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Listed all my fears so I ...
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  Just for today I will not gamble, I want to be the healthiest person I can be today.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 05-05-2022, 03:56 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I am Dave a compulsive Gambler and a non religious person and I understand more about myself today than ever before my recovery.

Being a compulsive Gambler I could not find answers why I would escape to my addictions and obbsesion, I now understand that my addictions and obbsesion were the symptoms that I was very emotionally vulnerable.

I would escape in my fears to my addictions and obbsesions when I could not emotionally with my feelings and my emotions.

After along time in the recovery program I would understand what recovery meant to me, recovery is about healing our pains.

I did an inventory of the pains I had suffered in my life, today I understand there is nothig any one could do to me that I had already servived up to this date.

The pains in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

I often found that text in the recovery did not healp me that much.

Often meetings raised more questions that answers, I was foten reuctant to open up and let people know how vulnerable I was.

The sharing had the biggest impact on my recovery and my healing.

Why did I go back to Gambling so often, in time I would understand most my emotional triggers, that was very powerful for me.

Often the rage that came out of me helped me undeerstand that hurt inner child in me that noted fully healed.

The funny thing was that I feared emotional intimacy, yet now more in my recovery I understand that what helped me heal was emotional intimacy

There was very little emotional intimacy due to hwo unhealthy I was. 

Then over many years I got to see and feel myself in other people, both the ehalthy and unealthy.

The better the therapies the more it helped me in so many ways, also other therapies therapies helped me i so many ways.

As my fears reduced my trust grew with my self and others.

As my fears reduced my intimacy grew and so did my relationships.

I am able to love myself and am abale to love other people.

I am able to respect myself and am abale to respect other people.

As I heal I am less angry, I am less envious, I am more tolerant and patient with myself.

Today I do not want to go back to Gambling because I know for sure it will cause myself and other people more pain.

Just for today I will not gamble has nothing to do about money or gambling, I want to heal more, I want to be the healthiest person I can be today.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

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  Listed all my fears so I could reduce them one by one.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 19-04-2022, 06:13 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I am a non religious person yet I was abale to find a healthy recovery.

Fear of rejection and or abandonment, fear of telling the truth, fear of being accountable, fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of being let down, fear of fear of humiliation, fear of loneliness, fear of the dentist, fear of the doctors, fear of injections, fear of betrayal, fear of disappointing people, fear of what people thought of me, fear of speaking up for myself, fear of being the victim, fear of aggression and confrontation, fear of letting people down, fear of validating myself, fear of taking a compliment, fear of the doctors, fear of the opposite sex, fear of being committed, fear of Christmas, fear of Tax time, fear of writing my needs my wants and my goals, fear of writing down the pain and abuse I experienced in my life, fear of writing down injuries to my body, fear of writing down the emotional abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the physical abuse I experienced, fear of writing down the sexual abuse I experienced, fear of being myself, fear of my failings, fear of guilt shame regret remorse, fear of therapies, fear of being a loner, fear of setting boundaries, fear of having a voice to stand up for myself, fear of strangers, fear of healing my pains, fear of being a victim, fear of not making it, fear of people faces when they got to know me.


This list seems impossible looking at them in one lump.
Fear restricted me; fear froze me in the traumas of my past.

I took my worst fear, the 10 out of 10 and I asked myself what is the very worst that can happen.

Only once I was willing to accept the very worst that could happen would the level of my fears reduce.


How many times, how many years have we feared the Tax man, or the tax period, it is the same fear year after year, then I decide to put money in each month to cover payment to the tax man, which reduces my fears.

Love and peace to everyone


Dave L


AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

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  No matter when our last bet was keep going to meetings they are our life savers.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 26-02-2022, 02:11 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I have forgotten the times I went back to Gambling yet it was important to understand what my last emotional trigger was.

Clean time can not be lost, that is a simple fact, sadly when I gambled I got in to the unhealthy habit of beating myself up.

For me the recovery was a healing process of my pains from my past.

I now understand that recovery and healing can not take place if all I do is cause myself more pains and an type.

What I needed in my recovery was nurturing and encouragement, self abuse is very unhealthy for me.

The wording surrender was often used in the recovery program, yet what is surrender, does it mean give up on your self. No not at all.

