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Let myself down.
i cant believe how selfish i am, i did it again today. but as i was doing it i was thinking this is not my money to do this with , its for food / bills / my children, and yet i still did it, what is wrong with me? i went on the evil online bingo and spent a lot for me, then i felt really down and asked my husband to look after the children while i went to get them some ice cream , jumped in the car , straight to the amustment arcade in , then as i was feeling totally at a loss, came back and went on the bingo again, im up , cant sleep cant even attempt to go to bed. i dont know what or why.

iv just paid for the gambling blocker installed it. i dont want to do this, im fed up of feeling like this, im so angry with myself , and holding back my tears, not for me , for what iv done to my unknowing family. I cant hate myself anymore than i do.

im hoping this blocker is going to help, im cancelling my cards and im not going to ask them to send any replacements, if i need the money il go in the bank for what i need. Im hoping this will work. i want to count the gambling free days , this is the first time iv put things into perspective and had some kind of plan. Please god help me
iv been reflecting on what i did yesterday and still as strong to stop this.

i realise my last post last night was a lot of waffle to some people but really just how i feel/felt

im pleased with my decision for the blocker, tho it wasnt cheap as i couldnt find a free one?

I know iv got obstacles on the way to trip me up im going into town today (cancelling my cards) its so easy to 'pop in' this will be one of many tests Infact, Iv got to meet my friend in the main arcade tommorrow (how bads that) she owes me some money and if i dont get to her she'll spend it in there. she has a problem too . Although shes more of an aquaintence so im not worried about hanging around with the wrong crowed as my own crowed is my family.

iv never realised how hard it is to avoid 'gambling' even times you dont think of it. its either on telly or advertiments on my phone! or in the heart of town , where i have to go almost every day.

I'l post here tommorrow evening to let you know how i did. <!-- s:? --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_confused.gif" alt=":?" title="Confused" /><!-- s:? -->
Hi selfishgambler

You said "unknowing family", so I will assume that you have not told your husband.
I realise that "telling all" will be hard, but I feel that you will at some stage have to tell him.
Would you rather he found out some other way?

The other issue is your access to money. Cancelling cards is a great idea, BUT you still have access to money from the bank! Temptation WILL be there. If your husband had control of the finances however, you would not be able to access anything beyond what you need on a daily basis.

Have you thought about a GA meeting? While this forum is good, nothing will beat the fellowship of a meeting. You will never need to feel alone again. No longer will you think of yourself as
"the odd one out". Many of us have travelled down your path. We are ready & waiting for you...just walk in the door. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

Best wishes
hi Roy thankyou for your advice, it really means a lot to me.Telling the husband is something that will never happen.

I went into town yesterday, and didnt go in. Due to the blocker i know i cant go online so i never attempted to, yesterday was the 1st time 7 months i hadnt had a gamble online/arcade ,(iv been gambling in the arcades 2-4 times a week for years) be it a free scratch card or money on my debit card.(tho iv been gambling in the arcades 2-4 times a week for years) I must admit iv been thinking about it (the online bingo) not to do it, i dont know, just really odd.

today, i had to meet my friend, i had to go in, i had money on me. i got my money my friend owed me, went to the loo, i thought, i a few quid on me, could have a go but i didnt want to let myself down,its not worth it. I went out.

tonight i had to go to tesco, but i usally have run in the car for an hour, (thats when i can go in and spend,) again i had money on me, parked on the seafront had a walk on the harbor and passed the arcades. i didnt want to go in. I do feel like im thinking about it though ,through the day today and yesterday, will these thoughts go?? is that normal? how do i stop them? how do i keep up this motivation , although im detetmined and feel i have will power im scared im going to get weak, what do i do. sorry for all the questions, iv never got this far before xxx
telling is not always best. Sometimes it makes things worse. And if you quit, he will never beleive you.
Hi selfishgambler and csteak

I have to agree with BigDave... If you test or tempt yourself, it will only be a matter of time before you fail, especially early on in your recovery.

The thoughts you talk about, have diminished for me. I am now 16 months gamble free. I can honestly say that for the last 2 weeks I have not wanted to gamble. It does take time though.
When I first stopped gambling I was still thinking all the time about gambling. I didn't want to gamble, but I couldn't help thinking about it.

Your "willpower" is what has led you on to this forum. If you are honest with yourself, you will realise, that your will, to stop gambling has failed before, many, many times.
"You are powerless over gambling"! This is the first step for us as CG's. Admit that we are indeed powerless over this addiction.

If you can admit to being powerless, then the advice you recieve will make more sense to you.

Do NOT carry money on you that you do not need.
Limit the amount of money you have access to.
Stay away from gambling venues (especially for the short term)
Have someone take over your finances. Generally 6 - 9 months. ( I gave control of my finances away for a 12 month period).
Attend GA meetings.
Be honest to others about your problem. Most importantly, be honest with yourself about your problem.

I could go on a bit more... perhaps I have rambled too much already <!-- sWink --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_wink.gif" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /><!-- sWink -->

Hi csteak.

I have to disagree with you re informing family. If you do not trust your family enough to tell them the truth, how do you expect them to return that trust?
Yes, you do run the risk of being cast out. That has indeed happened to some fellow GA members I know. However, the majority have gained the support they need to help in their fight to beat this addiction. What better support than family?
Of my fellow GA members who have been made to feel like 'lepers', they are philosophical about there position. Family, friends, & lovers stick together. They help each other when needed.
If they cannot accept that you have this addiction....that you are seeking help to beat it...and that you are remorseful over what you have done. Then so be it! You can only do your best for today.

Best wishes

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