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Today do I understand tha...
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Why did I think and feel ...
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My emotional triggers and...
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No matter when your last ...
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Dysfunctional what did th...
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It is important to abstai...
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Getting motivated in heal...
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Do I live with a gambler?
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Why fear being Honest
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  Today do I understand that my addiction is not fun, it is risk taking and painful
Posted by: gadaveuk - Yesterday, 08:12 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Before my recovery I use to think that I loved gambling and that life was boring.

When I read step one my life was unmanageable I thought it was because of my gambling and the lack of money.

I am a non religious person and by me being the recovery program would help me understand that my addiction my obsessions were a form of escape, it was also a form of self abuse, to work for hours weeks months years decades and give all my money to compete strangers while I and my family went with out our needs wants and our hope.

The money was just the fuel for my addiction.

That money on its own was never going to give me emotional resolve.

I questioned if a non religious person could become healthy, I was told that the recovery program would help me help myself become healthy and healed.

It required me to dedicate time and energy in to my recovery.

Often people will swap one addiction for another addiction or for an obsession.

By just abstaining on its own only did not work for me.

The recovery program would not me gambling.

The recovery program would not work if I did not do the work in the recovery program.

The recovery program is only a manual if all I do is read text and not do the work in my recovery I was only going to cheat myself.

The gambling establishments did not make me do any thing I did not want to do.

The gambling establishments did not lie to my family and cause them pain, I did.

The ideal situation is to be completely emotionally detached from all forms of gambling.

To not hate them, to not fear them, to see that the gambling establishments is just another business for making money.

For some people the gambling establishments is just a little bit of entertainment, win or lose they just walk away.

Had I not had an addiction I doubt I would have a wasted life being unhealthy and not knowing it.

The recovery program made me aware of how unhealthy I was, the recovery program was not going to fix me.

The recovery program helped me understand that I was a very unhealthy vulnerable person who use to escape from people life and situations I could not cope with.

That my anger as due to my pains not healed.

That my anger as due to my fears not  faced.

That my anger as due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, and when things did not go my way and because of my unreasonable expectations I caused pains over and over again.

In my child hood I suffered many pains, and for each pain caused on to me fears grew in me that I did not understand.

When I walked in to the recovery program I was emotionally traumatized.

I could not articulate my feelings and my emotions, I buried and suppressed my feelings and my emotions, yet I was emotionally traumatized long before my addictions and obsessions.

My addictions and obsessions were just an indicator of how emotionally vulnerable I was.

The recovery program helped me become healthy and mature in myself.

I use to angry all of the time, not is hard to remember when I was last angry.

How much do I value myself today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave of Beckenham

AKA Dave L

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  Why did I think and feel that gambling controlled my life and my thinking
Posted by: gadaveuk - Yesterday, 04:56 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I arrived in the spiritual recovery program not knowing that my unhealthy emotional reactions to life people and situations caused me to live in fear of people life and situations I could not cope emotionally with.

I am a non religious person and today understand that my conscience is based up on spiritual values even though I am non religious when I go against my own conscience I not only hurt other people I hurt myself.

In my recovery I would understand that because I was emotionally vulnerable and use to bury and suppress my feelings and emotions each time I went back to my addictions and obsessions I was reacting in fears most of the time.

My fears of being honest, my fears of being accountable, my fears of being rejection and abandoned, seemed very real to me.

By being in the spiritual recovery program I would learn that I was not a bad person or an evil person simply because I was an emotionally vulnerable person when I felt that I could not cope I would escape in my fears and lack of confidence to my addictions and obsessions.

Each time  aid to myself oh who cares any way at that instant I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself,  I was willing to do or say some thing unhealthy.

The anger in me and the rage in me were indicators that my hurt inner child was not healed, in time I would understand and feel the pains I had suppressed and buried for along time.

I knew that my swearing and aggression and confrontation was very unhealthy, that when I reacted in unhealthy ways I hurt other people and I hurt myself. I caused people to fear and mistrust me.

In recovery I would understand that by saying sorry was not enough, by saying I promise was not enough, if I kept hurting people, if I kept betraying people they feel threatened by me.

At what point would I live for today only, at what point would I set a healthy boundary, just for today only I will not do or say any thing that adversely affects me and other people.

My control issues were all fear based, my lack of accountability to myself were all fear based, my inability to mature and grow up and heal my inner child were all fear based, in time I would learn to value myself.

The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.

The recovery program helped me understand that I could not do it on my own, to become healthy I needed to listen learn and relate from to and from other like minded goal seeking people, to see and feel myself in other people and their experiences both healthy and unhealthy.

The recovery program would help me to help myself only once I started to value myself, just for today I will not gamble, just for today I will not carry excessive amount of money on myself, just for today I will not mix with people who are not in the recovery program.

Today I will mix and interact with like minded spiritual growing people.

Today I will put more time and effort in to my recovery, more time and effort than I put in my addictions and my obsessions.

Today I would learn how to celebrate my accomplishments in healthy ways,  I would learn how to articulate my feelings and my emotions in a non threatening way.

Because of the anger conflict control and intimidation in my child hood I internalized how other people felt, almost like I was responsible for how they were feeling, just because I gave up gambling did not stop me internalizing other people emotional baggage.

I did karate for two only to understand that I enjoyed the physical fighting, what I had big issues with were aggression and confrontation, yet often I was the instigator of aggression and confrontation, did I learn bully habits from my parents.


The recovery program was going to help me help myself become more healthier and more productive.



The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling that had to be my own daily choice.



The recovery program was going to help me exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.



By going to meetings I would learn from other people.


By going to meetings I would relate to other peoples therapies.

Love and peace to every one

Dave of Beckenham

AKA Dave L

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  Dysfunctional what did that mean to me
Posted by: gadaveuk - 20-07-2019, 04:37 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

The word dysfunctional was used in the recovery program.

Yet what did unhealthy dysfunctional behavior mean to me.

Inability to interact with other people made me feel like I was dysfunctional, was it fear of emotional intimacy which made me feel disconnected from other people.

For me blame and justification were unhealthy very dysfunctional behaviors, fear of being honest to myself.

My justification was unhealthy knowing that my unhealthy words and unhealthy actions adversely affected another person.

Could I say that my emotional age was not that of mature person.

By being a perpetrator I was an unhealthy dysfunctional person dumping on other people.

By not being able to communicate and not able to articulate my feelings and emotions I was a very dysfunctional person.

My fear based control issues and my manipulations issues indicated that I was a  dysfunctional person.

I am  a non  religious person yet I embrace spiritual values, which helps me embrace and interact with all people both healthy and unhealthy.

