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How are you surviving thr...
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Last Post: smartie
04-02-2021, 03:26 PM
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For me recovery is a heal...
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31-01-2021, 08:35 PM
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Trust
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Last Post: gadaveuk
10-01-2021, 04:03 AM
» Replies: 2
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Enough is enough...
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Last Post: gadaveuk
09-01-2021, 09:49 PM
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Offshore on-line pitfall
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07-01-2021, 03:17 AM
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Relationship help
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02-01-2021, 08:23 PM
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Feel sick at the fact I'l...
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02-01-2021, 07:45 PM
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First time here after num...
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26-12-2020, 05:17 PM
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Understanding Step one an...
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19-12-2020, 09:42 AM
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Relapse....
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Last Post: gadaveuk
09-12-2020, 08:52 PM
» Replies: 14
» Views: 3,186

 
  For me recovery is a healing process, I needed to open up more to heal.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 31-01-2021, 08:35 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

For me recovery is a healing process, yet I could only heal once I admitted to myself I was in pain.

I needed to open up more this would happen through my honest therapies.

It was very simple reduce  my fears and my trust would grow in the recovery rooms.

It took me along time to heal.

The addictions and obsessions were a way of me escaping people life and situations.

The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms of my emotional vulnerability.

My unhealthy reactions indicated to me how unhealthy and how vulnerable I was.

It is very difficult for me to remember when I was last angry.

Yet at one time I was angry most of the time.

When people asked how I was, it was not a question.

I use to bury and suppress so much stuff in my life because I could not deal with it.

Being a loner and holding back and not being myself was an unhealthy way to live.

Not being able to trust myself was not healthy, not being able to have intimacy with people was not healthy.

By being consumed by addictions and obsessions I did not understand how unhealthy I was.

I use to think that my addictions and obsessions controlled me.

Today I understand for me my addictions and obsessions were a form of escaping my feelings and my emotions.

Sadly due to pains and abuse in my life I buried and suppressed feeling from my hurt inner child.

I use to think that I was a weak person, that was not true i had in my life gone through all forms of abuse.

In recovery I asked myself is there any thing that has not been or done to me that I had not experienced at that time.

The simple fact there was nothing that could happen that had not already happened to me.

In the recovery program I learned that I was a survivor yet I was not able to heal or resolve the pains of my past.

My anger that came out of me was due to my pains not healed, was due to my fears not being faced, was due to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life people and situations.

My emotional triggers were my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy, my boredom due to the fact I could not be productive in every avenue of my life.

The simple question is how much time effort and energy am I willing to invest in to my recovery today.

How much do I want to heal my hurt inner child.

Love and peace to every one.
 
Dave L
 
AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Offshore on-line pitfall
Posted by: Bazzle22 - 06-01-2021, 11:44 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

Hi everybody,iv just jumped on board an appreciate it..iv recently excluded from all on line UK sites
and all reachable bookies in my area.I learned I could still join offshore on line casinos which cost me dearly in just a few hours.The craving was like acid in my veins and I had to gamble...iv now contacted my bank and cannot deposit to any gambling site globally.is everyone aware of this option...I feel relief...still want to gamble but options are getting very thin for me now...I was wanting to hear that roulette ball flick around the wheel and hit my number that bad I went in disguise..face mask and hat..hit a bookies four train stops away..I won x in the machine..cashed and left...so I think shop self exclusion only works if the staff know you.

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  Trust
Posted by: Casey sullivan - 20-12-2020, 07:43 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

Hi
    I'm a new user only joined today and am really struggling with the fact I'm an addict, I've had addictions in the past cocaine and alcohol but really thought I was past them as they were many years ago, I attempted suicide on Wednesday but fortunately was brought back to life but my partner just doesn't trust me at all now will I ever earn this trust back?

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  Just for today I choose to understand my emotional triggers and of my vulnerability
Posted by: gadaveuk - 08-12-2020, 10:52 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

On entering the recovery program I felt threatened by the mention of religion and God.

I sadly was not able to stop escaping to my addictions and obsessions from day one.

Yet each time I went back I was asked what was my emotional trigger.

Sadly it felt like the addictions and obsessions controlled my life.

I did not understand that recovery is a healing process.

The mention of spiritual values confused me, I understand that each time I went against spiritual values I was hurting myself and other people.

I use to fear questions, I felt threatened by any kind of question.

