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Just coming on here as a way of updating and keeping my addiction at the forefront of my mind. On Wednesday 2nd September, I passed the 90 day mark with no gambling. Its been strange and I don't feel as much sense of achievement as I did last time I achieved this and I think its down to things being done differently this time round and not attending any physical meetings. Its a shame as my area is on the cause for concern list if you like with Covid so I am unsure what the time frame is going to be until I can go back to a psychical meeting, but I am checking the list constantly.

My life is going well. I am doing ok at work, I am a probably healthier and fitter than I have ever been exercising regularly. My partner has recently come back into my life and that's made the world of difference in terms of the change in my mood. Things have been great, but I know that there is going to be occasions where we have blips or I am not believed with things, but I know I need to be patient on this front and accept this as it occurs due to what I have done in the past. In these times its where I need to be strongest most.

Hopefully it is not long now, as I know it will keep me so motivated getting back to a physical meeting on a regular basis.

My last bet was the 3rd June 2020, long may that continue.
I am now nearing the 4 month mark into my recovery and abstinence from gambling. Although the world is still in a bit of a strange place, I feel like I am in a good place, a secure place. A place where my mind is currently free from gambling thoughts, free from worry, free from financial burdens as they no longer have a hold of me. Yes I am still in debt, but to me now these are just numbers, payments which I make each month and still have a budget to live. My life in general is going good.

The biggest and best change since my last post is - Physical Meetings!

I've now attended 2 physical meetings and for me personally I get so much out of attending meetings in person. I can remember the first meeting I left and the strong inner sense of achievement/relief I felt. It does give me a great feeling spending 2 hours within the room with other problem gamblers looking to recover like myself. My recovery as going well, but I feel this has boosted it even further. Whilst not wanting to get complacent, I have stepped up my recovery now since physical meetings are back by spending more time reading my literature as the orange book provides all the necessary wisdom I need.

My personal life away from Gambling has had its up's and a couple of down's in terms of personal relationships with my partner and other's, but I know that's to be expected at the early stages that I am in, as I am all for building trust and relationships again after dismantling them so heavily on this not being the first occasion.

Just for today life is good and just for today I will not gamble.

My last bet was the 3rd June 2020, long may that continue.
(11-06-2020, 10:42 AM)JoshE123 Wrote: So, I'm returning to GA after 2 and a half years away from it. Previously I'd been attending GA for over 19 Months. I'd done over a year and a half without gambling. A year and a half of attending meetings, these accrued from doing 3 meetings a week, to 2 meetings a week, gradually decreasing to 1 a week and sometimes 1 a fortnight. I knew my meetings were important and I knew I should keep attending, but funnily enough the best piece of advice you are always given by any member of GA is - Don't stop attending meetings. I did the opposite and it has conjured to my downfall. 

As an overview I started GA when I was 21, wasn't in the worst position in the world but I knew my gambling was a sever problem. I was with my previous partner at the time, who'm I'd been with since I was 14. I stopped gambling, I attended GA regularly I saved well and we bought a house together, but I wasn't fulfilled. Things happen and cut a long story short, we broke up and I found Love elsewhere. I wasn't bothered about the house or anything like that and initially I didn't go back to gambling. 

Myself & my new partner worked at the same place and due to previous hurt, we both put each other under a lot of stress and I could feel old tendencies creeping back in. I believe I am somebody who doesn't know myself and my own mind that well and that is another thing along my stopping gambling journey I am looking to fix. I began to tell lies again and I began to be a deceitful person. I was doing corrupt things that I shouldn't have been doing and I was out a lot and I started to take drugs. I've always known escaping from negativity is something I look to do instead of facing things head on & this is exactly what I did, I replaced the Gambling with the drugs but soon before I knew it they would come hand in hand.

I had to resign from my previous job, a really good job that I not only liked but also was really good at it. Through fault of my own I had no option but to resign as I was likely to be sacked. My partner stuck by me and helped me through this period. Whilst unemployed though I did not help myself or my family who supported me. I reverted and did the complete opposite. I went right back to gambling. Whilst trying to find a new job, I would pass time by gambling. I took out several unsecured loans and got myself into a mess. Of course I kept this all secret and hidden and during this my lies got even worse.

I managed to get a new job and I began it in March this year. A job I am doing well at and a job that helps me make all the minimum repayments, but not really a job that helps me live, so after I make the payments I am still trying to borrow money from friends. When the pandemic started, it should have been my opportunity to help myself and make large payments each month of my debts, however I didn't, I gambled more and more. It got to the point last week where I knew I was done and I knew I needed to stop. 

I come clean to my partner who now has left, but not due to the gambling, due to the lies I have told her and hurt I have put her through during the 2 years. She would have stuck by me and helped with the gambling side of things, but one too many lies has hurt her too much and she has hit a point. This hurts a lot and I know I need to ensure I focus on Just For Today, but losing Love makes things hard and I think a lot of people will reciprocate with me on that. 