By me living in fear and voiding accountability to myself I was an unhealthy dysfunctional person.

At what point would admit to myself that being a dysfunctional person was unhealthy for me and my family.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Getting motivated in healthy ways towards recovery and healing
Posted by: gadaveuk - 19-07-2019, 04:23 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

On arriving in the recovery program I was emotionally traumatized, I was burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.

Being in the recovery program I would recognize that my motivations were not healthy.

I would procrastinate and avoid doing things I did not feel comfortable with.

My motivations before the beginning of my recovery were anger reluctance resentments and were very unhealthy.

I would learn that by doing things in unhealthy ways I was getting no benefit from doing things.

There is an implication that pride is unhealthy, sadly I did not even know what pride felt like.

In time I would write down my needs my wants and even start to talk about goals.

The truth was I did not value myself or other people, I use to think that if I got some thing for nothing I would feel successful.

Today I understand that being successful is a consequence of my healthy actions and my healthy words.

Today I understand that my pride is a consequence of my healthy actions and my healthy words towards myself and other people.

I am a non religious person and questioned if I could be successful in my recovery if I did not have any kind belief system in my life.

There was a time I was going to church but people who took me were very unhealthy hypocrites who would say one thing spiritual and yet would do some very painful things unhealthy things to me and cause me to live in fears.

The more time I put in to my recovery the more motivated I got in healthy ways.

My pains would heal, my fears would reduce, my trust would grow, my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations would reduce.

My healthy interactions to people life and situations would grow, my fears of emotional intimacy would reduce, the relationship with myself would improve.

Today I am more self sufficient, today I am more patient and tolerant with myself, today I am more patient and tolerant with all other people.

Today I am more willing to ask for help, today I am more caring and loving towards myself.

In order to respect other people I needed to respect myself.

In order to love other people I needed to love myself.

I use to be like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster, the faster and faster I got I lost all focus on things that were valuable to me.

Money was the fuel for my addiction, money was the fuel for me to escape people life and situations.

You take away the money and not heal the hurt inner child I would find other ways of escaping people life and situations.

The addictions and obsessions were the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Only when I got honest with myself, was I unhealthy, was I causing myself pains, was I living in fear all of the time.

What it healthy to be angry all of the time.

What it healthy to work very hard for my money then give it all away to complete strangers while I and my family went with out.

What it healthy to lie, what it healthy to lie to myself, what it healthy to live in denial, I am fine, I am not that bad, etc.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, dd I enjoy living in fear.

It is not possible to change the past.

Serenity helps me understand no one could stop me gambling, that had to be my choice, facing just one day only.

How much time and energy am I willing to invest in to my healing and my recovery today.

How much am I willing to value myself just for today only.

The most important day of my life is today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Why fear being Honest
Posted by: gadaveuk - 18-07-2019, 05:08 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Each time I lied I went against my own conscience more fears grew in me.

Why fear being Honest.

As a child when ever I was honest I was punished for it by physical abuse, emotional abuse, or redicule.

I also feared being honest because I feared being rejected or being abandoned.

How could I come to not fear being honest and feeling emotionally vulnerable.

When I walked in to the recovery program who did I fear facing the most, myself.

Over time I would understand that I was not an evil person, I was not dumb or stupid, I was not a bad person.

Yet I would not be honest to myself about the twenty questions.

The recovery program helped me over come my fears, helped me get honest with myself.

The twenty questions never changed but my answers did change and more so in understanding the depth of each question.

The recovery program helped me open up and not live in so many fears.

The recovery program helped me understand no one was going to fix me or heal me that would be my choice.

I am a non religious and today I understand that when I walked in to the recovery program I was emotionally traumatized, not just because of self abuse in my addictions and my obsessions but more importantly heal from the abuse I suffered as a child.

Dysfunctional insecure people want to keep secrets and lies, a healthy family wants an open honest interactions with all people.

Dysfunctional insecure people will justify causing pain to other people.  

Dysfunctional people are unable to be healthy and free from the pains of their past.

I am a non religious person, yet I am a healthier spiritual person.

The longer I was the recovery program my fears dropped and my trust grew.

The longer I was the recovery program the healthier I got.

The rewards for being a much healthier spiritual person is pride in oneself.

Am I honest to myself today.

Am I accountable to myself today.

When I am honest to myself I am able to apologize if I adversely affect another person.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  My emotional triggers and my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations
Posted by: gadaveuk - 17-07-2019, 04:22 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

Hi

My emotional triggers were not excuses I turned to unhealthy habits.

My emotional triggers indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable that my hurt inner child was not healed.

My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, were my fears not faced. 

My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again. 

My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. 

My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. 

I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today. 

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed. 

My unhealthy reactions were in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today. 

In time I would open up in the recovery program, I would open up to counseling talking about every conscious memory of my past. 

The recovery program helped me set up boundaries for myself.

Just for today I will not be unhealthy, that changes to just for today I will be healthy. 

How can I get stimulated in to more healthy habits today.

Today do I things reluctantly, resentfully, out of penance, out of guilt or shame, do I person please, am I trying to buy friends today, if I do things for unhealthy reasons I get no satisfaction from doing them, I am cheating myself.

There was a person who said at a meeting he was glad that he was a compulsive gambler, my first reaction to his comments he was nuts, then he explained that by being a compulsive gambler he found out how unhealthy he was.

I seriously did not know how unhealthy I use to be, I honestly thought that gambling controlled my life.

By working my non religious recovery I am healthier than I was when I was about seven years of age.

Things that use to make me very angry now make me laugh.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse and self denial.

Did I enjoy burying and suppressing my pains feelings and my emotions.

Did I enjoy being a dysfunctional person.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  No matter when your last bet was, if you have no money please go to meetings
Posted by: gadaveuk - 17-07-2019, 02:04 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

Hi

I have lost count of times I went back to my addictions and obsessions.

I have lost count of times I have beaten myself up and called myself names.

That is not healthy.

My recovery today is about my progress not perfection.

The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.


The recovery program helped me understand that I could not do it on my own, to become healthy I needed to listen learn and relate from to and from other like minded goal seeking people, to see and 
feel myself in other people and their experiences both healthy and unhealthy.

By going to meetings in time you will understand your emotional triggers, you will understand why you are emotionally vulnerable.

The recovery program is a healing process, as you to meetings your fears will reduce, your trusts will grow, and my physical age and emotional age got closer.

With each lie comes growing fears.

It is important that we abstain from unhealthy habits before healing can happen.

It is not possible to start healing process if we are still hurting our self.

