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DAY 1 IT BEGINS NOW - roc...
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At what point in my recov...
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  Each time I went back to my addictions and obsessions was an emotional trigger
Posted by: gadaveuk - Yesterday, 10:06 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I use to think that each time I went back to my addictions and obsessions was me failing.

Over time I would understand more about each one of my  emotional triggers.

For me my emotional triggers were my pains not healed.

Another of my emotional triggers were my fears not faced.

Another of my emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Another of my emotional triggers were my fears of emotional intimacy, loneliness.

Another of my emotional triggers were my feelings of boredom.

I use to think that due to my last bet I had lost all of my clean time, not so often I had only gambled one day, clean time can not be lost.

The important thing about the recovery program is to keep going, no matter when my last bet was, no matter if I have no money, keep going because I will value myself, I will become selfish about my recovery.

You will often hear people say that the reasons we gamble are just excuses, that for me is not so.

On walking in to the recovery program was I willing or able to say that I lived in my fears.

On walking in to the recovery program was I willing to say that I feared the postman.

On walking in to the recovery program was I willing to say that I feared the telephone ringing.

On walking in to the recovery program was I willing to say that I feared strangers coming to my home.

Being in the recovery program some time was I willing to admit that I feared being honest.

Being in the recovery program some time was I willing to admit that I feared emotional.

Being in the recovery program some time was I willing to admit that I feared failing.

Being in the recovery program some time was I willing to admit that I feared being alone.

Being in the recovery program some time was I able to admit that I was failing in my communication skills.

Being in the recovery program some time was I able to admit that I was living in the guilt shames an regrets of my past.

I am a non religious person yet I thoroughly embrace spiritual values today.

The dreams of my past have now become my reality today.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program helped me become healthier and healthier.

Why reluctant to use the telephone list, was it because I felt unworthy, was it because I felt fear of emotional intimacy, was it because I did not feel worthy, was it because I was reluctant to change.

Procrastination was it because I felt fear being committed to myself, was it because I feared being motivated, was it because I feared change would be painful, was it because I felt uncomfortable.

How long would it take me to value myself.

Who I was on day one of entering the spiritual recovery program is not who I am today.

If I am able to enter the spiritual recovery program and succeed any one can.

Am I humbled to be an equal to all in the spiritual recovery program then if one person can learn a new skill in the spiritual recovery program then I can.

Do I admit to myself that I was a victim, then that to can change, I can change that.

Do I admit to myself that I was a perpetrator, then that to can change, I can change that.

Every healthy person in the spiritual recovery program has some thing to share with me.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  DAY 1 IT BEGINS NOW - rock bottom
Posted by: Smiler49 - 14-01-2020, 10:08 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

So where to begin! 
embarrassed...disgusted...broke...feel very alone.
Gambled online for last 6 months and now x in debt and no money with bills to pay.
Nobody knows as kept this a total secret. 
feel very very alone....hit rock bottom today and decided to take control back. 
Try to.. where to begin. 
so very stupid to of done all this to myself.  it's made me a different person. 
I'm sad at what I've done by wasting money chasing money I lost. 
i want my life back.

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  At what point in my recovery did the text and the therapies help me change.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 14-01-2020, 10:31 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I understand that when I arrived in the recovery program I was emotionally vulnerable.

I even felt that gambling controlled my life.

I understand today that the addictions and obsessions were the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable long before addictions and obsessions came in to play.

I understand today that I did the addictions and obsessions to escape deviate facing myself escape facing myself and other people.

I use to make promises I could not keep.

I am a non religious and yet today I embrace spiritual values in to my life.

I lived a facade, I put on masks to hide what was really going on with in me.

Just because I read the text I did not understand that I had become my own worst enemy.

The rate of my recovery would be determined on how selfish I could become in my recovery.

The recovery program was a collection of healthy goal setting and like minded people who would help me understand my emotional triggers.

The reason I would lie was because I thought that being honest would be painful.

I have count of the number of beatings I have experienced earlier in my life.

