Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
The people in the spiritual recovery program were going to help me help myself
#1
My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler!
I use to think that some one or some thing would stop me gambling, it did not happen that way, the only person that could stop me gambling was myself.
The people in the spiritual recovery program were going to help me help myself to become a much healthier person.
I use to think that I loved Gambling that it was fun and exciting, now today I understand that my addiction my Gambling was a way or me escaping people life and situations when I could not cope emotionally.
I feel that using wording like good or bad or right or wrong are not very healthy.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program feeling that gambling controlled my life, by the way I am a non religious person, I do believe in spiritual values yet not in religion way, gambling was a way of me deviating facing myself, deviating facing responsibility for my life and my actions.
I understand that any one can find a healthy life in the recovery program, for me recovery means healing, and in time I would acknowledge that my inner child had been hurting for a very along time.
The healthy people in the recovery program would demonstrate healthy interactions with myself and with other people.
The healthy people in the recovery program would help me over come my fears, one a one to one basis people would demonstrate nurturing and encouraging to me, healthy people would demonstrate how to be honest with out adversely affecting other people or myself, would demonstrate how to be free of all fears in being honest and being myself.
In my life the more risk taking the higher the levels of fear in me, with each lie came more fears.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program feeling so ignorant as to how unhealthy I was, over time I would understand that living in any kind of fear was disabling for me in my growth and with relationships with other people.
I was and am still today a non religious person, if any person who sticks with the spiritual recovery program will find that unhealthy feelings of guilt shame regret anger jealousy envy hatred fear those unhealthy feelings will be replaced with faith hope pride confidence and pride in oneself.
As I took the spiritual recovery program more seriously investing time and effort I found that my feelings towards myself changed.
For me the spiritual recovery program was understanding what spiritual values are all about.
Even though I am a nonreligious person I embrace all healthy spiritual values.
For me the spiritual recovery program I was understanding how inept inadequate and how insecure I was, in time I would heal that hurt inner child.
As a child I experienced emotional abuse, I experienced sexual abuse, I experienced physical abuse, I experienced abandonment, I also experienced neglect.
As a child I experienced fear of my parents and I experienced fear of emotional intimacy, in time I would open up more and become content and whole.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program feeling very inept as a man, feeling very inept as a husband, feeling very inept as a person.
I did not understand that I felt I was not responsible for my actions, long before my addictions and obsessions.
In my life I have played the part of victim perpetrator and rescuer and for me none of those rolls are healthy in any way.
Today I understand that every perpetrator has been a victim at some time or other, that today I have empathy for those unhealthy perpetrators.
Today I understand that my life was unmanageable emotionally long before my fist bet or my fist drink or my first obsession, that I also understand there are unhealthy and healthy ways to get things or do things in our life today.
I encourage people to question and understand every avenue of their recovery, to be stimulated and excited by taking up healthy habits.
People find it strange that I am very pleased that I am a compulsive gambler because without the spiritual recovery program I would have never found out how emotionally unhealthy I was and how much I was missing not living a spiritual world.
I am very much a nonreligious person.
The spiritual recovery program feeling helps me help myself become a healthy spiritual person one day at a time taking slow baby steps each and every day.
How hard could it be for me to grasp that step one was about surrender acceptance strength and understanding when I felt emotionally vulnerable and to understand what my emotionally triggers were.
The more I get in to the spiritual recovery program the more I understand accept the serenity prayer.
The spiritual recovery program never stopped me gamble, that was my choice, I know for sure that each time I gambled it made my life much worse.
With my addiction of gambling I was getting more and more weaker, as the lies grew my fears grew, as my fears grew I feared more and more emotional intimacy with other people, even with the very people that loved me.
I was born completely fearless.
By adult age I was filled with fears due to the pains of my child hood.
At adult physical age I was already emotionally stunted.
Pains were never healed if they were buried or suppressed, my rage and anger were an indicator my pains were never healed or resolved.
So with each fear I would need to face them one by one, in asking asking myself what is the worst that could happen with each event and each fear over time my fears would fade to very small little levels.