Recovery takes time, money was never going to give me emotional resolve.

Once I give up talking about money gambling and being in action I can start getting focused on today and my future.

Just for today I will not gamble is a boundary that I set for myself to say just for today only I will not hurt myself.

The strength of the recovery program is when your wording changes from just for today I will not to just for today I will fulfill my needs, just for today I will fulfill my wants, and just for today I will extend my goals.

I needed to be honest committed and accountable to myself.

Love peace and best wishes to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  It is important to abstain from unhealthy habits before the healing process can start
Posted by: gadaveuk - 16-07-2019, 11:02 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (4)

Hi
I am a non religious person and questioned if the spiritual recovery would work for me.
I walked in to recovery emotionally traumatized, I was not able to articulate what my feelings were.
Eventually I Gave up talking about lost money gambling and being in action and then gave a therapy talking about my vulnerability and my lack of coping skills.
As other like minded people shared we wanted to be able to express our feelings towards our self and towards other people.
I got to understand that every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.
The consequences of unresolved fears is a tendency to go in to panic mode and feel you are not in control of your life.
So part of my recovery was to face my fears, why did I procrastinate, why fear exposing my sellf and my feelings, why fear being abandoned, why fear failure, why fear rejection and abandonment, why fear showing how vulnerable I was, why fear being honest, why fear what people think of me.
Before my recovery is I use to be angry most of the time.
Now it is hard to remember when I was last angry.
Asking for help indicates how much I value myself.
Writing down my lists is important, is helps me get accountable to myself.
Each item I do I cross out, no matter if I do not get all things done it is important to get some thing done.
The more I get done the more I am committed to healthy habits.
I get great pleasure being productive in every avenue of my life.
I also get great pleasure when people get that light bulb moment when they understand more about recovery.
Every six weeks I attend a recovery center and me with another person we talk about addictions and obsessions.
When people ask questions we find that hey are stimulated in to understanding what recovery means to them.
The sooner people get in to recovery the more successful they are.
It is often implied that pride is not healthy, my thinking is the exact opposite, pride is the reward we give our self for being spiritually, pride is the reward we give our self for our healthy actions and for our healthy words.
For me recovery is living fully for today, moving from unhealthy reactions towards healthy interactions.
My unhealthy reactions helps me understand that I am not completely healed and healthy.
Not mixing with people in action is important to my recovery, sadly unhealthy people will adversely affect my recovery.
Each pain in my life caused fears I did not understand, in recovery I would heal my pains and face my fears.
I did not enjoy being angry, I did not enjoy feeling inadequate insecure impatient intolerant lonely lost and not having healthy motives.
The recovery program opened up my eyes to understand how unhealthy I was.
It is my choice to do some thing about moving from unhealthy to healthy.
I am humbled to honesty today,  I am humbled to equal to all people today, I am humbled to become the healthiest person I can be today.
The only person that limits me today is myself.
How successful do I want to feel in myself today.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
AKA Dave L

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  Recovery is all about healthy healing I am a non religious person.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 14-07-2019, 03:46 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

I am a non religious person.
The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.
The recovery program helped me understand that I could not do it on my own, to become healthy I needed to listen learn and relate from to and from other like minded goal seeking people, to see and feel myself in other people and their experiences both healthy and unhealthy. 
Today I have more balance in my life which helped me move from obsessive to being even more even balanced balanced in my life in my needs wants and my goals today. 
The recovery program helped me understand that my addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse and also a form of neglect.
That my addictions and my obsessions were a form of escape and ways of deviating dealing with people life and situations.
The fears that made me feel vulnerable that I identified were my fear of rejection and my fear of abandonment, fear of failure, fear of humiliation, fear of being honest, fear of I had fear of commitment, fear of intimidation aggression and confrontation, fear of accepting a compliment, fear of success, fear of of being myself, fear of emotional intimacy, fear of trusting people, fear of being shown up.
Of my emotional triggers frustrations were the hardest to over come, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of life people and situations when they they do not go my way I use to internalize things.

