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  What was recovery for me and how would it change my life
Posted by: gadaveuk - 22-01-2022, 11:38 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

What was recovery for me and how would it change my life.

At the beginning it was just today I will not gamble.

To understand that if I am Gamble I simple make things harder and more painful.

The recovery is about a healing process if you are religious or not.

When I lied indicated indicated how much fear I was living in at that time.

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

To understand my emotional triggers which for me were my pains my fears my frustrations my loneliness and my boredom.

Lies and deceptions were very much feared based issues, sadly I am betraying peoples trust of me.
Lies and deceptions weaken me.

Having a sponsor will help you open up and be more honest and talk things out before you make things much worse.

I use to often think that my wife had no emotional baggage before I married her.

That was not true yet to mention how other people can cope emotionally will not help me face myself and heal myself.

Hence there is the Gamanon roof for our partners and supporters to find healing and resolve for them selves.

Did I hurt my family and friends yes i did yet only in a slow healing process would I heal and then engage with people around me, when they are ready to talk to me again.

In recovery we understand what is healthy and what is unhealthy, yet becoming healthier takes time.

In recovery using good bad right or wrong is not very healthy and sounds like critism.

How can I learn to articulate myself in healthy ways.

How can I learn to open up more and reduce the fears in me.

My lies deceptions and secrets were very much fear based and made people feel I was rejecting them.

Recovery is about healing my hurt inner child, learn to fulfill my healthy needs, learn to fulfill my healthy wants.

Being impatient was an indicate that I was being hard on myself.

For me recovery is about learning to respect our self, learning to love our self, and also learning to be kind and gentle to our self.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  How was the recovery programme was going to help me abstain from one unhealthy habit
Posted by: gadaveuk - 17-01-2022, 11:35 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi


I did not fully appreciate how was the recovery programme was going to help me abstain from one unhealthy habit, then give up other unhealthy habits.

I noticed that being in the recovery program the healing time took much longer than I was ever thought it would.

For me abstaining it took me along time, that was when I was able to stop living and start the healing process.

I understand now that I could not start the healing the pain healing if I was still causing myself further pains.

The best way I can explain what and how recovery works is it is like mountain climbing start from day one, we are tied to each other by the rope of honesty nurturing and encouraging.

There have been many people that think that by abstaining on its own is recovery, not so just by giving up one unhealthy habit is what recovery is all about.

Understanding our emotional triggers was a big thing for me.

My emotional triggers were pains not being healed, fears not being faced, my frustrations, my fears of emotional intimacy and boredom.

I felt very threatened by people saying you have to do this or do that.

I am very much a non religious person.

So once I got some clean time I found that my levels of fear were still high, then I started to understand that every fear I had was a consequence of pains caused up on me.

I started to understand it was not healthy for me to get emotionally involved with new of recovery experiences and I was able to learn to have much healthier relationships with healthy like minded people.  

Often meetings would cause more questions than answers, and over time people would talk after meetings for hours and get help after meetings. 

Being sponsored and doing sponsor work was a great experience for me, it would help me feel more comfortable talking one to one with healthy seeking habits people.

Only when I understood that recovery was a healing process, it made sense.

There were forms of escape, we would like to think that gambling was our only escape, yet once you ask your self how much time was spent of my need to do time made me aware I needed to do more and take on more challenges.

It is difficult to give up unhealthy people relationships. To find better interactions with like minded people.

When people talked about their achievements and goals reached I felt that I was being left behind.

Once I understood if they could achieve some goals just may be I could give it a try.

At one time I did inventories of painful things that happened to me, emotional physical sexual being cut with a knife, cut with a bottle, hit and run twice by car drivers, neglect abandonment, I have ben beaten up by five or six guys, and I am not able to recall the time people have tried to get me to do things which went against my own conscience.

In doing Karate for two years I found that I feared not being beaten up again, but I feared aggression and confrontation, that I feared being the victim and feared being played.