The first time I opened up to a person about my emotional vulnerability I expected the worst.

The first time I opened up to a meeting giving a therapy helped me grow my trust in the meetings.

My emotional triggers were my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness and my boredom.

Today I understand that my deep seated fears were due to the pains in my past that were not healed.

I use to be angry and confused all of the time.

Now today it is difficult to remember when I was last angry.

The rage that came out of me was my hurt inner child lashing out and not getting any healing or resolves.

Yes my rage helped me understand that my inner child needed to be healed in a slow healthy manner.

Having a healthy sponsor is a two way street, it is self rewarding to both people.

A healthy sponsor will be tolerant nurturing and encouraging.

An unhealthy sponsor will be a bully and try to manipulate you, sadly he will even try to take credit for your progress.

A healthy sponsor will not take any credit for your progress, he will try and get you to give your self compliments, to even reward your self.

There is no doubt in my mind that my recovery was a very slow process in the beginning.

That my recovery was a very slow baby steps day by day.

Sadly procrastinating is a very unhealthy habit which needs to be resolved.

Today what are my needs, today what are my needs, today what are my goals.

How committed am I to my growth and recovery today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  What excuses did I have not going to meetings, how long to learn how unhealthy I was
Posted by: gadaveuk - 24-11-2020, 01:37 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

What excuses did I use to not go to meetings, how long would I take me to learn how unhealthy I was.

I often felt that my addictions controlled me, that I could not help myself, like I was out of control.

My thinking was that if I stopped gambling that I would be happy.

My thinking was that if I my money back I had lost at gambling that I would be happy.

The addictions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Before my recovery I would justify being honest, I would justify that I did not need the meetings.

Every pain in my life caused me to live in my fears.

I would justify my lies, I would justify procrastination.

The simple truth I could not help myself being on my own.

In the rooms of recovery once I was able to listen, once I understand I was simply emotionally vulnerable, I was not bad person, I was not stupid person, I was not an evil person, I was a very vulnerable person.

People pushing religion on me did not help me at all, yet people demonstrating being healthy by their actions and their words helped me see what healthy was all about.

I was not a religious person, I was not able absorb and learn new found skills very easily.

Due to trauma in my life I had trust issues, I simply lived in so many fears I use to panic very easily.

So once I gave up talking about gambling, once I gave up talking about money lost during gambling, and once I gave up living fears of being honest.

The reduced levels of fear enabled me to trust once more, and the therapies started to open up and I was able to see and feel myself in other people therapies.

Each day was a day I could improve on in how I felt and how I was able to move away from reacting in unhealthy ways to interacting with all people in healthy ways.

By giving up my addictions and obsessions I was able to take up even simple tasks and do a good job.

Yet it was very hard for me to say to myself I did a good job.

As you get healthier you stop beating your self up.

You stop calling your self names.

Having a conscience is a very healthy indicator that deep down was a healthy person who could not help him self.

By abstaining from my unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy expressions I was able to open up more.

The recovery is not about us beating our self up, the exact opposite, the recovery is about us being more nurturing towards our self and other people.

The words I used before my recovery bad evil wrong right would be replaced with healthy or unhealthy.

A healthy sponsor will help me during stressful periods, a healthy sponsor will hep me be more caring more respectful more tolerant more patient with myself.

A healthy sponsor will not bully or manipulate me,  they will not make me do any thing I am not ready to do.

A healthy sponsor will not take any credit for my new found healthy skills,  healthy sponsor will help me reward myself and say I am doing a healthy job. 

As we identify each fear they reduce more and more.

My fears were all ten out of ten before my recovery, then they reach a point where my fears were low single numbers.

Before my recovery I had so much anger in me, I had so much anxiety and panic in me.

If I was not a compulsive gambler i would have never found out how much I was missing from my life today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Enough is enough...
Posted by: Decider1234 - 23-11-2020, 11:12 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

I’ve been gambling for the duration of my adult life. It started off as £x on the football at the weekend. The occasional £x. 

I started gambling more after a few big wins. Not more as in huge amounts but more frequently. Staying up until 3/4am on a work night gambling on anything and anything. £x on who wins the next point in a tennis match, to £x on a random hockey games etc. I’d put £x into my account and play until I’d lost it all or fell asleep. This then progressed to gambling bigger amounts in an attempt to make quick easy cash. Then the dangerous part started, chasing my losses. Thankfully at this point I stopped once my savings were gone. 

