cruel way.

The consequences of being sent away from home is that you feel you are not needed wanted and loved and I did not understand that lack of nurturing lack of love had nothing to do about me, my parents were unable to love care respect or protect me because they could not love care or respect themselves.

In time I learned that my anger was a consequence of several pains and the cause of my resentments and vengeance I was not able to heal my pains in a healthy way from my past .

My anger guilt shame and resentments were a good indicator that I could not heal my pains in a healthy way.

Some people think that burying and suppressing pains of our past is healing and nurturing pains of our past, and for me that is not true.

People are unable to forgive unless they are healing and nurturing pains of our past.

The gambling the drinking alcohol obsessions hoarding were and are all deep seated emotional issues which I needed to get resolved.

For some people needed to hand over all of their finances to another person, or even talk and open up to a healthy sponsor, the reason this is done because often compulsive gamblers cannot trust them self or trust other people.

The more healthy meetings you attend, you have less fears, and you feel more comfortable and our trust grows in time.

The question that compulsive gamblers cannot often answer is how much money do you need to have to fulfill your daily needs, sadly often a mature adult cannot answer that simple question.

For me it was about 10 - 15 $ per day as I handed over my finances I felt like I was being treated like a little child.

Money was the fuel for my addictions, once I handed over all of my money made it easier for me, it was a temporary thing, yet very wise thing to do.

Did I associate money as a control thing, yes I did and I felt very vulnerable handed all fincances and monies over to another person.

I do not want or need to gamble today, yes I would like to be reach a point and not worry about money any more, that is not going to happen.

Money fulfills our basic needs, more money gives us more choices yet money on its own would not resolve any relationships or emotional issues in my life.

Am I adversely affected by another person who lacks faith and hope of the spiritual recovery program, no some people are, not for me though.

Am I adversely affected by another person who is unhealthy, not as much as I use to be, in accepting serenity I understand that my recovery is such that my actions or words would make another person truly accept the spiritual recovery program.

At my age gambling establishments, materials things, and money are not that important to me.

Each time I gambled I said and did some horrific things and said some very cruel emotional things cutting of other people I did not have a choice before the spiritual recovery program.

I was so mixed up in my mind and in my emotions I did not know what was up and what was down.

When you are in such a severe emotional vulnerable state of mind you are not able to trust yourself or trust other people.

In fear and panic mode logic and clarity go out of the window, no matter how much sense you hear it goes in one ear and out of the other.

The spiritual recovery program takes time to understand. For me it was a change and reversal of my belief system, the spiritual recovery program takes time to absorb and grasp.

Things that were said and done in my recovery seems very nuts to me at first.

In sharing my experiences I often find that I go far too far and people do not grasp what I say until much later on, one person said that once in the beginning of their recovery when I talked about it, that they were on addictions and I was talking about complicated calculus.

I Left school with no qualifications what so ever, yet once in my recovery I picked up and learned electronics and finished up being a service engineer for many companies.

Yet understanding myself and how difficult I found everything about my life if I was able to abstain and then embrace healthy spiritual recovery and I am an equal to all people if I can do it, any one else could.

You will notice that I rarely talk about which kind of addiction I took up, once you cross the line and want a healthy life you are removing yourself from talking about money and unhealthy actions and become focused on healthy maturity accountable points about today and fulfilling our new wants needs and goals.

I learned I needed to give up gambling, I then learned I needed to give up smoking, I learned I needed to give up all forms of self abuse and not to undermine myself, I learned I needed to give up calling myself stupid bad wrong evil dumb and learn to nurture and encourage myself in to healthy talk about myself.

For me to become more respectful patient tolerant kind caring and loving towards myself.

I am willing to be selfish in every avenue of my recovery.

So many people fear doing step four, yet doing step four is not as scary as people think, it is not about beating our self up about being bad or evil, it is how ever about us understanding our healthy and unhealthy habits and then exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

It takes time for people to change, and it is a slow process in which slow baby steps help us greatly.

For me once I grasped the spiritual recovery program I understand once you are growing spiritually there is no such thing as failure, there is just a slow new learning curve.

It is better to try doing things and get half done to my satisfaction rather than to not try at all.

Every time I gambled I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.

Every time I gambled I was going in to an unhealthy decline.

Every time I gambled I had no choice but to lie and with each lie comes greater growing deeper fears.

Every time I gambled I was thinking that money would resolve all my issues and that was not true.

By me gambling just made things much worse for myself and worse for people around me.

Every time I lied had no choice but to live in far growing deeper fear, I did not know that being honest and accountable was healthy and is not painful at all, once I entered the spiritual recovery program.

