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Understanding Step one and step two.
(30-11-2011, 12:52 PM)Roxannesins Wrote: Thank you. With warmth

Hi Paula

Paula by sharing the pains and fears of our past helps us heal.

The recovery program helps us understand what is healthy or unhealthy.

To bury and suppress for me is not healthy.

The recovery program helps us understand that the wording wrong or right sounds like an unhealthy judgement on our self.

You say have to let go of your past. 

Do I think my hurt inner child is completely healed as yet.

Some meetings are no ready for an depth therapies.

I was for sure a victim, yet how do I know if I am no longer the victim.

If when I tell my story of my painful I want sympathy pity.

I was a victim in several ways, I was emotionally abused, I was physically abused, I was sexually abused, there was a lack of nurturing, there was a lack of emotional intimacy, there was a lack of both physical and emotional protection.

Today I understand that the things I wanted and needed as a child from my parents they were unable to give me.

The consequences of an unhealthy child hood caused trauma that adversely affected my emotional maturity and my ability to learn and absorb information.  

Each pain in my life caused fears I did not understand.

My sharing serves many purposes sharing and for me is all part of the inner healing process.

By working your recovery you do learn to trust yourself more and more. 

Your sharing and reply is very much appreciated and respected.

If you work your recovery feeling ashamed will be a part of your healed past.

If we make a mistake we learn from it apologize if we feel we have adversely affected another person or have been difficient, and then move from our past.

Working my recovery is learning from our past and not living in it.

Here is my therapy.

Your father and his friend applauded you was that the only time he gave you any kind of a compliment.

I felt very embarrassed in my recovery even when I was clean, though I did not value myself and could not validate or compliment myself.

In time in recovery we take account of our healthy values and healthy actions so much so we feel proud of our self.

When your mother came into your fathers apartment do you not think that they already had anger issues and we not at peace with them self or with the world.

Your mother already knew that your father was an unhealthy person.

Sadly the drink was just one thing she not happy with. 

You felt sorry for my father, was that because of her aggression that she had bottled up for so long.

Even by this time do you think you already feared aggression, you did not know or understand that aggression was only the pains of the past that were not healed, in any person who is aggressive in any. 

Your mother might have viewed her trust had been betrayed.

She was still angry not just with your father, she may have been angry at the whole world.

I would not want to leave if I was having fun.

Yet by you having fun would indicate that you did not experience much fun as a child. 

Your urge to gambling may be a way of escaping possible.

Your mother was and is always there for you if you needed her, was that in any in an emotional nurturing way.

Your mother would only understand your addictions and obsessions if she was able to heal her hurt inner child.

Your mother bailed you out in financial ways.

I did not understand my unhealthy ways so I did not understand other people unhealthy ways .

When it came to your emotions and feelings , she would certainly feel threatened.

Your mother may think that talking about pains of our past is about guilt tripping or blaming.

Hence it was important for me to talk to emotionally detached people from me so that I could heal my hurt inner child.

You say that you are not angry at your mother any more, is it the pains are healed or the pains are buried deeper. 

It is a very powerful place to no longer react in unhealthy ways to your mother or other people who have hurt us. 

In setting healthy boundaries in my relationship towards her and other people from a place of peace is very powerful and is empowering to our self.

When people deny their unhealthy actions and unhealthy words they are avoiding being accountable to them self.

I understood what I need and wanted as a child from adults in my child were unable to give me.

It was the fact they were unable to.

Guilt tripping is a very unhealthy habit, people will often use it to manipulate people in to doing things they do not want to do. 

Your mother may view you as a spiteful and mean child, may be she would view your rebellion as you did not love her, that she felt you were dumping your pains and your fears on to her. 

Nothing makes parents feel inadequate and insecure is a child curious mind, they may even feel their arthority is at question..

Parents who are inadequate and insecure would try to put on a facade to hide their vulnerability.

Parents who are inadequate and insecure would try and control people life and situations, their control issues would be fear based.

Your questions would be viewed as critisizing her. 

Your mother only loves you as much as she loves herself.

