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Facing step four reduces our fears and helps heal our pains.
#1
Hi 
My understanding of step four now is that we learn to look at our self and it is not to beat ourselves up or others, it is not to guilt trip our self or others, it is understanding our past experiences and understanding what is unhealthy and what is healthy.
The reason for me why I feared being honest, is as a child when I was asked to be honest, I was punished for it and caused many types of pains.
I was punished by physical ways, I was punished in emotional ways, I was punished by being humiliated shamed and put down.
Being in the rooms of recovery is about finding a path to healthier ways and to heal our hurt inner child.
Often people find that by doing step four you think you have done everything then later on further pains of the past come out.
Why should we do step four in a healthy way, to not fear being accountable to our self, the first seven steps we have no dealings with other people, us being accountable to our self is to be honest with our self, to identify what is healthy and what is unhealthy, to make decisions to move from unhealthy habits into healthy spiritual habits.
I am a non-religious person, yet I understand that in the past I would justify to myself saying or doing unhealthy things because of my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.
So, I understand today that my conscience is spiritual based values, when I justify saying or doing unhealthy things, I am hurting myself and I am hurting other people.
So, as we go back as we write things down from our past, we reduce the fear we live in, as we do so more deep seated unhealthy things come out and we start to peel back the onion and let the pains of our past come out and the main thing is the more pains that come out the more we are able to heal the pains and our fears reduce.
I understand that every painful trauma that I experienced has consequences fears, fears also come about to the guilt pains we put our self through, by doing step four we start to understand our unhealthy reactions to our pains fears and frustrations cause us to hide in our fears and suppress our pains.
A lot of people will react in unhealthy ways when they have lost their money and caused them self-more pains, they will blame the gambling establishments, they will blame the dealers, they will blame the fact that people and places are unlucky for them.
The simple fact no one made me gamble, the gambling establishments never stole my money I gave my money to them willingly.
The deeper I get in to step four the more I get the past exposed and the more I can understand and the more I am able to deal with.
One made question is made a fearless moral and financial inventory of ourselves, the easy one is the financial part we have no money or funds, that is simple, moral inventory is a simple way did we say or do things that went against our own conscience, did I  lie, did I  betray peoples trust, did I  become more unstable and more unreliable, did I  betray peoples love of me and cause them so much pain they found it hard to live with me.
Step four is often done over and over again, in hearing other people’s therapies we will identify our self in other people, both healthy and unhealthy, as we feel our self in other people we recognize how much more we need to heal and change but it sometimes seems impossible to love our self, but it sometimes seems impossible to forgive our self, and forgiving is not about burying and suppressing it is about peeling back the onion and letting the pains and tears come out.
How do I know if I am working the recovery program, people close to me no longer live-in fear of me, people close to me no longer live in fear of having a voice with me which is based up on peace?
The addictions and obsessions were not me being selfish, the truth was the addictions and obsessions were a form of self-destruction of myself and others.
In recovery find it hard to set boundaries, that comes with time and it important that healthy boundaries are set from an expression of peace.
My boundaries should not be from an unhealthy reaction anger rage threatening behaviors.
Often to set a boundary I will remove myself from a situation thinks over and talk later on when people are not so controlling or angry.
So the more we get honest without self the past gets less and less painful, in ways the pains being open heal and we no longer feel pains when talking about them.
As a teenager I tried to take my own life, I did not tell anyone, I simply took a few things and went to sleep, the next morning I felt a complete failure, I could not even do a job of taking my own life.
Just after that event a married couple came into my life and gave me a childhood I wanted and needed, they were nurturing and loving, they were not living in fear or stress, they gave of them self to me unconditionally, we went shopping together, we fished together, the sleep overs were incredible.
That couple gave me what I needed and wanted and were things my mother could not give me. 
Up to over 90 years of age my mother lived in fears.
Just before mother passed away, I was able to share some of my recovery with her and I helped her understand that in the past there were several very unhealthy things said and done on every one’s part and that was no longer important, he most important thing that day was the fact I loved her very much and that I no longer feared her. That I was willing to give of myself to her unconditionally, from that moment onwards our relationship changed towards each other and to ourselves.
Having said that and meant it I was never going to live in regret of my mother’s passing.
I understand it is possible to heal the pains of our past even if someone has passed on, the healing of our pains is for us. 
Some might even think that healing the pains of our past is not that important, for me it is healing our inner child so that they can come out to play without any fears whatsoever.
By burying and suppressing pains some might think that is the healthy path, if I was not healed, I would be living in the fears of my past.
For me every pain of my past carried the consequences of fears that I needed to face and reduce.
Pains healed fears faced sets me free to live an honest open relationship with myself.
When my pains are being healed, I learn to have a healthy empathy for myself, only when I have a healthy empathy for myself, only then I can have a healthy empathy for other people.
In my experiences there have been many people ask me if I am a counsellor, I just laugh and say no, and they are surprised by my answer.
Children and dogs warm towards me, I understand often children talk to me quite openly, I understand today they are not talking to Dave the adult they are in fact talking to little David the healed inner child.
Some people often question why I often use Dave of Beckenham as my AKA, the came about back in the 1970 in Croydon, there so many Dave's that they gave us second names, as I lived in Beckenham that is how it came about, there was Dave the painter etc.
Once step four is done in a healthy way, to understand our unhealthy reactions, to understand our emotional triggers, and we start to open to understanding how unhealthy we were but more so how to deal with things in a much healthier way.
How could it take me so long to learn and understand how important therapies were to speed my recovery and my healing, how long to understand that when I went back to my addictions and obsessions was a symptom that I was emotionally vulnerable, that the highs of my addictions and obsessions were not happiness but were the buzz adrenaline rushes.
In my recovery over time, I would give up most kinds of risk taking, it was healthier doing it that way. By me not risk taking I have a healthier balance in my life today. Peace harmony serenity and a more stable balance in all parts of my life.
I am a non-religious person, yet I do understand how important spiritual values are in my life.
That by me having spiritual values I strengthen my own conscience.
Today I am more stable, today I am more loving, today I am more respectful, today I am more patient and tolerant with myself, today I am more motivated, today I live in far less fear, today I am less likely to procrastinate, today I am more reliable, today I am more open to discussion, today I am liking myself more and more. 
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham
Reply
#2
(23-09-2021, 06:47 PM)gadaveuk Wrote: Hi 
My understanding of step four now is that we learn to look at our self and it is not to beat ourselves up or others, it is not to guilt trip our self or others, it is understanding our past experiences and understanding what is unhealthy and what is healthy.
The reason for me why I feared being honest, is as a child when I was asked to be honest, I was punished for it and caused many types of pains.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave L
AKA Dave Of Beckenham

