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  Is being emotional vulnerable mean you are weak
Posted by: gadaveuk - 28-08-2019, 03:37 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (5)

Hi

On walking in to the recovery program I did not know or feel that I was emotionally vulnerable.

I did not understand that I was burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.

I honestly thought that if I stopped gambling got back my money I would be happy and have emotional resolve.

That  for me was not true.

The gambling and my obsessions only indicated that I was escaping people life and situations.

From my perspective did I thin and feel that my addictions controlled me. Yes for sure.

Because of may forms of trauma in my life caused fears to grow in me that I did not understand.

With each lie came fear, the person I feared facing the most was myself.

On walking in to the recovery program I was not weak, I was a survivor yet did nto understand how vulnerable I was.

I had for sure been a victim of many cruel things in my life.

Even knowing what it felt like to be a victim I could not let go of my past.

In being an addict I would adversely affect other people.

I thought that by paying money back would repair damaged relationships.

I thought that by saying sorry would some how repair damaged relationships.

Money and gifts were used as an expression of love in my life and in my child hood.

What I wanted and needed as a child was to feel nurtured loved protected affection and emotional intimacy.

That was not going to happen and it had nothing to do about me.

If I wanted to feel love I needed to love myself first of all.

Only when I respected myself could I respect other people.

Only when I  was patient and tolerant with myself could I patient and tolerant with other people.

My impatient and intolerant behavior meant I was hard on myself.

I was for sure emotionally vulnerable and it would take healing of my inner child for me to live a life of inner peace and contentment.

For this to happen I needed to recognize and heal my hurt inner child.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  My Story
Posted by: bentheowl - 28-08-2019, 12:07 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

I'm 35 years old and through my 20's I would gamble on a very regular basis. I've struggled with
depression throughout my adult life but didn't start to acknowledged that till I was close to a breakdown at 27.

At 29 I slipped a disc in the.middle of.my back which compressed my spinal cord and paralysed me from the waist
down. The road to recovery was a long one but during the down time with time on my hands I would fill it gambling.

When I had good wins I would often find a way to lose it all before I stopped, I still don't get this?

At 33 my life changed for the better. I fell head over heals in love with such a wonderful person. Things moved quickly
and before we knew it, I had moved into her home to live with her and her amazing son. I loved and still do love them very much. Just before my 34th birthday we got engaged. I was worried we couldn't afford to get married but we set everything in motion and started saving.

The savings went into my bank account to help cover an overdraft. After a while, I started spending more money than I
had coming in. I started to borrow from the wedding fund and before I knew it, I would do so on a regular basis.

In a panic I started gambling again. I had not placed one single bet in all the time we had been together at this point, which was probably 15 months or slightly longer. Everything started to get out of hand from this point onwards.

Soon, we didn't have a wedding fund.

I continued to gamble in secret, thinking I had it all under control, I was wrong.

I kept on spending money betting, money I had.no right spending at all.

My depression due to guilt and stress was taking it's toll and.my moods were terrible. I would often be difficult to live with and lash out, often saying things I didn't mean. On 3rd August this year my partner ended our relationship She could.no.longer tolerate me during the bad times.

On .Monday of this week I was forced to confess all. My ex now hates me and never wants to hear from.me again. I.love her so much and her son who I've always treated like.my own but I understand, who can blame her?

I'm.now back living with my parents and in debt, without a job (I lived in a different county with.my ex and we had recently started a business together). My parents have loaned me some money to cover some debt, although I still need to pay them back. The sheer look of stress, anger, confusion and disappointment I see when they look at.me kills me a little bit inside every time it happens.

I really hate myself right now. The guilt I feel for the stress, upset and pain I've caused so many loved ones is overwhelming.

I know I can't change the past only learn from it. I need to sort my debt out, try and see if I can claim any benefits, start applying for jobs, while trying to sort my mental health.

Mum is going from being ok with me one minute to lashing out the next, I just take it. I can't blame her.

The only thing I disagree with is, my Mum said I could never have loved my ex and her child or I never would have done what I have. She also claims I could have stopped gambling at any time but simply chose not to through greed, I strongly disagree. I think she simply fails to understand the grip and hold addiction can have on a person.

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  GA class's
Posted by: FindYourTrigger - 24-08-2019, 05:02 AM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (3)

This is just a personal opinion. 