I have count of the number of times I was both physically and emotionally abandoned.

I have count of the number of times I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself.

I have taken far to long to get selfish about my recovery.

Some very helpful healthy people have helped me achieve so much more with my life today.

The money was only the fuel for my addictions and my obsessions.

How much more do I want to achieve with my life and my time today.

My rate of recovery was very much tied to me giving therapies on a regular basis.

The only person I feared facing the most was myself.

Do I think that people will believe that it has been over twenty six years since my last bet.

Why did it take me over twenty years to get started in my recovery.

Abstaining on its own was not recovery for me.

Only when I was abstaining could the healing process start.

By me abstaining I was stopping over time causing myself and others pain.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  My story - First time post
Posted by: CAFC2006 - 14-01-2020, 07:22 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

I'm just going to get some things out on paper/ forum. I’ve never been a great talker or communicator. But I want to try to change. I’m new to forum and yet to read some of your stories, I’m just going to write my story. Hopefully people can relate to this. About 10 years ago my partner found out that I was in serious debt through gamling, I was 23 and was at breaking point. I worked in a supermarket and felt like I had no real future. I had help from GA meetings, my parents and my partner but unfortunately I’ve never really stopped. I’m not sure I actually wanted to stop gambling back then. When I stopped for the first time, I stopped for around 13 months. From then on I’ve continued to carry on most days. This became easier to do as the trust came back into different relationships over time.

Fast forward to now. I’m 32. Over the past 6-7 Years I have continued a cycle of borrowing money, with the intention of clearing debt. Only to have some bad spikes of impulsive gambling, losing over a short period and then finding myself in a similar situation only needed to borrow more. I’m now over double the amount of debt to what I was back in 2012.

Over the last 8 years I continued to work in better paid jobs that have contributed to me being able to borrow more but also be able to pay for bills etc.. without getting noticed. Amazingly through all this I now have a good career and a well paid job, it's such a shame that considering I was downbeat at 23 with no future, I now find myself with a family of 2 (under 2 years old) and a career. But I still find myself as a compulsive gambler in more debt than I’ve ever been.

This reached its peak around 1 year ago at the start of 2019. I was pretty low at this point. At this point I had my oldest son who was about 6months old. It was here I promised I would not get any more loans and put strict limits on my accounts. In an attempt to at least start to take responsibility and feel like it’s under control. This had worked much better but I recently had another impulsive moment and created a new account and ruined the last 8 months of control. I now feel the only option is to stop all together, its gone past trying to control or budget.


Why stop now?

I think occasionally your mind thinks outside the bubble you are in when gamling and you see the reality of your problem. So what do you do? you go back to your comfort of gambling to make it go away again, sweep it under the carpet. Worry about it another day.

These months where I had strict limits give me weeks where I didnt gamble. Once I had spent the limit for the month I was finding myself waiting for weeks for me to be able to put more money in. It was the first time I really had an opportunity to look from the outside in. Those couple of weeks away gave me some time to think about the reality and put some things into perspective. I needed to stop. This is not going to be easy, but its not a lost cause. 4-5 years my debt could easily be gone, my kids will be 6-7, it’s not too late. I can borrow more and risk losing everything, I still might lose everything, but I’ve got to try. This coincided with the Birth of my second child made me really think about what future I’m giving my kids. I’m able to pay for monthly bills etc but never really save or plan anything with them. Simple things like ideas for going out, spending time away from the house, it all comes from my partner.

The quality of time I spend with my kids, when looking after them or playing with them half my mind would still be focused on gambling. I don’t want to miss the important years of my children growing up, or even worse be there and not remember. I’m there in person but not in mind….

My own mindset/ health - I don’t think I ever imagined I would get myself into this situation. I have a great family, two amazing kids and a wonderful mother who looks after them and me. The last 10 years of consistent gambling has had a big effect on me and my personality.

