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starting again
Hi my name is ...... I'm a compulsive gambler.
I have said those words many times over the last 10 years as I have attended ga periodically never managing more than 9 months of abstinence.  My time over the past 2 years  since March 2014 has changed remarkably. My lapses are less damaging and shorter in duration before I put my pride and emembarrassment behind me and return to the rooms to start again. 
I used to read the forum regularly and even think myself wise enough to offer my opinion to others. I have recently reread what I wrote then 18 months ago and can no longer see myself as that person who wrote in sincerity of how I felt back then.
My head is confused I can not reconcile that I wrote those responses. This illness of ours is so insidious that it changes gradually , unnoticeable to your consciousness till you return to gambling ways. 
I have so much respect for those on long periods of recovery and those like myself who are unable to resist the urges from within but keep returning in the hope of succeeding.
I have written this for no other reason than to express my thoughts . To get it out of my head in the hope of finding some clarity to find a path to recovery.
I recognise your experiences in my recovery Rovit. The path to compulsive gambling addiction is rarely a straight forward one. The good thing is GA does have an answer, the 12 step recovery program, sponsorship, fellowship and meetings.

I accept for an addict though accepting that first step that compulsive gambling has got me beaten is the hardest step...who wants to admit that something has them beaten? Not I for a long time...and even now I have moments the addiction reminds me i'm recovering and not recovered.

will enjoy your future thoughts soon i hope...
Smartie x
Thanks all
The road a head can be two fold I can abstain be miserable and no doubt return to the demon or embrace my recovery accept who I am and try to be my personal higher power .a better human being. I am just finding that difficult to get my head around and search out that extra bit that will help maintain my positive outlook.
posted by rovit....

I really don't know what to write.i have no major issues in my life since my last bet 3 weeks ago. I'm getting some you haven't paid this letters but having been a relapsing gambler for the last 10 years they aren't as scary as they once we're.
I just have an urge to think and write about my gambling.
As part of my recovery I try to give part of my day to thinking about gambling. Read the ga literature or the shared posts on here( some I can't seem to access). My head is not thinking clearly but I'm not having gambling thoughts but that might be because I haven't any money. I am aware it's payday in a couple o weeks and am building up the strength not to blow it all.
I I have access to cash and the urge hits me I don't seem able to stop it. I have stopped carrying my bank card . My particular poison is machine roulette and on my journey to work I pass numerous bookies on my 50 minute journey.
I want to recover and know I can only do this by working at my addiction . I accept that I am a compulsive gambler and my life is unmanageable when I ganble. My problems are making am mends to people I have harmed. The problem is I can't find it in me. So when I start to think more clearly and my outlook is far better I never manage to get that step. Making peace with my ex wife. The marriage ended 8 years ago and we never speak communicating only about the kids when essential. As they are now in there late teens that Is very rare.. one side of me is that she is fine in her life now why would she want to rake over the past but as I search to find a way to prolong my peiods of abstinence to longer than the usual 6 to 9 months is it not doing this step that holding me back
Thanks for reading this. The thoughts of a confused compulsive gambler
Thanks for the advice. There was a discussion at the meeting the other evening about making amends if it doesn't harm others . I'm even more confused now. It's something I really don't want to do and can't really see what she would gain from it .or is that just an excuse

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