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Disgusted with myself

I am 30, female and a compulsive gambler. It started with online poker around 2 years ago. I won for while but became more and more greedy and ending up losing all my savings, all my wages and nearly my relationship. My partner was very supportive and bailed me out. I paid him back stopped gambling and carried on with life. Last year he had to move away for a while and I became consumed with getting all my savings back. I lost....big time. I chased and chased these losses and with no savings to rely on, I am now in serious debt and struggling to make the repayments. My family found out last week and I had to come clean to everything and take money from them to pay my rent. I have finally realised that I have a BIG BIG problem. I am so ashamed of myself and realise I have to move on with my life and get away from gambling. For the past year I have been living in a dream world, thinking that the one big win will sort everything out, I know it is never going to come. It seems I have an amazing and worrying talent for blocking out reality and forgetting that I am deeply hurting everyone around me. My partner doesn't know yet and I am going to tell him this week. This is the part that scares and annoys me most. I love him more than anything and yet I have consistantly lied to him for a year. This will devast him. What a selfish and digusting thing to do. I know he will never trust me again and this will be the end of our relationship. A big part of me knows that I will get what I deserve and yet and I desperatly don't want it to end. I know we have been living a lie for a year because I'm the liar, he on the other hand doesn't deserve this.

I have arranged for counselling as the nearest GA meeting is 1.5 hours from me and I just can't afford the petrol right now. (I know this sounds like an isn't)

I used to be a good person, I hope that in time I can become that person again because I don't know who I am anymore. Just being on here and realising that I'm not the only one has helped me greatly.

Your story is similar to mine. I got addicted to online casino's / gambling and racked up hidden debts.

Best to get everything out in the open like i did 7 years ago when i first started coming to GA. I have not had a bet since thanks to the meetings which really work and my life is unrecognisably different from 7 years ago.

There is hope for everyone and like you say, you are not alone.

Take care - 1 day at a time

Steve - Notts
My reaction is that at lease you acknowledge your problem.
You have to get help - counselling by - in my opinion - a non family member or friend, ie: a neutral person with a realistic perspective who can guide you through giving up and paying back.
Good Luck
Hi why would someone want to hurt them self and the people we have love for the only anwser is you didnt or i didnt but i could never see the pain i was in or giving to others. The fact is when in the terms of a mental illness it is very hard to think straight so please get help because the illness that is compulsive gambling does not have any respect for peace,freedom,honesty,love it just has a quality to ruin lifes taking every little bit of enjoyment from you and lastly and i know this is hard because i have been there you are not a loser it is just a sympton which the gambling makies you feel be honest with your familly i think you will be surprised how much care and support you will get all the best one day at a time geoff.
Hi There

Your story is very similar to mine like you this is the second time gambling has got me into big trouble last time my wife stood by me and helped me through GA and i was fortunate i was able to remortgage and pay my debts off. I was gamble free for abot 2 1/2 years and life was very good then i did a scorecast and things spiraled from there !! I had to tell my wife again on 19th Jan 2010 that i was gambling again because i had blown all our savings we had in the bank and even went to these cash till payday spots and borrowed money !! Like you my wife was devastated that i had done it all again and all the lies and deciet that goes with it ! The last 7 weeks have been awfull not living with her and the kids and all because of gambling and just hope in time she can forgive me and trust me again!! I like you also have to travel 1 1/2 hrs to my nearest GA meeting as i live in south cumbria and the nearest is Carlilse or Blackpool but its well worth going believe me and dont be worried as everyone is in the same boat ! Do you not have anyone who can take you for now ? as the sooner the better you go believe me, also i would contact gamcare and they will help you as i am now having some councilling through them.

Be strong and hope to hear from you soon !!

All the best

Thank you all for your replies.

Today I came clean to my partner. He was understanbly very angry and hurt and couldn't understand why I had done this. He has decided to stay with me and for this I will be eternally grateful. I know it will be a difficult road ahead for us and I have to earn back his trust and respect, which will take a lot of time. I know that it could have been a very different story and I can never keep anything from him again. All we can do is try to prove ourselves to our loved ones by our actions from now on. This has been the worst week of my life but I am now fully determined to get my former self back and this addiction will not ruin a minute more of my life. I am having my first counselling session with Gamcare on Tuesday and on Monday I will make the journey and go to my first GA meeting. I am feeling exhasuted and still full of shame and guilt. I think it will take me a long time to forgive myself for my actions.

This is just the beginning for me and I wish everyone in the same position the best of luck for the future.
hello there how are you doing today 24/04/10 ?? i have just read your story and found i have same story as yours .. how sad is that .. i however have 4 beautiful children and i spent their savings ....or they could have been if i had put in their saving books and not roulette machine !!!! i have barred myself from them all ,,today i feel strong and very determined never to gamble again but this bloody feeling comes over me and all i can think of is gambling.... i know this is an illness and i will attend the next GA meeting on friday ..i so want to win back what i have lost and feel sick thinking what i could of done with the money even to borrow and put back in my saving book.... do you feel like that ?all i can see is my figure of what i have lost over and over and over again even when i am cooking or bathing the children .. i think this is also a mentel illness.... what a waste of time and money and health and respect and self worth .. i must stay strong , my name is belinda and i am a compulsive gambler xxxx good luck to you

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