For sure I had been the victim in my child hood, and the question why do people tend to pick on me, why am I  the victim, and then I got it, the reason I was the victim was for two reasons, that people picked on me because they saw them self in me, that certain people saw their emotional vulnerability in me. They did to me what people did to them.

The other reason was I was not able to speak up for myself or set healthy boundaries. And those boundaries are set from a place of peace.

How could you think that risk taking and adrenaline rush was happiness. That nothing was as powerful as being on that buzz.

I had a great fear of talking in front of people, before my recovery and during.

I was invited to talk at a recovery gathering and declined to do so, it was very much fear based and I lacked any forth of value in myself.

A lady told me it was only a short half hour talk and I believed her, so I agreed and then just before the event I was told it was an hour and a half, do I run, do I get angry, was I played.

Then I decided to do it and face my fears. Then I opened up to questions and there was a healthy interaction which helped me understand that my relationship with the group was two way. 

I asked the gathering what else they wanted to ask questions about and was told that we had reached our time and needed to finish, that seemed impossible to me, yet it was true.

I could not believe I had done it and got so much from it, again fear was a big thing for me in my recovery.

In recent years I have got great pleasure from doing talks at a recovery center for over two years. And once there is that open debate people come across so that it is a two way street.

The simple truth recovery is not about wo is right or wrong, it is not even about good or bad, it is all about finding out what is healthy or unhealthy for myself my relationship with my self and with other people.

If I can not be honest with myself I am unable to be honest with other people.

If I can not respect myself I am unable to respect other people.

If I can not love myself I am unable to love other people.

Being an addict is not a selfish thing in truth it is a self destructive thing.

By running away in my fears I was running away from myself.

Only by writing things down could I do some thing about them.

By me writing things down I am being accountable to myself.

What are my needs today.

What are my wants today.

What are my goals today.

How much more time and effort I am willing to invest being a much healthy person today.

How much more self sufficient can I become today.

Since being in recovery I have faced my fears of doing things for the home and for my family.

I have done several jobs laying concrete, I have planed and formed our yard in to some we felt we would both like, I have taken up doing wood work, I have laid out and planned out dry walling the basement, our basement is some thing we are both proud of. 

I have put every effort in to giving up trying to control and regulate other people, I give advice when I asked of it, I was never aware of much more I could do with my life and my time.

I put up triple glazing in our home, I used acrylic sheets which reduces losses yet acrylic sheets do distort when there are huge differences on either side of the acrylic sheets, that causes huge stress in acrylic sheets material. 

I also learned that every tool you buy pays for itself when you have used a few times. Every tool you buy is an investment in myself.

Shirley and I have been to dry wall lessons on several occasions, hard work but well worth it.

The more you learn and do the more confident you get in your self.

I use to be a big time waster, I use to wish my life and time away, I use to fear Mondays and think I could only have fun over the weekends.

Today I do not have to gamble, I do not want to gamble, I do not need to gamble.  

Today I do not have to get drunk, I do not want to get drunk, I do not need to get drunk.  

Today I do not have to smoke, I do not want to smoke, I do not need to smoke.  

Today I do not have to live in fear, I do not want to live in fear, I do not need to live in fear.  

Each time I give up an unhealthy habit indicates how much I value myself and how much my family.

Love and peace to every one 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  No matter when you gambled being in meetings is the best and healthiest place to be
Posted by: gadaveuk - 08-12-2021, 08:19 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

Hi
 
No matter when you gambled being in meetings is the best and healthiest place to be
 
Over time I would learn and understand when I was emotionally vulnerable and how to cope with triggers in my life.
 
Some people think it is strange that room compliments people even when they are only one day off gambling.
 
Every clean day is enabling us to get healthier in our lives.
 
I like many felt threatened by the meeting on my first few times, I reacted in unhealthy ways to the mention of God or religion, the recovery program is about our inner healing, I am a non religious person and did not think I would find a much healthier life.
 
Funny thing the recovery rooms often raise more questions than answers, hence people gather after meetings to talk longer about their life time experiences.
 