A few months later I had another decent win, this then lead to another bad stint of gambling. My father asked me to look after a substantial amount of money, little did myself or him know, I would then go onto gambling the lot. By the time he asked for me to send it back to him, I had to take out a loan to cover my arse. At this point I self excluded myself from gambling. A year down the line I’m in a better financial position that I was. I’ve still been gambling but it’s been much smaller amounts with friends and bookies I know. During this year, I’d been playing lots of sport and going to the gym regularly as a distraction. 

Since the pandemic has been around, I’ve not been able to distract myself. I’ve started gambling much more than I can afford again. I’m currently working from home and I’m extremely distracted from my job. I’m lucky enough to have a good paying job with a great career path. I’ve tried to stop gambling on my own and distract myself but I’m really struggling! I’ve been feeling really anxious recently too, this is a feeling I’ve never felt and I believe it’s to do with my gambling. I worry about answering simple questions. I worry when the door bell rings or the house phone. I just constantly feel on edge. I’m really worried that I’m going to lose my job through being anxious and distracted, which has huge knock on effects, such as not being able to afford my debts. 

Despite being in a large amount of debt, I’ve calculated how I can get out of the tunnel (providing I stop gambling). Is there any advice on how I can distract myself? Is it the gambling that’s making me feel anxious, and how do I stop this feeling? This is the first time I’ve spoke to anyone about my addiction, my father is unaware of how I paid his money back or that I lost it in the first place. Any tips and advice on how I can stop gambling? 

Any help would be massively appreciated! 

Thank you, 
S

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  Feel sick at the fact I'll never make the money back now
Posted by: chberry93 - 22-11-2020, 07:44 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

Hi all, 

Can't quite believe I'm posting on here as I'm still quite shocked I even ended up in this position. I never would have imagined myself being a gambler but during lockdown I randomly decided to buy a couple of lottery tickets. When I was online purchasing them I was given an offer for one of the 'instant win games' and from then on I was pretty much hooked. I moved on pretty quickly from the instant win games on the lottery site to slots on various sites and pretty soon I was doing these everyday. The final straw for me came at the beginning of this month when I managed to blow almost all of my monthly salary in a few hours. 

Since then I've self-excluded which has given some sense of relief but I'm also finding myself still thinking about it almost 24/7. One of the main challenges I'm having at the moment is having to accept that I really have lost all the money spent. Whilst I was still gambling I would convince myself that I'd be one of the lucky ones who bagged jackpots and then I could self exclude knowing I'd made back by money. I know the chances of this are practically zero but there was still that glimmer of hope which has now gone. 

Moving forward now I'm hoping to find ways to come to terms with the amount of lost (talking quite a bit in debt now) and find ways to distract myself from thinking about it all the time. So if anyone has any suggestions that would be hugely appreciated.

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  I use to think that I would be the last person on this planet who would stop gambling
Posted by: gadaveuk - 11-11-2020, 10:15 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi 

Before my recovery before the healing of my hurt inner child I use to think that my addiction controlled my life and how i use to feel.

I did not get it that in time and working my recovery I would be not only to live each day with out gambling but I am able to live each day with out being angry, I am able to live each day with out wanting to escape from my feelings and my emotions, I am able to live each day with fulfilling my needs fulfilling my wants  fulfilling my goals.

In time I would understand that my addictions and my obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Yet I kept going, I needed more than one meeting per week to abstain,  I needed a meeting with healthy therapies, I needed a meeting with healthy honesty.

One tie I had gone 11 month and two weeks with out gambling they were arranging my birthday, and I gambled, I did not want to go back to the meeting, I felt I let them down, I felt stressed out facing those people, I felt stressed out thinking that they would want to compliment me.

By being in the meetings I knew the only person I feared facing was myself.

When ever a person admits to go back to gambling there is signs by people in the rooms, I use to think that they were dis appointed in me, sadly there body language was they were feeling my pains.

Healthy people in he recovery program will help nurture encourage and inspire enthusiasm in other people.

Healthy people in he recovery program will help people learn from their mistakes and from their emotional vulnerability.

Some people think that time off means you know all the answers, for me that is not so.

Some people may think that my time off means that all my pains have been healed, that all my fears have been faced, that all my frustrations have been reduced, that all my boredom have been completely replaced with all full days in my life today, that all my emotional loneliness have been removed by my emotional intimacy with people today.

