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trying to get up
#1
Im trying to make my buckled body rise out of my bed and the feeling of disgust and rage inside of me is unrelenting.After my gambling binge yesterday,I somehow went to a meeting last night.Why,Im not really sure because there is no hope for me.The damage I did yesterday has undone nearly 2 years of being clean,except for a couple of little slips.Now Im deeper in trouble again and so angry and frustrated at myself for being a loser again.I cant face this existance today,I hate everything so much and wish the pain would be gone forever.I didnt want to wake up today,I was hoping I could die in my sleep or if I could get hold of a gun and blow my particle of a brain away.I cant do nothing,all my own fault,nobody elses.My name is Andy and Im a compulsive gambler and loser.
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#2
Andy where is your mum or family? surely there must be someone close to you who will listen to you and give you a hug and try to find a way out of this. I read your posts yesterday and could not help feeling very sad that you feel there is no solution. As a mum myself with a son who has gambled, I can only imagine how your family would feel to loose their son, So many people are taken in such terrible circumstances without having the chance to do anything about it. Its terrible to loose all that money and have nothing to show for it but that was yesterday, today is a new day. Why not go to the citizens advice and see if there is a way you can get help with your debts they may be able speak to the companies on your behalf to see if thay can negoiate affordable repayments. I don't know where abouts you are but surely there must be things you can do during the day to make you feel better about yourself. It sounds like you need to work with other people around you, in an environment where people are friendly. You sound so alone with no one to talk to. You went to a GA meeting can't you go regularly as I am sure this will help you over time. Don't let this illness beat you, please take care.
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#3
Hi Andy
I wish you lived next door I would be knocking on your door right now to give you some encouragement. It sounds like your GA meeting did you no good and as someone who attended their first one ever last week I can understand where you are coming from. I did find it highly entertaining and my ribs hurt after so maybe I stumbled into the local comedy club by mistake. It was only the fact that it took all my balls just to attend that made the occassion so significant. Gambling is a highly addictive activity and those that sell it revel in that fact and do all in their power to make it as difficult as possible to kick the habit. I am no expert but I have been where you are and I feel for you. Life is a special gift. I'm not religious, somewhere between agnostic and atheist so I don't believe you can rely on someone else to get you out of the shit. It's down to you. I live in Twickenham, maybe you are not that far away. I will attempt to leave my email address and if you could do with a buddy, drop me a line. Good luck my friend.
Ken
<!-- e --><a href="mailto:k_gibson@blueyonder.co.uk">k_gibson@blueyonder.co.uk</a><!-- e -->
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#4
Thanks for your kind words.You are right about most of that.I am alone all the time,I hardly ever see anyone now,and the months of being alone finally wore me down last week to a mental gambling binge.I had managed to abstain for 10 months,but then just completely collapsed 1 day and lost everything I had worked so hard for,yet again.Now I am in a furious rage with myself for this and even worse is that it will take so,so long to pay all this back,what is the point?Ive been down this road many,many times and each time its worse than ever.My Father wouldnt give a shit if I were dead,and neither would my family as I never see them and weve all drifted apart over the years.Now I dont make the effort any more and gambling has stripped me of any energy I had left.I cant see any positives,because no matter how long I go without a bet,when I slip again,it undoes all the good ive done in the previous period and Im 10 times worse in the shit,because everything is still the same,Im alone,and still being driven insane,but a whole lot poorer and having to fight again to get out of yet another big black hole.Thanks for you comments though.Andy.
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