After being to 4 GA class's which failed. 
I had to self evaluate why it failed ... 
I personally had to find my triggers which were, night time online betting.
I addressed that by gamstop which stopped me being able to place a bet online completely . 
I would just like to address GA as a whole in this post as I feel all we do is speak about gambling when in reality we are trying to take it out our life. 
What chance do you have to forget a out it when once, twice or three times a week you speak about it.
Its just a thought and I'd like feedback on my opinion.

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  New to GA
Posted by: Amy - 22-08-2019, 06:40 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (19)

I’m married (12 yrs) with two children. I’ve recently found out my husband has gambled away ALOT of money which I had no idea about. Over the past four months I have received a lot of mail daily in his name and also my name. All the letters are from loan companies demanding payment or from each of our car finance companies saying your dd has been cancelled. I / we are now in debt and i don’t know how how to get out of it?  My husband has consolidated most of his? with  a debt company but I’ve been left to deal with mine alone. 
My husband has taken out a lot to debt in my name. He works in financial  services which means I can’t report as fraud or he would loose his job. I have been told there’s a way I can clear the debts without reporting fraud? Can anyone help? Is it normal for my husband to show no remorse and be angry which he’s been with me. 
 I’m not coping well not sleeping and trying to keep on a level and look after the children and now all the finances.

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  Just for today I will not Gamble a boundary that I am going to hurt myself today!
Posted by: gadaveuk - 11-08-2019, 05:06 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Just for today I will not Gamble a boundary that I am going to hurt myself today!

Yet why did I gamble, was it a form of escape, was it fear based, that I was unable to cope emotionally.

Once I attended meetings I would learn that my addictions and obsessions were a form of escape, escaping people life and situations I could not cope with.

Today I understand that my addictions and my obsessions were just the symptoms, that only once I abstained from my addictions and my obsessions could my healing start.

Every form of abuse, caused fears in me that I did not understand.

A questioned asked is it possible to heal our pains with out knowing every painful event, yes I think it is possible.

The consequences of all forms of abuse, is fears, my instant reaction indicates to me that I am not fully healed.

The power of recovery comes when Just for today I will not changes to just for today I WILL, to over come our fears, to over come our procrastination, to over come our lack of confidence and self esteem, I WILL do or say any thing to become healthy and whole in myself.

Just abstaining on its own was not healing that hurt inner child in me, in time with 11 counselors and healthy therapies more and more came out of me.

No one or thing was going to stop me gambling, no one or thing was going to make me become more motivated in myself.

The ideal situation is to be completely emotionally detached from all form of addictions and obsessions.

In order to love other people I needed to learn to love myself.

In order to have intimate relationships with other people I needed to have intimate relationship with myself.

In order to respect other people I needed to learn to respect myself. 

Each day take inventory of myself, were my actions and words healthy towards myself, each day inventory of myself, were my actions and words healthy towards all other people.

The recovery program is about healing, if I am not willing to or able to admit to myself I am in pain how then can I get that pain healed.

The recovery program is about facing my fears, if I am not willing to or able to admit to myself I live in fears how then can I get those fears faced.

The recovery program is about healing our pains.

The recovery program is about reducing our fears.

The recovery program is about us being honest to our self, only then can I be honest with other people.

The recovery program is about us learning patience and tolerance with our self, only then can we have patience and tolerance with other people.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Living in the pains of our past, it is healthy in any way
Posted by: gadaveuk - 06-08-2019, 03:27 PM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Before my recovery I use to bury and suppress my feelings and my emotions.

The addictions and obsessions were a form of escape.

Every pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand.

The questions asked were is it possible to heal from the past. Yes it is.

Is it possible to face our fears with out understanding why we have that fear, Yes it is.

Our resentments indicate that we are still holding on to the pains of our past.

Is it possible to trust some one who has betrayed us so many times, if betrayed we need to speak up for our self from a place of peace, healthy boundaries are set up when we are at peace with our self.

Can we change another person, no not at all.

Yet how many times have our unreasonable expectations of other people caused up pain.

It was only by reducing our unreasonable expectations that we stop causing our self pain.

My anger and rage can indicate that our inner child is not healed.

By having my resentments I am not healing my pains, at what point will I say to myself being resentful I am still hurting myself, it is time to move on from the past.

Because of the serenity prayer I understand that I am unable to change other people healthy or other wise, I am able to change my unhealthy reactions to unhealthy reactions to unhealthy people.

All the time I am the victim I am not able to interact with other people in healthy ways.

How do I know if I am still a victim, I am wanting pity and sympathy from other people, I am feeling vulnerable with people, I feel afraid of emotional intimacy, my fears cause me to mistrust having close relationships with other people.

