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Must Change
#1
Hi to anyone reading,

Im Gareth and I am a complusive gambler. Today again I have let down a loved one who has helped me enormously over the last 18 months, as much as I have stressed out over needing to have the converstaion its been replaced with saddness and all the other negative emotions im feeling right now at how hurt she is.

Today im sharing because I have realised that all these thoughts being locked up in my head will eat away at me and maybe telling my story (everything) will help me move on. This will be the most honest I have been for a long time. I have read the forum rules so please if I put something on here I shouldnt I apologise in advance.

My gambling started when I was 15, I have always been fascinated by amusement arcades and i remember being given money to by trousers so that id look good going to my first ever interview for a part time job. I still to this day remembering how it felt when I realised I had spent all most all of it in a fruit machine and then went home an lied about what happened.

The feeling that day kept me away from amusements for a few years but when I started my first YTS job earning a pittance each week I did the same again, spent everything I had in a fruit machine and had to hitch hike home. Looking back I can see ive always had a problem, but even though i knew in my heart that what I had done was wrong I just lied, moved on and buried it in my mind.

Again I stayed away from the machines for a couple of years then was able to go into pubs and things got worse and when I started to play again and although I am ashamed to admit it I feel i should stole money to feed my craving for chasing jackpots. In the end I got caught and because of the person I stole off didnt press charges, again I was able to lie about the gambling and no one ever found out that was the route cause of the problem.

The above episode scared me off gambling for over 10 years and even though I did have one or two lapses after that I didnt cause myself or anyone else trouble. I was doing well in my career got my own flat and car was enjoying life again after the loss of my brother and my dad. I had my troubles with money but at that time gambling was not a part of my life in any way.

This was until approximately August 2011 when I entered an amusement arcade to find out that the jackpots were much higher and the machines still as fascinating. Then it led me to find out about FOBTs and the problem has just increased along with the lies getting bigger and more frequent. Even though I have had to admit the problem to my mum last year I have still not stopped even though I have tried on countless occasions.
I don’t understand myself anymore and this time if I am to move on it has to be through understanding, not fear or through someone else telling me what I should be doing.

My main failing is not dealing with negative emotions correctly which ends up with me consumed with self-pity, selfishness and the want to escape it all. This leads me to gambling then not until I’ve lost it all do I return to the real world at the bottom of the pit trying to lie my way out of it all.

Im clinging on to the thoughts that as much as I’ve done wrong due to gambling that I am not all bad just certainly not as wonderful as I like to think I am.

I want to make the right choices and deal with my illness head on. It just seems all too familiar to make these promises when im rock bottom then do nothing about it.

I have to make sure that the 20th of December truly was the end of it for me and that I do change. I want to be the person that lives there life free from gambling, lies and deceit. Most of all I want to trust myself again as I can’t ask anyone else to do so when I cant.

Sorry for the long post but I had to get it out my head.
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#2
Welcome Gareth

Did you have a look around the rest of the site also?

Happen to find your nearest GA meeting?

Have you read the 'new to ga' link on the main ga page?........... explains about ga and how it can help?

Any questions just ask....

Smartie xx
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#3
Hi Smartie,

Thanks for the reply. I am when I get the chance haivng a look round the site.

Will try to get to a meeting soon but going to speak to the counsellor I saw last time first, i work better in one to one situations.

Felling a bit better today. Im belssed with a wonderful person in my life who has again said they will stand by me. Thankfully im single again so can concentrate on me for a while with no unneeded stress.,

hope your well and enjoying the silly season.
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