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Feeling so low
Hi all,

I am once again sat in front of my PC all sweaty palmed and feeling suicidal having once again snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.

I have always been driven by money but my addiction to gambling means when i have it it rarely lasts very long.

I am an ex professional rugby player but following injury in my late teens i had to retire. It was at this stage in my life and while drinking more regulaly and gong to the football that i started gambling.

I would play cards most weeks, frequent casinos and spend a lot of pre/post match time in the bookies.

The first couple of years i had moderate success as the stakes were kept low - gambling was something i enjoyed but at this stage not a problem.

Due to my love of footballl and following my team throughout Europe in the late 90's early 2000's i took out a loan and credit card to help ease some small debts. It was at this stage that i thought "I can gamble this money back" I started playing online casinos in a bid to win back the money. This escalated over a couple of years with me taking out more credit at a time when it was readily available.

At the age of 24 and Over a period of 11 days I won tens of thousands. I left it sat in my online casino account, i was so happy, my debt was no more than a few thousand so that was easily covered. 2 days later and not only had the money gone but i had racked up further thousands in credit card debt i became more and more desperate to win back what i once had. At one stage i was playing 3 hands a time of online blackjack. By now all my credit was maxed out and i had no more funds avaialble.

I had no option but to confess to my girlfriend who despite being devastated was amazing and stood by me - she helped me back on my feet and I was put on a debt management plan to help with the money i owed. Despite the fact that it would take almot 30 years to clear this debt i was happy i was paying it back at a rate i could afford and without the need for gambling.

Despite numerous cravings and missing the thrill i didn't gamble for 5 years, i knew i had been given a second chance and didn't want to blow it. These were the best years of my life.

In the meantime me and the ex girlfriend split, but remained close friends. I sold my share of the house we owned and through progression at work and with not gambling i was financially stable.

Last year and for i dont know what reason, i fell off the wagon. I blame the fact that i had money to spare. I was living with my new girlfriend and was financially sound. Again as before i started betting for fun rather than to win and staked small bets on sports games - however i recalled the times when i used to bet "big" and got the thrill from winning large amounts of money. I dreamed of holidays, houses and other such luxeries.

I started playing online casinos and mainly blackjack again - again i won vast sums by risking large stakes. However on October the 3rd 2011, it all crumbled, i lost, this was a lot of the money from my house sale plus monies i had won the days previous.

I panicked and felt sick but knew i still had some emergency money from the house sale stashed away. Instead of staying calm i was desperate to try and get my money back. I had reached my daily deposit limit on the casino so went looking for sporting events i could bet on. It was a Sunday afternoon and there were 3 Premiership football matches being played and in a blind panic staked it all on an accumulater for Chelsea, Man City and Liverpool to win. The bookies initially refused the bet but after a lengthy telephone conversation it was accepted and the rest is history. Man City squeezed past Newcastle, Chelsea beat Arsenal but unfortunately Blackpool beat Liverpool at Anfield - i'd lost everything AGAIN!!

Incredibly my new girlfriend stuck by me and did everything she could to help, but i didn't stop, every month i'd gamble until every penny i had, had gone. Even when i was winning i would chase the money i had had years before until ultimately i'd lost everything again.

I am 30 years old, i live in rented accomodation and have nothing to my name. I have been scrapping by for the last few months, but felt like yesterday was me getting yet another chance - i had planned to clear some debts and repay friends and family. Today i lost and still owe payday loans and friends and family money.

The relationship between me and the girl i live with came to an end, although not being the only reason again the lying and deception caused by gambling was one of the main factors that ruined our relationship. She now moves out next week, I wanted to use some of the money i had won yesterday to thank her for sticking by me through everything and to help her start her new life. She's stood by me through so much, but i've let yet another person down again and i'm so scared to be now facing this problem alone.

I feel so low and sick i dont know what to do. Right now suicide seems like the only thing that will get me out of ths hell and stop me gambling.

I feel if there was another way of getting the money i needed to survive I would now stop gambling straight away but without it it seems i have no option but to try.

I can't afford to pay any of my bills next month and I am scared of being evicted, left homeless and alone.

I'm sorry for boring you all with my story, I thought it may help writing this down but i still feel as bad as when i started.

I hate gambling. I hate myself.

If nothing else i hope someone reads this whose situation isn't as extreme as mine and stops before its too late - i have felt both the highs of winning big and the lows of losing everything - please believe me, no win, no matter how big can compensate for how i feel now.