I use to think that I was a very weak useless person, that I had no value in myself, when therapies start you will be a witness to seeing and hearing your self in other people, both the healthy and unhealthy.
 
Working with a sponsor is very worth while, it helps if you are committed to sharing and being in a two way stream of sharing and communication, and in time some  intimacy at a deeper emotional level.
 
Once in my recovery I understood that no one could stop me gambling, that no one could make me do some thing I did not want to do.
 
The gambling did not control me, gambling was a form of escape where I could avoid facing my feelings and my emotions.
 
Once I understood all of my emotional triggers I would understand that my levels of fear were very high most of the time, and that living in my fears caused me to say or do some very unhealthy things.
 
Thinking I was a weak person was not the same as being vulnerable.
 
I could not cope emotionally even before my teen age years, as a teenager I tried to take my own life at my grand mothers, I woke up the next morning feeling even more of a failure.
 
In my life I have suffered emotional abuse, physical abuse sexual abuse, I have suffered neglect and abandonment, I have been cut with a knife, I have been cut with a broken bottle, I have been hit and run two times, I am just so lucky, both times drivers left me injured and drove off.
 
So I reached a time where I could not speak up for myself, I could not stand up for myself, I could not articulate my feelings and emotions even to myself.
 
Every time I took up any unhealthy habit was a form of escape, one thing was getting involved with television programs, or even soaps living their life though other people real or not.
 
In saying I have to implied that I did things reluctantly or resentfully, by saying or doing things in that way I was cheating myself.
 
I use to be nice to people to get what I wanted, being nice for me was person pleasing or trying to manipulate people to fulfill my needs.
 
Me being nice was also person pleasing, why could I not do or say things for healthy reasons, to give of myself unconditionally.
 
Only by reading my fears down and dealing with them would they reduce from 10 out of 10 fear to low number fears, fear of rejection, fear of being humiliated, fear of failure, I learned soon enough to not try new things I was failing myself, fear of being betrayed, fear of being hurt, fear of Christmas, fear of dentist, fear of fear of tax time, fear of bills arriving at our home, fear of not being able to do my job, fear of my neighbors, fear of running out or petrol.
My fears indicated the anxiety I was putting myself through, the build up of my fears.
 
For most of our married life we use to get so stressed out that on Christmas day we could be relaxed and enjoy it.
 
Then of course after Christmas all the bills once more.
 
We both decided to get Christmas cards sent early, to have a file with envelopes all listed out so we only had to place envelope after envelope in printer and they were done in matter of minutes instead of days and losing things.
 
One Christmas we sat down so relaxed we could not believe it was Christmas, we said it did not feel like Christmas us being so relaxed.
 
There were so many things that were unhealthy it took me along time to change those unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, it is not to impress people it is because I learned to value myself and my family.
 
The consequences of healthy actions and healthy words is healthier relationships with myself first of all, then with other people.
 
If all I did was to abstain and do nothing else with my life I would be cheating myself and my family.
 
I have friends today that I have known for over 59 years, I have stayed in contact with people I betrayed and let down, have they forgiven me, that is their choice not mine, do they trust me today, that is their choice not mine.
 
I do understand that I can heal my pains I am not able to heal other people pains.
 
Being a willing student in recovery the pace and quality of my recovery was and is today, is all up to me.
 
If I am not able to or willing to be honest with myself, I am cheating myself.
 
There comes point in recovery where text and words changes in to our nurturing motivation to be much healthier place in our self.
 
Time and relationships are the most important things in my life today.
 
I use to waste so much of both before my recovery.
 
Having healthy sponsors is two way street, and can be very nurturing and in time our sharing helps us both make healthier choices in every avenue of our life.
 
It is not healthy to think or give compliments to a healthy sponsor, once we talk things out and once I seriously commit to healthy actions and words the responsibility belongs to me and not any sponsor.
 
A healthy sponsor helps us commit to our self and to make healthier choices and decisions in our lives.
 