Is showing my gratitude and appreciation is an expression of my healthy values today.
Is showing my gratitude and appreciation an expression of how much people mean to me today.
Or do I think today that I can still heal more of my vulnerability today.
Rewarding my self and complimenting our self was a healthy habit I needed to learn for myself.
The gambling was about escape and my emotional triggers.
Today I am healthier, today I do not need to escape to unhealthy habits.
The wording I use to use were, I have to, that implied that I was obsessive in my thinking.
Today I understand I have needs, I have wants, and I have goals which are healthy.
In the recovery program I would learn to be more and more emotionally detached from all addictions and obsessions for me in being spiritually healthy.
The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.
The gambling establishments never lied to my family, I did.
The gambling establishments never made me steal, I did.
The gambling establishments were places I went to escape when I was emotional vulnerable and could not cope with people life and situations.
Long before my addictions and my obsessions I was risk taking, I was avoiding, I was not being honest and open.
A time came when I decided to become selfish in my recovery and my healing, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions. 
I had unfortunately got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.
Over time as I peeled back the onion and exposed more of myself the tears would flow and the healing process would start.
Our conscience is based up on healthy spiritual values, sadly when we go against our own conscience we cause our self pains.
People will often deeply fear step four, step four is about understanding what is healthy or unhealthy and recognizing it over time, the change with in us will take time, but in taking recovery seriously our unhealthy habits will change in to healthy habits.
Every painful event and trauma in my life had consequences on me and my development, I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, I suffered neglect and abandonment, I suffered humiliation and put down, I suffered all kind of bullying and manipulations.
Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure, was I a perpetrator in my life, yes for sure, was I a rescuer in my life yes for sure, for me today all of these are very unhealthy habits.
Why was it that I was always picked on and by who, the reason I was picked on was because I was very emotionally vulnerable, the people who picked on me were in fact victims them selves who never healed from the pains of their past.
The consequences of having suffered so many pains in my life was a build up of fears that I did not understand or recognize, also I was going to build high walls of fear around me to protect that hurt little child, sadly those high walls of fear around me were going to stop me getting out and having healthy intimate relationships with other people.
What is love, people will often say that they love gambling they love money cars houses etc.
Today for me love is about having healthy intimate interactive relationships with people and living creatures, love is about having a healthy relationship with my self, love is about giving of myself unconditionally, no expectations what so ever, love is about being content with the person I am today, able to love other people unconditionally who ever they are and to not change them.
It was very important for me to put much more time and effort in to my recovery than I put in to addictions and obsessions 
The addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping in my fears, the addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.
The addictions and obsessions were a form of self abuse, going with out my needs my wants and not having any goals in my life.
It can be argued that we feel that we are not worthy of any thing, that we cheat our self from treating our self nicely.
My default reaction was is guilt and shame and feeling unworthy of good things.
I will save it for best, it is to expensive.
I could not compliment myself, I could not validate myself.
Because of the large number of pains occurred in my life fears grew with in me I did not understand or even recognize
Sadly the very same walls of fears built to protect me caused me to fear emotional intimacy, it took a long time to open up my heart and my mind to healthy interactions with like minded healthy spiritual goal setting people. 
A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions. 
The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me.
I had unfortunately got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.
Over time as I peeled back the onion and exposed more of myself the tears would flow and the healing process would start.
People will often deeply fear step four, step four is about understanding what is healthy or unhealthy and recognizing it over time, the change with in us will take time, but in taking recovery seriously our unhealthy habits will change in to healthy habits.
Every painful event and trauma in my life had consequences on me and my development, I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, I suffered neglect and abandonment, I suffered humiliation and put down, I suffered all kind of bullying and manipulations.
Today for me love is about having healthy intimate interactive relationships with people and living creatures, love is about having a healthy relationship with my self, love is about giving of myself unconditionally, no expectations what so ever, love is about being content with the person I am able to love who ever they are and to not change them.
I use to say to myself that I wanted to be normal, in recovery I would find out that the reference of normal people is not very healthy, so in my recover I wanted to be healthier than the reference used as a normal person. the recovery program I would embrace healthy spiritual values yet I am not a religious person. 
The consequences of my painful life was I unable retain and understand healthy education and was unable to grow emotionally so that my emotional age and my physical age did not match. 
As I face each fear and my fears reduce my trust grows slowly and my ability to interact in healthy ways grows. 
I had as a teenager tried to take my own life and woke up the next morning feeling even more of a complete failure. This painful period was very much suppressed and buried for the earlier part of my adult life. Once the time of my suicide was unveiled it was a very healthy healing process. 
By being in the recovery program we heal from the pains of our past the pains of the past become our strength today. 
I understand today that by going to the recovery program and sticking with it, I am not only a survivor but more importantly I value myself more than ever before. I set boundaries for myself and my well being, by set boundaries for myself I am no longer the victim and I value myself. 
Today I no longer fear emotional intimacy. 
Today I willing to over come procrastination and avoid justifications which for me are not healthy
I use to be a very vulnerable volatile person, I was so unstable my family use to fear me and mistrust me.
Every promise was a waste of time, I could not believe in myself, low self esteem, inadequate insecure inept, sadly I was unable to love other people because I did not love myself, I was unable to respect other people because I did not respect myself. 
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced. 
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again. 
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today. 
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed. 
My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today. 
In time I would open up in the recovery program, I would open up to counseling talking about every conscious memory of my past. 
The recovery program helped me set up boundaries for myself.
Just for today I will not be unhealthy, that changes to just for today I will be healthy. 
What is happiness, for me happiness is being content with who I am today, who I am with today, where I am and what I have today. 
Money was never going to buy me happiness. 
Money was never going to heal my hurt inner child. My control issues were fear based. 
My impatience intolerance was an indicator that I was hard and cruel on myself. Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure. That changes when I am able to speak up for myself from a place of peace.
My conscience is based up on spiritual values, yet I am a non religious person today. 
I use to say that I wanted justice, sadly that was not true, I was wanting vengeance to transfer my pains fears and frustrations on to other people.
The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was a very unhealthy emotionally vulnerable person. 
Do I escape in any other way today. 
For me the recovery program is not about who is right or wrong, is not about who is good or bad, it is for me about myself becoming a healthier person emotionally, becoming a healthier person who respects all spiritual values, non religious of course. 
I am not able to respect other people until I am able to respect myself, I am not able to love other people until I am able to love myself, I asked my wife Shirley what is love she told me it was giving of your self unconditionally. 
Before my recovery my actions and my words were conditional, once in my recovery I got to understand that having my unreasonable expectations I caused pains up on myself, only once I reduce my expectations and gave of myself unconditionally then I would stop hurting myself and causing myself further pains. 
Am I afraid to face myself in any way today, do I react in unhealthy ways today, or do I interact in healthy ways today. 
Am I a walker or a talker today. 
Do my healthy words today match my actions. 
