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Breaking Pattern
Day 89

I wish I had like a therapist that was actually good to me and high income
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Day 89

I am struggling with the plan I want to implement after 90 days is up

Part of me is thinking gambling on certain things isn't too bad

And that moderation is better than abstinence

The main problem is income and emotional issues

Part of me doesn't even see a solution

Like there is no other way out

Because there isn't
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Day 89

I think the main problem I am having is coming to terms with the big loss

Because, I can for example, earn one third of the loss back

I could even earn all of my gambling losses back without gambling with 180 days of restraint and living like a monk income wise

The problem is, even after the next 180 days, and even with the loss back, it is like I still have a problem accepting that I didn't end gambling on the up

Like, I'd rather end gambling as a winner on my last big bet, and walk away, regardless of the money

Part of my ego feels like a loser for never winning big and quitting

So this concerns me

Also the fact I can't do the next 180 days like a monk and that I can't manage money effectively in terms of I may set out to live like a monk and then realise I missed a great opportunity because of that

I think perhaps as a reward for 90 days I could spend 1/3 of recouped gambling losses on a non-gambling thing I want, and then after the next 180 days, spend 2/3 of recouped gambling losses. This is like a personal karmic debt ritual attempt and way at justifying spending big on myself over spending big on gambling.

I think these plans are great. But I also think I do not execute them. It is like a procrastination exercise to move forward in positive framing of losses. At least perspective will be gained if I live the next 180 days like a monk.
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Day 90 starting

Worth noting I didn't give up
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Day 90

I don't feel it was worth it

My family situation is still sh** as is my income

I don't like the world and I want to die
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It's very difficult to read. 90 days clean should be a cause for celebration, not thinking as you do. Your mind is clearly all over the place. No one ever said giving up gambling was going to be easy or make living normally again any time easier, especially as we generally use gambling as our escape from real life.
Regarding money, I was told to draw a line in the sand. Any money from before has gone and if you try to win it back you'll only make things worse. Right it off. Financially you should be better off if you are working or have an income.
Dealing with life problems is another issue. If you aren't getting the support from a GA meeting go and see an expert outside of the rooms. Have an open mind that you get out of it what you put in. If that means truthfully opening up to someone then you need to do it.
You've mentioned here that you've worked the steps before. As difficult as they are, I suggest doing them again, and try and clear your mind of your problematic feelings.
Are you sharing your thoughts within a GA meeting. Get it out in the room and leave it there and be open to take advice from others within the room who may have gone through what you are going through.
Are there any positives that you can take from being 90 days clean? I'd love to hear some positives.
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First and foremost well done for getting to your 90 days.

There is nothing to say you can't push on from this and keep writing. Compulsive gambling is one of the most baffling, insidious, compulsive addictions. To recover from compulsive gambling going down the GA route of recovery will require, diligent effort, honesty, open-mindedness and willingness. That goes in to further detail in the Q and A (Orange book) page 10. I read this book every day, and it has been paramount in my own recovery.

I have read back in your past posts saying you been through the 12 steps of recovery? I am going through them myself at the moment and step 4 is the most emotionally painful task I have ever done in my life. Did you feel the 12 Steps did not work for you? As a suggestion, would you consider going through them again? Maybe with another sponsor?

If you would ever like to chat to me more direct, I am in the chat room most days. I am still learning myself, but I can share with you my experience of my 16 years as a compulsive gambler, and how that made me feel.

Gamblers Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who have joined together to do something about their own gambling problem and to help other compulsive gamblers with experience, strength and hope.

I would also say, if you're feeling in a dark place, I would suggest speaking to a doctor or a medical professional, they are very knowledgeable people and will be able to offer expert advice. You are not alone.

In Unity
Martin
My name is Martin, I am a compulsive gambler, my last bet was 29.9.2017. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
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So one positive from 90 days clean is that my sports team lost today and I am not emotionally invested in hedging the result.

In other words, I predicted accurately the score they would lose by and don't feel bad for not putting on a bet. So I feel clean there.

As for the other personal issues it is really just a vent.

Albeit quite a dark place to be in.

I'm going to aim for 180 days and without posting here as I was using posts as an emotional crutch as opposed to placing bets.

I guess I haven't really solved the deep life issues that made gambling a welcome break.

However I did solve the emotional attachment to betting on sports, so I guess I enjoy sports as a release without gambling even with losing or being right about a result I didn't bet on.

What I mean is my biggest gambling losses have came via bets that I thought were right.

---

Regarding GA and 12 steps, I am unable to attend local meetings and had no sponsor which is why I substituted here. It is not recommended to do them without these things but I figured it was better to try than nothing.

Regarding GP, I have been down that route for 3 years and had no success. In general I am a loner but have reached out to multiple counselors. Some of them encourage addiction as opposed to supporting it, for example, not seeing why it is wrong to place a bet if it is the only thing I am good at and brings me joy. Others say I am too punitive regarding my strict approaches, others I just don't feel support me or I am able to talk to.

So it is not always helpful to open up to the wrong people and not able to find the right people. No one is perfect either and as a man I feel there is no one really.

I still have three hours left until 90 days completed. Abstaining is one thing, building a better life another. So 180 days of a new positive habit such as waking up at 4am and doing 1 Hour exercise is something I am contemplating. But I may need like an exercise forum or something for that as an example to hold accountable or may fail at that a few times before succeeding.

Regardless it is good for this forum being open in order to share my journey to 90 days.
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