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Facing step four reduces our fears and helps heal our pains. - Printable Version

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Facing step four reduces our fears and helps heal our pains. - gadaveuk - 23-09-2021

Hi 
My understanding of step four now is that we learn to look at our self and it is not to beat ourselves up or others, it is not to guilt trip our self or others, it is understanding our past experiences and understanding what is unhealthy and what is healthy.
The reason for me why I feared being honest, is as a child when I was asked to be honest, I was punished for it and caused many types of pains.
I was punished by physical ways, I was punished in emotional ways, I was punished by being humiliated shamed and put down.
Being in the rooms of recovery is about finding a path to healthier ways and to heal our hurt inner child.
Often people find that by doing step four you think you have done everything then later on further pains of the past come out.
Why should we do step four in a healthy way, to not fear being accountable to our self, the first seven steps we have no dealings with other people, us being accountable to our self is to be honest with our self, to identify what is healthy and what is unhealthy, to make decisions to move from unhealthy habits into healthy spiritual habits.
I am a non-religious person, yet I understand that in the past I would justify to myself saying or doing unhealthy things because of my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
So, I understand today that my conscience is spiritual based values, when I justify saying or doing unhealthy things, I am hurting myself and I am hurting other people.
So, as we go back as we write things down from our past, we reduce the fear we live in, as we do so more deep seated unhealthy things come out and we start to peel back the onion and let the pains of our past come out and the main thing is the more pains that come out the more we are able to heal the pains and our fears reduce.
I understand that every painful trauma that I experienced has consequences fears, fears also come about to the guilt pains we put our self through, by doing step four we start to understand our unhealthy reactions to our pains fears and frustrations cause us to hide in our fears and suppress our pains.
A lot of people will react in unhealthy ways when they have lost their money and caused them self-more pains, they will blame the gambling establishments, they will blame the dealers, they will blame the fact that people and places are unlucky for them.
The simple fact no one made me gamble, the gambling establishments never stole my money I gave my money to them willingly.
The deeper I get in to step four the more I get the past exposed and the more I can understand and the more I am able to deal with.
One made question is made a fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves, the easy one is the financial part we have no money or funds, that is simple, moral inventory is a simple way did we say or do things that went against our own conscience, did I  lie, did I  betray peoples trust, did I  become more unstable and more unreliable, did I  betray peoples love of me and cause them so much pain they found it hard to live with me.
Step four is often done over and over again, in hearing other people’s therapies we will identify our self in other people, both healthy and unhealthy, as we feel our self in other people we recognize how much more we need to heal and change but it sometimes seems impossible to love our self, but it sometimes seems impossible to forgive our self, and forgiving is not about burying and suppressing it is about peeling back the onion and letting the pains and tears come out.
How do I know if I am working the recovery program, people close to me no longer live-in fear of me, people close to me no longer live in fear of having a voice with me which is based up on peace?
The addictions and obsessions were not me being selfish, the truth was the addictions and obsessions were a form of self-destruction of myself and others.
In recovery find it hard to set boundaries, that comes with time and it important that healthy boundaries are set from an expression of peace.
My boundaries should not be from an unhealthy reaction anger rage threatening behaviors.
Often to set a boundary I will remove myself from a situation thinks over and talk later on when people are not so controlling or angry.
So the more we get honest without self the past gets less and less painful, in ways the pains being open heal and we no longer feel pains when talking about them.
As a teenager I tried to take my own life, I did not tell anyone, I simply took a few things and went to sleep, the next morning I felt a complete failure, I could not even do a job of taking my own life.
Just after that event a married couple came into my life and gave me a childhood I wanted and needed, they were nurturing and loving, they were not living in fear or stress, they gave of them self to me unconditionally, we went shopping together, we fished together, the sleep overs were incredible.
That couple gave me what I needed and wanted and were things my mother could not give me. 
Up to over 90 years of age my mother lived in fears.
Just before mother passed away, I was able to share some of my recovery with her and I helped her understand that in the past there were several very unhealthy things said and done on every one’s part and that was no longer important, he most important thing that day was the fact I loved her very much and that I no longer feared her. That I was willing to give of myself to her unconditionally, from that moment onwards our relationship changed towards each other and to ourselves.
Having said that and meant it I was never going to live in regret of my mother’s passing.
I understand it is possible to heal the pains of our past even if someone has passed on, the healing of our pains is for us. 
Some might even think that healing the pains of our past is not that important, for me it is healing our inner child so that they can come out to play without any fears whatsoever.
By burying and suppressing pains some might think that is the healthy path, if I was not healed, I would be living in the fears of my past.
For me every pain of my past carried the consequences of fears that I needed to face and reduce.
Pains healed fears faced sets me free to live an honest open relationship with myself.
When my pains are being healed, I learn to have a healthy empathy for myself, only when I have a healthy empathy for myself, only then I can have a healthy empathy for other people.
In my experiences there have been many people ask me if I am a counsellor, I just laugh and say no, and they are surprised by my answer.
Children and dogs warm towards me, I understand often children talk to me quite openly, I understand today they are not talking to Dave the adult they are in fact talking to little David the healed inner child.
Some people often question why I often use Dave of Beckenham as my AKA, the came about back in the 1970 in Croydon, there so many Dave's that they gave us second names, as I lived in Beckenham that is how it came about, there was Dave the painter etc.
Once step four is done in a healthy way, to understand our unhealthy reactions, to understand our emotional triggers, and we start to open to understanding how unhealthy we were but more so how to deal with things in a much healthier way.
How could it take me so long to learn and understand how important therapies were to speed my recovery and my healing, how long to understand that when I went back to my addictions and obsessions was a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable, that the highs of my addictions and obsessions were not happiness but were the buzz adrenaline rushes.
In my recovery over time, I would give up most kinds of risk taking, it was healthier doing it that way. By me not risk taking I have a healthier balance in my life today. Peace harmony serenity and a more stable balance in all parts of my life.
I am a non-religious person, yet I do understand how important spiritual values are in my life.
That by me having spiritual values I strengthen my own conscience.
Today I am more stable, today I am more loving, today I am more respectful, today I am more patient and tolerant with myself, today I am more motivated, today I live in far less fear, today I am less likely to procrastinate, today I am more reliable, today I am more open to discussion, today I am liking myself more and more. 
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham