19-03-2010, 05:11 AM
Dear someone/myself,
(i'm writing this for the first time, so if it seems v.jumbled i'm sorry).
I am in my 2nd year of University and have, over the course of 2 years, gambled thousands. No one truly knows the extent of my problem bar myself and it's destroying me. I am consistently failing in my exams/assignments and just choosing to gamble till the early hours and failing to get up for lectures.
I feel like i have myself to blame, i know this is probably a bad thing as this depresses me further, acting as a trigger for continued gambling.
I started gambling on fruit machines in pubs, small change here and there. I was "good" at it, and the alcohol loosened and still does the conciousness of my actions. I say i was good at it, but really i'd never won anything prior, and a few pounds won on a bandit was a thrill i'd never experienced before. SOMETHING..... FOR NOTHING!
From then on, i would pursue a win everytime I went to the pub (for a newly turned 18 year old, this was very regular). My friends would joke about it watching me waste precious beer money and it got back to my girlfriend.
Now ... my girlfriend in the love of my life. We are soul mates and rely on each other for everything. However.... I beat myself up constantly as i'm a compulsive liar. It makes me feel sick to think of how i treat her and people around me. I genuinely adore her, but i am too scared to lose her. THIS has, and i know... stemmed from gambling.
In my first year of Uni i received .. hurrah! a massive lump sum of money. My parents are pretty poor but still hold extremely high/strict/outdated morals (my dad's a vicar (although pretty modern minded)). Anyway.... this led to me growing up with little money for myself and to be given a huge amount of money along with a new independence i'd never experienced. I feel still that i'm immature because i don't take hold of my life and fulfil the potential i know i have within me.
Anyway... with this new money.. i went mad (not literally), i spent it on new things for my room and sunk into throwing money about on nights out. I'd feed it into a bandit with no return and think nothing of it. This wasn't a one off, it got worse the more alcohol i drank. (i realise, after reading some of the forums, that alcohol is one of my major triggers). Next came my first trip to the casino. I won on blackjack. OH THE THRILL! (OH NO! another win to fuel my addiction further)
After staying positive and being generally up on how much i'd gambled, i discovered online gambling. I continued to win. Ecstatic, i told my girlfriend because i thought we could spend this bonus together as we rarely got to treat each other. She was dubious, but chuffed that i would treat her. I was now addicted but didn't know it. I didn't even think you could be addicted to gambling, or at least i didn't think it was serious. My government funded bankroll slowly dwindled and likewise my overdraft grew and grew. I did well at college, it got my bursaries and my course gave me thousands in 4 months FREE. I spent it. ALL OF IT. What was i going to do?!!!
I had outgoings that i couldn't afford, i was in more debt and still i kept it to myself, even though it was breaking me.
Finally, it was valentines day, and also mine and my girlfriend's 3rd year anniversary. Because she was under the impression that i was loaded, i couldn't possibly tell her. Then, the night before i had to admit everything to her. She left me alone on valentines in my small halls of residence room. I cried for the first time in a long time. I was devastated. This was the first time it had hit home how much damage i was causing myself. Luckily my girlfriend was very forgiving and she actually had to lend me money to live off. I stopped gambling. I WAS at rockbottom. I couldn't gamble, have a social life, do anything because i had NO MONEY left. This was good for me but i shouldn't have had to live like that just because i couldn't trust myself with money (and access any).
Sadly, and i can understand why, what i'd done was always at the back of my girlfriends mind and i knew it. Also, my parents had given me no support, and i was a huge burden on her and the guilt racked up.
My next loan/grant came in. i didn't gamble. I paid off my debts, i was a free man again. No ties to anything. I felt great, but then... slowly, (a different website this time) i fell back into gambling. It was because of boredom, not enjoying my uni course, as ever.... the booze, and the subconscious greed i have within me.
I told no1 again, and started to lose severely yet again. By now i was in my 2nd year and my extensive financial plan was no longer in action. All the plans i'd made to make sure my life wouldn't fall into gambling fell through.
I needed money fast. I borrowed money off my brother who is to this day, the only person who slightly knows the extent of my recent gambling problems. I opened another bank account with an interest free overdraft and maxed that likewise.
And finally, here i am now, preparing for Easter and my oblivious girlfriend's birthday. I have very little money (which is borrowed anyway) and i am on the edge of breaking down. I have failed my exams, lied to my parents about my results, spent my bursary which was meant to be in savings, and can't get it out of my head how much i have screwed up.
Just by writing this account is a start, and if anyone has attempted reading this then i'd be hugely grateful for any response. I apologise again for it's sheer length but i needed to go in detail for my sake.
It's the 19th of March and potentially, this could be the last day I gamble. That in itself brings a very rare smile to my face.