I had so many people take advantage of me when I was younger, why was it that I was always the person who was taken advantage of, the I understood that perpetrators where victim that never got to heal from their pains.

I then understood the reason I was picked on was because I was emotionally vulnerable, the recovery program helped me heal the hurt inner child, yet at what point would I be able to speak up for myself.

Only when the victim was able to speak up for them self from a place of peace.

Being a victim was very unhealthy, being a perpetrator was also very unhealthy, being a rescuer was also unhealthy, so at what point would I give up those unhealthy habits.

For me control issues were fear based, so at what point would I stop trying to control people life and situations.

Can a non religious person find inner peace, can a non religious person find a healthy recovery.

How do I know if I have forgiven myself, because I am able to laugh at myself.

Some one told me that by saying that I love some who hurt me that will heal my pains.

I went to my fathers resting place in Calgary, I said Ernie I love you, instant sub conscious reaction was feeling some one was pushing a very sharp knife in my throat.

I could not believe the pain I was feeling, I said Ernie I love you again and there was still pain, I repeatedly said Ernie I love you until there was no more pain caused in me.

Am I at peace with Ernie today, did I understand what I wanted from Ernie he could not give me, Ernie was a victim like myself, in seeing Ernie before he died I saw my future, I knew Ernie was not healthy, and in time I felt he was a part of me.

I am more at peace with myself today, I am more at peace with most people in my life today.

How much do I value myself today, how much more of my pain can I heal today.

I understand that close intimacy is essential in me being healthy today, in time that hurt inner child came out and played.

No one limits me in any way today, that choice is mine today.

What ever my expectations of other people I wanted fulfilled are up to me today.

Only when I am able to respect myself can I respect other people.

Only when I am able to love myself can I love other people.

Only when I am able to be patient with myself can I be patient with other people.

Only when I am able to be caring with myself can I be caring with other people.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  Painful Emotional Trauma in my life adversely affected my learning and listening
Posted by: gadaveuk - 29-07-2019, 12:38 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (2)

Hi

Painful Emotional Trauma in my life adversely affected my ability to learning and to my listening.

Often I would feel that people were trying to control me and regulate my life.

I am a non religious person yet in time I would embrace spiritual values.

The twenty questions were very clear and simple yet why could I not be honest with myself.

The simple truth was that if I was not willing to admit to myself that I was emotionally vulnerable and unhealthy then I was not going to get healthy.

The recovery program was going to help me help myself move away from unhealthy habits.

The recovery program was going to help me help myself move away from very risk taking habits.

The recovery program was going to help me abstain and replace my unhealthy habits with healthy habits.

There was a time when I was angry and over sensitive most of the time.

Today now I find it hard to remember when i was last angry.

People who think that some one or some thing will stop them going to their addictions and obsessions si their choice.

I have been in my recovery over fifty years now, sadly I am only twenty six years clan from my last bet.

The question I am often asked f you have not gambled in such a time why go to meetings today.

The recovery program helps us abstain sadly that is when our healing starts.

It was not possible to heal while I was still hurting myself and other people.

The recovery program helps us take very slow baby steps, progress every day is what is important.

Recovery and healing is not a race, I use to rush in my talking, I use to panic and have anxiety when talking.

My mouth was trying to go faster than my mouth yet it seemed a way I could not change from.

The word dysfunctional was often used yet what did it mean to me.

I use to say I wanted to be normal, yet sadly that some times is not very healthy.

Dysfunctional could mean inept or ignorant not understanding.

Dysfunctional would mean to me I could not articulate my feelings and my emotions, I could not over come my fears of emotional intimacy.

Dysfunctional would mean to me not able to be self sufficient, not able to be accountable to myself and use to blame other people.

Dysfunctional would mean to me I would justify being unhealthy, I would justify my unhealthy words and my unhealthy actions that would adversely affect other people.

Dysfunctional would mean to me I would go against my own conscience and that would adversely affect other people.

Only when I got honest with myself could I get honest with other people.

My first twenty four years in my recovery were a slow learning curve, I would start to understand my emotional triggers, that my addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

On arrival my questions were very much about my insecurity and my inadequacy, my questions today are about understanding at a much deeper level.

The recovery program helped me heal, it helped me mature and grow, it helped me reach greater goals, it helped me to ask questions with out fear.