It is almost like saying when things go well it is the sponsor responsibility, when things go pear shaped it is my responsibility, that makes no sense what so ever.
 
Expressing gratitude and appreciation is a very important part of my recovery, showing gratitude and appreciation helps intimacy with all people in our life, and often people will think we are different to the normal and we are unusual.
 
One day we were a=eating out in a fast food place, we placed our orders and our food arrived, well there was paper in between the pieces of meat on my plate.
 
In the old days instant rage, then I would try and embarrass people, then I would have tried to get some thing for nothing.
 
On this occasion I spoke to waitress in a very quiet voice and asked her if I had to pay extra for the paper, there was laughter and we were offered free sweets. We declined sweets because we did not want a sweet.
Many times I will compliment the chef for good meal well done, again it is not a healthy expression of my gratitude.
 
I am now 74 years of age, we have been married over 50 years, we would not be married if I did not get my ass in to gear and become a healthier person.
 
The lady I married has been a very loyal yet vulnerable lady because of who I use to be, my gambling did not hurt I did, the gambling establishments never lied to my wife I did.
 
I am able to love myself today and am able to love my wife and my family today more than I could ever have done in the past.
 
In starting to heal my hurt inner child I started to understand how my pains fears and frustrated adversely affected me.
 
In time I started get wise as to make healthier choices in my life, I was not a bad person, I was not a evil person, I was not a stupid or dumb person, in taking my recovery seriously and putting more and more effort in to my days I am pleased to say I am a person I can start to like.
 
The out come of any person recovery is dependant on how much time and effort you invest in to your self.
 
I knew that just abstaining was not enough for me, only by my abstaining could the healing of my hurt inner child start to begin. Recovery is not a race. Recovery is seriously possible to anyone who truly wants it.
 
Love and peace to everyone.
 
Dave L
 
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

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  What is recovery to me today how much do I value myself, am I worth it.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 04-12-2021, 05:02 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Reading text and booke were a help for me.

Yet what was more important for me was moving beyond war stories and talking about more or money lost and getting in to therapies.

In hearing and grasping an understanding reaching goals in my life and exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, it was not helpful  for me to get involved with people who talked about being in action.

I use to think that I loved gambling, it was the only thing that got me so excited.

For me now in understanding me and my addiction I was escaping in my fears.

No one was going to stop me gambling, tat was going to be my choice, yet to give it up was hard, sadly I even use to think that gambling controlled my life.

Gambling for me was an unhealthy habit, what did I feel on losing my money who did I blame, every time I went gambling I made things much worse and painful.

What helped me was to work out my hourly rate at work, then when I Lost money once more work out how many out it took me to earn that money.

People around me gave up trusting or believing in me, people started to fear me because they did not know or understand my mood swings.

Getting some thing for nothing, or getting things cheap, I had an excuse for every thing, it was hard for me to acknowledge and accept responsible for the kaos I caused myself and my family.

In time I would write down my fears, there were so many and it was regular, fear anxiety stress, the list just got bigger and bigger.

My fear were many, fear of failure, fear of the opposite sex, fear of rejection, fear of intimacy, fear of being honest, fear of being accountable, fear of apologizing, fear of Christmas, fear of writing things down, fear of injections, fear of doctors, fear of Tax time, fear of making a mistake, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of bills after Christmas, fear of being interrogated, fear of being let down, fear of making a mistake, fear of humiliation, fear of look on peoples faces when I had broken out again, the list justs go on and on.

Understanding each fear was a consequence of pains in my life I needed to reduce my fears, face each one at a time and over time it happened.

In recovery I would reduce my fears and heal my pains.

But it takes time and it required a lot of effort on my part.

Moving from being inadequate insecure and inept to becoming more healthy and whole was well worth while.

How much do I value myself today. 

I know just for today I will not gamble. I will not smoke I will not get drunk. I will not let myself down.