Jake
(i'm writing this for the first time, so if it seems v.jumbled i'm sorry).
I am in my 2nd year of University and have, over the course of 2 years, gambled thousands. No one truly knows the extent of my problem bar myself and it's destroying me. I am consistently failing in my exams/assignments and just choosing to gamble till the early hours and failing to get up for lectures.
I feel like i have myself to blame, i know this is probably a bad thing as this depresses me further, acting as a trigger for continued gambling.
I started gambling on fruit machines in pubs, small change here and there. I was "good" at it, and the alcohol loosened and still does the conciousness of my actions. I say i was good at it, but really i'd never won anything prior, and a few pounds won on a bandit was a thrill i'd never experienced before. SOMETHING..... FOR NOTHING!
From then on, i would pursue a win everytime I went to the pub (for a newly turned 18 year old, this was very regular). My friends would joke about it watching me waste precious beer money and it got back to my girlfriend.
Now ... my girlfriend in the love of my life. We are soul mates and rely on each other for everything. However.... I beat myself up constantly as i'm a compulsive liar. It makes me feel sick to think of how i treat her and people around me. I genuinely adore her, but i am too scared to lose her. THIS has, and i know... stemmed from gambling.
In my first year of Uni i received .. hurrah! a massive lump sum of money. My parents are pretty poor but still hold extremely high/strict/outdated morals (my dad's a vicar (although pretty modern minded)). Anyway.... this led to me growing up with little money for myself and to be given a huge amount of money along with a new independence i'd never experienced. I feel still that i'm immature because i don't take hold of my life and fulfil the potential i know i have within me.
Anyway... with this new money.. i went mad (not literally), i spent it on new things for my room and sunk into throwing money about on nights out. I'd feed it into a bandit with no return and think nothing of it. This wasn't a one off, it got worse the more alcohol i drank. (i realise, after reading some of the forums, that alcohol is one of my major triggers). Next came my first trip to the casino. I won on blackjack. OH THE THRILL! (OH NO! another win to fuel my addiction further)
After staying positive and being generally up on how much i'd gambled, i discovered online gambling. I continued to win. Ecstatic, i told my girlfriend because i thought we could spend this bonus together as we rarely got to treat each other. She was dubious, but chuffed that i would treat her. I was now addicted but didn't know it. I didn't even think you could be addicted to gambling, or at least i didn't think it was serious. My government funded bankroll slowly dwindled and likewise my overdraft grew and grew. I did well at college, it got my bursaries and my course gave me thousands in 4 months FREE. I spent it. ALL OF IT. What was i going to do?!!!
I had outgoings that i couldn't afford, i was in more debt and still i kept it to myself, even though it was breaking me.
Finally, it was valentines day, and also mine and my girlfriend's 3rd year anniversary. Because she was under the impression that i was loaded, i couldn't possibly tell her. Then, the night before i had to admit everything to her. She left me alone on valentines in my small halls of residence room. I cried for the first time in a long time. I was devastated. This was the first time it had hit home how much damage i was causing myself. Luckily my girlfriend was very forgiving and she actually had to lend me money to live off. I stopped gambling. I WAS at rockbottom. I couldn't gamble, have a social life, do anything because i had NO MONEY left. This was good for me but i shouldn't have had to live like that just because i couldn't trust myself with money (and access any).
Sadly, and i can understand why, what i'd done was always at the back of my girlfriends mind and i knew it. Also, my parents had given me no support, and i was a huge burden on her and the guilt racked up.
My next loan/grant came in. i didn't gamble. I paid off my debts, i was a free man again. No ties to anything. I felt great, but then... slowly, (a different website this time) i fell back into gambling. It was because of boredom, not enjoying my uni course, as ever.... the booze, and the subconscious greed i have within me.
I told no1 again, and started to lose severely yet again. By now i was in my 2nd year and my extensive financial plan was no longer in action. All the plans i'd made to make sure my life wouldn't fall into gambling fell through.
I needed money fast. I borrowed money off my brother who is to this day, the only person who slightly knows the extent of my recent gambling problems. I opened another bank account with an interest free overdraft and maxed that likewise.
And finally, here i am now, preparing for Easter and my oblivious girlfriend's birthday. I have very little money (which is borrowed anyway) and i am on the edge of breaking down. I have failed my exams, lied to my parents about my results, spent my bursary which was meant to be in savings, and can't get it out of my head how much i have screwed up.
Just by writing this account is a start, and if anyone has attempted reading this then i'd be hugely grateful for any response. I apologise again for it's sheer length but i needed to go in detail for my sake.
It's the 19th of March and potentially, this could be the last day I gamble. That in itself brings a very rare smile to my face.
Jake