[quote pid='25264' dateline='1632422843']
Hi 

On walking in to the recovery program I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, the lists of fears were huge.

The question is can we heal our pains, and do we need to heal pains before we can reduce our fears and face them.

Understand my fears and facing them would empower me so much.

With each fear I have can I accept the very worst that can happen, only once I accept the worst that can happen only then do my fears reduce.

My understanding of step four now is that we learn to look at our self and it is not to beat ourselves up or others, it is not to guilt trip our self or others, it is understanding our past experiences and understanding what is unhealthy and what is healthy.

I like many people felt threatened by people pushing questions on to me.

I also took offence to people pushing their beliefs on to me.

Like they were trying to control my life, I do not want any person to control my life. I want to control my own life in my own time.

The reason for me why I feared being honest, is as a child when I was asked to be honest, I was punished for it and caused many types of pains.


Step four is about us being honest and facing our vulnerability and being able to talk to a healthy nurturing sponsor.

People who say you have to or I have to implies obsessive thinking.

For me my commitment was about understand my needs and my wants and in time make and understand how important goals were in my life.

From being unstable inadequate insecure inept and reacting in such unhealthy ways I would find that I was and had become my own worst enemy.

A sponsor will not manipulate or bully me they would have a two way street exchange and give me an understanding as to what and how I could live a more productive healthier self sufficient life and have deep intimate relationships.

As I faced my fears, my trust grew, I could not trust myself so found it difficult to trust other people.

Once the healing process starts and my inner child can come out to play and enjoy life, I would also know and understand how much I was missing from my life. 

Yes every in my life pain caused fears in me that were not healthy and disabled me from living a healthy life..

Love and peace to everyone.


Dave L


AKA Dave Of Beckenham

[/quote]
Reply
#3
(03-01-2022, 08:17 AM)gadaveuk Wrote:
(23-09-2021, 06:47 PM)gadaveuk Wrote: Hi 

Love and peace to everyone.


Dave L


AKA Dave Of Beckenham

[quote pid='25264' dateline='1632422843']
Hi 

On walking in to the recovery program I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, the lists of fears were huge.

The question is can we heal our pains, and do we need to heal pains before we can reduce our fears and face them.

Understand my fears and facing them would empower me so much.

With each fear I have can I accept the very worst that can happen, only once I accept the worst that can happen only then do my fears reduce.

My understanding of step four now is that we learn to look at our self and it is not to beat ourselves up or others, it is not to guilt trip our self or others, it is understanding our past experiences and understanding what is unhealthy and what is healthy.

I like many people felt threatened by people pushing questions on to me.

I also took offence to people pushing their beliefs on to me.

Like they were trying to control my life, I do not want any person to control my life. I want to control my own life in my own time.

The reason for me why I feared being honest, is as a child when I was asked to be honest, I was punished for it and caused many types of pains.


Step four is about us being honest and facing our vulnerability and being able to talk to a healthy nurturing sponsor.

People who say you have to or I have to implies obsessive thinking.

For me my commitment was about understand my needs and my wants and in time make and understand how important goals were in my life.

From being unstable inadequate insecure inept and reacting in such unhealthy ways I would find that I was and had become my own worst enemy.

A sponsor will not manipulate or bully me they would have a two way street exchange and give me an understanding as to what and how I could live a more productive healthier self sufficient life and have deep intimate relationships.

As I faced my fears, my trust grew, I could not trust myself so found it difficult to trust other people.

Once the healing process starts and my inner child can come out to play and enjoy life, I would also know and understand how much I was missing from my life. 

Yes every in my life pain caused fears in me that were not healthy and disabled me from living a healthy life..

Love and peace to everyone.


Dave L


AKA Dave Of Beckenham

[/quote]
[quote pid='25293' dateline='1641197836']
Hi 

On walking in to the recovery program I was very unhealthy, I felt threatened and filled with my fears by being questioned by any one.

I did not understand that fears of being accountable and honest came from child hood experiences.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, the lists of fears were huge.

I was reluctant to being accountable.

This was tied up the fact that when I went against my own conscience I was reliving the pains that I had caused myself.

If you have a healthy sponsor they will help you understand by escaping and avoiding facing your self and others you are not making things easier.

Only when I was able to admit to myself that I was in the grips of a very unhealthy addiction I was self destroying mysef.

A healthy sponsor will be nurturing and encouraging and help you understand that you unhealthy reactions were the same pains and frustrations as he or she had also experienced.

The question is how much do you want heal and recover from your unhealthy habits.

Once we write our unhealthy behaviours do we want and need to give them up and get more healthy and productive.

A healthy sponsor will help you understand that in time you will succeed in your healing and your recovery.

I was for sure a very vulnerable person who was not able to heal his hurt inner child on his own.

I understand today that on arriving in recovery I could not identify my fears and unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

What is fear, how many ways do we relate it to our self and our unhealthy relations.

Fear was linked to anxiety, to nervousness, stress, my fears disabled me, I would often give up trying some thing because I fear failings or being ridiculed.

Often when my fears froze me I would smoke and cause myself more physical harm, in time once I gave up smoking I would go out side and simply relax, in truth I did not need to smoke to relax at all.

In the past I would give up all faith and all hope in myself.

Who did I cheat by doing that, how many times I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself to give up trying. To cheat myself time and time again.

At one time I use to fear computers, knowing that I took up a good working as a compute engineer in London.

Fear of opening up and giving therapies at the meetings was a big challenge in the meetings.

By giving my therapies other people found that the to could open up more and more and expose how vulnerable they were.

In seeing and hearing other people therapies I both saw and felt myself in other people, both the healthy and unhealthy. 

People who try to control and manipulate other people through bully tactics indicate how inadequate and insecure they are in them self.

I am not into person pleasing today.

I give of myself unconditionally with out any expectations what so ever.

I asked my wife Shirley what is love, she told me it was giving of myself with out having no expectations what so ever, that was a powerful lesson to know that.

I use to rush things and rush about, I was stressing myself out, no reason to do that, by taking life and situations slowly I was getting more out of my life.

To have clarity what is a need what is a want and what is a healthy goal.

To learn from the pains of my past, to not live in them, find out my unhealthy choices and to then make much healthier choices in every avenue of my life.

Not taking my addictions and obsessions seriously I was cheating myself.

I heard the saying from senior people when I was young that there was not enough hours in the day.

I thought that were joking. as you become more and more productive you are able to achieve so much more from your life.

Even more and more productive choices and actions every day.

Yesterday I was making shelf for my music Cds.

Last week I was making a shelf unit for Shirley my wife to put her Gym equipment on, it needed to be strong to put all her weights on it.

I some times use the Gym equipment the one that helps me is the inverter, I found it helps with back pains.

I did karate for two years in England, my body is not up to it these days.

I remained a white belt and would not take up grading up in any way. 

I found that every tool I purchased was an investment in myself.

For so long I was not willing to even try.

And the person I was cheating was myself, the truth was by me not trying I was failing myself.