Because of the anger conflict control and intimidation in my child hood I internalized how other people felt, almost like I was responsible for how they were feeling, just because I gave up gambling did not stop me internalizing other people emotional baggage.
I did karate for two only to understand that I enjoyed the physical fighting, what I had big issues with were aggression and confrontation, yet often I was the instigator of aggression and confrontation, did I learn bully habits from my parents.
Today I understand that my control issues were very much fear based issues.
Money was never going to make me feel successful in myself, money just gave me more choices of things to buy or places to go, before my recovery I use to take my own worst enemy with me. Myself.
The recovery program was going to help me help myself become more healthier and more productive.
The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling that had to be my own daily choice.
The recovery program was going to help me exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
By going to meetings I would relate to other peoples therapies.
By attending the recovery program in time I would start to feel and heal.
In other peoples therapies I would learn how to cope with people life and situations in a much healthier way.
The recovery program helped me understand what my emotional triggers were.
The recovery program helped me learn how to interact with people rather than react in unhealthy ways.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy, my feelings of boredom because I felt that life was boring, that I could succeed, that I avoided facing being accountable and I avoided facing challenges in my life.
My unhealthy reaction in my anger was due to my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I use to think that being angry was healthy, not today being angry is not healthy in any way for me today.
My unhealthy reaction in my anger caused further aggression and confrontation, my anger caused people to fear me.
I want every one to be free of all fears towards me today.
As our fears fade our trust grows, once we heal that hurt inner child our inner child comes out to play. 
As our fears fade when we no longer fear rejection or abandonment, we no longer fear failure, we no longer fear being our self.
The more I escaped indicated how much fear was inhibiting me from having a healthy intimate life with myself and with other people.
My addiction and obsessions was a form of escape from people life and situations when I was emotionally vulnerable.
Being accountable to myself helped me be more honest with other people.
Each time I went to Gamble I was hurting myself and causing myself more and more pain and emotional trauma.
By abstaining from my addictions reduced the pains I was causing myself.
By abstaining from one addiction did not stop me trying to escape in other ways to another addiction or obsessions.
I want to be free of all fears today.
I want to be able to trust myself once more.
Yet by attending meetings I would start to relate to other people, I would be able to articulate my feelings and my emotions, I would be able to see in myself both healthy and unhealthy habits.
In time I would heal the hurt inner child in me.
In time I would be able to live life with out fear and self doubt any more.
My conscience is spiritual based, and I am able to interact with people today in healthy ways rather than react in unhealthy ways today.
My unhealthy reactions in anger indicated to me that my hurt inner child was not healed.
The recovery program helped me heal in so many ways I did not think was possible.
Thank you every one for your sharing strength and your honesty.
In my recovery I would find out that that I was emotionally vulnerable and use to escape people life and situations.
Keeping with the recovery program was about coming out of myself and being able to articulate my feelings and emotions.
The recovery program helped me understand that my life was emotionally unmanageable long before my addictions and obsessions occurred.
My inability to share myself indicated that I had fears of emotional intimacy long before my addictions and obsessions.
Sadly when I walked in to the recovery program I did not know that I was burying and suppressing my feelings and emotions.
My anger was due to my pains not being healed.
My anger was due to my fears not being faced.
My anger was due to my frustrations because of my high expectations of people life and situations..
I had fears in me which were a consequence of unresolved and unhealed pains in my child hood.
The recovery program helped me help myself become healthy once more.
Once I put a lot of time and effort in to my recovery and handed over all of my finances and started to abstain my recovery was going to become much easier.
The money was just the fuel for my addiction.
I did not respect myself and I did not respect money.
I was unable to show appreciation and gratitude sincerely.
It was important for me to understand and learn each time I went back to gamble or another addiction what or an obsession what my emotional triggers were. 
The recovery program helped me understand that I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster getting no where healthy.
Every action has consequences, every healthy action has healthy consequences, every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences.
The recovery program works for any one who is fully committed towards healthy living.
The recovery program helped me understand that abstaining from unhealthy habits was not a fight but in fact a complete surrender, the person I was fighting was myself, the person I feared facing the most was myself.
Only once I surrender completely and live one day at a time, just for today I will not gamble. It is a boundary I set for myself to no longer live in fear and escape.
I found out that time off my addictions did not mean that my inner child was healed.
Just for today I will not gamble. It is a boundary I set for myself to no longer live in fear and escape and to not hurt myself any more.
Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I had huge fears of emotional intimacy.
Before my recovery I could not admit to myself I was emotionally vulnerable.
Before my recovery I could not be honest and accountable to myself.
I was able to abstain from my addiction yet was not fully committed towards my recovery.
For me to abstain only and do nothing else than just go to work was white knuckling my recovery.
The recovery program was going to help me fill my life with healthy habits.
The prefect idea of recovery is to move from isolating myself to interacting with people and get out and about.
For me to exchange an unhealthy habit in to healthy habits.
By being more accountable to myself and honest with myself I was going to come out of my shell built of fears.
By writing down my needs, writing down my wants, and writing down my goals I was going to extend myself in so many ways.
At the recovery meetings I was going to expose more and more of myself through my therapies and to able to articulate my feelings and emotions in healthy ways.
criticism 
My fear of being honest would reduce, I would trust more, I would come out of myself even more.
The recovery program was going to help me heal my hurt inner child.
The addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping in my fears, the addictions and obsessions were a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable.
One of my addictions was to drink, that was because I could not cope emotionally.
When I went to the addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.
Each time I went to gambling was a form of self abuse, working for days weeks months and giving all my money to a complete stranger.
Did I not value myself. Did I think I had no value.
I thought I needed to drink to over come my fears and be able to mix with other people.
The highs of my compulsive gambling were very heightened due to anticipation excitement the thought of risk taking fear and adrenaline.
Guilt is self inflicted pain due to the fact I went against my own conscience and against spiritual values.
I could not love other people until I loved myself.
I could not respect other people until I respected myself.
Sadly due to painful child hood trauma I built walls of fear to protect my hurt inner child.
Later in my life I would identify that that high wall built on fears was going to stop me having intimate relationships with other people.
The recovery program should not became an obsession yet working our recovery program helps us understand more about what is healthy or unhealthy.
By crossing off things we do as we do them helps us feel we are being accomplished in a healthy way by our actions and our words.
The recovery program is about healing and our recovery, for me it is non religious.
Sadly healing and my recovery could not occur if I was not admitting my pains and my fears to myself.
Just for today I will not Gamble is a healthy boundary that means I no longer want to hurt myself any more.
Just for today I will not Gamble and will not smoke means I am exchanging another unhealthy habit, yet just for today I will means my dedication towards being more productive today.
My wording I used I have to indicated that my thinking was obsessive, I then worked out what were my needs, what were my wants, what were my goals, and writing them down and making my lists made me more accountable to myself.
I also became more selfish about my recovery, not doing things resentfully or reluctantly, also doing things unconditionally, to do things and not expecting any thin in return, that reduced my frustrations and my disappointments.
For me counselling was the time when deep seated emotional trauma came to surface and I started to cry when exposing the pains of my past.
There was one memory that was very painful, it was of a time when I was abandoned and sent on a train to a place where emotional pain and physical pains were very regular.