My mind is constantly on betting, when I wake up, on the train, at work, on the train home, when I put the kids to bed, when I go to sleep. Constantly… I have developed into this person who has become emotionally numb. When you lose money or become addicted you develop this ability to forget or not to worry because you don't want to think about the real issues, you want to move on and continue to gamble the next day, if that means lying so be it. Or my personal favourite is being someone who just agrees with everything because it minimises conversation. Another trait is pretending to be fine, putting on this persona to get people off your back, so you can carry on in your own bubble.

I’ve also developed a bit of anxiety which I never have felt before in my life. I passed my driving test about 3 years ago but cant bring myself to drive, I get incredibly nervous and have to overthink everything like the route, traffic etc.. I’m convinced my addiction has contributed to this

Since blocking my accounts I’ve felt a small relief as a first step to a new start. I feel like the first few months will be easy, once you hit 6-9 months then things settle down and you become vulnerable again. My Partner is still in the dark on all of this, it's a huge worry. I’ve finally confided in my parents for support, but feel utterly saddened I can't tell my partner. I know it would be the end of us and therefore our little family, in my mind I’m like ‘Well I’m screwed anyway, might as well try and get by without her knowing, then there will still be a chance’...

I don’t know why I gamble when I think about it. It just seems to be a necessity, yet I’ve grown naturally to despise it, but I still go back. When I’m winning I have no end goal, in fact on winning streaks I actually have become bored of winning. So what tends to happen is I up the stakes to make it more interesting and ultimately go back to square one and lose. This seems to point back to an impulse or buzz that I need. I need to get my fix, but ultimately I don't really know why I need it. People say it’s an illness, I think it is, but don’t like to use it when talking about myself. I feel as though I’m using it as an excuse.


It’s twice now it’s taken me to reach a breaking point that I’ve had no choice but to speak to someone, otherwise I would no doubt be carrying on. I'm backed into a financial corner with nowhere to hide. It's such a shame I can’t do this when I was a fraction of the debt that i’m in now. Because when at that time things seemed bad, they were not so bad compared to now.

So if you think that you are in a hole now, don’t think time or a different strategy will improve the situation. In 12 months you will think back and wish you told someone back then. I feel confident I know how to manage this, its support from someone you can trust, and knowing that they will check in with you. I don't feel ashamed that my parents will check my bank accounts, I know it helps me. It will keep me in check and give me that comfort that I'm being supported. It’s early days but it’s a start. I’ve self excluded for 5 years. It's time to change...

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  What can I expect to her from GA?
Posted by: TrumpAnon - 13-01-2020, 09:47 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi all,

I have just registered as after many years I’m finally getting serious about attending gamblers anonymous as nothing else seems to work. 
I also appreciate this maybe in the wrong forum section, unfortunately my phone blocks the website access to creating new post in Q&A so please move this over if need be, admin. 

What I am here to ask is, through your experience or knowledge, what can I expect to her from GA, is it a practical session, is there anything to prepare? And what did you gain from your first meeting?

Quick background, in 30yo. I have been gambling for 10 years and year by year the stakes get higher and my debts grow bigger. 
My friends know about my addiction but unfortunately, most people see gambling addiction as a lad cultured bit of fun so it’s hard to talk seriously with friends. And I’ve tried talking to my parents (who have bailed me out numerous times) but I become weird and defensive, even though I fully understand my problem. 

I ask about GA as I’ve been to GP, spoken with Gamcare plenty of times, I am on Gamstop online, had about 15 hours hypnotherapy specifically for gambling. 
Where some things work short term. I always end up back to gambling my monthly wages in 24-48 hours. 

I’m just so drained or being ‘skint’ and having no money for holidays(et luxuries), struggle for petrol money to get to work, can’t afford lunch. It’s constant, every day, exhausting.

 Even writing this I’ve racked up £xx monthly phone bill as was using friends online bookmaker and betting £xx every day on my phone contract. 

So anyway, back to the purpose of the post. I really want to go to a meeting but I’ve become a very anxious, low confident person in the last couple years and it makes me anxious attending, I think I’ll see people I know there, I’ll feel judged(I know how silly this sounds) and just that I won’t gain anything from it as I’m bound to be doomed. Nothing stops me gambling. 