Can I become healthier if I set my mind to it, yes but the choice is mine.

Hearing of peoples success I saw and felt myself in them, by going to meeting we see and feel the change how people feel about them self and their families.

In the therapies I was not only able to open up more but learn more and more about myself.

I have lost count of the number of time I came out of meetings where I had more questions than answers and low and behold would meet with other people and we would talk for hours and feel a better of our recovery.

I have been to meetings in England Canada and America and understand pain is pain no matter where you go and people recovery varied and with different meetings you found a better understanding of recovery than at other locations.

There were meetings in the UK where people got honest far more quickly, and often the strength of the therapies was based on people having less fear in them.

I have been in recovery some time and each day I am willing to learn more about myself and to live a much healthier life being at peace with myself.

The quality of my relationship with myself and all other people is based on me being more and more fearless. 

The less fear in me gives me more rust.

Writing down was very difficult for me, the fear of being was very high, in time my writings expose more of the pains of my past.

I did inventory of my body broken bones cuts with a knife cuts with a broken bottle, yet sadly all of that was not as painful as the emotional scars which were the deepest.

I then understood every thing had been done to me that could have been done and that today I understand that I am a survivor, not only am I healing from ost of the scars but my hurt inner child can come and play today.

The more awareness of myself and I was able to have empathy for others and also able to see and feel the pains and fears my parents lived in.

Sadly guilt shame regret resentments indicates pains were not being healed,

It was easy for me to forgive others, sadly they could not heal their own pains. Very sad and very unhealthy. 

By not asking myself which is the biggest fear in my life I was not able to deal with it and face it head on.

Once I was to understand biggest fear in my life I was accept the very worst that could happen and that fear would reduce to single numbers.

The reason to face the biggest fear in my life first, meant that once I deal with my number one fear, every fear after that would be easier and simpler.

How healthy and empowering is that.

Then the awareness of how much fear inhibited me from living my life to the full every day.

I was not able to love completely living in so much fear. 

I was not able to love completely living in so much mistrust. 

How much do I want my life to get healthier today.


Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

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  The Gambling was a form of escape I was emotionally vulnerable I was unhealthy.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 19-02-2022, 09:54 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I walked in to the rooms of recovery feeling like I could not stop my self from gambling.

I felt like I could not be honest to myself, I did not know why I am gambled.

I felt like I could not be honest to myself or other people.

I thought that if I got my money back that I lost I would be happy, if I got my money back that if I paid people back that would take away their pains and my pains. 

When recovery program talked about religion I would react in unhealthy ways and I felt threatened.  

Some healthy people let me know that recovery would work for any one religious or not if they do the work in my recovery.

Some vulnerable people would switch from one addiction to another or take up a time consuming obsession.

Before going in to recovery I would beat myself up and call myself names, that is not very healthy or productive.

At my first meetings I did not want to be honest or could not be honest.

Some very healthy people in recovery were patient tolerant kind caring and respectful and demonstrated to me how they were honest about the self.

They did not have to quote text me they demonstrated to me how to become more healthy and more productive.

I could not articulate how emotionally vulnerable I felt, or how to cope with situations that in the past use to send me in to a tail spin self destruction mode.

Step four asks me to be accountable to myself and to the room.

Because I was so emotionally vulnerable I found it hard to get honest with myself, let alone with other people.

The question I asked myself was how much pain was I burying with myself.

The question I asked myself was what level of fear did I live in each and every day.

On walking in to the recovery program I learned that recovery was a healing process, some pains were so deep they did not even come to a conscious level.

Some past pains would cause a very unhealthy reaction in rage and that was my hurt inner child lashing out.

I did not even know which unhealthy pains caused that rage all I knew was my inner child not heal the pains of the past.

My inability to have intimacy with people was to protect my hurt inner child from being hurt again.

My resentments anger hatred rage all indicated that I could not or would not heal from the pains of my past.

Did I trust the meetings from day one, did I even understand how emotionally vulnerable I was.

Did I stop Gambling from day one, no not at all, I went back and forth from many unhealthy habits, the important thing was to keep going back to meetings no matter when my last bet was.

If some was manipulative or using aggression towards me to not let them scare  off meetings.

I went to many meetings then found a healthy meeting where people where moving on in their life in a very healthy way.

