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There's no going back.
Forum: Share Section
Last Post: smartie
11 hours ago
» Replies: 1
» Views: 22
Unlucky gambler.
Forum: Share Section
Last Post: smartie
11 hours ago
» Replies: 8
» Views: 273
1st time here
Forum: Share Section
Last Post: Diego
13-09-2020, 02:52 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 15
My life fell apart today.
Forum: Share Section
Last Post: Diego
13-09-2020, 02:34 PM
» Replies: 3
» Views: 493
How could I not explain t...
Forum: Share Section
Last Post: gadaveuk
13-09-2020, 07:54 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 9
Relapse....
Forum: Share Section
Last Post: JoshE123
07-09-2020, 02:05 PM
» Replies: 11
» Views: 1,101
Debt, depression and desp...
Forum: Share Section
Last Post: Mugpunter
06-09-2020, 08:27 PM
» Replies: 2
» Views: 261
Living Just for today onl...
Forum: Share Section
Last Post: gadaveuk
03-09-2020, 03:46 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 49
No matter how many times ...
Forum: Share Section
Last Post: gadaveuk
28-08-2020, 03:04 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 110
I was so emotionally vuln...
Forum: Share Section
Last Post: gadaveuk
24-08-2020, 10:03 AM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 75

 
  There's no going back.
Posted by: Happydays2211 - Yesterday, 12:15 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

For as long as I can remember, whenever anything negative happenes in my life, I escape by gambling. I'm not a psychologist, but I'd presume it's my way of escaping. 
I hate myself for lying to my family about where my money has gone , but admitting the truth, that I have a real gambling problem, is too embarrassing. I then rely on them to help me out, knowing, yet another excuse as to why I've no money passes my lips. 
I'm kind and would do anything for anyone. I would give people my last penny, but when it comes to looking after my own welfare, it goes out of the window. 
Gambling has been my achilles heel for far too long. It can make me temporarily happy, if I win, but it mostly makes me sad, anxious, stressed and embarrassed. 
Today is the first day I have openly admitted it and I hope this will be the first step towards my recovery because again I've been paid and once again, lost it all. Its soul destroying and I know I'm hurting the people I love more than anything, which is even worse. 
I've asked myself many times, why? Did it stem from being dropped off in the arcades as a child whilst my parents went drinking?! It may have started there but as an adult and 45 years later, I should know better. 
I have stopped many times before, but as soon as something happens in my life, I'm back gambling with a vengeance. 
You only get one chance of life and I need to start grasping it with both hands and rid myself of this addiction, which is destroying my chance of happiness.

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  1st time here
Posted by: Diego - 13-09-2020, 02:52 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Afternoon all,

First of all, thank you so much for reading this.

Long story short, been football gambling online for the past couple of years. Although my wife knew what I was doing my answer was always “only a couple of weeks when the footie is on”. 

It all started a couple of years ago as I never ever gambled on anything before. Started just for a laugh and then just literally never stopped. My wife confronted me on Monday and I admitted what was going on. Of course she was/is very angry and I honestly don’t know if we will stay together (12 years as a couple, 6 married) I felt somehow relieved that I managed to take that weight off my shoulders. 

I knew I had a problem but never talked to anyone (felt very ashamed!). 

I haven’t gamble since Monday, zero cravings or needs and just the facto of thinking about gambling it makes me sick. 

I believe I will never do that again but my wife doesn’t believe me. I don’t want to lose her. I messed up but deep inside me I know that’s in the past now. 

Have a good weekend you all. 

Diego

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  How could I not explain to another person why I Gambled
Posted by: gadaveuk - 13-09-2020, 07:54 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I could not explain to another person why I Gambled because I did not understand it myself.

In time I would understand that my addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I was not a bad person, I was not a evil person, I was not a stupid person.

Why could I not understand myself, why could I not be honest with myself, why could I not understand my emotional triggers.

My unhealthy addictions and my unhealthy obsessions were a form of escape.