Love and peace to every one. 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

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  Towards the first 90 days
Posted by: KF1960 - 29-11-2021, 05:21 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi All. My name is Keith and I’m a compulsive gambler. So after 16 years of abstinence and then 5 years of Gambling turmoil I am once again back and applying the principles I learned from the GA Rooms and applying them one day at a time. I am now on day 11 gambling free and feeling positive. I have downloaded some literature and rediscovering all the wisdom previously learned at my GA meetings from that wonderful group of people I met. Yesterday was a good day and will make me stronger for today. J.F.T I will not gamble.

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  GA Rooms
Posted by: KF1960 - 19-11-2021, 09:47 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (4)

Hi all. my name is Keith and I’m a compulsive gambler. Back trying to find my will and peace of mind. I had all of this and more when joining GA around 2000. Following the steps to recovery one day at a time I had 16 years of abstainance . Then out of the blue around 5 years ago I caved to that demon voice that said to me go on have a bet it will be fine. Well the inevitable happened and pretty soon I was spiralling out of control. Back to the depths of the dream world of a compulsive gambler. 5 years of hell. But on day 2 and determined to gain control one step at a time. Keith

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  There is nothing healthy about living in the past, recovery is a healing process
Posted by: gadaveuk - 26-10-2021, 11:24 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

Hi

I did not know what to expect by going to meetings, I went first of all for my family, in time I went to meetings because I wanted to.

The spiritual recovery program raised more questions than answers, yet only once I moved on from living in the past could I get focused on today.

There is nothing healthy about living in the past, only once I started to heal my pains could I live a much healthier life today.

Every fear that I had on going in to the meetings would be understood and resolved and as my fears reduced my trust grew, I started to trust myself and then I started to trust other people.

There is mention that people who are addicts are selfish people, for me not so, I was self destructive not selfish.

One can say that because I did not care about myself the addictions the drink the smoking and even beating myself up was not healthy.

The addictions and obsessions were only the symptoms that I was an emotionally vulnerable person, in time I understood the fact my anger indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

No matter what happens I understand that by going back to my addictions obsessions I simply made things much worse.

The highs of my addiction of gambling were very much adrenaline based, I use to think that risk taking was happiness, not so.

I am a non religious person yet I understand that my conscience is spiritually based, that when I dump on to other people I am in effect hurting myself.

Guilt shame regret all words that indicate deep down I do have a conscience and by working my recovery I listen to my own conscience.

Every lie I tell I am hurting myself, by justifying myself I am not being healthy, I was to busy, did not have enough time, when I try to justify myself I am in effect heating myself.

I asked my wife what love was, she told me it was giving of myself unconditionally, no expectations, giving of myself with out expecting nothing ibn return.

I use to think that by paying back the money would make good the betrayal I had done to people, the lies would be resolved, not so money and pain have no connection what so ever, money gives us more choices, money did not heal or resolve to my deep seated pains and suffering.

There is nothing healthy about us beating our self up, nothing healthy about us calling our self names, with healing comes nurturing and empathy, to understand we can not change the past.

I am unable to heal other people yet I am able to be more nurturing healing towards myself, the healing process did not happen over night.

Yet the healing process could not happen all the time I was involved or consumed with unhealthy addictions of obsessions.

Only once I loved myself could I love other people, only once I respected myself could I respect other people, only once I was tolerant and patient with myself could I be tolerant and patient with other people, only once I was honest with myself could I be honest with other people.

The more fears I faced the less fear I lived in.

My fears and trust issues were very much linked together.

Yet at what point did I have  the light bulb moment, that the text reading changed from text to understanding, at what point was I empowered by the interactions and my sharing and therapies.

At what did I understand my hurt inner child needed to heal and move on from the past, it was important to learn from my past and not live in it.

Do my family fear me today, do family trust me today, do family feel my sincerity today today, can my family say any thing to me today with out living in fear of my reacting in unhealthy ways today.

How much do I give of myself being healthy today, do I give of myself unconditionally, do I reward myself today, do I understand clearly my needs my wants and my goals today.