I have met and seen people with lots of clean time with tears in their eyes, who did not get it or understand that recovery was far more than just abstaining.

What helps me help myself, what helps me keep going back to meeting no matter how hard or painful life gets, to be selfish about my recovery.

Yes for me for recovery to work I needed to do it for myself not any one else, no excuses, no justification he she said or did this or that, no matter how much goes pear shaped in my recovery to stay with it.

In time I got to understand my emotional triggers, my unhealthy pains I was not able to heal, my unhealthy fears I was not able to face, with my unhealthy frustrations I was not able to reduce my expectations of people life and situation, my loneliness doe to my fears of emotional intimacy, and my feelings of boredom, I was often use to give up on myself far to easy.

One of my unhealthy habits, procrastination, I tried to avoid getting things done, I tried to avoid responsibility, one can question why, was it fear based, was it lack of confidence, lack of purpose, low self esteem, fear of failure, fear of being humiliated, fear of being committed to myself, fear of writing down my needs my wants and my goals.

Having my goals started to get me going, also helped me focus on today and tomorrow and less fear of my past.

Having my goals made me see and feel I have a healthy future getting further away from my last unhealthy habit.

I do not want or need to gamble.

I do not want or need to get drunk.

I do not want or need to smoke.

I do not want or need to lie today.

I do not want or need to hide in my fears today.

I do not want or need to live in the guilt shame regret resentments and vengeance of my past.

I do not want or need to be angry today.

Is there a change of heart in me today.

The very last thing I do not want or need in my life today is to Gamble and cause self abuse to my inner child, myself or any other person.

My levels of unhealthy reactions to life people and situations has dropped from ten out of ten to very low single figures.

It is not healthy for me to cause myself or other people any more pains.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

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  Walking in to Recovery program I felt inadequate inept insecure and vulnerable.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 11-02-2022, 09:49 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

Hi


My name is Dave and I am a compulsive Gambler, I did not know that I was very emotionally vulnerable, I did not know that I had certain emotional triggers.

I questioned what is a recovery program, there were lots of talking about religion yet I was a non religious person, would the recovery program work for me.

It was pointed out that being in meetings at least I was not gambling, did that mean once you abstain from gambling you are cured.

Later I found that the word Recovery means healing.

Did it mean I needed to heal from gambling addiction, no I was going to heal from all pains in my life not just while I was Gambling.

Then I started to abstain from the Gambling addiction and only then once I stopped causing myself self abuse could I even start to heal from the pains long before my unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy obsessions.

Like many did I understand why I was emotionally vulnerable.

That I lived in fears and doubts even though I was not gambling.

For me I find in time that the reference to the buzz was very much adrenaline based, the bigger the risk the bigger the buzz.

How could I think that self abuse and isolation was fun and happiness.

Sadly in time I would understand that when I married my wife Shirley I did not know what love was.

In time I would understand that all the time I was living in my fears I could not love other people because I could not love myself.

I could not respect myself, did that mean I could not respect other people.

In time I gave up the easy option of talking about money money lost or about being action and I started to open up because I knew money and gambling were not my problem.

I would start to open up and give a therapy, what my feelings and emotions that day that week.

I would start to talk about how vulnerable I was, how much I feared in my life, how much pain I could not deal with.

Going to counselling only happened once my fears were reduced drastically.

I went to eleven counsellors, they could not help me until I was willing to open up more and more. 

I also started to understand that they could only help me if they have got past their emotional vulnerability them self.

In time I would identify each of my emotional triggers, my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my Loneliness and my boredom.

Each time I went back to gambling was a lesson for me to learn from.

No matter how many times I went back to gambling it was very important to keep going to meetings.

There were many times I wanted to talk in meetings sadly I would not volunteer, there were many times I did not want to talk, that very much fear based and feeling emotionally vulnerable. 

People will not talk about lack of confidence feeling inadequate and insecure because they think it will make them even more vulnerable.

In time we all learn how to articulate our feelings and emotions, then we understand it is healthier and less painful to make those difficult calls and when cheaper when are vulnerable and feeling uncomfortable in our self.

How long to learn about myself, how long to not fear being me, how long to articulate about how vulnerable, to understand the only person who can help me is myself.