In time I would understand that no matter what happens in my life I was going to be determined to attend meetings.

How sad was it that I did not know how to celebrate in healthy ways.

I did not know how to interact in healthy ways with people and to not live my life in my fears self doubts and low self esteem.

In recent weeks I was concerned about laying some concrete in some forms I had made.

My fear was that the form would give way and the concrete would be ruined.

Yesterday Shirley my wife was helping me and pointed out one of the concrete forms burst out.

Did I get angry, did I lash out, did I swear and cuss, did panic cause me to freeze.

I had already worked out the very worst that could happen and had a large beam of wood to hold back any part of the form.

I use to want to be in control in the old days.

I understand today that it only indicated how inadequate and insecure I was and understand that my control issues were fear based.

Handing over my finances was very hard for me, I thought that money was a controlling issue.

The very simple fact that I could not trust myself with money, I felt uncomfortable having money on me.

Before my recovery I could not or would not have a financial sheet on our finances.

The healthy people helped me make out spread sheets identifying every bill we ahd.

The healthy people helped me understand the importance or making out my lists of my needs of my wants and more importantly lists of goals.

In time I would be able to see and feel myself in other people, both the unhealthy and unhealthy parts of them.

Even today I am very much a person watcher, I am able to see both the unhealthy and unhealthy habits people have.

I found that every perpetrator was at some time a victim.

Sadly unhealthy people will transfer their pains fears and frustrations on to other people. 

Sadly unhealthy people will justify going against their own conscience and against their spiritual values.

For me the recovery program is not a race it was very much slow baby steps to learn new healthy habits.

My impatience and my intolerance only indicates how hard I was on myself.

Shirley and I will be celebrating our 50th wedding anniversary in the next two weeks.

If I had not taken the recovery program seriously this would not happening.

The last bet I had was in 1992 and my commitment to my healing recovery has paid huge rewards in the relationship I have with myself today and  the relationship I have with all other people.

I could not respect other people until I respected myself.

I could not love other people until I loved myself.

I could not get to be healthy until I admitted to myself that I was an unhealthy person.

I enjoy giving talks at a recovery center and know I am paying back that which was given to me.

I am a non religious person and know that if I can embrace and want to heal my hurt inner child any one else can.

There was a time I would escape in to watching television.

I would even plan my life to watch certain TV programs.

I am watching television now to relax my body.

I am not being obsessed with watching television, when I was watching television for long periods of time I was not being productive with my time.

The recovery program text is only a manual, it is up to us to learn from healthy people in recovery by their healthy habits and their productivity.

A healthy sponsor will have a two way street interaction with like minded people.

A healthy sponsor will demonstrate what healthy relationships are about.

A healthy sponsor will demonstrate patience and tolerance.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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  Living Just for today only is very important
Posted by: gadaveuk - 03-09-2020, 03:46 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Living Just for today only is very important is taking things slowly.

For me the pains of my past caused me to live in fear stress and anxiety most days.

Then because I was not able to for give myself or be tolerant and patent with myself.

My life was very much unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

It was impossible for me to talk to people to be honest and trust people because of the pains of my past.

Yet by being in the spiritual recovery program as I got more honest about my feelings and emotions my fears reduced gradually.

I am a non religious person yet understand today you do not need to be a religious person to become a healthy person.

I would justify my unhealthy reactions because I could not cope emotionally.

In time I understood that deep down I was a good person yet I could not help myself from reacting in such unhealthy ways.

I use to say that I wanted because of the pains I was experiencing.

For me today is it was not justice I wanted but vengeance I wanted transfer my pains fears and frustration on to other people.

Before my recovery and healing my coping skills were non existent, I would lie to escape responsibility, I would deviate, I would put on a facade, I would put on a to hide the hurt inner child in me.

Because of trauma my emotional age and physical age did not match up.

At what point in my life would I acknowledge my hurt inner child, at what point in my life would my inner child be at  peace.

There was a person whop once said he was glad he was a compulsive gambler, my first reaction he was nuts, then he simply explained that by taking the recovery program seriously and healing over time he became aware of how unhealthy and emotionally vulnerable he was.

