03-07-2011, 12:56 AM
My name is Jane, 38 years old, and I am a compulsive gambler. I am powerless over gambling and my life have become unmanageable. That part i have down. I have been evicted once, luckily only once, and I have lost everything three times in ten years. I know that I am powerless. However I am struggling with step two. Feels embarrassing to admit since it seems to be an easy enough step: "I believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to a normal way of thinking and living". And of course my struggle also reflects on number three: "I decide to turn my will and my life over over to the care of this Power of my understanding". Why is this so difficult for me to embrace? It still feels like I am the one who has to fight my addiction, that I am the one who alone has to be strong, AND since I sincerly distrust myself this leaves me with feelings of hopelessness, lonelyness and disbelief that I will ever recover. I am a selfdestructive and selfloathing person and perhaps I will never be able to allow myself to be happy. But why?! To surrender myself to a higher Power is frightening but also a very positive image that fills me with tears, tears of relief. But I dont know how to accomplish this....?
I can´t go on living like this. I know its not about the money. Since even if I at the time I have no immediate moneyproblems I still can´t resist to gamble. And even if I for now only play freerolls the effect it has on my emotional wellbeing is detrimental. AND I KNOW ITS JUST A MATTER OF TIME TIL I FALL AGAIN. And I don´t know how many times I will have the strength to pull myself back up again... If anyone of you would like to write and talk about how you were able to embrace the second and third step I would really appreciate it.
The best regards to all of u!
I can´t go on living like this. I know its not about the money. Since even if I at the time I have no immediate moneyproblems I still can´t resist to gamble. And even if I for now only play freerolls the effect it has on my emotional wellbeing is detrimental. AND I KNOW ITS JUST A MATTER OF TIME TIL I FALL AGAIN. And I don´t know how many times I will have the strength to pull myself back up again... If anyone of you would like to write and talk about how you were able to embrace the second and third step I would really appreciate it.
The best regards to all of u!