Every time I broke out gambling in the spiritual recovery was a lesson if I was willing to learn from it.

In time recovery was far beyond not gambling, I gave up smoking I gave up getting drunk I gave up abusing myself in an unhealthy way emotionally or physically.

Some of things which seem to be unhealthy for me on arriving in to the spiritual recovery program.

Feeling guilty for someone doing me an act of kindness for me, me feeling guilty for someone caring or showing their love towards me, when someone gave me a compliment I would not accept it, I would not accept someone gives me healthy approval and for silly reasons me feeling guilty about everything.

At what early point in my life did I start feeling we did not deserve to be treated in a healthy way.

At what point in our life did we start feeling we need to be an adrenaline junkie and me take unhealthy unnecessary risks with our self and our lives, stealing lying or doing naughty things, at what time did we start doing the opposite of what people told or asked us to do.

I never want to make another person cry due to my unhealthy actions or words, I never want to make another person fear me, I would like to think that every person around me can be completely honest with me today and every day in my future.

Am I able to have a two way conversation with all people in my life today.

Why did it take me over 23 years to understand step one, it is not rocket science is it.

I now understand that I am feeling proud of my healthy actions and I am feeling proud of my healthy words towards myself and other people.

There is no justification for me causing another person pain today, I am learning to be more nurturing towards other people and their recovery.

It was essential for me to question my beliefs systems on walking in the spiritual recovery program and over time change those beliefs systems in to healthier beliefs.

Every lie I told was a betrayal of my relationship with myself and with other people, every lie I told was a betrayal of peoples trust of me.

Sadly because I was so unhealthy before entering the spiritual recovery program I really did not have a choice, yet I would never say that to any of my victims.

For me to be truly accountable I was not in any way to justify my unhealthy words towards other people, I was not in any way to justify my unhealthy actions towards other people.

For me to become healthy and for me to mature up I was asked to take full responsibility of my unhealthy adverse effects on other people.

The first time we apologize we do it because we feel we have to, not a healthy way to do so obsessively it implies saying I have to that it is reluctantly.

The next time I apologized I do it because I felt I wanted to do it, and in doing so it showed that I cared I was fully accountable to myself and it was a healthy way to apologize and build bridges over damaged relationships.

I understand today that any kind of my justification as being unhealthy, justification is avoiding being fully accountable and is avoiding being mature about an unhealthy situation.

Nothing I say or do will change another person until they want to admit to them self that they are not healthy and that they are not happy feeling the way they feel doing unhealthy actions.

The reason I went against my own conscience and against my own spiritual values was very much fear based, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, both fears due to unhealthy child hood experiences.

In the rooms of spiritual recovery we learn to understand our fears and face them, just because we face those fears does not mean we have healed the pains of our past that caused those fears.

Understanding that every fear in my life was a consequence of pains in my life, in time I would learn that my lack of emotional intimacy was due to cruelty of others towards me from a very early age.

Sadly in life once people see a vulnerable person, unhealthy people will take advantage of those poor vulnerable person transferring their pains fears and frustrations on to those people.

That kind of person who bullies a vulnerable person is a weak cowardly inept inadequate insecure person, they are are not willing to face them self or their unhealthy past experiences.

Every unhealthy perpetrator has been a victim at some time in their life, and for me today I have empathy for unhealthy perpetrators today.

Any one or ay thing that tells you that by being a healthy spiritual person that pride is unhealthy thing is misleading and misdirecting you, pride comes from healthy interactions with other people.

Pride is the opposite of guilt shame, guilt and shame come from our own healthy conscience, once we relearn spiritual values and we heal we are able to feel proud of our self once more.

Pride in our self makes us feel content with our healthy actions and our healthy words towards our self and towards other people.

To go to bed at night knowing that in being accountable to our self and being spiritual we have had the best relationship we can have with our self and with other people today.

When we look back on our lives which holiday was the best holiday ever, was it the buildings, was it the distance we travelled, or was it the healthy spiritual interactions we had with people on our holiday.

A healthy spiritual interactions holiday is when we can be our self all the time, the memories of that healthy spiritual interactions holiday could become an every day event in or life today.

How important is it to show our gratitude and appreciation towards other people, because it demonstrates our own healthy spiritual values and that we value our self.

How important is it to ask questions because it stops us being ignorant.

How important is it to ask for help, because we want to learn to help our self.

How important is it to ask questions about everything, because we want to understand fully how everything works and become wise in our self.

How important is it to be selfish in sorting out our own life and becoming spiritually healthy and help our self, only then can we help someone else.

Every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences.

By me becoming spiritually healthy, every healthy action of mine today has healthy consequences.