During this time of exposing myself fully other suppressed memories came out and I so traumatized that it took me over 11 days to process every emotion and feeling that came out.
During this healing time I felt very sluggish, I felt very disconnected, but after the 11 days I was very much more aware and more alert and I had a much faster response time.
I often talk to my wife about dreams on first waking up and find it is helpful.
The healthy people in the recovery program would help me come out of myself, they would help me give therapies where I would expose more and more of myself.
People often ask me if I have not gambled in some time why go to meetings, the answer is that by mixing with like minded people who are seeking healthier lives we find out that we are being challenged in so many ways, our steel is being tested, things that use to make me respond in anger now make me laugh.
As we work on our recovery things will for sure happen that we once found were impossible to cope with, today are happening because our steel is being tested, our emotional vulnerability reduces, our emotional loneliness reduces and our fear of emotional intimacy reduces.
There were times in my life that I buried my pains and put on a facade to hide what was truly going on with in me.
Our subconscious reaction is a kind of honesty that makes us aware that not is well with in us and our inner child is still hurting.
Only by acknowledging this honest unhealthy subconscious reaction can we do some thing about it.
Also in my child hood I had needs wants that were not fulfilled, to be nurtured, to be shown affection and intimacy, to feel protected and also shown healthy ways in my life.
Sadly because of the fears aggression and confrontation of the adults in my child hood they were unable to have intimacy with me.
Because in comparison I would ask why is was that other children in out side families got shown so much affection so much intimacy, that it had some thing to do about me, that I was unlovable.
In my recovery I would understand that because adults in my child hood were unable to be nurturing affectionate and protective towards them self they were unable to be nurturing affectionate and protective they were unable to be nurturing affectionate and protective towards me.
Those very same wall built on my fears that protected my hurt inner child, would stop me from having intimate relationships with other people.
Part of recovery is improving our values, to express my gratitude and appreciation, in every way possible, to not take things for granted.
By me expressing my gratitude and appreciation I was showing how much I valued peoples interactions and things.
Yes for sure it makes sense to me today.
To move from full painful trauma to being an open loving book takes time to heal and get my ass motivated toward healthy habits.
No person pleasing today.
No more doing things reluctantly or resentfully today.
Understanding our needs and fulfilling them, understanding our wants and fulfilling them and rewarding our self with healthy things.
Setting goals to achieve more healthy things in our life.
When we forgive our self we will be able to laugh at our self.
To understand how we use to think and how we use to react in such unhealthy ways.
A healthy recovery has nothing what so ever to do with luck what so ever.
We are very fortunate that we find a place to find a healthier way of living.
Due to their aggression and confrontation there in a way emotional abandoning me, they were there but not there in intimate ways.
Often in past I use the wording that I wanted justice, this was not honest or correct, what I was wanting was vengeance, I was in effect transferring my pains fears and my frustrations on to other people.
This bitter twisted sadistic streak in me caused people to react in unhealthy towards me.
In time people learned to fear me.
Being in the recovery program helped me heal and live a healthy life once more.
In time your fears will reduce and you will be able to be your self in so many ways.
As your fears reduce your trust will grow.
When pains reduce, when fears are faced, the healing process starts.
When I walked in to recovery program I did not know how unhealthy I was.
The money was the fuel for my addiction, you can take away the money yet that would not reduce me wanting to escape people life and situation I could not cope with emotionally.
On first walking in to the recovery there were many people who were religious and would imply that the only way to a healthy recovery was taking up a religious belief.
That did not work for me I am a non religious person yet I do believe in spiritual values and healthy living.
Handing over our fiances was very difficult for me.
I felt that by me controlling our fiances was a control issue for me.
Handing over our fiances made me feel more insecure.
Yet the truth was because I was so emotionally vulnerable I could not at that point in time be trusted with our finances.
The question to answer how much money did I need each day.
As I got healthy some times there was money left at the end of the week.
Understanding what my emotional triggers were was critical to my having a healthy recovery.
There were people who would say that emotional triggers were just excuses, that for me demonstrates ignorance and certainly confuses people.
It is also quoted it is not important to know why we gambled, that for me demonstrates ignorance and certainly confuses people.
I do not talk about money or being in action, it is not healthy for me and often will unsettle other people and adversely affect other peoples recovery.
What were the consequences of my unhealthy habits.
How can I exchange my unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.
After breaking out many times I understood that clean time can not be lost
With step four it is about understanding our self and learning from our past what was healthy and what was unhealthy.
Money lost represented my time lost working hard for it.
At one time I thought that people goals were to get lots of money.
That lots of money would make me happy.
One day I was at a very big expensive home.
I asked the owner if he was happy having reached his goal of having lots of money.
He asked me if I thought his goal in life was money. I said yes.
He corrected me, his goal in life was to be successful, the result of being successful was money.
His goal in life was never money
Just by sharing with one person at a deep level I understood what success was.
My success today in my recovery is to be healthy and productive, the consequences of my my success today is pride in myself and pride in my family.
Every action has consequences, healthy actions has healthy consequences, unhealthy actions has unhealthy consequences.
By sitting on my hands doing nothing but abstain from my addictions was me white knuckling my recovery.
Am I willing to be completely selfish in becoming healthy.
The addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was not a healthy person and I was emotionally vulnerable..
How much time and energy am I willing to place in to my recovery and my healing today.
Each time I said to myself oh cares any way was the instant I was giving up all faith and hope in myself.
Being in the recovery I would understand how emotionally unhealthy I was, I would start to understand my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
The money was just the fuel for my addictions, I would find no emotional resolve through money.
All the time I was chasing my money lost I was living in the past and causing myself and other more pains and suffering.
Just for today is about setting boundaries for myself.
Just for today I will not gamble is not about any type of gambling or addiction, just for today I will not gamble is a boundary that means I am not willing to hurt myself or any one else any more, just for today I will not gamble means that just for today I am going to value myself.
The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling, that had to be my own conscious choice.
The recovery was going to help me understand each of my emotional triggers.
The healthy people in the recovery program was going to help me and nurture me in to exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, in my work time, in my want time, and in my family time.
The simple sad fact that when we walk in to the recovery program we have already been survivors, we have already understood by our guilt and remorse we have gone against our own conscience, we have gone against our instincts and said and done things that were very unhealthy to us and to other people.
I am a non religious person and yet I have achieved so much that at one time I thought was impossible.
I am able to be more stable and more at peace with in myself and with other people.
The pains of my past caused fears in me that I did not understand or even know about.
Am I willing to be completely selfish in becoming healthy.
My addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was an unhealthy person.
My addictions and obsessions were just symptoms that I was an emotionally vulnerable person.
Until I am admitted to myself that I was unhealthy no one could help me help myself.
Your ability to be honest and open indicates you have over come your fears of rejection and abandonment also indicates you are able to over come your fears of emotional intimacy.
For me my honesty helped me to be able to interact with other people in healthier ways.
In time my guilt and shame were reduced with having confidence and pride with in myself.
Every exchange of unhealthy habits in to healthy habits and helped me become more productive in every avenue of my life.
For me saying to myself I will never gamble again indicated I thought that I could control gambling.
I gave up saying I will never gamble again and stayed focused on just for today I will not gamble, this kind of boundary helped me accept my emotional vulnerability.
As I heal the pains of my child hood my fears reduce, my ability to interact in healthy ways grew.
