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Gambling establishments did not hurt me I hurt myself

I am a non religious person and in time would understand that any person can find a healthy recovery if they do the work.

The gambling establishments were places I use to go to escape people life and situations I could not with emotionally.

The recovery program and more so healthy people in it would help me see and feel that I was emotionally vulnerable.

Being in the recovery program I would identify that my emotional age and my physical age were not the same.

The people in the recovery program would help me understand what my emotional triggers were.

To understand what would cause me to run on adrenaline, what would cause me to go against my own conscience, what would cause me to lie and decieve people.

I had a very painful abusive time as a child, I was emotionally abused, I was physically abused, I was sexually abused, I was not nurtured and protected, and on occasions I was physically abandoned and emotionally abandoned.

My emotional; triggers were my feelings of my pains my feelings of fear, my feelings of frustrations, my feelings of loneliness, my feelings of boredom.

I am often asked if I am a counsellor, I am not.

This last week I was asked how long was I in recovery, fifty years, since 1969.

I was often asked if I have not gambled in such a long time why attend meetings.

I do not go to meetings because I am emotionally vulnerable towards gambling.

I go to meetings because I am becoming a much healthier person.

I understand that the pains of my life caused fears in me.

I understand today is not healthy to live in any kind of fear.

I understand today I could not love other people until I loved myself.

I understand today I could not respect other people until I respected myself.

My anger was a very unhealthy reaction to people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally .

Each time I went back to my addictions and obsessions I needed to understand what triggered me back to unhealthy habits.

The recovery program is about healing the hurt inner child in me.

The recovery program would be unable to heal me if I was not willing to admit to myself I was in pain.

On day one walking in to the recovery program I would not be able to admit that i was emotionally traumatized.

I could not articulate my feelings and my emotions.

I could not communicate in healthy ways.

I could not explain in any why I tried to go back to unhealthy escaping habits.

I could not explain why I could not stop myself.

I could not explain why I could not trust myself with money.

I could not explain why I could that the highs in my risk taking were adrenaline based.

Not many how many people questioned me about my addictions and obsessions I could not explain my helplessness.

Did the gambling establishments make me feel emotionally vulnerable.

No the gambling establishments make it possible for me to escape people life and situations I could not cope with.

By going to the gambling establishments I would make things much worse, I would hurt myself and hurt other people.

By going the gambling establishments I would cause myself more pains and more fears.

Did I think that getting easy money would make me feel successful in myself.

By going back to the gambling establishments time and time I would lose all faith and hope in myself.

The recovery program was not going to fix me.

The recovery program was not going to make me do anything I did not want to do.

The recovery program was going to make me aware of how unhealthy I was.

The recovery program was going to make me want more of myself.

The recovery program was not going to make me think I was right wrong or good or bad.

The recovery program was not going to make me aware of what is healthy and what is unhealthy.

The recovery program was not going to make me change what is unhealthy in to what is healthy.

To not feel ashamed of who I am today.

The recovery program would help me make healthier choices one by one.

Just for today I will not gamble.

The recovery program is very much like mountain climbers, in being tied to like minded people their healthy experiences, their skills would become my skills.

How much do I want to be healthy today.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

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