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It is important to understand my emotional triggers
#1
Life being unmanageable
Was all about my emotional triggers, my pains I could not or would not heal, I just got in the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my pains not healing them.
Fears I was not able to identify or willing to face and over come.
Frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people. My unreasonable expectations caused me a lot of pain from a very early age.
Loneliness due to two things abandonment issues from my child hood and fears that caused me to isolate myself and I was able to have emotional intimacy with other people.
Boredom due to the fact I was not able to put all my effort in to things outside of my work life, I had in fact become a stunted with regards not taking on new challenges in my life.
Today is very clear to me that worrying about things I could not change caused me far too much stress, worrying was about juggling to many balls in the air and it was inevitable I was going to crash one way or another.
Gambling was risk taking, gambling for me was very much an adrenaline rush for me, the bigger the risk the bigger the buzz, yet I was self destructing myself and my family.
Gambling for me was declining to respect myself was declining to care about myself or other people.
The instant I said to myself oh who cares any way was the moment I was willing to do unhealthy things with myself and my life.
The instant I said to myself oh who cares any way I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself.
How does the spiritual recovery program work, for me it was a healing process, it helps us heal our self and become more spiritually aware of the fact I was the rat in the wheel going faster and faster and was getting nowhere healthy.
Being consumed by my addictions and obsessions my life was out of balance.
Every time I lied the fears grew within me each time, fear got so great that I reached appoint where I went in to panic mode and made some very unhealthy decisions.
I had to admit to myself I could not be trusted with money, that I did not value money I did not value myself or that I did not value other people.
The emotional scars that caused me to become weak and live in my fears were buried and suppressed over many decades of my life.
My emotional age and physical age did not match up.
The gambling establishments were not my problem I was the problem.
Today I do not want to gamble in any way, yes it would be nice to not have to worry about money, yet I needed to get honest with myself and admit that I worried about everything I had no control over what so ever.
Even though we live in fear to protect our self we need to stop living in fear so that we can get far more from our life today.
I use to blame the gambling establishments for how I use to feel, I use to blame everyone else for how I use to feel.
I now understand that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to pains I was not able to heal, that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to fears I would not face, that my anger was an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of life and people.
Am I able to heal my pains today, am I able to identify each fear and face them today, am I able to reduce my unreasonable expectations of other people and life today.
Do I talk from the logical part of my brain today, or do I talk from the heart today.
Reading text on its own is not enough for me today.
The recovery program is only a manual to help me help myself today by my own actions.
How many people justify not getting a sponsor today, how many people are not willing to invest a lot of time and energy in to their recovery, how many people are reluctant and use every excuse to write things down to paper.
I am going to attend GA 50th birthday in the UK September 2014 I first walked in to GA recovery back in 1969 and I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was.
My thought that if I was able to abstain from gambling I would be happy once more, did not happen that way, I thought that if I was able pay back money I owed people I would be happy, did not happen that way.
Content being at peace with myself were just words to me, I could not relate to them, was I a victim in my life, yes for sure I suffered every form of abuse there was.
When I walked in to the recovery program i was for sure emotionally traumatized in so many ways.
You peel back that onion and the inner child starts to cry, you peel back that onion and expose that little child who was never able to grow up and mature, over time you no longer sulk, you become more and more honest.
The abandonment issues had devastating traumatic effects on me, in time I would cry for that inner child who so much that he wanted to be nurtured and mothered, that inner child would come out to play and to be himself today.
As my honesty grew people would feel threatened by my honesty, as I gave deeper therapies some will run and hide and some people would relate to my deepest feelings and feel connected with me.
Therapies would enable me to be an open book with living in fear of my past any more.
Did I know what true love was all about.
I think my actions were conditional in the old days. I owe you you owe me etc.
Now because my actions and words are unconditional I expect nothing in return. I am a very spiritual person at this time.
I have for certain changed as did my values, I use to justify my cruel words and actions.
Are my words and actions nurturing and encouraging today.
Am I fully accountable to myself today.
Do I feel threatened by another person insecurities, if questioned do I in any way feel threatened by questions today.
A childs innocence is very healthy. I was born free of all fears and over time because of unresolved and unhealed pains fears grew that inhibited me from being the person I knew I could be.
Do I fear any one or anything today.
Do I face my fears today.
Do I take inventory of myself each day, can I improve in myself.
How much more can I learn today.
I use to fear being honest before my recovery, now every day my honesty grows as I mature.
Just because you take away source of money from addict will not stop the addict from trying to escape in other ways.
The spiritual recovery program will work for those people are willing to put a great deal of time and effort in to working the recovery program.
There is no doubt in my mind that I was emotionally traumatized long before my addictions and obsessions, the addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was not able to cope emotionally with life and people.
The recovery program starts off by us reading text, then after time rather than talk from our logic and from the brain we start to talk and be aware of our feelings, we get to talk from the heart, once we open up our hearts we begin our trip in to therapies.
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#2
HI Bryan

Yes I still attend meetings usually twice per week more if birthdays are on.

Yes I will be attending GA 50th Birthday it is my way of showing my gratitude towards a new life I earned.

Love Dave
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