I use to think that gambling was exciting fun stimulating and even thought that I loved gambling.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed, my fears not faced, my frustrations were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, my boredom was due to me not being motivated, and my loneliness was due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
Only when I was able to love myself was I able to love other people.
Only when I was able to respect myself was I able to respect other people.
I use to say to myself I wanted to be normal, today I understand that what normal people say and do to each other is not very healthy.
The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me.
It was very important for me to write down my needs, to write down my wants, to write down my goals.
This helped greatly in bringing clarity and focus in to my days recovery.
Being in recovery I would learn and understand my unhealthy reactions towards people life and situations.
Each pain in me that was not healed or resolved caused fears in me that I did not understand.
Part of my recovery was to identify face each fear and understand it.
Give each fear a number out of 10.
The question to ask myself what is the very worst that can happen and am I willing to accept the very worst that can happen, once I do so the level of fear drops from 10 out of 10 to less than 5 out of 10.
It was very important to take my biggest fear on first of all.
Once we face our biggest fear head on, every fear after that one get easier.
It can be argued that we feel that we are not worthy of any thing, that we cheat our self from treating our self nicely.
Before my recovery when asked in to an office I always assumed I had done some thing wrong, that was an instant reaction, almost like it came from my sub conscious child hood.
I could not compliment myself, I could not validate myself.
By working my recovery program I was going to be able to help myself become healthier and less vulnerable.
The recovery program is a way of us learning how unhealthy I was but more important how I could heal and become whole and healthy and fearless once more today.
The recovery program helped me face and reduce my fears and live a full productive life.
There was a time I thought and felt that life was boring and today there are not enough hours in the day, I do know that the world did not change for me, but I have in fact became motivated in much healthier ways today.
I wake up with more motivation today than I ever before my recovery.
Before my recovery I use to dread getting up in the morning, my motivation was very unhealthy.
By writing down my needs, writing down my wants, and writing down my goals I was going to extend myself in so many ways.
By writing down things I am getting more focused on things in my life.
By writing down things I am getting more clarity and understand setting best sequences to get things done.
Because of my fears and nervousness lack of confidence and low self esteem I found it hard to stay focused on one thing at a time.
I found that change was hard for me, at one time I use to fear Saturday mornings.
One Saturday asked me how I was feeling, I told her I felt emotionally vulnerable and that I feel very nervous Saturday mornings.
Shirley said get your jacket on, why I asked, she said we are going some where, where I asked, she said she did not know but we would know once we got there.
As it happens we finished up at a ten pin bowling alley, and at the end of the day we decided it was great fun.
Well after that we went ten pin bowling every Saturday Shirley my son Mark and I and over time I no longer feared Saturday mornings.
Filling my life today is very easy now, things I use to think were boring I find stimulating for me.
My fears of change I now take as a challenge.
Time and money are well spent these days.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced. 
My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again. 
My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy. My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today. 
My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed. 
My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
My unhealthy reactions told me that my hurt inner child was not completely healed.
It took me over forty years to learn that my anger was due to pains not healed, fears not faced, and to my frustrations.
When I use to lash out I use to say to myself I wanted justice, that was not true I wanted vengeance. 
Now how much do I understand my recovery today.
How much am I at peace with my inner child today.
I have had 11 counselors, I have attended over 4900 meetings, I have cried my eyes out, I have laughed till it hurt, I have done one bucket list journey with one person, I have had a full day of cancer surgery, I have over come my fears of the opposite sex, I have told my father that I loved him at his death place, I have told my son I love him and trust him, I have told my mother that I loved her just before she died, I have learned to be the healthiest person I can be today.
The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that my hurt inner child was not healed.
Why go to meetings today, it has nothing to do about gambling today, it has nothing to do about money today, the reason I go to meetings today is because I want to be even more healthier than I am today, there is so much more potential in me even today.
In the meetings we are all an equal, no matter time off, no matter how successful we are.
The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.
The recovery program works like a team of like minded people, reaching new levels of skill.
I have no control over the gambling establishments, they are there to make money.
The gambling establishments never made me do any thing I did not want to do.
The gambling establishments never lied to my family, I did.
The gambling establishments never made me steal, I did.
The gambling establishments were places I went to escape when I was emotional vulnerable and could not cope with people life and situations.
Long before my addictions and my obsessions I was risk taking, I was stealing, I was not being honest and open.
A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions.
The question is how much do I want to be healthier today, how much time and effort am I worth today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Success is over coming procrastination and getting my needs done, getting my wants done, getting honest with Success is being the healthiest person I can be today.
Success is understanding my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again. 
Success is being content sincere mature healed and whole with in myself today.
Success is understanding that by being alone and isolated on my own is not a healthy way to live my life today.
Success is understanding that I can live today with out my addiction obsessions or adversely affecting 
Success is over coming procrastination and getting my needs done, getting my wants done, getting honest with Success is being the healthiest person I can be today.
Success is honest and accountable to myself.
Success is understanding my emotional triggers, my pains not healed.
Success is understanding my my fears not faced.
Success is understanding my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. 
By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again.
Success is understanding my emotional triggers of my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
Success is understanding my emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people.
Success is understanding I can embrace change towards healthy habits today.
Success is understanding I can reduce my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
Success is acknowledging my unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
Success is not taking on unhealthy peoples emotional baggage on board today.
Success is being content sincere mature healed and whole with in myself today.
Success is understanding that I work better in a team of like minded people.
Success is understanding that I can live today with out my addiction obsessions or adversely affecting myself or other people.
Success is understanding that honesty is the best policy today.
Please keep going to meetings, you will benefit from it in so many ways.
Love and peace to every one.
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  The people in the spiritual recovery program were going to help me help myself
Posted by: gadaveuk - 14-07-2019, 03:02 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
I use to think that some one or some thing would stop me gambling, it did not happen that way, the only person that could stop me gambling was myself.
The people in the spiritual recovery program were going to help me help myself to become a much healthier person.
I use to think that I loved Gambling that it was fun and exciting, now today I understand that my addiction my Gambling was a way or me escaping people life and situations when I could not cope emotionally.
I feel that using wording like good or bad or right or wrong are not very healthy.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program feeling that gambling controlled my life, by the way I am a non religious person, I do believe in spiritual values yet not in religion way, gambling was a way of me deviating facing myself, deviating facing responsibility for my life and my actions.
I understand that any one can find a healthy life in the recovery program, for me recovery means healing, and in time I would acknowledge that my inner child had been hurting for a very along time.
The healthy people in the recovery program would demonstrate healthy interactions with myself and with other people.