In being more healthy today I feel very healthy when I have productive days, I have some thing to show for my time and efforts.

I am very pleased that I replaced our lattice work on the front porch of our home, it was hard work yet very much worth while.

The simple sad fact that I wasted a lot of time and energy in being a very unhealthy person.

In looking back I do question why did it take me so long to understand how unhealthy I use to be.

And then to get my ass in to gear and get motivated in my recovery and healing process.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

Aka Dave of Beckenham

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  Did I enjoy living in fear and regret, how much more can I do with my life today
Posted by: gadaveuk - 13-10-2021, 11:01 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Walking in to the recovery program I did not understand that in time I would abstain from my addictions, yet more importantly I would heal  my hurt inner child.

Once I understood when I was emotionally vulnerable that reacting in such unhealthy ways I was making things much worse in my life.

In time I would also understand because I was emotionally vulnerable I was not an evil stupid or a weak person, because of the pains that were caused up on me in my  child hood I could not cope with how my feelings and emotions.

I have heard some people say that some feelings and emotions were bad or some were good, in my recovery I would understand that living in certain ways was healthy or not healthy.

The recovery program was non religious for me.

In time understanding my emotional triggers I would be able to cope with events in much healthier ways, I would contact people and talk myself down to dealing with situations in  much healthier ways.

I would also understand that because of unhealed pains in my life I lived in far to many fears, and because of unhealed pains I would try and escape in so many ways.

For me the addictions and obsessions were just indicators of how vulnerable I was, recovery for me is a healing process thing, it was not possible for me to heal every pain in a few days.

For sure my gambling made things much worse and unhealthy for me.

Money was never going to buy me happiness, money was never going to heal the hurt child in me that hid behind his fears.

In time by sharing with like minded healthy people I would find how to cope with life and events in much healthier ways.

When people share with a sponsor it is often a two way street, we learn from each other.

Things that use to cause me to go instantly in to a full blown rage now make me laugh.

Often I question when I was last angry, sadly it is often hard to remember and that makes me laugh.

Some people think that reading text will help me find healing and resolve, for me talking at an emotional level and having a healthy intimacy where there is little fear in me helps me get past testing time.

Just because a person has been clean for a long time will not always indicate the person is healed and found emotional resolve in their life.

Clean time only indicates that I have stopped causing myself and others pains for a time.

Yet only by my abstaining gives me any chance of healing the hurt inner child in me.

It took along time to become productive in my life, I use to fear computers, I use to fear the opposite sex, I use to fear being honest, I use to fear emotional intimacy, I use to fear asking for help, I use to fear people being aggressive, I use to fear being myself, I use to fear failure or making mistakes, I use to fear taking my mask down and let see people see the real me.

How healthy do I want to be today, what is the limit of my full potential.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Living in fear is not healthy for me, how healthy and productive can I get today
Posted by: gadaveuk - 07-10-2021, 02:37 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

I was not a very healthy motivated person earlier in my life, once I identified the fact that when I procrastinated it was not very healthy, procrastination was often lack of confidence lack of self esteem and more often fear based, that when I justified my failings I was not being honest to myself, Brian Tracey helped me understand that when I needed to work things out in my head I needed to be relaxed and not stress myself out, I have found very often that when I let go of thinking about a challenge it is a short period of time I found out how to resolve my challenges, the reason I had so many fears in my life was due to painful events in my life that had not been healed and resolved, my addictions and my obsessions indicated that I had certain emotional triggers. My triggers were my pains not healed, my fears having not been faced, my frustrations  were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, due to my expectations I was in effect hurting myself and causing myself pains, my loneliness was due to fear of emotional intimacy, and my boredom because I was unable to be healthy and motivated in my life, in time I would give of  myself unconditionally, I would learn to be honest with out being cruel. Every one has their own idea what success is, some might think that money makes you feel successful, yet in the middle of my life I would start to learn that success is all about my healthy actions and healthy words would make me feel successful in myself.  People will justify saying or doing unhealthy things to other people, they will often think that they wanted justice, sadly they were being vengeful and by causing other people pains they would think that they have resolved their own pains, how long to learn that vengeance and healing our pains is not the same thing. How much do I value time and relationships today. Can I be myself today with out any fears. Can I express appreciation and gratitude to every one in my life today, can I be myself today not fearing any kind of emotional intimacy today. Do I live my life with out any fear in me today. How can I reach another challenge in my life knowing there is always an answer to every challenge in my life today. That I will not allow fear to limit how much more I can do with my life today. That I know that love is giving of myself unconditionally not holding back in any way.