The recovery program helped me humble myself to be an all equal to every one, it helped me to be myself, it helped me to be content and happy with who I am today, it helped me to be content and happy with who I am with today, it helped me to be content and happy with what I have today, it helped me to be understand my needs, my wants, and my goals today.

The choices I have today far exceed those things I use to dream of.

Money was never going to make heal my hurt inner child, money was never going to heal my hurt inner child, money was never going to repair relationships I had torn a part, money was never going to make peoples fear of me reduce.

So in setting a boundary that my addictions and obsessions are not for today I will learn to be healthy one day at a time.

My choice is to be healthy ad more productive with my day.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

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  18 Years of Hell & 180 Days of Freedom!
Posted by: smiller87 - 28-07-2019, 02:33 PM - Forum: Share Section - Replies (1)

Hi everyone, my name is Steve and I am a compulsive gambler. I’m 32 and had been gambling for around 18 years, starting off on the fruit machines at as young as 14 with my pocket money and whatever change that was lying around the house. At the time I didn’t really think anything of it, just thought of it as a bit of harmless fun. 

My addiction soon got a whole lot worse as I turned 18 and I was allowed in the bookies! Although I placed bets on the weekends football this wasn’t the real problem. The FOBTs were my weakness, I would be on them almost every evening and weekend putting in one xx pound after another. I ended up going bankrupt at the age of 21 with debts of around £xx. My credit rating was destroyed, which was a good thing because it limited the damage I could do going forward, at least for the next 6 years, which is how long it took to come off my credit record. This of course didn’t stop me from gambling my wages away every week.

I very quickly got myself back into debt with loans, credit cards etc and at 29 I had to go through the process of an IVA! The last three years of my life haven’t been gamble free as I’ve had my wages to squander away, however the last 6 months have been. 

On Tuesday the 29th January 2019 I went to my first ever GA meeting, something I should have done a long time ago! I went to three other GA meetings the following week and it was by far the best thing I have ever done! 

After speaking with the other attendees, before, during and after the meetings I made the decision to NEVER gamble again, no matter the situation. I made a solum vow that I would quit once and for all, and to make sure of it I made sure I did each of the below:

I went on the GAMSTOP website and excluded myself from all UK online gambling sites (as this had become a serious issue for me in recent years).

I went to all the bookies in my area and filled out self exclusion forms. Most bookies are actually able to exclude you from multiple shops in the region, so this can save a fair bit of time.

I purchased a pre-paid ASDA card and loaded it with enough money for food and drink every month on payday. You can’t withdraw money off of these, only make purchases, which made it a great option.

I made sure I read the ‘Towards the first 90 Days’ handbook at least once a day. As far as I am aware, most GA meetings give these out to all new comers at their first meeting.

I converted 50% of my surplus income into gold (bookies don’t yet accept this as payment so I considered it a way to keep my money safe should I find myself in an area where there’s bookies/casinos that I am not excluded from. (many would argue it’s a good investment anyway)

I went to 2 GA meetings a week, and still do! This is without a doubt the most important one, I honestly can’t express the importance of attending a GA meeting!

I found a hobby and dedicated the majority of my free time to it. It’s very important that in the early stages of recovery you have something else to focus on! 

Now I know I’m only 180 days in and I am only ever one bet away from disaster, however the above has really worked for me and I can honestly say that my life is a hundred times better now that I’m not gambling! 

All the best

Steve

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

Just today I will not gamble!

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  Today do I understand that my addiction is not fun, it is risk taking and painful
Posted by: gadaveuk - 23-07-2019, 08:12 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

Before my recovery I use to think that I loved gambling and that life was boring.

When I read step one my life was unmanageable I thought it was because of my gambling and the lack of money.

I am a non religious person and by me being the recovery program would help me understand that my addiction my obsessions were a form of escape, it was also a form of self abuse, to work for hours weeks months years decades and give all my money to compete strangers while I and my family went with out our needs wants and our hope.

The money was just the fuel for my addiction.

That money on its own was never going to give me emotional resolve.

I questioned if a non religious person could become healthy, I was told that the recovery program would help me help myself become healthy and healed.

It required me to dedicate time and energy in to my recovery.

Often people will swap one addiction for another addiction or for an obsession.

By just abstaining on its own only did not work for me.

The recovery program would not me gambling.

The recovery program would not work if I did not do the work in the recovery program.

The recovery program is only a manual if all I do is read text and not do the work in my recovery I was only going to cheat myself.

The gambling establishments did not make me do any thing I did not want to do.

The gambling establishments did not lie to my family and cause them pain, I did.