The healthy people in the recovery program would help me over come my fears, one a one to one basis people would demonstrate nurturing and encouraging to me, healthy people would demonstrate how to be honest with out adversely affecting other people or myself, would demonstrate how to be free of all fears in being honest and being myself.
In my life the more risk taking the higher the levels of fear in me, with each lie came more fears.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program feeling so ignorant as to how unhealthy I was, over time I would understand that living in any kind of fear was disabling for me in my growth and with relationships with other people.
I was and am still today a non religious person, if any person who sticks with the spiritual recovery program will find that unhealthy feelings of guilt shame regret anger jealousy envy hatred fear those unhealthy feelings will be replaced with faith hope pride confidence and pride in oneself.
As I took the spiritual recovery program more seriously investing time and effort I found that my feelings towards myself changed.
For me the spiritual recovery program was understanding what spiritual values are all about.
Even though I am a nonreligious person I embrace all healthy spiritual values.
For me the spiritual recovery program I was understanding how inept inadequate and how insecure I was, in time I would heal that hurt inner child.
As a child I experienced emotional abuse, I experienced sexual abuse, I experienced physical abuse, I experienced abandonment, I also experienced neglect.
As a child I experienced fear of my parents and I experienced fear of emotional intimacy, in time I would open up more and become content and whole.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program feeling very inept as a man, feeling very inept as a husband, feeling very inept as a person.
I did not understand that I felt I was not responsible for my actions, long before my addictions and obsessions.
In my life I have played the part of victim perpetrator and rescuer and for me none of those rolls are healthy in any way.
Today I understand that every perpetrator has been a victim at some time or other, that today I have empathy for those unhealthy perpetrators.
Today I understand that my life was unmanageable emotionally long before my fist bet or my fist drink or my first obsession, that I also understand there are unhealthy and healthy ways to get things or do things in our life today.
I encourage people to question and understand every avenue of their recovery, to be stimulated and excited by taking up healthy habits.
People find it strange that I am very pleased that I am a compulsive gambler because without the spiritual recovery program I would have never found out how emotionally unhealthy I was and how much I was missing not living a spiritual world.
I am very much a nonreligious person.
The spiritual recovery program feeling helps me help myself become a healthy spiritual person one day at a time taking slow baby steps each and every day.
How hard could it be for me to grasp that step one was about surrender acceptance strength and understanding when I felt emotionally vulnerable and to understand what my emotionally triggers were.
The more I get in to the spiritual recovery program the more I understand accept the serenity prayer.
The spiritual recovery program never stopped me gamble, that was my choice, I know for sure that each time I gambled it made my life much worse.
With my addiction of gambling I was getting more and more weaker, as the lies grew my fears grew, as my fears grew I feared more and more emotional intimacy with other people, even with the very people that loved me.
I was born completely fearless.
By adult age I was filled with fears due to the pains of my child hood.
At adult physical age I was already emotionally stunted.
Pains were never healed if they were buried or suppressed, my rage and anger were an indicator my pains were never healed or resolved.
So with each fear I would need to face them one by one, in asking asking myself what is the worst that could happen with each event and each fear over time my fears would fade to very small little levels.
In understanding I felt emotionally vulnerable when I could not heal the pain I was in, when I could not face the fears I was feeling, when I could not understand my frustrations I was going through, when I could not deal with my feelings of loneliness and isolation I use to put myself through and I could not deal with my feelings of boredom.
Is the life I am living today the same as the first day I walked in to the spiritual recovery program not at all today
I do have lots more choices in how to live my life today
I often use to say people I am fine even when knew I was not well in myself I still hid how vulnerable I use to feel within myself.
I was very much an adrenaline junkie long before my first bet or my first drink.
I even use to think that the spiritual recovery program would inhibit me from living a full healthy life, or what I use to think was a healthy life.
My belief system is very much about healthy spiritual interaction with all people, the recovery program was going to help me help myself and over time I was going to become very selfish about my recovery my healing and my maturing and growth.
If people do not respect them self then it is very unlikely they will be able to respect me.
If people are unhealthy to my well being I do not associate with those people.
Will fear filled people transfer their fears on to other people.
Abstaining was not enough for me in the old days and abstaining on its own is not enough for me today on its own.
Step two was a about gaining faith and trusting once more, because I had spent so much time and energy giving up all faith and hope in myself.
In order for me to be more patient with other people I needed to learn to be more patient and tolerant with myself.
Money lost is gone, it certainly is not coming back to me in any easy way.
Money was never going to heal me or help me learn to grow up to be a more spiritual with myself and with other people.
On walking in to recovery did I think I was hurting myself or other people. Well I was not willing to accept responsibility for myself.
Every action has consequences, every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences, every healthy action has healthy consequences.
Abstaining and doing nothing with my time was hard time and the only person I was fighting was myself.
Healthy spiritual interaction were missing when I went against my own conscience and went against spiritual values.
In fact I would say that being obsessed and in an addiction meant I was either living in the very painful feelings and guilt regret and shames of my past.
When in action in my addictions and obsessions I use to isolate myself from healthy interactions with other people.
It took me over 23 years which is 30% of my life to learn the true meaning of spiritual recovery and the full understanding of step one.
I also learned that I did not have to have any belief system what so ever to accept and understand step two, that the power of step two was the wording come to believe.
A man of long standing in recovery helped me understand the importance of step two very clearly come to believe was about me going to meetings and witnessing the spiritual growth and change in other people.
In those people honesty I would see myself.
If we see and feel we are all equals then if another person can achieve growth then I can.
Funny enough in order to grasp step two a person does not require any belief system what so ever in order to come to believe and it has nothing to do about religion what so ever and is very much about spiritual growth.
In my life people did not stress me out sadly I stressed myself out, and now understand that stress anxiety worry nervousness and depression were all fear based issues.
I highly recommended in the rooms of recovery that the people question everything about recovery, even this last week I recommended that people picked out the steps and questioned and talked about each step.
With regards the accountability I now understand that the gambling establishments did not steal from me and my family I did, the gambling establishments did not lie to my family I did.
With any obsession or addiction the balance of my life was all out, for me to be healthy I need to have eight hours to fulfill my needs, I need to have eight hours to fulfill my wants and my RR time. I need to have eight hours to fulfill my rest and sleep time.
I am also a person that can operate from a subconscious level in doing things that need or wanted to be done.
Before recovery I feared using tolls that I had not been taught how to use, in recovery I got to learn about power tools, wood working tools, and during those times my artistic and creative flare came out.
I have since beginning of my recovery made a king size bed from my own design, I have my wife a hope chest, I have designed two patents.
The reason I ask people to choose topics to read and talk about is to allow people to give their perspective of recovery and to question every avenue of every recovery.
Different people will have a different views and opinions about what we think is success, some think it is very much about money and material things, some people think that money is power and that controlling people makes tem powerful.
One time a person said do not tell me what recovery is about show me, in other words, talk is cheap, in overcoming each of our fears we can say we overcome the unhealthy programming of our child hood and overcome our own fears that have haunted us most of our life.
For me being successful is having a healthy relationship with everyone healthy or otherwise, being successful is about living healthy interaction life with all people.
My reaction to the unhealthy past is fully my responsibility, my reaction in my anger is my responsibility, healing my emotional scars of my past is fully my responsibility.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
AKA Dave L

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