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  It took me along time to take recovery and healing seriously
Posted by: gadaveuk - 05-10-2021, 10:09 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I questioned if I could find a healthy life with out feeling that my addictions controlled my life.

I built walls of fear to protect my hurt inner child because of the pains I was caused in my life.

I use to think that if I had money I would be happy, that if I got all my money back I had lost.

In my time I have attended 11 counsellors, the number of meetings helped me learn to help myself, to make a telephone when I felt vulnerable.

Once I gave up talking about money and times I was in action.

I was a risk taker from a very early age, it got worse the more I valued myself, no one was going to make me do some thing if I did not want to do it.

At one time I truly thought that I wanted to do nothing with my time, I went and lied on the cost in England and low and behold after a year of doing nothing I knew that I did not want to do noting with my life.

Because I had certain emotional triggers then I would want to escape, sadly I could not identify my fears, so I could not face them or write them down.

By me facing my fears I would find that I could achieve so much more with my life and out of my fears I found that there was so much more I could achieve with my life.

My procrastination was often fear based and also a lack of confidence and self esteem.

The roos of recovery helped me get to know myself better, as my therapies got deeper my fears reduced, and as I got to taught to people on a one to one basis I could understand myself more.

I have viewed the recovery program simular to mountain climbers tied together by a rope and as long as I was connected to like minded people they helped me not understand when I was vulnerable but how to not take unhealthy people problems and make them my own.

Even in recent days I had talked about my fears about doing a job I was not comfortable about doing, the other factor was winter is not far away and being in Canada it can get not only very cold but snow can get deep in a very short period of time.

At one time they forecast it getting very cold and it was colder than -40C well I did a very risky thing I locked us out of our car, I left the engine running but could not get in to it.

In the beginning of my recovery I did not know that most of the time I was living in a stressed out way, I use to react in unhealthy ways to every one and every thing, I could not stop myself from being that way, then the question I asked myself is it healthy to live in so much fear most of the time.

I use to be so scared of the dentist, now I am often able to go to sleep when getting in to the dentist chair, I use to fear the tax month, now we do not get wound up   when tax period comes round.

Another fear I had was talking to large meetings and doing talks, I have been doing talks at a recovery center for some years which stopped just recently, I very much enjoyed doing it and got so much back from the meetings with the stimulation there was.

It is very rare for me to waste time now, my time is well spent getting things done, yet sadly now I am seventy four years of age and so push my body to far I still tend to think I am still 20 years of age.

I have been able to get to meetings and conferences and get pleasure meeting with young people at the beginning of their recovery.

At the beginning I did not think that I was an unhealthy person I just thought that I was unlucky.

I use to justify my failings, I use to justify my failing to get things done, I use to justify not telling the truth, to not be honest with myself.

Things that use to get me so wound up and angry now I just laugh these tests of my recovery off, I felt like I use to explode because of my anger.

I have been able to give up so many unhealthy habits, I gave up smoking and that was expensive habit, it cost me more than £xx a year, then there was the drinking, then there was the gambling, sadly I did not have much faith or hope in myself, I will never now how many times I caused people to cry due to my causing them so many pains and me being such a failure in many ways.

I am pleased to say that my family does not fear me any more. 

It is wonderful not living on the edge of that painful cliff, I do not want to go in to unhealthy spiritual decline again in my life.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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