By me sharing and opening up I was bale to make safer and healthier choices more often.

The calls I make are less about anxiety fear panic and self doubt, and more about healthy intimacy and interactions with like minded people who help me understand that I both want and need healthy interacting with all people.

The money lost has gone, nothing I can do or say can bring that money back.

The unhealthy pains I have caused myself and the unhealthy pains other people caused me I can heal and forgive that is my choice today.

I am not able to heal other peoples pains, that is their choice not mine, it is their choice to forgive me, not my choice.

As I get healthy in myself and I am healthier in my words and my actions, their fear of me hopefully reduce, as theirs fears reduce their trust grows, that again is their choice.

If I am working my recovery in a healthy way and am no longer a threat to myself or other people there is a gap which was filled with more intimacy and more trust.

Being in recovery I also understand that the addict is not always the only one that is unhealthy in one way or another.

So as the addicts attend meetings the other rooms often help the partners heal and open for them self.

Often I have heard the partners say and mean it I would be happy and more secure if my partner was not an addict.

Then in time as they see and hear other people talk they start to understand there was a reason they married an addict.

There was one person many years ago that married an addict, divorced him and then married another addict, divorced him and then married another addict, the question was why do I keep falling for addicts.

In time after many years I understood there was a reason I married my wife and later after healing in myself I would understand that I married Shirley because she also had pains in her life that were not healed.

As I became healthier and healthier she would ask and be curious how recovery and healing works, by our intimacy grew and there were more health sharing of my vulnerability, she would see and feel more in me.

At meeting last week there was a mention of a program called after life, the person was excited by seeing it and how stimulated he was, well I started watching it and got hooked.

I mentioned it to Shirley and last night she started to watch it with me, I had seen it all before but it was beneficial to watch again.

I was surprised to see that I was able to cry at the things I had already scene.

There is a decision made by politicians to reduce restrictions about masks and opening up the public to open areas, I feel it is very unhealthy for politicians to ignore the medical experts and take the risk of undermining the hospitals.

Because I care and respect myself I will continue to wear my masks where ever I go, not because of living in fear but the fact I think I am healthier and do not want to put my myself or others at risk.

How is it that I care more about myself than other people will.

In the meetings being an equal and understanding where people have come from I need to be more patient and tolerant ad understand where I came from.

I have been in recovery since 1970, I am 29 years clean, why did it take me so long to get it, to understand how recovery works, in my sharing at meetings is it about who is right or wrong, is it about who knows best, could I have been in meetings all that time and not got it not got the light bulb moment.

The recovery program all the words and text, the meetings and all of our sharing, our journey shared it will not work until a person wants to be become healthy complete, to become spiritually healthy and whole with in them self.

How much do they or I want it today.

How much did I value myself, how much time and effort was I wiling to invest in to myself, to become selfish about my recovery.

I attend meetings to this day not because I fear gambling or all unhealthy habits, today I attend meetings because in the meetings I see and feel myself in other people not only as I was but more about who I can became.

The only person that limits me is myself.

In my recovery I both want and need more healthy in my life.

With a healthy open mind a healthy heart and learning more healthy interactions I can see and feel my life with out any fears what so ever.

Love an peace to every one. 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

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  Why did I question and feel that I was bad evil incompetent inept inadequate insecure
Posted by: gadaveuk - 05-02-2022, 12:55 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi
 
The addictions and obsessions just indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.
 
That did not mean that I was any thing else but emotionally vulnerable.
 
It did not mean that I was a weak person, exactly the opposite I had experienced and suffering many pains and trauma and simply by that fact I was vulnerable survivor yet I was not able to heal my self from the pains of my past.
 
So today I do understand that I was nothing less than a person who was not able to help the hurt inner child in me.
 
So for the meaning of word recovery is healing.
 
Yet the recovery program will only help a willing person who was willing to open up and admit that they both want and need to heal so that they no longer feel emotionally vulnerable.
 
The recovery program will only help people become healthy if they want it.
 
The recovery program would help me help myself, once I was willing to commit my time and my efforts towards a healthier living.
 
It all starts with Just today ONLY I will not gamble, once I abstain from one addiction or obsession we stop hurting our self.
 
The recovery program would help me stop trying to escape in my fears.
 