My life today is filled with honesty, very little fears, my healthy actions and my healthy words have increased my confidence.

I am able to understand my needs wants and my goals, I face my fears most days.

The only person that limited me was myself.

In the spiritual recovery program I understand that I am an equal, in understanding that simple fact if another person can achieve new skills each day so can I.

Loneliness and isolation was a way of life for me, kept things bottled up with in me.

Being in the spiritual recovery program I understand there is no healthy reason for me to hide from myself or other people.

Being in the spiritual recovery program I learn to trust once more, by talking about my past is not longer about blaming other people.

By talking about my past I am getting resolve and healing my hurt inner child.

There is no limit what I can achieve with my life today, my goals extend further as I achieve more healthy interactions.

My expression of my gratitude and my appreciation is an expression of my healthy values today.

Only when I value myself can I value other people.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  No matter how many times I Gambled I always made things much worse.
Posted by: gadaveuk - 28-08-2020, 03:04 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I was not an evil or bad person, even when I went against my own conscience I felt that I did not have a healthy choice.

How long would it take me to understand that my addictions and obsessions indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I was not a selfish person I was how ever a self destructive person.

The simple truth was I could not trust myself with having money on my person.

I did not want to hand over my money because I felt that I was handing over control of my life.

The spiritual recovery program was a non religious healthy healing process.

I was in time going to make much healthier choices in my life.

I found out that I was ready for counselling when I reduced the fears I had with in myself.

I have been to eleven counselors in my time.

Before my recovery and healing  use to react in such unhealthy ways.

I could react in rage to some thing very silly in my life, in time I would understand that my unhealthy reactions were my hurt inner child lashing out.

I use to react in anger and in time I would understand that anger was due to my feelings of pains fear or frustrations.

I use to be an out ward unhealthy reacting person yet could be a unhealthy suppressive in ward reacting person.

At what point was I going to admit to myself how unhealthy I was.

Yet what was important was to invest more time and energy in to my recovery that the time and energy I put in to my unhealthy habits.

It is a very slow period healing the hurt inner child in me.

It took time for the hurt inner child in me to come and face and deal with the feelings and emotions I was going through.

I questioned what Love was, was it physical, was it emotional, was it possible to love another person if I did not love myself.

I asked once what was love was, I was told that love is giving of your self unconditionally.

In time I do not get frustrated as much as I have reduced my expectations of people life and situations.

Today I understand that me having such high expectations of people life and situations I was causing pains up on myself.

People often ask if I have gambled in such along time do you need to go to meetings.

After time I went to meetings to not gamble but I went to meetings to learn how to cope with life and situation in healthy ways.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  I was so emotionally vulnerable I thought that peoples advice was control issues
Posted by: gadaveuk - 24-08-2020, 10:03 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I was so emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and my obsessions.

I use to have control issues and felt uncomfortable at work.

I use to dread going to work, I use to wish my life away.

I use to have such high expectations of people life and situations and when things did not go my way I would cause myself pains due to my high expectations. 

I thought that peoples advice was control issues, I use to think that the recovery program was going to control my life and was going to stop me gambling.

That is how confused I was, only when I acknowledged that my addictions were very unhealthy for me and my family.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

The spiritual recovery program was going to help me help myself, to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

What is the impact of putting great time and energy in to my life today.

I am less angry, I live in less fear today, in respecting myself I can respect other people.

I am less impatient and intolerant with myself, I do not beat myself up and do not call myself names today.

Each day I have more clarity and healthy focus.

So how did I determine my needs my wants and my goals.

How long to do things willingly, for me how long to move from being obsessive and out of balance to being productive.

The simple fact I could not be trusted having money on my person.

I felt like I was being treated like a little child handing over my money.

Over time I would learn to respect my self and I would learn to respect money.

The simple fact I am not able to heal if I am not willing to admit to myself my pains.