Her not leaving you is not about LOVE.

As a child I felt abandoned in an emotional way. 

To be open to love I needed to be free of all fears.

I am a non religious person and I do know that I deep down was a good person because when I said or did things which adversely affected myself or other people I felt guilt shame and remorse.

A good person has a healthy conscience, we learn that our motives are going to be healthy in giving of our self unconditionally expecting nothing in return.
For me Loving unconditionally I give of myself freely.

You went in the church choir and got free lessons. 

Did you get any thing healthy from that.

Was the church a fear free zone for you.

You would cry and pray that my father would come around and understand how much I loved him. 

Do you think your father appreciated your love.

People being angry at your father indicated how much pain that they were in.

The family board games were a way of you proving your self to who. 

In my child hood monopoly board often went up in the air when people were losing. 

At about 10 years of age I was sent to boarding schools where things got much worse for me.

In you crying playing the organ did that give you any kind of relief to the pains you were in.

There were a big rock that I used to climb up on, and there I could release my tears. Alone. 

That is very powerful.

Your father being an alcoholic, that was just the symptoms he was a vulnerable person long before you were born and long before he  got married to your mother.

I have been married over 50 years, I am sarcastic about male female issues yet it is done in a humourous way.

Shirley my wife finds my kind of humor very testing.

You setting boundaries in front of your daughter is very healthy.

Your daughter is going to learn how to set boundaries from a place of peace.

Your  daughters father did not want to become a father that is his loss.

Your fathers absence hurt me that is very sad, some thing was missing from your life and it was not your fault.

I to use to cry myself to sleep at nights I think it was because I felt so emotionally abandoned and rejected from my perpsective.

It is very powerful to tell some you love them.

You went to your fathers funeral and you cursed him.

That was the pains of your past coming out.

It was advised to me that saying to some one that hurt me I love you would heal the pains of my past.

My father died and I did not deal with it in a healthy way.

I went back to his resting place and said Ernie I love you.

I felt instant pain in my throat, I could not believe how painful it was.

I remained there and then repeated saying Ernie I love you, then again Ernie I love you, and again Ernie I love you.

Then I found it was less and less painful.

I walked away feeling more at peace with myself.

I have been back several times, and one occasion just as I got near to his resting place there was some offensive graffiti.

My reaction was to laugh, I was confused by my laughter, the the question was why the laughter, was it the fact I saw my fathers humour in that graffiti. 

To not have hope any longer was your unreasonable expectations of a person unable to give.

The simple facts was the very things you wanted he wanted.

You do not hate your father anymore, is it about your father or the fact you are more at peace with your self.

It is very apparent that there is growth in you. 

You say that you still have a lot of fears though, only by facing the worst fears you have then over time your fears reduced in number and in level.

You are getting more and more aware of your fear of intimacy, that is very powerful, only by acknowledging it can you reduce it.. 

By staying humble to the honesty about our self is very empowering.

By protecting our self is a healthy thing to do. 

The gambling establishments were a place for me to escape people life and situations I could not cope with emotionally.

By understanding our emotions and feeling we can learn what is healthy or unhealthy.

My healthy interactions with other people in healthy ways indicates how healthy I am today.

Yes Love myself, then Love other people.

Trust myself more each day. 

With our healthy actions and our healthy words comes a better relationship with myself.

The only person who has to live with me is myself.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham

Messages In This Thread
Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 24-05-2011, 07:47 PM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 29-05-2011, 02:01 PM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 05-07-2011, 03:14 PM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Paula - 06-07-2011, 11:52 AM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 11-07-2011, 08:16 AM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 19-09-2011, 06:59 AM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 25-11-2011, 07:08 PM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 27-11-2011, 05:56 PM
RE: Understanding Step one and step two. - by gadaveuk - 19-05-2020, 08:19 PM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 09-12-2011, 05:07 PM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 16-12-2011, 04:53 AM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 16-12-2011, 06:31 PM
Re: Understanding Step one and step two. - by Guest - 16-12-2011, 06:34 PM

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