03-09-2011, 08:47 AM
Hello everyone...
First of all I'd like to thank those who replied, its good to get a perspective from others. When I last posted I was in the depths of despair over my addiction, and keen to seek out a meeting. I found there was one in Norwich, an hour away, and by coincidence on the same road my nephew lives. The meeting is held in a church, which put me off slightly as it gave me the impression of ties to religion, something I have no interest in at all. I then realised I was just looking for excuses not to go. I still haven't been, because the despair I felt when I first posted has subsided as payday drew nearer. Having been paid I have already spent a portion of my wages in the bookies. I went out shopping with my sister yesterday but was reluctant to purchase anything unless i'd won the money, so I went to several different bookmakers, attempting to win a small amount in each one. Shortly I found myself hundreds down, and then borrowed more off my sister to 'buy some shoes'. Lost that as well, and had to endure a miserable journey home having explained roughly what had happened, as my 11 year old niece looked on with disapproval. I woke up this morning feeling utterly worthless and angry. I've paid my sister back and still have wages left but I know its a matter of time before I'm skint again. Its what i'm used to, and seem resigned to it happening. I've identified boredom as the main reason I gamble, but its many factors. I didn't need to gamble whilst out shopping, I wasn't bored, but part of me thought 'how can I screw this shopping trip up?' combined with not wanting to spend my wages on clothes etc, when I can gamble with it.
I look at people around me, happy couples, groups of friends enjoying themselves and individuals who look confident and focused. Then I look at myself. I do things alone, gamble alone, eat alone, shop alone. I'll probably die alone. Women used to take a casual interest in me, but I used to deflect the attention. 'Why would anyone subject themselves to a relationship with me?' I'd think. Now i'd quite like to meet someone, but realise I don't have a clue about women, because all my life i've immersed myself in gambling.
For me it seems to be about the risk involved, I was up a small amount very quickly, but I felt I couldn't stop as I hadn't really started yet. I wanted to experience not only the thrill of winning, but the full range of emotions, the joy of hitting my favourite number on roulette, the relief of nearly going skint but clawing the money back, the sense of control I feel when I'm in good profit, even the sick misery of losing it all. Its like a fairground ride.
Anyway I have changed my hours at work so that I can go to the next meeting, and I will happily report back with my experience of it. I'm not expecting any miracles, but to leave their with the feeling that I can beat my addiction over time will be good enough.
Regards.
First of all I'd like to thank those who replied, its good to get a perspective from others. When I last posted I was in the depths of despair over my addiction, and keen to seek out a meeting. I found there was one in Norwich, an hour away, and by coincidence on the same road my nephew lives. The meeting is held in a church, which put me off slightly as it gave me the impression of ties to religion, something I have no interest in at all. I then realised I was just looking for excuses not to go. I still haven't been, because the despair I felt when I first posted has subsided as payday drew nearer. Having been paid I have already spent a portion of my wages in the bookies. I went out shopping with my sister yesterday but was reluctant to purchase anything unless i'd won the money, so I went to several different bookmakers, attempting to win a small amount in each one. Shortly I found myself hundreds down, and then borrowed more off my sister to 'buy some shoes'. Lost that as well, and had to endure a miserable journey home having explained roughly what had happened, as my 11 year old niece looked on with disapproval. I woke up this morning feeling utterly worthless and angry. I've paid my sister back and still have wages left but I know its a matter of time before I'm skint again. Its what i'm used to, and seem resigned to it happening. I've identified boredom as the main reason I gamble, but its many factors. I didn't need to gamble whilst out shopping, I wasn't bored, but part of me thought 'how can I screw this shopping trip up?' combined with not wanting to spend my wages on clothes etc, when I can gamble with it.
I look at people around me, happy couples, groups of friends enjoying themselves and individuals who look confident and focused. Then I look at myself. I do things alone, gamble alone, eat alone, shop alone. I'll probably die alone. Women used to take a casual interest in me, but I used to deflect the attention. 'Why would anyone subject themselves to a relationship with me?' I'd think. Now i'd quite like to meet someone, but realise I don't have a clue about women, because all my life i've immersed myself in gambling.
For me it seems to be about the risk involved, I was up a small amount very quickly, but I felt I couldn't stop as I hadn't really started yet. I wanted to experience not only the thrill of winning, but the full range of emotions, the joy of hitting my favourite number on roulette, the relief of nearly going skint but clawing the money back, the sense of control I feel when I'm in good profit, even the sick misery of losing it all. Its like a fairground ride.
Anyway I have changed my hours at work so that I can go to the next meeting, and I will happily report back with my experience of it. I'm not expecting any miracles, but to leave their with the feeling that I can beat my addiction over time will be good enough.
Regards.