 Thank you

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  What is success mean to me today being in my recovery
Posted by: gadaveuk - 06-01-2020, 05:29 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Success for me today is being healthier today, to not give up faith or hope in myself.

Success for me today is not going back to my addictions and my obsessions when I am emotionally vulnerable and feel that I am not able to cope.

Success for me today is being is being able give up all forms of unhealthy living.

Success for me today is not being angry, not being afraid to put m best effort in today.

Success for me today is being is being able to give up one unhealthy habit and exchanging it in to healthy habit.

Success for me today is being is being able to not react in unhealthy ways and to start interacting with people life and situations. 

Success for me today is healing that hurt inner child so that I no longer live in fear.

Success for me today is writing down daily my needs, writing down daily my wants and writing down daily my goals, and each time I do each item is to cross them out.

Success for me today is being honest and accountable to myself.

Success for me today is reducing my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Success for me today is reducing my fears and having more trust in everyone including myself. 

Success for me today is forgiving myself and moving on from my past pains.

Success for me today is learning from my mistakes not living in them.

Success for me today is being more productive and achieving more with my life and my time.

Success for me today is overcoming my fears of emotional intimacy and bel able to have intimacy with every one.

Success for me today is being in meetings and demonstrating a healthy life.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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Thumbs Down Suicidal thoughts
Posted by: Aj1 - 05-01-2020, 12:09 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (5)

Hi feeling suicidal
Broke out this year causing major distress
Going to meetings now trying to deal with it all
Cant think straight

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  My addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping people life and situations.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 05-01-2020, 05:00 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I did not walk in to the recovery program for myself.

From day one in the recovery program I did not fully understand that I was escaping in my fears.

Only when I went to meetings for myself and became selfish bout my recovery would I have a chance of healing.

I was like a rat in a wheel going faster and faster going nowhere healthy.

Being an addict I was very vulnerable emotionally, I was very much living on the edge of my nerves.

How could I think that risk taking that losing on a regular basis was fun and exciting, I even though if I got my lost money back I would be happy.

Each time I betrayed myself and other people I was in spiritual decline, I would even justify going against my own conscience.

The spiritual recovery program is non religious to me.

I am a non religious person and have found that healing my pains today is much easier.

The spiritual recovery program was not going to stop me gambling, that was going to be my own choice.

The spiritual recovery program was not going to stop me lying, that was going to be my own choice.

The spiritual recovery program was not going to stop me giving up all faith and hope in myself, that was going to be my own choice.

The healthy people in the spiritual recovery program would help me get over testing times, they would help me understand when I am emotionally vulnerable and how to process my life in much healthier ways.

The spiritual recovery program is much like a mountain climbing training ground in how to deal with risky situations and how to get through life in the healthiest safest way possible. 

I walked in to in the spiritual recovery program very much emotionally traumatized in so many ways.

I did not know how to heal my pains, I did not know how to face my fears, I did not know how to reduce my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I did not know how to reduce my fears of emotional intimacy, I did not know how to over come my feelings of boredom. 

As I started to open up more and more and give therapies my fears would reduce, my fears would reduced my rus started to grow.

With step five that would be the beginning of me opening up to the possibility of some deeper emotional intimacy.

In time I would stop procrastinating and become more open and more productive in my life.

In time I would trust myself more, I would trust other people.

In turning to my addictions and obsessions indicated how much I was emotionally traumatized, and also indicated how much fear I was living in.

How ever sick or unhealthy I was on day in my recovery I am not the same person today.

The guilt shame regrets were the consequences of my unhealthy actions and my my unhealthy. 

The spiritual recovery program has helped e become a person I am proud to be today.

