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fighting the urge
My name is Andy a compulsive gambler.Ive managed 5 days clean from the gambling this week.But it has been the hardest week of my existance,purely because last weeks gambling binge hurt me mentally,phsically and financially more than it ever has in the past.Even though ive been in worse positions than this,it really hurt more than ever and the anger and rage I feel towards myself for doing it is immense.Thinking of how hard I had to work again to earn money to just pay my bills,then just go and hand it over to some bookie,makes my blood boil and it sticks in my mind so much it hurts to get up everyday and face the planet.Ive been to ameeting and a Dr this week and will be attending the ga meeting again Sunday,if Im still alive,and see what happens.Right now I cant even think any further than this day as it overwhelms me and makes me even more ill,with the thought of debt,worry,stress,and a daily struggle of so called life.It all seems pointless to me that life should be like this,and full of sadness and pain.But all I can do is not gamble today.Andy
Hi Andy

The days will get easier for you. Take it one day at a time.
5 days clean is a great start.

I realise that life for you at the moment is fairly poor, but it will get better.
Give yourself time. Set easily achievable goals. Don't aim too high or pressure yourself too much at this stage. We have all got to take it one day at a time.

Let us know how your GA meeting goes on Sunday, and how you feel about it.

The other thing you could do is use your Phone Numbers from your GA meeting member list.
Call a member on the list every day, or more often if you feel you need to. Talk to them mate.
They want to help you stop. A quick phone call is often all that is needed to stop the urge.

Best wishes Andy

Thanks again Roy for your continued support.I am trying to speak to a member a couple of times a week.But I find it very difficult talking to anybody.I dont like telling anybody really.I hate it and more often than not I just keep it to myself and when I go to the meetings I say as little as possible.
I hate being like this and going into a shell but that's how things have got now.I used to be a fairly confident type of guy and would think absolutely nothing of going out on my own,although it bothered me.I used to go out partying at weekends on my own if nobody wanted to play and it wouldn't worry me because I would always go and start chatting or just generally have fun.But that person has died now,or so it would seem as now I'm never in the mood to go out.All down to gambling I would say.
Yes, I will try to set achievable goals because right now I can't see beyond the very next day let alone further than that.It worries me every day when I wake upas to what misery that day will bring and the loneliness of another slog of a day,and what for?What do I bother for?I really don't know.Anyway, thanks for your words.
Hi Andy

I will send you a Private Message. You will see this next to User Control Panel at top of screen.

The GA meetings are all about fellowship. Listening, helping, caring, learning.
Some of the members in my GA group took a while to open up. Most were embarassed about what they had done. It's a similar story with a lot of us. Give yourself time.
If you don't want to talk...don't.

What I can say however, is that when you do share your problems, you will feel much better for it.
Nobody can magically take away your problems or worries. Talking about your problems with people who understand, and can empathise with your situation will ease your burden of pain, guilt, anger, sorrow, etc...

Please let us know how you went at the GA meeting tonight.
Talk with you tomorrow.

Best wishes
Hi Andy

I would like to send you a Private Message. Currently your user settings don't allow this.

If you are okay with me being able to send you a private message, please adjust your settings.





Best Wishes
Thanks again Roy for your support.Unfortunately I couldnt read your private message as I have forgotton mypassword or for whatever reason I cant get in to it.Things dont get easier this week,in fact ive felt worse each day as my anger and rage at myself is off the scale.I hate myself for what I did.I had gone 10 whole months and not gambled,then I just threw it all away in a couple of hours in a stinking,hell hole bookies and they ALWAYS gain the day.All that I worked my backside off for in those 10 months I just blew away and as usual,now got nothing,AGAIN.Its happened many,many times before,just that this time I hadnt gone so long without a bet and I had got relatively straight with finances.Now the pain of being ridiculously in much bigger debt,breaks my bones and destroys my mind set because ive got to go and work 20 times harder to put all that straight again.What a dickwod and twat I am,and I know it.
Hi Andy

I would like to send you a private message.

Can you change your preferences to allow private messages please?

If you don't want PM's, that is okay.

Best wishes
I cant get in to get privaate messages as I dont remember my password,as I previously said.It doesnt bother me you dont have to send a private message as I have nothing to hide and no shame left.Im unshockable and nothing in life would really bother me now after all ive put my body and mind through.Thanks Andy
Hi Andy

The PM I was going to send you was re free counselling services that are available in the UK.
Sorry about the 2nd message...I didn't think the first one had been posted.
I am not allowed to post the organisations name on this open forum. <!-- s:oops: --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_redface.gif" alt=":oops:" title="Embarrassed" /><!-- s:oops: -->

I think you would benefit from some professional counselling. I know it helped me a great deal when I felt like you do now. I thought it was all BS, but I have changed my opinion. If you can get a counsellor who you feel comfortable just feels great to open up. This particular organisation offers free online/telephone or face to face counselling. So...if you would feel better by being able to talk ANONYMOUSLY on the phone or online to a counsellor rather than in person, you do have that option.

A lot of CG's have a lapse. When they do, as in your case, they generally gamble more heavily than they ever did.
S**t happens! A momentary lapse on our parts is all it takes.Don't give up on yourself, and don't be too hard on yourself.

You had 10 months clean and had virtually straightened out your financial woes. So you know that it can be achieved. You have done it before & you can do it again.

How was your GA meeting? Are you feeling more comfortable in the meeting? Are you getting any useful information or help through the meeting?

Best wishes

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