By reducing my fears would also help me open up more and trust more.
 
The healthy people in the recovery program will demonstrate what is healthy to them at that time.
 
We will start to understand it is very rare for a person to stop Gambling right away, often it is a process of people admitting they gambled recently and that honesty is the basis of how recovery.
 
Every time we go back to  Gambling we learn how much we were vulnerable before we had our last bet, and start to understand our last emotional trigger was.
 
Walking in to the recovery is very unsettling, we are admitting we need help, in my thinking I thought people would think I was a weak person.
 
By listening and sharing our experiences we understand that we are no longer alone, the guilt and regret reduces because we start to understand more about our self and our unhealthy reactions to people life and situations I could not cope with.
 
Some might think that by admitting we are vulnerable that we can not change our vulnerability.
 
In our therapies we learn to articulate our self in healthy ways.
 
The confusion of our thinking that our addition Gambling made us happy, the that buzz was happiness, the truth is the that buzz was not happiness, it was in fact adrenaline based on all of our collective fears.
 
All the time we live in high levels of fear it was very easy to go in to panic mode and completely loose control of our life and our clear thinking.
 
The recovery program would help me understand how unhealthy I was, I had after all lost all faith confidence and self esteem in myself, I had in effect got in to the unhealthy habit of beating myself up and calling myself names.
 
On me walking in to the recovery program I was also very lost and confused and did not how to find a healthy way of living.
 
By abstaining we stop causing our self further pains, and by stop hurting our self we get some time with reduced pains, yet still  not sure of our selves.
 
Was one meeting per week enough for me, sadly no I was so emotionally traumatized I needed more time in the meetings, yet by being in recovery there was far less chance of me turning to my gambling addiction.
 
It is well know that people will be cross addicted before entering the recovery program, or will become cross addicted after entering the recovery program, we understand it is just another away of escaping how vulnerable we still feel.
 
On seeing and hearing peoples therapy we think that their life is not possible for us, that is lack of confidence and lack of self esteem and over time as we achieve more with our life we find a greater potential in our self.
 
I use to think and feel that money would make me feel successful, then one day I met a very wealthy person, I asked if you are happy now you have acquired so much money in your life.
 
The man asked me if I thought his goal in life was money, I sad yes, he laughed, he said my goal in life was never money, my goal in life was to be successful, it was never about money.
 
He explained that because he was successful in the things he did he received more money, but money was never his goal.
 
That was a light bulb moment, got me thinking what my goals were.
 
I now understand that success is about my healthy actions and my my healthy actions words.
 
Yet on walking in the recovery program my only goal was to stop Gambling, nothing else, I did not fully understand that the recovery would not change my thinking, it would help me make much healthier choices every day in my life.
 
Just for today I do not want or need to gamble, that is very healthy for me.
 
Just for today I do not want or need to get drunk, that is very healthy for me.

Just for today I do not want or need to smoke, that is very healthy for me.

 
Just for today I do not want to hurt myself or other people, that is very healthy for me.
 
Just for today I do not want to live in any kind of fear, that is very healthy for me.

Just for today I do not want to be angry discontent lonely or inadequate, that is very healthy for me.

 
The recovery program has helped me help myself more than I ever thought was possible.
 
How much do I want to love myself today.
 
How much do I want to value myself today.

How much do I want to respect myself today.

Love and peace to every one.
 
For me abstaining from my addictions and my obsessions opened up a much healthy life for me and my family than I ever thought was possible.
 
Dave L
 
AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK 

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  Why did I question and feel that I was bad evil incompetent inept inadequate insecure
Posted by: gadaveuk - 04-02-2022, 08:00 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

The addictions and obsessions just indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

That did not mean that I was any thing else but emotionally vulnerable.

It did not mean that I was a weak person, exactly the opposite I had experienced and suffering many pains and trauma and simply by that fact I was vulnerable survivor yet I was not able to heal my self from the pains of my past.

So today I do understand that I was nothing less than a person who was not able to help the hurt inner child in me.

So for the meaning of word recovery is healing.

Yet the recovery program will only help a willing person who was willing to open up and admit that they both want and need to heal so that they no longer feel emotionally vulnerable.

The recovery program will only help people become healthy if they want it.