For me at the beginning it was very slow baby steps and using the telephone.

It was some one to suggest to me to call some one before I gambled,  so obvious so simple yet I had to work things out over time.

There were meetings after meetings, they were times I did not get to bed until 11pm 12am.

My addictions and obsessions were a form of escape.

I needed to not focus on money lost.

I needed to not focus on blame and justification.

For me the recovery program is about healing, recovery healing, the money was just the fuel for my addiction.

Each day I abstained from Gambling. 

Each day I abstained from smoking. 

Each day I abstained from getting drunk.

Each day I abstained from living in fears and panic.

Each day I abstained from speeding.

Each day I abstained from being angry.

Each day I abstained from reacting in unhealthy ways.

Each day I changed from unhealthy reacting in to unhealthy interacting.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Relationship help
Posted by: Richard82 - 08-11-2020, 11:02 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

I am one year into recovery and have not relapsed so very proud of my self for that, I want help on how to help my wife believe me after I have lied to her so badly she knows it’s been a year but I don’t think she can forgive me and that’s making me worry I might make bad decisions in the future not gamble again but drink or worse anyone been through this and got the love and trust back

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  For me procrastination was very hard to understand and hard to change
Posted by: gadaveuk - 08-11-2020, 09:55 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

How many emotions and feelings caused me to procrastinate and deviate from getting things done.

For me procrastination was very much fear based, fear of failure, fear of being shown up, fear of rejection and abandonment, fear of criticism, fear of being found out.

For me procrastination was very much low self esteem, low self worth, low self confidence, feeling inept and inadequate, my inability not being able to learn from previous mistakes.

Before my recovery I use to think that I was a failure and incomplete person.

Due to very painful put downs bullying and very cruel criticism I use to have unhealthy people put me down all of the time.

That I would not become any thing with my life.

That I had no value and always get things wrong.

What I did not understand was that people put me down because they were so filled with so many pains fears and frsutrations, they were dumping on to me their pains fears and frustrations on to me.

It was advised to me not to talk to unhealthy people about my needs my wants or my goals, because they would try and put me off from achieving any thing healthy with my life.

Sadly even in the rooms of recovery I have some people dump on to trying hard to succeed new challenges in their life.

In my recovery I did not know how to achieve new healthy goals in my life.

When I walked in to the recovery program I did not know or understand that my emotional age and physical age did not match up.

When I walked in to the recovery program I did not know or understand that I found it difficult to absorb understand or take in new education and learing.

I left school with no qualifications what so ever, I walked out of school and went and worked a round about in a fair ground in London.

For me the recovery program is not religious, the recovery program helps me help myself, no one or thing could stop me in my addictions or my obsessions, that needed to be my choice one day at a time.

For me the recovery program was going to help me understand that I was not evil or bad, I was not just no good, I was very simply emotionally vulnerable.

The healthy people in the recovery program was going to help me understand what were my emotional triggers were and when I am vulnerable.


Each time I went back to my addictions and my obsessions was a lesson I needed to learn from.

No matter when my last bet was I kept going to meetings.

No matter I did not want to talk I kept going to meetings.

No matter I did have any money I kept going to meetings.

What I did not understand that as I exposed more and more of myself it was a sign of my new found strength, I was coming out of myself.

For me to heal my hurt inner child I needed to stop being consumed by my addictions and my obsessions.

My addictions and my obsessions indicated that I was not coping in a healthy way with people life and situations in a healthy way.

Writing down my needs each day heled me stay focused.

Writing down my wants each day heled me stay focused.

Writing down my goals each day heled me stay focused. 

For me my confidence and self esteem got much healthier by my healthy actions, by my healthy words.

Each time I lied I hurt myself,  each time I stole I hurt myself, each time I avoided facing myself I hurt myself.

The person I feared facing the most was myself.

Once I took my recovery seriously I found it difficult to reward myself, I found it difficult to compliment myself, I found it difficult to validate myself.

To stop beating myself and calling myself names took time to change.

My recovery was very much baby steps which meant I needed to slow my pace down, more patience and tolerance with myself, to give up risk taking, to give up speeding and to drive at the speed limit, only when I was more patience and tolerance with myself could I be more patience and tolerance with other people.

Why would I be so reluctant to make changes in my life so I could achieve more and feel better about myself for a change.

When I procrastinate I know I am cheating myself.

Love and peace to every.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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