As I faced my fears, my trust grew, I could not trust myself so found it difficult to trust other people.

Once the healing process starts and my inner child can come out to play and enjoy life, I would also know and understand how much I was missing from my life. 

Yes every unhealthy pain in my life pain caused fears in me that were not healthy and disabled me from living a full self sufficient productive healthy life.

Love and peace to everyone.


Dave L


AKA Dave Of Beckenham

[/quote]
Hi 

On walking in to the recovery program I was very unhealthy, I felt threatened and filled with my fears by being questioned by any one.

I did not understand that fears of being accountable and honest came from child hood experiences.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, the lists of fears were huge.

I was reluctant to being accountable.

This was tied up the fact that when I went against my own conscience I was reliving the pains that I had caused myself.

If you have a healthy sponsor they will help you understand by escaping and avoiding facing your self and others you are not making things easier.

Only when I was able to admit to myself that I was in the grips of a very unhealthy addiction I was self destroying mysef.

A healthy sponsor will be nurturing and encouraging and help you understand that you unhealthy reactions were the same pains and frustrations as he or she had also experienced.

The question is how much do you want heal and recover from your unhealthy habits.

Once we write our unhealthy behaviours do we want and need to give them up and get more healthy and productive.

A healthy sponsor will help you understand that in time you will succeed in your healing and your recovery.

I was for sure a very vulnerable person who was not able to heal his hurt inner child on his own.

I understand today that on arriving in recovery I could not identify my fears and unhealthy reactions to people life and situations.

What is fear, how many ways do we relate it to our self and our unhealthy relations.

Fear was linked to anxiety, to nervousness, stress, my fears disabled me, I would often give up trying some thing because I fear failings or being ridiculed.

Often when my fears froze me I would smoke and cause myself more physical harm, in time once I gave up smoking I would go out side and simply relax, in truth I did not need to smoke to relax at all.

In the past I would give up all faith and all hope in myself.

Who did I cheat by doing that, how many times I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself to give up trying. To cheat myself time and time again.

At one time I use to fear computers, knowing that I took up a good working as a compute engineer in London.

Fear of opening up and giving therapies at the meetings was a big challenge in the meetings.

By giving my therapies other people found that the to could open up more and more and expose how vulnerable they were.

In seeing and hearing other people therapies I both saw and felt myself in other people, both the healthy and unhealthy. 

People who try to control and manipulate other people through bully tactics indicate how inadequate and insecure they are in them self.

I am not into person pleasing today.

I give of myself unconditionally with out any expectations what so ever.

I asked my wife Shirley what is love, she told me it was giving of myself with out having no expectations what so ever, that was a powerful lesson to know that.

I use to rush things and rush about, I was stressing myself out, no reason to do that, by taking life and situations slowly I was getting more out of my life.

To have clarity what is a need what is a want and what is a healthy goal.

To learn from the pains of my past, to not live in them, find out my unhealthy choices and to then make much healthier choices in every avenue of my life.

Not taking my addictions and obsessions seriously I was cheating myself.

I heard the saying from senior people when I was young that there was not enough hours in the day.

I thought that were joking. as you become more and more productive you are able to achieve so much more from your life.

Even more and more productive choices and actions every day.

Yesterday I was making shelf for my music Cds.

Last week I was making a shelf unit for Shirley my wife to put her Gym equipment on, it needed to be strong to put all her weights on it.

I some times use the Gym equipment the one that helps me is the inverter, I found it helps with back pains.

I did karate for two years in England, my body is not up to it these days.

I remained a white belt and would not take up grading up in any way. 

I found that every tool I purchased was an investment in myself.

Before coming to Canada we had done no construction skills in our life, we attended classes with a store and got to understand making stud walls, putting up dry wall, doing drawings to make walls and door ways, we even did some plumbing.

Yes we did stud walls in the garage and then did out our basement, We were exhausted and tired and after wards both agreed it was a well practiced decision to extend our skills in our home.

We were investing in our selves.

Every tool we purchased paid for it self after we used them, they did in effect save us money.

When I heard many people talk about their achievements I could not believe them, and in time while working your recovery you not only come to believe in your self, but you come to believe in other people.

For so long I was not willing to even try.

And the person I was cheating was myself, the truth was by me not trying I was failing myself.

As I faced my fears, my trust grew, I could not trust myself so found it difficult to trust other people.

Once the healing process starts and my inner child can come out to play and enjoy life, I would also know and understand how much I was missing from my life. 

Yes every unhealthy pain in my life pain caused fears in me that were not healthy and disabled me from living a full self sufficient productive healthy life.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham


 
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