The recovery program would help me help myself, once I was willing to commit my time and my efforts towards a healthier living.

It all starts with Just today ONLY I will not gamble, once I abstain from one addiction or obsession we stop hurting our self.

The recovery program would help me stop trying to escape in my fears.

By reducing my fears would also help me open up more and trust more.

The healthy people in the recovery program will demonstrate what is healthy to them at that time.

We will start to understand it is very rare for a person to stop Gambling right away, often it is a process of people admitting they gambled recently and that honesty is the basis of how recovery.

Every time we go back to  Gambling we learn how much we were vulnerable before we had our last bet, and start to understand our last emotional trigger was.

Walking in to the recovery is very unsettling, we are admitting we need help, in my thinking I thought people would think I was a weak person.

By listening and sharing our experiences we understand that we are no longer alone, the guilt and regret reduces because we start to understand more about our self and our unhealthy reactions to people life and situations I could not cope with.

Some might think that by admitting we are vulnerable that we can not change our vulnerability.

In our therapies we learn to articulate our self in healthy ways.

The confusion of our thinking that our addition Gambling made us happy, the that buzz was happiness, the truth is the that buzz was not happiness, it was in fact adrenaline based on all of our collective fears.

All the time we live in high levels of fear it was very easy to go in to panic mode and completely loose control of our life and our clear thinking.

The recovery program would help me understand how unhealthy I was, I had after all lost all faith confidence and self esteem in myself, I had in effect got in to the unhealthy habit of beating myself up and calling myself names.

On me walking in to the recovery program I was also very lost and confused and did not how to find a healthy way of living.

By abstaining we stop causing our self further pains, and by stop hurting our self we get some time with reduced pains, yet still  not sure of our selves.

Was one meeting per week enough for me, sadly no I was so emotionally traumatized I needed more time in the meetings, yet by being in recovery there was far less chance of me turning to my gambling addiction.

It is well know that people will be cross addicted before entering the recovery program, or will become cross addicted after entering the recovery program, we understand it is just another away of escaping how vulnerable we still feel.

On seeing and hearing peoples therapy we think that their life is not possible for us, that is lack of confidence and lack of self esteem and over time as we achieve more with our life we find a greater potential in our self.

I use to think and feel that money would make me feel successful, then one day I met a very wealthy person, I asked if you are happy now you have acquired so much money in your life.

The man asked me if I thought his goal in life was money, I sad yes, he laughed, he said my goal in life was never money, my goal in life was to be successful, it was never about money.

He explained that because he was successful in the things he did he received more money, but money was never his goal.


That was a light bulb moment, got me thinking what my goals were.

I now understand that success is about my healthy actions and my my healthy actions words.

Yet on walking in the recovery program my only goal was to stop Gambling, nothing else, I did not fully understand that the recovery would not change my thinking, it would help me make much healthier choices every day in my life.

Just for today I do not want or need to gamble, that is very healthy for me.

Just for today I do not want or need to get drunk, that is very healthy for me.

Just for today I do not want or need to smoke, that is very healthy for me.

Just for today I do not want to hurt myself or other people, that is very healthy for me.

Just for today I do not want to live in any kind of fear, that is very healthy for me.

Just for today I do not want to be angry discontent lonely or inadequate, that is very healthy for me.

The recovery program has helped me help myself more than I ever thought was possible.

How much do I want to love myself today.

How much do I want to value myself today.

How much do I want to respect myself today.

Love and peace to every one.

For me abstaining from my addictions and my obsessions opened up a much healthy life for me and my family than I ever thought was possible.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

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  Did I enjoy living in my unhealthy fears, how much do I want to be healthy today
Posted by: gadaveuk - 01-02-2022, 08:30 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

I found that unresolved unhealed pains and trauma caused  many fears in me.


I would learn that my addictions and obsessions only indicated how emotionally vulnerable I use to be. Finding recovery meetings were places where I could abstain from many unhealthy habits but more importantly heal the hurt inner child in me.

In time I would expose more and more pains and heal many which would reduce the fears in me. The rage in me indicated that the hurt inner child in me was not at peace.