I'm sorry to all those I have hurt, all those who I have lied to and decieved and all those who have helped and stood by me time and time again just to be let down by me - I will never forgt you.
Hi there,
First of all
Guest Wrote:I'm sorry for boring you all with my story,
My freind your story or any story will never bore us, in a better phrase its not about "boring" its about understanding.

Craig is right suicide is a permanent solution to a tempory problem. Today i celibrate 1 year in GA, But lets whizz back 13 months, i was the same as you are now. no money, debt over my head, on the streets, family disowned me, complinsating suicide and tried it. You are 30 years old mate a whole life ahead of you (im 35) You say you went 5 years without gambleing, take strengh in that you know it is possible to do and also take strengh in knowing as u said "these were the best days of my life" A gambleing problen causes the finacial problem, finance can be sorted out DO NOT run away from this that will make it worse, there are many places you can go to consilidate all your debts now, and dont need to loose your house, Please get urself to a GA meeting and listen to the advice on offer, you have nothing to loose but everything to gain from it.If i had not attended GA ...well who knows where id have been now or even writting this to you. I totally understand your prediciment but it can get better, it may seem dark now, but feel free to grab onto my leg other members of GA's legs and pull urself out of the deep hole we dont mind at all.

Though it seems bad now , with a little hard work and effort things can and will get better.

All the things for me 13 months ago have gone, except 1 the debt, but that is being payed off at a managble rate.I didnt think i could be happy again in my life thought i'd lost everything and everyone near me, THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE.

Take care My Freind
Stay in touch here in the forums or come into the chat site.
we are here to help.

my name is jay and im a compulsive gambler, just for today i will not bet <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/icon_e_smile.gif" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->
Thank you for sharing.i to lost every thing because of this addition.
As the guys said.there is always hope if you had asthma.would you take your guess is no.
Well gambleing is a illness.and needs to be treated.thats were GA comes in you will find support from us all
We dont judge and you will never be is inportant but there are many other things that are more
like family.friends and health,trust me when i say this i have had money in the past and it ment nothing to me because i was lacking in other areas in life
Thats why i Gambled.look through some of the posts from people who are on the recovery will find great strenth from there triumps
one more thing i would recommend do not be on your own if your partner leaves.stay with family or friends.
I wish you well and god bless
Firstly do not be ashamed of that post i want to urge a few things into your life and am probably only qualified to urge them things as a compulsive gambler myself.

Suicide is not the option my friend and belive me when I say I have been at that point many times in my life but as other state today can instead be the first day of the rest of your life.

Being a compulsive gambler is a very very hard thing to describe, your feeling to buy the ex GF some gift from a win to thank her for the pain you have inflicted is normal of a CG.

We dream and we have to stop dreaming and live reality. Money when in action is easy come, easy go, we are forever the optimist and the nature of our desease dictates we will never fully realise that the long hard road of daily diligence is not only a more profitable one but a more rewarding one.

I have my moments with gambling, sometimes I feel I am so abnormal that my life must be messy but today I read and today I took stock and today I didnt gamble.

It wasnt that thrilling, I still hate to spend money, such a tight sod and sometimes I neglect to award myself for the fact today I didnt gamble but thats what life is, I woke up and did quite normal things.

I need GA, I will always need Ga as I cannot forever ensure that this desease wont get me where I was before, sleeping on a floor, eating rubbish.

But and this is a big but...I will always confess to myself that I am indeed a compulsive gambler, I can only try my best to be proffessional and in that do my best to find thrill in other ways.

God granted me that serenity to accept what I have is what i have and maybe today I dont have much but If I live day by day I will have so much more.

I suggest to go to GA as your not alone.

Certainly not and with GA you can becomne a different, better person.


Hello, Think I don't know how you feel. I never walked into GA after just losing a month's pay. I walked into GA on my knees after 40 odd years of gambling. I had lost everything, been to prison, lost all of my relationships and felt absolutly hopeless and alone and I didn't know how to stop gambling and thought the only way out was to end my life.
I walked into a GA room in desperation and thought that no one would undestand me or had done the things I had done. You are only 30 years old go, surrender and grasp the program it's the only chance we have left. Suicide is not an option! If you have to seek out a Rehab residential program and put yourself there in the interim.
Today Ga is the only family I have and sadly some of us CG's go further than others with our addiction, but my friend it is never too late.
Please come back and let us know what you are going to do as WE CARE!

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