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How could I possible think that I loved gambling

I was so filled with fear anxiety stress on walking in to the recovery program I even thought that the recovery program would control me and my life.

Sadly I had over time lived in so many fears they seemed normal to me.

How could I possible think that I loved gambling, that gambling was the only thin in life to stimulate me and make me think that I loved it.

I had over time got to live the buzz the adrenaline rush that life it self seemed very boring.

How was I ever going to abstain from Gambling, at what time would I understand that Gambling was self destructive.

By going to the recovery program I would understand that every time I Gambled I simple made things in my life much worse.

There was no success in getting something for nothing, for me success was a feeling I would get by me having healthy actions and healthy words.

Before my recovery I did not  success in myself, it was implied that having pride was an unhealthy thing, no the exact opposite success is a consequence of my healthy actions and my a consequence of my healthy words.

For me the recovery program was going to help me understand my emotional triggers, my pains that were not healed, my fears that were not faced, my frustrations that were due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations when thing did not go the way I wanted them to go.

For me to understand my emotional triggers due to my feelings of loneliness and my fears of emotional intimacy,  to understand my emotional triggers due to my feelings of boredom and not being able to value myself any more.

Only when I was able to love myself could I love other people.

The recovery program was only a manual to finding a healthy life.

The recovery program could not stop me gambling, that was going to be my own choice.

The recovery program could not stop me lying, that was going to be my own choice.

The recovery program would help me set boundaries that I no longer hurt myself or hurt other people.

Was I a victim because of my addictions and because of my obsessions, my addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

By sticking with my recovery, reading text was not enough for me, I need to put practice in to my recovery.

The more time I shared at meetings talking through my therapies could I see and feel myself in other people experiences but more importantly I would find resolve to feeling so emotionally vulnerable.

As I attended meetings my fears reduced, my trust grew and over time I felt more comfortable in myself.

Was I a victim as a child, yes for sure, knowing how painful it was being a victim did I in turn out to be a perpetrator in myself, not able to have empathy for myself or empathy for other people.

I had been a victim of so many unhealthy people in my child hood, I had suffered emotional abuse, I had suffered abuse due to emotional neglect, I had suffered sexual abuse, I had suffered physical abuse, and when I entered the recovery program I had got in to the unhealthy habit of abusing myself, I even use to beat myself up, was that in any way healthy.

As I got more in to attending meetings with like minded people I gave up talking about my addiction, I gave up talking about money lost, I got in to  talking about my feelings and my emotions, the more therapies I gave I exposed more and more the hurt inner child in me.

In my life I have had thirty seven jobs, I left school with no qualifications what so ever.

My confidence my self esteem were so low all I could see was very little worth in myself.

I started to attend meetings for myself, I became a selfish person, I opened up so much so that my suppressed feelings and emotions came to surface, I was able to cry for my hurt inner child, I was able to laugh at myself, I was able to forgive myself and understand that I was not an evil person, that I was not an stupid person, I was just a very vulnerable person.

I was to understand when I was emotionally vulnerable and how to cope with people life and situations in much healthier ways.

My every unhealthy reactions to people life and situations changed to healthy interactions and my fears reduced.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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