There were many fears for me to face and reduce, fears of being honest, fears of emotional intimacy, fears of being honest and accountable, fears of of letting people seeing the real me, fears of the opposite sex, fears of failure, fears of being found out, fears of rejection, fears of abandonment, fears of Christmas, fears of the Dentist, fears of losing it, fears of losing control, fears of what people thought of me, fears of making a mistake.

Fears of what people thought about me, I use to have fears of computers, then I became a computer engineer on the Atlas computer at London university, so what fear do you face first of all.

It was only by opening up and talking about it, 11 counselor's and her I am today, is living in fear healthy, did living in fear inhibit me from living a much healthy life.

The hardest thing to deal with was my frustrations, this was due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my unreasonable expectations caused me to hurt myself time and time again.

In time I was going to learn to love myself, only when I could love myself could I love other people.

In time I was going to learn to respect myself, only when I could respect myself could I respect other people

In time I was going to learn to be patient and tolerant with myself, only when I could be patient and tolerant with myself, could I be patient and tolerant with all other people.

As I got healthier in my life and reduced my fears was I ready to open up my self the the world.

Only when I admit to myself that I am or was both emotionally vulnerable could I do some thing about it.

Living behind my walls of fears was not healthy for me, it stopped my hurt inner child from coming out to play.

There have been very small children and dogs that warmed towards me.

They saw in me that I had fewer fears in me and were able to play with me. There were seeing my inner child come out to play with out fear holding me back.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK

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  What was recovery for me and how would it change my life
Posted by: gadaveuk - 22-01-2022, 11:38 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

What was recovery for me and how would it change my life.

At the beginning it was just today I will not gamble.

To understand that if I am Gamble I simple make things harder and more painful.

The recovery is about a healing process if you are religious or not.

When I lied indicated indicated how much fear I was living in at that time.

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

To understand my emotional triggers which for me were my pains my fears my frustrations my loneliness and my boredom.

Lies and deceptions were very much feared based issues, sadly I am betraying peoples trust of me.
Lies and deceptions weaken me.

Having a sponsor will help you open up and be more honest and talk things out before you make things much worse.

I use to often think that my wife had no emotional baggage before I married her.

That was not true yet to mention how other people can cope emotionally will not help me face myself and heal myself.

Hence there is the Gamanon roof for our partners and supporters to find healing and resolve for them selves.

Did I hurt my family and friends yes i did yet only in a slow healing process would I heal and then engage with people around me, when they are ready to talk to me again.

In recovery we understand what is healthy and what is unhealthy, yet becoming healthier takes time.

In recovery using good bad right or wrong is not very healthy and sounds like critism.

How can I learn to articulate myself in healthy ways.

How can I learn to open up more and reduce the fears in me.

My lies deceptions and secrets were very much fear based and made people feel I was rejecting them.

Recovery is about healing my hurt inner child, learn to fulfill my healthy needs, learn to fulfill my healthy wants.

Being impatient was an indicate that I was being hard on myself.

For me recovery is about learning to respect our self, learning to love our self, and also learning to be kind and gentle to our self.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  How was the recovery programme was going to help me abstain from one unhealthy habit
Posted by: gadaveuk - 17-01-2022, 11:35 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi


I did not fully appreciate how was the recovery programme was going to help me abstain from one unhealthy habit, then give up other unhealthy habits.

I noticed that being in the recovery program the healing time took much longer than I was ever thought it would.

For me abstaining it took me along time, that was when I was able to stop living and start the healing process.

I understand now that I could not start the healing the pain healing if I was still causing myself further pains.

The best way I can explain what and how recovery works is it is like mountain climbing start from day one, we are tied to each other by the rope of honesty nurturing and encouraging.

There have been many people that think that by abstaining on its own is recovery, not so just by giving up one unhealthy habit is what recovery is all about.

Understanding our emotional triggers was a big thing for me.

My emotional triggers were pains not being healed, fears not being faced, my frustrations, my fears of emotional intimacy and boredom.

I felt very threatened by people saying you have to do this or do that.

I am very much a non religious person.

So once I got some clean time I found that my levels of fear were still high, then I started to understand that every fear I had was a consequence of pains caused up on me.

I started to understand it was not healthy for me to get emotionally involved with new of recovery experiences and I was able to learn to have much healthier relationships with healthy like minded people.  

Often meetings would cause more questions than answers, and over time people would talk after meetings for hours and get help after meetings. 

