Understanding Step one and step two.

[Guest]

Dear Gadaveuk

I am moved from your writings in many ways.

In being able to feel for me it demonstrates you are able to feel for your self and you can relate to me.. That is healthy.

I too carry a hurt child within, even if I haven´t heard from that child in many years.
I think as we heal we find that inner child still have the same want and needs as they did al those eyars ago before pain stunted our growth.

I agree with you that talking about the past does not necessary mean putting blame or carrying resentment.
In understanding what is and was unhealthy means we are setting up healthy boundaries today not expereinced before.

The disappointments of not being able to reach out and be seen for myself, to constantly feel misunderstood triggered a lot of rage towards my mother. She is not the one who hurt me as a child though.

Yet often we feel that our wants and needs were no fullfilled as innocent children.

And it is just like you said. My feelings for her stemmed from frustations and pain.

How can a person fullfill our wants and needs when theya re not able to fullfil their own wants and needs.

Today I relate to her in a very different way, because I dont try to change her anymore, in doing so we accpe the sernity prayer even though we may not even be religious.

I dont need her to fully understand me, and I can accept her for who she is. I love her very much.

That is very powerful in being able to nurture your own pains and accept her being her own self with her unehalthy flaws.

You have come along way.

When I told my mother i loved her nw no matter what she did or said she was lost for words.

She also understood she longer needed to search for apoproval from me any more.

Your whole life is focused on personal spiritual growth and understanding.

Then you are trully enlighetening your self and understanding how you tick.

Since very young age. I went to intensive psychodynamic therapy and finally felt understood and approved for being me,
Whow good for you putting such effort in to your self meant you valued your self.

Accomplishments builds confisence and self esteem.

My gamblingaddiction took off after I went through therapy.

I wonder if you went gambling to escape how you felt in your self?

You had always been an obsessive personality is that waht you mean?

For me being obsessive is a way of deviating facing how we feel with in our self.

After you went in to therapy you went quiet. Did that mean you were not able to put in to words your feelings?

It was like I had lost my words and I who used to talk with friends and family for hours and hours,

Was that you feeling nervous and uncomfortable with in your self often fear based.

You were being the strong supporting other, do you mean it was easier to face other people rather than face your self?

You began to isolate your self.

Was that fear based and lacking trust in other and lacking tust in your self?

I had so many thoughts and words on a deeper level that I couldnt express,

May be you peeled back your inner child and did not know ho wot porocess it pain?

You felt like no one understood.

Is that more about you did not understand your self?

It was like the meaning of using words was gone.

Maybe you were not able to heal and nurture your own pain fears and frsutrations.

And I started to doubt the power of symbolising pains and fears with words.

Understanding actions and cosequences helped us understand the choice we ahev today.

To move from unhealthy actions and take up new new well balanced healthy actions.

I began to doubt the value of selfgrowth.

Your honesty and openess is self growth and your honesty is your strength today..

You felt confused, yes most people feel lost and lose direction in their lives.

More and more you began feeling desillusioned, in your self and others?

Admitting Hopeless and powerless is the beginning of setting up new boudaries and new spiritual standards in your life and in yoru relationships.

Spirtual growth gives meaning in our life with personal spiritual growth helping our self before all other people.

Self enlightenment turns meaningless in to self values..

You began to gamble to ride teh adrenlane rush and ride and live life in fear.

Going in to a depressive state means you turn your anger inwardly.

You couldnt think or feel for your self perceive hardly anything.

You had big memory lapses from this time. That could have been emotional trauma ?

Your thoughts and emotions are beginning to come back and I am a more humble person, bu no longer feel the resentnful victim any more?

Vulnerable in a new sense, maybe that is your inner child coming out now?

Pain of our past once ehaled becomes our strength.

Being stronger you are able to be more honest and open. very powerful indeed..

You are more dependent on having caring and loving people around me.

That sound slike a boundary on your part.

You are also more selfsufficient that is very healthy to fulfill your own wants and needs.

That is maturity and character bulding.

You are not as dependent on people approving of me anymore. That measn you know the truth about your self.

It sounds like you carry a lot less pain and anger and fear within your self now.

You will be able to work this through now as you are more honest than most.

Stopped gambling alone is not enough on its own.

Your higher power may be spiritual values practiced day by day.

Being an angry person you only hurt your self.

You have had difficulties expressing your anger.

Anger is a reaction to pain fear or frsutrations.

Your anger comes in the supressed form that means you live with walls of fear around you which is very sad.

It is healthy you are able to acknowledge it though.

Love to all!

Dave