I understand that today for me gambling has unhealthy consequences.

How much time and effort am I worth today.

Do I attend meeting because I fear gambling.

I attend meetings because in knowing myself I can become a much healthier person.

Do I fear gambling establishments. No I am emotionally detached from gambling I do not fear it, I no longer think I love it.

Gambling establishments are supposed to be for entertainment, for me gambling would cause a decline in my spiritual values.

For me gambling establishments are non beneficial to a healthy society, they tend to lead people in to thinking that getting some for nothing is the right thing to do.

Getting some for nothing is an unhealthy way of thinking we cheat our self and do not value our self.

The rewards of our healthy productive work and actions is pride in our self, and our healthy work we have done every day.

If we are healthy we are proud of our work knowing we have done the very best possible for our satisfaction at that moment in time.

At 68 years of age am I maturing today, am I healthier today,

Grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change.
Courage to change those things I can.

And the wisdom to know the difference.

It is very helpful understanding the serenity of recovery, it helps me understand that the only person I can change is me, that the thing I can change is me.

The serenity prayer for me to understand that I can change my path in life.
The serenity prayer helped me understand that I am responsible for my unhealthy reaction in anger.

The serenity prayer helps me understand that my recovery and spiritual growth is fully my responsibility working with other like minded people.

The serenity prayer helps me understand that my change to healthy habits and healthy consequences is fully my responsibility.

Yet I could not do it on my own, that is and was a simple fact.

The serenity prayer helps me understand that my new found healthy actions and new found healthy words, have healthy consequences.

Changing towards healthy actions and healthy words are my responsibility so that I can empower myself in to being proud of my new found healthy spiritual interactions.

The gambling and drink and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was unhealthy long before my addictions and obsessions.

It is important for my recovery understanding step one completely acceptance surrender and understanding my life was emotionally unmanageable long before my addictions and obsessions.

My emotional triggers were my pains my fears my frustrations my loneliness and my boredom.

After having my last bet I needed to understand which emotional trigger caused and led me to gamble once more. It could have been just one emotional trigger or several emotional triggers.

The hardest emotional triggers to understand were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of other people and life.

Today I have no expectations of other people, today however I have healthier and higher expectations of myself, courage to change the things I can. Wow that is me. How simpler can it get.

By not having expectations of other people by doing things unconditionally I am free of my unhealthy frustrations and the pain I caused myself.

I use to blame everyone else for my stress and my anger, today understand I am responsible for my anger, I am responsible for my happiness, I am responsible for my unhealthy reaction to people and life.

I am responsible for my stress which is fear based.

Controlling people are fear based creatures, yet is it possible to face those fears and accept serenity, is control and strength the same thing, is our courage based up on us doing spiritual actions and saying spiritual words.

By me trying to control people means I am not accepting or understanding the power of my own serenity.

Do you need to practice small baby steps to reach a point where you will face procrastination as being unhealthy, you are no longer happy reacting in an unhealthy way of any sort or reacting to fear to everyone and everything.

Am I productive in my actions, do I fill my needs today, is cleaning the home about cleaning the home, no it is about me being proud about myself and caring about myself.

Is eating properly about food, no it is about me caring about myself.

Is giving up smoking about the smoking, no it is about me being more caring and respectful about myself.

Is giving up drinking too much alcohol about the alcohol, no it is about me being more caring and respectful about myself.

Is giving up gambling about the gambling, no it is about me being more caring and respectful about myself.

I no longer want to hurt myself or hurt other people today.

By attending spiritual recovery meetings I am learning how to cope with the tests of life and the tests of people around me.

Gambling was an addiction and places where I use to go to escape how I use to feel within myself, in the gambling establishments I could pretend that I had no emotional problems in my life, in the gambling establishments I did not care about myself or other people.

My life became unmanageable when I was abused in my child hood before I was even seven years of age.

From an early age I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, which had a very serious impact on my growing up to being a healthy emotional person.

In the recovery I was going to set up boundaries for myself, to say to myself just for today I will not gamble, it has nothing to do about gambling or money.

When I went to gamble establishments I was giving up all faith and hope in myself, when I went to gamble establishments I was saying that I did not deserve a nice holiday nice cloths healthy eating.

Yet gambling was not the only form of abuse I caused myself, smoking was a statement that said I did not care about my health, getting drunk which affected my brain was a statement that said I did not care about my health, speeding recklessly was a statement that said I did not care about my health or my well being.

In time I gave up abusing myself in every form and started to slow down my life style, driving with consideration and respect of other people indicated that I was considerate and respectful of myself.