Being sponsored and doing sponsor work was a great experience for me, it would help me feel more comfortable talking one to one with healthy seeking habits people.

Only when I understood that recovery was a healing process, it made sense.

There were forms of escape, we would like to think that gambling was our only escape, yet once you ask your self how much time was spent of my need to do time made me aware I needed to do more and take on more challenges.

It is difficult to give up unhealthy people relationships. To find better interactions with like minded people.

When people talked about their achievements and goals reached I felt that I was being left behind.

Once I understood if they could achieve some goals just may be I could give it a try.

At one time I did inventories of painful things that happened to me, emotional physical sexual being cut with a knife, cut with a bottle, hit and run twice by car drivers, neglect abandonment, I have ben beaten up by five or six guys, and I am not able to recall the time people have tried to get me to do things which went against my own conscience.

In doing Karate for two years I found that I feared not being beaten up again, but I feared aggression and confrontation, that I feared being the victim and feared being played.

For sure I had been the victim in my child hood, and the question why do people tend to pick on me, why am I  the victim, and then I got it, the reason I was the victim was for two reasons, that people picked on me because they saw them self in me, that certain people saw their emotional vulnerability in me. They did to me what people did to them.

The other reason was I was not able to speak up for myself or set healthy boundaries. And those boundaries are set from a place of peace.

How could you think that risk taking and adrenaline rush was happiness. That nothing was as powerful as being on that buzz.

I had a great fear of talking in front of people, before my recovery and during.

I was invited to talk at a recovery gathering and declined to do so, it was very much fear based and I lacked any forth of value in myself.

A lady told me it was only a short half hour talk and I believed her, so I agreed and then just before the event I was told it was an hour and a half, do I run, do I get angry, was I played.

Then I decided to do it and face my fears. Then I opened up to questions and there was a healthy interaction which helped me understand that my relationship with the group was two way. 

I asked the gathering what else they wanted to ask questions about and was told that we had reached our time and needed to finish, that seemed impossible to me, yet it was true.

I could not believe I had done it and got so much from it, again fear was a big thing for me in my recovery.

In recent years I have got great pleasure from doing talks at a recovery center for over two years. And once there is that open debate people come across so that it is a two way street.

The simple truth recovery is not about wo is right or wrong, it is not even about good or bad, it is all about finding out what is healthy or unhealthy for myself my relationship with my self and with other people.

If I can not be honest with myself I am unable to be honest with other people.

If I can not respect myself I am unable to respect other people.

If I can not love myself I am unable to love other people.

Being an addict is not a selfish thing in truth it is a self destructive thing.

By running away in my fears I was running away from myself.

Only by writing things down could I do some thing about them.

By me writing things down I am being accountable to myself.

What are my needs today.

What are my wants today.

What are my goals today.

How much more time and effort I am willing to invest being a much healthy person today.

How much more self sufficient can I become today.

Since being in recovery I have faced my fears of doing things for the home and for my family.

I have done several jobs laying concrete, I have planed and formed our yard in to some we felt we would both like, I have taken up doing wood work, I have laid out and planned out dry walling the basement, our basement is some thing we are both proud of. 

I have put every effort in to giving up trying to control and regulate other people, I give advice when I asked of it, I was never aware of much more I could do with my life and my time.

I put up triple glazing in our home, I used acrylic sheets which reduces losses yet acrylic sheets do distort when there are huge differences on either side of the acrylic sheets, that causes huge stress in acrylic sheets material. 

I also learned that every tool you buy pays for itself when you have used a few times. Every tool you buy is an investment in myself.

Shirley and I have been to dry wall lessons on several occasions, hard work but well worth it.

The more you learn and do the more confident you get in your self.

I use to be a big time waster, I use to wish my life and time away, I use to fear Mondays and think I could only have fun over the weekends.

Today I do not have to gamble, I do not want to gamble, I do not need to gamble.  

Today I do not have to get drunk, I do not want to get drunk, I do not need to get drunk.  

Today I do not have to smoke, I do not want to smoke, I do not need to smoke.  

Today I do not have to live in fear, I do not want to live in fear, I do not need to live in fear.  

Each time I give up an unhealthy habit indicates how much I value myself and how much my family.

Love and peace to every one 

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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