The ideal situation is to be completely emotionally detached from all forms of gambling.

To not hate them, to not fear them, to see that the gambling establishments is just another business for making money.

For some people the gambling establishments is just a little bit of entertainment, win or lose they just walk away.

Had I not had an addiction I doubt I would have a wasted life being unhealthy and not knowing it.

The recovery program made me aware of how unhealthy I was, the recovery program was not going to fix me.

The recovery program helped me understand that I was a very unhealthy vulnerable person who use to escape from people life and situations I could not cope with.

That my anger as due to my pains not healed.

That my anger as due to my fears not  faced.

That my anger as due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, and when things did not go my way and because of my unreasonable expectations I caused pains over and over again.

In my child hood I suffered many pains, and for each pain caused on to me fears grew in me that I did not understand.

When I walked in to the recovery program I was emotionally traumatized.

I could not articulate my feelings and my emotions, I buried and suppressed my feelings and my emotions, yet I was emotionally traumatized long before my addictions and obsessions.

My addictions and obsessions were just an indicator of how emotionally vulnerable I was.

The recovery program helped me become healthy and mature in myself.

I use to angry all of the time, not is hard to remember when I was last angry.

How much do I value myself today.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave of Beckenham

AKA Dave L

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  Why did I think and feel that gambling controlled my life and my thinking
Posted by: gadaveuk - 23-07-2019, 04:56 AM - Forum: Share Section - No Replies

Hi

I arrived in the spiritual recovery program not knowing that my unhealthy emotional reactions to life people and situations caused me to live in fear of people life and situations I could not cope emotionally with.

I am a non religious person and today understand that my conscience is based up on spiritual values even though I am non religious when I go against my own conscience I not only hurt other people I hurt myself.

In my recovery I would understand that because I was emotionally vulnerable and use to bury and suppress my feelings and emotions each time I went back to my addictions and obsessions I was reacting in fears most of the time.

My fears of being honest, my fears of being accountable, my fears of being rejection and abandoned, seemed very real to me.

By being in the spiritual recovery program I would learn that I was not a bad person or an evil person simply because I was an emotionally vulnerable person when I felt that I could not cope I would escape in my fears and lack of confidence to my addictions and obsessions.

Each time  aid to myself oh who cares any way at that instant I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself,  I was willing to do or say some thing unhealthy.

The anger in me and the rage in me were indicators that my hurt inner child was not healed, in time I would understand and feel the pains I had suppressed and buried for along time.

I knew that my swearing and aggression and confrontation was very unhealthy, that when I reacted in unhealthy ways I hurt other people and I hurt myself. I caused people to fear and mistrust me.

In recovery I would understand that by saying sorry was not enough, by saying I promise was not enough, if I kept hurting people, if I kept betraying people they feel threatened by me.

At what point would I live for today only, at what point would I set a healthy boundary, just for today only I will not do or say any thing that adversely affects me and other people.

My control issues were all fear based, my lack of accountability to myself were all fear based, my inability to mature and grow up and heal my inner child were all fear based, in time I would learn to value myself.

The recovery program works like mountain climbers tied together with ropes who find safe and secure ways of learning and finding new skills in living a healthier life today.

The recovery program helped me understand that I could not do it on my own, to become healthy I needed to listen learn and relate from to and from other like minded goal seeking people, to see and feel myself in other people and their experiences both healthy and unhealthy.

The recovery program would help me to help myself only once I started to value myself, just for today I will not gamble, just for today I will not carry excessive amount of money on myself, just for today I will not mix with people who are not in the recovery program.

Today I will mix and interact with like minded spiritual growing people.

Today I will put more time and effort in to my recovery, more time and effort than I put in my addictions and my obsessions.

Today I would learn how to celebrate my accomplishments in healthy ways,  I would learn how to articulate my feelings and my emotions in a non threatening way.

Because of the anger conflict control and intimidation in my child hood I internalized how other people felt, almost like I was responsible for how they were feeling, just because I gave up gambling did not stop me internalizing other people emotional baggage.

I did karate for two only to understand that I enjoyed the physical fighting, what I had big issues with were aggression and confrontation, yet often I was the instigator of aggression and confrontation, did I learn bully habits from my parents.


The recovery program was going to help me help myself become more healthier and more productive.



The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling that had to be my own daily choice.



The recovery program was going to help me exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.



By going to meetings I would learn from other people.


By going to meetings I would relate to other peoples therapies.

Love and peace to every one

Dave of Beckenham

AKA Dave L

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