I have the choice to be the healthiest person and the most productive person I can be today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Can't resist the adrenaline rush
Posted by: MWcam - 02-01-2020, 12:23 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

I have been gambling for nearly 20 years now. My wife (girlfriend at the time) first told me I had a problem about 15 years ago and made me count up what I had lost (many £xx) and I said I would stop. I did for a while but then found myself lured back in again, starting off small and then getting bigger. I confessed to my wife as it got out of hand (again) about 5 years ago and put 5 year blocks, purchased Gamban for my phone and laptop and that worked until just a few months ago when I logged onto Sky for this Super 6 game I play and realised that my block had ended (and having changed phones Gamban was no longer installed). 
I was going through a bit of a tough time at home, and it looked like we weren't going to be moving as our house was up for sale and it had all gone quiet. With the realisation that we would be stuck in our current house for another year, no mortgage company going to need to look at my bank account and the block ending I succumbed and setup a new account.
As I earn pretty good money now I could afford some losses so would just put in £xx here and there, but also make withdrawals to stop my account building up too much (on the winning streaks) so that I never fell back and started gambling £xx again. I had that part under some control but without realising I was spending huge amounts of time gambling (sneaking off in private to place another flurry of bets) as I discovered the exchange. And I would lay against favourites in horses/ greyhounds as these were happening so often. Then my wife caught me hiding something one night, I gave her my phone and she found the betting app and rightfully lost it. Ironically I had been on a long winning run so had built up some funds as well as making withdrawals and that was what annoyed me at first. However as she trawled through and saw how many bets (£xx a day) it dawned on me that it was taking over my life again, and potentially ruining it and others around me at the same time. 
For her, it wasn't the gambling but the lying and hiding of it that upset her the most. I have never felt guilt like it, and for the first time in our relationship I actually looked at myself and thought why does she put up with me. I'd hate me if I found out something like that so how must she feel. We have 4 kids that I have risked because of gambling, in addition to a loving and supportive wife. I have closed the account and again blocked and locked everything out. We are going to try and move house again this year so I know for the short term I can do this, once we finally move I fear another battle or temptation may come but my wife just keeps on telling me to be honest and tell her how I feel so we can try and get through this.
She is not a fan of counselling but I felt posting here might at least help me get something off my chest.

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  Expressions used numbing out, the buzz, dysfunctional, stressing out.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 29-12-2019, 10:27 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Expressions used in my recovery numbing out I was not allowing myself to heal I was burying my feelings and emotions.

Expressions used in my recovery was the buzz, the feelings of risk taking, living on my fears, yet not only just the addictions.

Expressions used in my recovery was dysfunctional, I was unable to interact in healthy ways and over come my fears of emotional intimacy.

Expressions used in my recovery was stressing out, I use to blame people life and situations to my unhealthy reactions.

Expressions used in my recovery was my emotional triggers, to my pains not healed, to my fears not faced, to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Expressions used in my recovery was my high and lows, I use to think and feel that the adrenaline rush was happiness.

Expressions used in my recovery was escaping, escaping responsibility, escaping being honest to myself, escaping emotional intimacy, escaping complimenting myself, escaping healthy interactions, escaping new people, escaping the postman, escaping facing myself, escaping loving myself.

Expressions used in my recovery was escaping in isolation, escaping being committed to myself, 

Expressions used in my recovery was escaping in isolation and loneliness, avoiding emotional intimacy, hiding behind my walls of fear I built to protect my hurt inner child.

I am for sure a non religious person, I use to think and feel that other people could get healed, other people could get successful, yet I did not feel that I could not feel successful because I had given up all faith and hope in myself.

Only once I admitted to myself that I was an equal, no matter when my last bet was, no matter how much I lied or stole, only once I admitted to myself that I was not evil bad right or wrong, I was simply emotional vulnerable, yet I use to hide how vulnerable I was, putting on my mask, putting on my facade.

Today is to to move on from my past, to learn from it yet not live in the past.

Today is about exchanging unhealthy habits in to healthy habits, to be productive.

All the time I stick with my recovery I am getting more from my life,  I am getting out of myself, I am getting more focus and drive in my life today.

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and my obsessions.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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