After I come clean to my partner, it was time to tell my family. They both already knew, my mum & dad they both knew. They sensed changes within me and they could tell. My mum previously had come to meetings with me specially the meeting where I received my 1 year pin. They handled it really well and are supporting me really well. They've both helped with the unsecured loans I have and that has eased the burden a lot, even though they both knew it should not be them to do that they have helped. Next week I will finally be receiving my settlement from the previous house I did have with my ex partner and the vast majority of that is going on clearing other debts, so I can start again. I know its going to be a tough road, but I am 8 days in now and just as determined as I was the years ago when I started GA. 

I want to better myself as a person now and be again the person I was whilst I wasn't gambling. I know I may have lost the person I love, but I know I need to focus on the things I can change and not on the things I can't. I still have GA literature from when I previously attended and 'Just For Today' is helping a lot currently. 

My last bet was 3rd June 2020 and long may that continue.

I use to have the unhealthy habit of beating myself up, calling myself names because I had gone back to my addictions once more.

In time the recovery program and healthy sponsors would help me understand that I had certain emotional triggers.

Each relapse was a lesson for me to learn from.

My unhealthy emotional triggers were my pains, my fears, my frustrations, my loneliness, and my boredom.

It was very important to keep myself committed to time and effort in to my recovery.

Sadly before my recovery I use to have such a rage that came out of me.

This rage and my anger indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed.

I use to think that I would be the last person on this planet to give up my gambling.

My commitment is to write down clearly each day my needs my wants and in time my ever growing goals.

Today I do not live in guilt and shame, I am more patient and tolerant with myself.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
(05-08-2020, 10:04 AM)JoshE123 Wrote: Its been a bit of while since I have posted on here, but I am glad to say I am still abstaining from Gambling. Reflecting back to my last period of abstinence before my relapse, I think I'd have to say this period has been more difficult despite my posts not reflecting that. I've not gambled or thought of gambling, but I think this time around its been more difficult because I haven't been able to attend physical meetings. Having that reminder for me initially 2-3 a week in the earlier stages was key last time around. I've not had that in place this time around, but during the periods where I would have been at meetings, I've ensured I have dedicated this time to person development such as Reading GA literature, reading in general and listening to Podcasts. Whilst these have helped, I know that nothing helps more than going to a physical meeting.

I'm over the 2 month mark now for my non gambling. During that time I have felt sometimes better in myself and sometimes worse. I am a person who worries quite a lot and somebody who reflects on the past an awful lot. I know these are things I cannot change and I know these are things that I need to let go off. I'm trying to rebuild my life one day at a time and keep myself as positive as I can be so I don't slip back into those old destructive ways. I keep the 90 day milestone in my head and keep promising myself just for today!  

My last bet was the 3rd June 2020, long may that continue.


For me it was important to face each of my fears.

What is the very worst that can happen.

I had a cancer surgery and knew about it 3 months before the operation.

What is worst that could happen having cancer surgery loss of arm, loss of use of arm or I could die.

Worrying about things does not change things at all.

My fears caused me to go in to panic mode where I would say or do some thing I regretted after wards.

Most of my fears were 10 out of 10.

These days my fears remain in single figures.

I understand that each of my fears were due to the pains of my past.

With less fear comes more trusting.

With more trusting comes more intimacy.

With less fear comes more living in today

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham
How's 2021 going for you Josh??

Smartie xx
Meetings help, but meetings are only a small part to how GA works....

GA is a 12 step organisation that offers the program that keeps me in recovery...


Each time I went back to my addictions indicated I needed to understand what were my emotional triggers.

In life we can react in unhealthy ways or interact in healthy ways. 

My unhealthy reactions were my anger due to my pains not healed, my anger due to my fears not faced, my anger due to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations were not reduced.

For me the word recovery means for me to heal, I am not able to heal if I do not admit to myself I am still carrying the pains of my past.

For me the addictions and obsessions were a form of escape.

I was a victim for sure in so many ways, I suffered neglect, abandonment, physical abuse and got to live in fears because the pains that were caused to me.

I feared being honest why was that, because as a child when ever I was honest I was punished for it.

The honesty is not about the money, the money was the fuel for my unhealthy habits.

I did karate for two years, I did it obsessively.

After being able to fight nd defend myself I still feared aggression, now I understand it was not a physical thing but an emotional issue.

Funny thing since I learned karate I have not had one single event of being picked on physically.

Nothing is resolved by being angry hateful resentful feeling guilty ashamed or living in any of my fears.

Being in the rooms of recovery I moved on from talking about money material things or my addictions or obsessions.

In two weeks time I will be 29 years free from gambling.

The most important things n my life today is my healthy relationships with myself and other people and time is very precious.

A person I have known for over 50 years this last week I told him how much I liked him and appreciated our frerindship.

I could not love other people until I loved myself.

I could not respect other people until I respect myself.

I could not have empathy for other people until I had empathy for myself.

How much have I healed today.

Have my fears been reduced to the lowest levels in my life.

Can I say that my family do not live in fear of me today.

There is nothing I am not willing to talk about today.

I no longer fear the opposite sex.

I no longer fear having intimate relationships with any one today.

I do have lists of my wants and my needs my goals and am always crossing out completed items.

How much effort I am willing to invest in to my life and relationships today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

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