When I am being intolerant and impatient with other people and life was an indicator I was being intolerant and impatient with myself.

I now got in to the habit of arriving early for appointments, arriving early for meetings, arriving early at airports, even having bags packed day before we were leaving on flights because I was more relaxed.

I now understand that other people did not stress me out, the truth was I stressed myself out, I also understand that stress is fear based.

For me nervous talking is nervousness and is fear based, anxiety is fear based, procrastination is fear based, depression is fear based, yet how long to face and deal with my fears.

I have found out recently that my oxygen levels have dropped from 97% to being as low as 82% in the UK and about 90% in Canada which is not healthy at all.

People in the rooms use to make me feel very uncomfortable at early stages of my recovery, I use to get very frustrated with people who could not or would not let go of their past and talk about them self today.

Every time a person processes a situation in a healthy way I learn from their experiences.

It is very important to ask for help, it is very important to ask someone to sponsor you, it is very important to ask questions about every stage of our recovery and to understand why we do steps in certain sequence.

It is very important to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, as we do we are able to listen to our own conscience and follow spiritual values and behave in a much healthier spiritual way.

Our conscience tells us deep down we are good people, yet why do we go against our own conscience and go against spiritual values, fear is the reason we would do and say such unhealthy things.

A beaten dog does not have a choice but to react in fear and shake with fear, we have learned to hide and not admit our fears, in time once we open up more we live in less fear and become comfortable being our true self.

The spiritual program does not tell us you have to, the spiritual program really means to say to people it is highly recommended for your own benefit that you do or do not do certain things, that for your own benefit that you do the recovery program in certain sequences.

Our spiritual actions and words demonstrate what recovery is all about, our fearless spiritual actions and words demonstrate what recovery is all about, our honesty demonstrate what recovery is all about, our feelings comfortable in our self demonstrate what recovery is all about.

Only once I understood my unhealthy reaction in anger is not healthy for me I could do something about it, anger is an unhealthy reaction to my pains I am unable to heal and nurture.

Anger can also be an unhealthy reaction to my fears I am unable to or not willing to face.

Anger can also be an unhealthy reaction to my unhealthy frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people, that my unreasonable expectations of life and people caused me pains from a very early age.

Any form of addiction obsessive behavior escape or deviating my feelings and life is an unhealthy action for me.

Yet at one time I use to think that abstaining on its own was recovery, that abstaining on its own would make me happy, that once I paid back all of my debts would make me happy, once I paid back all of my debts I would no longer feel or guilty or ashamed about myself.

Yes it was hard to admit to myself and other how much money I had lost even hard to admit how many lies I told and even harder to admit to the fact how many times I made my family cry and hide from me.

Then the point comes where you move on from war stories and talking about money and start to talk about the confusion in my head, where does recovery truly start, when do you start to understand yourself and the way you react to life and other people.

I was emotionally traumatized on walking in to recovery, due to pain caused to me by others and pains I caused myself I had no choice but to live in so many unidentified fears.

When it came to making amends I did it first time because I needed to and was very scared, then I made amends again because I wanted to and because I wanted to repair the damage I had caused other people and myself.

It is very important to take full responsibility for our unhealthy actions and for our unhealthy words, no justifications, no excuses because if we do not take full responsibility we are cheating our self.

I understand in the old days I really did not have a choice but to turn towards one form of addiction or obsession, you cannot go through so much emotional abuse physical abuse and sexual abuse with it affecting our self and our spiritual values.

For me any form of addiction or obsession causes a decline in my spiritual interactions with other people, any form of addiction or obsession was an indicator that there was still some pains and fears lingering within me.

I think that when we are born we have certain spiritual values and are certainly innocent in so many ways, we are completely fearless, we are able to be completely honest, we are able to give of our self unconditionally, we are to be unconditionally trusting of every one, and then we grow up those spiritual values decline.

For me many kinds of pain causes many different kinds of fears in us, how important is it for us to face those fears, how important is it for us to heal and nurture our pains, surely recovery is about is all about healing.

Sadly people can go through their whole life living in fear of family and parents is that in any way healthy.

Dysfunctional people escape responsibility, dysfunctional people do not like recovery because it ask us to be accountable to our self, dysfunctional people will often use guilt to control other people, dysfunctional people are unhealthy people who are not willing or are not ready to get spiritually healthy.

Today am I going to allow unhealthy people adversely affect my recovery and growth.

Love and peace to everyone

Dave of Beckenham
aka Dave L
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#2
Just to say thanks Dave...

Thankyou <!-- s8-) --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_cool.gif" alt="8-)" title="Cool" /><!-- s8-) -->
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