In understanding I felt emotionally vulnerable when I could not heal the pain I was in, when I could not face the fears I was feeling, when I could not understand my frustrations I was going through, when I could not deal with my feelings of loneliness and isolation I use to put myself through and I could not deal with my feelings of boredom.
Is the life I am living today the same as the first day I walked in to the spiritual recovery program not at all today
I do have lots more choices in how to live my life today
I often use to say people I am fine even when knew I was not well in myself I still hid how vulnerable I use to feel within myself.
I was very much an adrenaline junkie long before my first bet or my first drink.
I even use to think that the spiritual recovery program would inhibit me from living a full healthy life, or what I use to think was a healthy life.
My belief system is very much about healthy spiritual interaction with all people, the recovery program was going to help me help myself and over time I was going to become very selfish about my recovery my healing and my maturing and growth.
If people do not respect them self then it is very unlikely they will be able to respect me.
If people are unhealthy to my well being I do not associate with those people.
Will fear filled people transfer their fears on to other people.
Abstaining was not enough for me in the old days and abstaining on its own is not enough for me today on its own.
Step two was a about gaining faith and trusting once more, because I had spent so much time and energy giving up all faith and hope in myself.
In order for me to be more patient with other people I needed to learn to be more patient and tolerant with myself.
Money lost is gone, it certainly is not coming back to me in any easy way.
Money was never going to heal me or help me learn to grow up to be a more spiritual with myself and with other people.
On walking in to recovery did I think I was hurting myself or other people. Well I was not willing to accept responsibility for myself.
Every action has consequences, every unhealthy action has unhealthy consequences, every healthy action has healthy consequences.
Abstaining and doing nothing with my time was hard time and the only person I was fighting was myself.
Healthy spiritual interaction were missing when I went against my own conscience and went against spiritual values.
In fact I would say that being obsessed and in an addiction meant I was either living in the very painful feelings and guilt regret and shames of my past.
When in action in my addictions and obsessions I use to isolate myself from healthy interactions with other people.
It took me over 23 years which is 30% of my life to learn the true meaning of spiritual recovery and the full understanding of step one.
I also learned that I did not have to have any belief system what so ever to accept and understand step two, that the power of step two was the wording come to believe.
A man of long standing in recovery helped me understand the importance of step two very clearly come to believe was about me going to meetings and witnessing the spiritual growth and change in other people.
In those people honesty I would see myself.
If we see and feel we are all equals then if another person can achieve growth then I can.
Funny enough in order to grasp step two a person does not require any belief system what so ever in order to come to believe and it has nothing to do about religion what so ever and is very much about spiritual growth.
In my life people did not stress me out sadly I stressed myself out, and now understand that stress anxiety worry nervousness and depression were all fear based issues.
I highly recommended in the rooms of recovery that the people question everything about recovery, even this last week I recommended that people picked out the steps and questioned and talked about each step.
With regards the accountability I now understand that the gambling establishments did not steal from me and my family I did, the gambling establishments did not lie to my family I did.
With any obsession or addiction the balance of my life was all out, for me to be healthy I need to have eight hours to fulfill my needs, I need to have eight hours to fulfill my wants and my RR time. I need to have eight hours to fulfill my rest and sleep time.
I am also a person that can operate from a subconscious level in doing things that need or wanted to be done.
Before recovery I feared using tolls that I had not been taught how to use, in recovery I got to learn about power tools, wood working tools, and during those times my artistic and creative flare came out.
I have since beginning of my recovery made a king size bed from my own design, I have my wife a hope chest, I have designed two patents.
The reason I ask people to choose topics to read and talk about is to allow people to give their perspective of recovery and to question every avenue of every recovery.
Different people will have a different views and opinions about what we think is success, some think it is very much about money and material things, some people think that money is power and that controlling people makes tem powerful.
One time a person said do not tell me what recovery is about show me, in other words, talk is cheap, in overcoming each of our fears we can say we overcome the unhealthy programming of our child hood and overcome our own fears that have haunted us most of our life.
For me being successful is having a healthy relationship with everyone healthy or otherwise, being successful is about living healthy interaction life with all people.
My reaction to the unhealthy past is fully my responsibility, my reaction in my anger is my responsibility, healing my emotional scars of my past is fully my responsibility.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
AKA Dave L
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)