Recovery means healing, am I completely healed today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  I need to return.
Posted by: Hibeetillidie - 21-08-2020, 06:33 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

Hi. 
As the title says, I need to return to ga. 
I've been to the Rotherham meetings previously, longest time was for about 6 months. 
Relapsed a few times and went on and off for a couple of yrs but haven't been for about 3 yrs. 
Previously when there I was generally quite upbeat, didn't really have any debts but just constantly gambled what I had so of course had nothing. 
Lately, however I've been borrowing, credit card, loans etc and things have just gone too far. 
If I was on my own I probably wouldn't be bothered but my wife and kids don't deserve this. 
My wife knows I gamble and surprisingly has stuck with me for 25yrs strangely enough we're really happy and arguments are so rare that I could probably count them on one hand. 
Looking forward to getting to Rotherham meetings again when and if they open. 
Thanks for reading.

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  I healed faced my fears and no longer need to escape to addictions and obsessions
Posted by: gadaveuk - 20-08-2020, 05:33 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

My addictions and obsessions only indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I had already survived some horrific things in my life and yet today I am more complete and whole.

Before my recovery I use to react in such unhealthy ways.

It took time to commit myself to investing time and energy in to my recovery.

It is a healthy thing to have a conscience, when I go against my own conscience I feel guilt and shame.

My addictions and obsessions only indicated that I could not cope emotionally.

One day at a meeting I was informed that the walls of fear I built up to protect myself from being hurt stopped me from getting out and having healthy relationships.

The anger and rage that came out of me indicated that I could not or would not interact in healthy ways.

The anger and rage that came out of me indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed and whole.

I am a non religious person, I questioned if being non religious could I become a healthy person once again.

I did not want to talk about my past because the pains were not healed.

The wording spiritual recovery program indicated that it was a religious organization, in time my reaction to the word spiritual or religious 

In time I would understand that recovery means healing as simple as  that.

Yet could I heal if I did not admit to myself that I had buried pains.

In time I would learn to express my feelings and emotion  in healthy ways.

To understand that recovery means healing that hurt inner child.

The trauma I suffered in so many ways sadly affected my ability to interact in healthy ways.

Being in recovery those walls of mine built on fears would be taken down brick by brick.

My history is very hard to believe, even as a child I tried to take my own life.

I took things that I thought would end my life and in the morning I felt such a failure that I could not commit suicide properly.

I after a short time blanked out the memory of trying t take my own life and in time it would come to surface and I would understand that from an early age I was so emotionally traumatized and could not heal my pains.

Recovery is about healing it is not about right or wrong, it is not about good or bad, it is about what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

For me today addictions and obsessions are very unhealthy, I choose to exchange what is unhealthy in to what is healthy.

To take is an unhealthy habit and change in to a healthy habit.

Before my recovery no idea of how much potential I have with in myself.

How much do I value myself today, how much do I value other people today.

The longer a person takes to abstain from unhealthy habits the harder it gets.

How much do I value the quality of my life today.

The choice is mine today.

Do I want to be a talker or a walker today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  The spiritual recovery program helps me be more honest and less afraid
Posted by: gadaveuk - 14-08-2020, 01:25 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

The spiritual recovery program helps me heal and be more honest and secure in myself.

Every pain in my life caused fears to grow in me.

On walking in to the spiritual recovery program I did not understand how much my fears disabled me in achieving things in my life.

For me panic was very much fear based, the higher the levels of fear I lived in the more likely I would go in to panic mode quickly.

My procrastinating was often fear based, once I was able to talk on a one to one basis I was able to reduce my fears, and think more clearly.

I had a lack of confidence, yes often I would put a facade on which was fear based.

When I was asked how are you I would deviate and say not so bad or I am fine, that was a lie to myself.

My fear of aggression and confrontation was due to the aggression and confrontation of my parents.

Sadly they could not love them self or each other, hence I was ignorant as how to love myself or love other people.

I was not able to love until I reduced the fears in me, and when fears reduce trust grows.

At what point would my pains become clearer.

At what point would my inner child become more healed.

At what point would I get more honest with myself. 

I thought I was a weak person on walking in to spiritual recovery program and in time I would understand that I was a survivor and was not weak.

One day I did a list of how many pains I had experienced in my life, from cuts to my body, understanding how many people had dumped on me in my life, understanding how much emotional abuse I had experienced, there was also neglect and emotion abandonment in my life.

In doing a list helped me understand that there was nothing that had not already been done to me that I had already suffered and experienced.

I was for sure been a victim, yet some how I had become a perpetrator and dumped some of my pains fears and frustrations on to other people.

I understand that when I said I wanted justice in my life was not true, what I was wanting was to dump my my pains fears and frustrations on to other people, that was not justice that was vengeance and was very unhealthy to myself and other people.

I am a non religious person and I do understand that any person can find a healthy recovery and healthy healing if they are dedicated and put as much time and energy in to their recovery as they put in to their addictions and obsessions.

The recovery and the spiritual recovery program is about self commitment.

I understand today that my healthy recovery and my healthy healing could not be done a lone by reading text and books, that true recovery is about healthy interactions and learning to trust once more.

It is only by reducing my fears and healing pains that true recovery comes from with in me.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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  For me no matter when my last bet, it was important to go to meetings
Posted by: gadaveuk - 06-08-2020, 11:34 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

For me no matter when my last bet, it was important to go to meetings, if I had no money go to meetings, no matter who I do not like go to meetings, the safest place for me to be was in meetings.

I use to justify my lies, I use to justify my procrastinations, I use to justify my not being accountable.

I could not heal my hurt inner child if I was not admitting to myself the pains I had experienced.

I use to say I am not so bad, when inside I was crumbling down.

Why was it that I could not accept advice, why was it that I could not articulate  my feelings and my emotions.

Why was it that I could interact with other people in healthy ways.

Why did I think that I was going to be the last person on this planet to give up gambling.

I walked in to the spiritual recovery program lower than dog crap feeling inadequate insecure inept and thinking the only way I could feel successful was by getting some thing for nothing, or taking advantage of other people.

I could not love other people until I learned to love myself.

I could not respect other people until I learned to respect myself.

I could not be patient and tolerant with other people until I learned to be patient and tolerant with myself.

My impatience and tolerance with other people indicated how hard I was on myself.

People talk about honesty how far do we go, honesty about money,  honesty about our lies, honesty about our feeling emotionally vulnerable.

At what point do we have no fears of emotional intimacy.

At what point do no longer live behind walls built of our fears.

The wording spiritual recovery program indicated to me that the recovery program was a religious organization.

I use to react in unhealthy ways at the mention of religion or god.

The I learned that my conscience were based up on spiritual values.

Being in recovery yes I stopped my addiction yet putting more healthy effort in to my life was very hard.

In time I saw the recovery program simular to mountain climbers, we are all tied to each other learning from each other how to take the healthiest paths in our life today.

A healthy sponsor will not bully or manipulate people.

A healthy sponsor will be patient and tolerant, and in our sharing it will be a two way street.

Decision making will be slower and more stable.

I learned that my periods of panic were all fear based, that I could not think clearly or work out how to do things in a slow patient mind.

My expression of gratitude and appreciation was a demonstration of my healthy values and that I cared and valued myself and other people.

Today it is rare to take people or things for granted. 

My expression of gratitude and appreciation improves my relationship with myself and with other people.

The recovery program is not a race, I am not trying to out do other people.

The recovery program helped me slow down my pace in my life today, I no longer have to race my car, I no longer have to take risks which are dangerous to me and other people.

I was a victim in my life.

I was a perpetrator in my life.

I no longer want to be a victim, I no longer want to be a perpetrator today,  I no longer want to be a rescuer today.

For me my recovery was not about being right wrong good or bad, my recovery is about understanding unhealthy and moving towards a healthy life each day.

To exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

If I am and was able to achieve so much with my life then any one can do it.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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